The "Talk" Looming Soon, Need Advice

[8daapple]

Hey Everyone,

So I have been hooking up with this girl I like since late July / beginning of August. Well tonight, after I hung out with her she mentioned we should get together to talk about things on Monday. She mentioned to me that she can't give me what I may potentially want from her and it wouldn't be fair to me. Never, have I insinuated that I wanted a relationship or any labels etc. We have been hooking up every weekend and I've been doing some nice gentleman gestures like making sure she gets home safe etc. So I'm not really sure how to approach this. I just got out of a LTR and I'm not looking for anything right now. We have great chemistry. I'd like to see where things go. I'd never force anything and if things fall into place, then they do. Anyone have any advice/experience how I can approach this talk?

 

[Igetit!]

Hey Everyone,

So I have been hooking up with this girl I like since late July / beginning of August. Well tonight, after I hung out with her she mentioned we should get together to talk about things on Monday. She mentioned to me that she can't give me what I may potentially want from her and it wouldn't be fair to me.

Ohh sh!t.....


She gave you the "it wouldn't be fair to you" speech? Ohhh sh!t.....


I hope you have some other plates spinning,cause it looks like it might be time to call one up.

Never, have I insinuated that I wanted a relationship or any labels etc. We have been hooking up every weekend and I've been doing some nice gentleman gestures like making sure she gets home safe etc.

Maybe you've never said you wanted a relationship,but it looks like she's interpetted your actions as wanting one.


Apparently she thinks you want more than you actually do. Even if you try to explain to her that that's not the case,she may still try to end things.


Another thing is...she may ALREADY BE SEEING someone else and this "talk" is just to re-innerate that the two of you ARE NOT in a relationship and are still free to see other people. In ANY CASE,when a "talk" is scheduled,it's NOT a good thing.



Frankly...I suggest you play it off. Although I do think she may try to end things,if she starts talking to you about things not being "Fair" to you and how she can't give you what you may "potentially want",I'd be like,"Uhhh....well what it is you think I "potentially" want? Cause I just got out of a serious relationship a few months ago,and wasn't looking to jump into anything serious for a while. I was just enjoying things as they were."


Then go,"You weren't looking for a relationship or anything serious,were you?".


Go on the OFFENSIVE.....throw it back on her.


Now.....even after ALL THAT...she still may try to end things cause I'm telling you...the "Not fair to you" talk is bout as bad as the "Let's just be friends" speech,but I'd try something like that out and see where it goes.

 

[8daapple]

Thanks for replying back. That was something i did not want to read because frankly this girl i really like. I'll definitely try what you've suggested and I'm confused too because at the end of the night I got an extended make out session even after the talk. I'll try to flip the scripts and hopefully keep on doing what we are doing.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

...she mentioned we should get together to talk about things on Monday. She mentioned to me that she can't give me what I may potentially want from her and it wouldn't be fair to me. Never, have I insinuated that I wanted a relationship or any labels etc. I'd never force anything and if things fall into place, then they do. Anyone have any advice/experience how I can approach this talk?

I've had experience in this, and know exactly how to handle it!

First off, the convo is a trap because the more you try to explain your position, the deeper the hole you get in and the more likely she is to leave you. The way she stated it - "I can't give you what you MAY potentially want" - means that whatever she thinks you may want, she's going to assume you'll argue the opposite.

For example: You ask her "what do you think I potentially want?"

HER: I think you want a serious relationship
YOU: No I don't - I just got out of a serious relationship and I'm just looking to chill.
HER: But you're always doing stuff for me that's gentlemanly - you definitely want a relationship, and I'm not ready for that.

OR:

HER: I think you just want me for a booty call
YOU: No I don't - I really care about you, why else would I spend all this time with you?
HER: Because I'm your hook-up girl, and that's all I feel like I'm being used for and I'm not ready for that.

SEE HOW YOU LOSE EITHER WAY?!?

The only way to win this one - and TRUST me, it works - is to come out of left field with your OWN version of rejection first.

For example: She says "I may not be able to give you what you potentially want..."

