The same old story - always looking

[NewMan]

Same old story.

A year past dating the same woman.

Great woman.

Total giver.

Not materialistic.

Good looking.

Physically the s#x is awesome.

low maintenance.

At the same time doesn't put up with any sh#t.

Never one time have we argues or fallen out.... and she also is very wise - in respect to her "Guy friends" - which she doesn't have many - but she is totally forthright with the fact that they want to do her - but never will.....

Anyway...

The problem - Me?

She has a kid - and I've yet to meet him - and to be honest that is holding me back from movign this on.

But I wonder if I'm just using it as an excuse - a reason not to move on....

Perhaps I have a problem...

This is not the first time I've stringed relationships on.... only to have them end.

I'm currently on a break with her - after she gushed out her heart to me - and told me how she wants more.

I just don't want to hurt her.

Which it seems I continue to do time and again with women.

 

[DoubleA]

Ok...

Women with kids. Some guys can date them and some can't. I could date a woman with a child but it's not easy. If you like having her around a lot then it won't be like that because she's got to take care of her child. They come first.

This dude I used to work with said dating a woman with a child was like playing football - Starting first and 20 and the defender's goaline. I mean you're in the whole off the back. The defense definitly has the upper hand because one mistake it's being taken too the house. Plus, I never like the baby father drama. I mtelf am totally selfish when I say I wanted to meet a woman who I could start a fam with. But in this day and age the number of women without kids after a certain age is low I think. Atleast in my area..

 

[Royal Elite]

I think the best thing you can do is to sit down somewhere quit, and decide where you stand on women with kids, and also on this woman. You are already in the relationship so you might just want to figure out your basic opinion now on women with kids just so you can know where you are in life right now. Most importantly you need to figure out where this woman stands with you. You need to then decide if you have feelings for her, are they more important then your discomfort about her kids, or is your discomfort greater then your feelings for her. Often times we really dont need advice on what to do, we often need clarity on where we stand on the issue, because after you know that making a decision is ez.

 

[Albion4]

I am going to tell you one thing here.

The older you get the greater the chance of any woman you meet having children AND the greater the ammount of children. Dude I would give my left nut to meat a _great_ chick with only ONE kid at my age.

-Al

 

[JohnJones]

Have you tried to meet him but she said no, or are you avoiding it?

I'm trying to understand the dynamic. I have two kids from a previous marriage and my g/f of a year or so (who is younger, never married) has not met them -- to me, it's such an enormous step and I've been putting it off forever.

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by Albion4
I am going to tell you one thing here.

The older you get the greater the chance of any woman you meet having children AND the greater the ammount of children. Dude I would give my left nut to meat a _great_ chick with only ONE kid at my age.

-Al

and thats the truth, most of us have four!

 

[Kaine]

She has a kid - and I've yet to meet him - and to be honest that is holding me back from movign this on.

What is the problem, that she has a kid, or that she isn't introducing him to you. Do you see this as her problem or yours?

You also are not sure whether it is some other underlying issue and not whatever it is you have identified above that is the problem that is preventing you from "moving on"

What does "moving on" actually mean?

Marriage?

You need to think deep about these questions, because if the she isn't the problem (she sexy, given etc) then you are perhaps sabotaging your own happiness.


Kaine

 

[NewMan]

I have not meet him.... And recently my girl has wanted me to meet her son, since we've been dating for a yr.

I told her from the very start that I really didn't want to meet him... but that if this was going to turn into a long term thing then I would consider it.

Yes, she has many, many great qualities.

A giver, not a taker.

We get on very well - and that is why this is such tough situation. (plus she is hot to).

I did go away this weekend - went backpacking/hiking with the guys.

What I came back and decided is that I'm definitely not in a position to move forward with this - and meet her son.

A few reasons.

1) the last thing I want to do is meet her son, possibly bond with him to some extent then possibly leave her and him. It's not fair on her son.

2) As above - but it is not fair on her. She has said many times she loves me and wants to be with me.

3) I have to be honest with myself. I believe that when it's the right time/person there would be nothing holding you back.

So when I got home from the hiking, I called her.

I was upfront with her - told her that I couldn't move ahead with this relationship right now - and move than that I need time.

She is not waiting around - I understand that.

We've kept in contact since...

But personally I'm thinking about the future.

I'd like someday to be married with a family...

I just think adding another dynamic namily anothe man's child to the situation, confuses things. I really don't think having another male (his father (biological)) involved - in some small way will influence my family (with her) in the future.

Things to think about.

Kaine:
Problem is she has a kid.
Moving on means - moving on the relationship to the next level. meeting her son - becoming more involved in that area. Doing things with her and her son.



I