YOU: Well, if that's how you feel, then maybe we shouldn't see each other.
HER: (in shocked mode) Um... what?
YOU: Well, I mean... I don't know what you think it is that i'm 'wanting' right now, but if you're not liking the way we're spending time with each other, that's cool, we can just see other people. No big deal."
HER: But... I mean, I'm not saying we shouldn't hang out...
YOU: Really? Well, like you said, it wouldn't be fair to either of us if the other one was suddenly feeling wishy-washy about the whole thing. I was just hanging with you 'cause i liked your company; if you're not feelin it now, no big deal. I'll be good either way (indicating you'll get another chick if she don't like what you got goin' on now).

At this point she'll want to continue the conversation. That's when you make up some excuse about having to be somewhere. Then you leave... and you DON'T contact her.

Now, this may seem counter-productive; however it's showing her that you're not as clingy to her as she thought you were. Over the next couple of days she'll start missing that feeling you gave her (IF she was really into you) and hit YOU up to see what's up.

Why does this work? It hits at her ego. Right now she's thinking she's so desirable and the shiznit, and that you have a higher interest level. Girls sometimes start feeling themselves too hard when they get to this point, so knocking them down a peg or two by having them realize that you CAN, in fact, LEAVE if necessary, will usually do the trick.

Best of luck to ya!

 

[8daapple]

Thanks for that golden nugget of wisdom Harry. So did this approach work for you in the girl maintaining interest?

Just to give you more insight, this girl is currently "lost" in life. She is in the process of completely overhauling her career and has been single for over 2 years. From what she has told me, she also had a fwb for an extended period of time who treated her like crap. I want to give her a chance to explain her perspective before I come from left field. I know she is a nice person deep down and don't want to damage relations within the friends group.

 

[Trump]

Hey Everyone,

So I have been hooking up with this girl I like since late July / beginning of August. Well tonight, after I hung out with her she mentioned we should get together to talk about things on Monday. She mentioned to me that she can't give me what I may potentially want from her and it wouldn't be fair to me.
Never, have I insinuated that I wanted a relationship or any labels etc. We have been hooking up every weekend and I've been doing some nice gentleman gestures like making sure she gets home safe etc. So I'm not really sure how to approach this. I just got out of a LTR and I'm not looking for anything right now. We have great chemistry. I'd like to see where things go. I'd never force anything and if things fall into place, then they do. Anyone have any advice/experience how I can approach this talk?

First of all, I would say "You can talk now. Why do you want to wait until Monday?"

When she says "she can't give you what and want" she is putting the blame on you, as if you are asking too much from her and she is only human. That way if it ever comes back to her, she is innocent and off the hook.

There is nothing to approach, just listen to her and say "OK" and "that's too bad." or "If you recommend anyone that can take your place, let me know."
If she wants to leave, let her leave. The girl always should know that she is welcome to leave anytime, you are doing her a favor by being with her, not the other around.

 

[Renegade357]

You lost control dude. Next.

 

[8daapple]

You lost control dude. Next.

Care to elaborate on how I lost control?

 

[Renegade357]

Care to elaborate on how I lost control?

You clearly like her which is cool. But it sounds like you got into a rut/routine with her. You got comfortable hanging out with her every weekend when you weren't boyfriend/girlfriend. In other words you killed challenge. You should have mixed things up a bit if you liked her. Done different things, been a little bit more unpredictable. On the other hand if you don't like her then who cares? Either way you should probably back off a bit and let her come to you.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I think it's a shyt test. She's trying to flush you out and get you all flustered so you spew out your feelings for her instead of her having to tell you she likes you more than just as a FB.
Pretty good move on her part. Reverse psychology.
Renegade and Harry are spot on I think.
Flip the script and get her hamster sprinting on that damn wheel.

 

[8daapple]

She just tried to call me to talk. I simply ignored her phone call because i was in the middle of guitar lesson. I'm just gonna do N.C. for now, back off slowly and see what happens. I was starting to become a full fledged AFC eating KFC.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Thanks for that golden nugget of wisdom Harry. So did this approach work for you in the girl maintaining interest?

In short, yes. I was dating a girl, and had made some comment to her that she didn't like (nothing rude, but... she was very sensitive to words in general). She went into this whole routine about how she "didn't know how she felt" and "needed to re-asses the situation" with us. I said I understood.

Then, a few days later she did something rude to me, and I flipped it back around on her - I wrote her an email basically saying that now I needed to re-assess MY feelings about the situation, and that I'd hit her up when I was ready to talk. Then I went NC on her for 5 days. The result? Lots of texts, calls, and emails saying she missed me and that we should talk. I finally let her know I was ready to talk; we met up, she apologized, and moved on from there. She came over the next day and I banged the shiznit out of her

Here's the thing: if a girl starts feeling like a guy is TOO into her, they back off. You have to treat women like you'd treat a cat or a child. Personally, I don't like either one, but they always want to come near me.

With cats, I go out of my way to avoid them (allergic to cat dander), and what do they do? They walk up to me, sit on my lap, rub their heads against my chest hoping I'll pet them, walk by me while rubbing against my leg. And kids? I don't even want kids! Yet, every time I'm around them, they want me to interact with them. Why? 'Cause I'm NOT ALL OVER THEM, WHICH MAKES THEM WANT ME MORE.

Same with this chick. Don't be revealing feelings to her, don't be obsessively calling/texting her - LESS is MORE.

 

[Igetit!]

She just tried to call me to talk. I simply ignored her phone call because i was in the middle of guitar lesson. I'm just gonna do N.C. for now, back off slowly and see what happens. I was starting to become a full fledged AFC eating KFC.

So she tried to call you,you ignored it,and now your plan is to do "NO CONTACT".

I swear....seems like everybody here thinks "no contact" is some magic cure-all,lol.


Look....what you're doing isn't "no contact" is called RUNNING AWAY.


What are you scared of? You've already gotten several good suggestions on how to deal with this "talk" coming up.


This kinda reminds me of that episode of "seinfeld" where George kept avoiding the girl he'd been seeing cause he thought she wanted to break up with him. His theory was,"Well....if I don't talk to her,then she can't break up with me".


I know you like the girl,but damn...be a MAN. If she wants to end things,she's gonna end them.....NO AMOUNT of you running is gonna change that. Harry gave you some good advice. If you don't want to do a pre-emptive breakup,then try what I suggested.



The only thing WE ALL agree on is you need to go on the OFFENSIVE. Go see her,sit down,let her start off,then TAKE OVER the convo. You still have to listen to her,but YOU CONTROL the dynamics of the talk.



If it doesn't work,it doesn't work,but this ducking and dodging,and running....cut that out. You're just going to talk to a girl,not running from the cops.

 

[Renegade357]

She just tried to call me to talk. I simply ignored her phone call because i was in the middle of guitar lesson. I'm just gonna do N.C. for now, back off slowly and see what happens. I was starting to become a full fledged AFC eating KFC.

Don't do N.C. unless you want to get rid of her man.

 

[Cremasta]

You're not caught up in this girl, so the situation is only as difficult as you want it to be.

When she gets into the whole 'potentially' conversation, I'd probably come back with something like "Look, this is not complicated, right now I just want someone nice to hang out with on the weekend, if you want something more or less than that, you just let me know."

Your answer to anything she tells you after that is "fine", because it really shouldn't matter to you.

 

[bigneil]

Translation: I'm planning on dumping you but I'm busy having sex with other men this weekend, so can we do it Monday?

Tell her you can't do it Monday and you'll get back to her - then go NC for 60 days no matter if she tells you her mom died.

 

[8daapple]

Update:
Met up for coffee this evening. And we had a lengthy conversation. Wants to take things slow and for now keep doing what we are doing. Just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. So it wasn't that bad overall. Phew.

 

[bigneil]

This is a rare warning but also a sign of interest level hitting the 55% mark and declining to the point of no return. You must go into a new mode where you only reply to her messages (LC) and pursue other women (and let her find out).

 

[8daapple]

This is a rare warning but also a sign of interest level hitting the 55% mark and declining to the point of no return. You must go into a new mode where you only reply to her messages (LC) and pursue other women (and let her find out).

That sounds like a plan to me. Yeah, sucks though. I don't know what to think of it. I'm just gonna improve myself and not think too much about it. But we are all human.

 

[8daapple]

It sucks though. I could barely sleep last night, my mind was racing with many thoughts. This is a girl who I've known for a year or so whom I've liked. She is everything I would want in a girlfriend and we share a great connection. I hate having oneitis and I hope I can find someone who is equally as attractive.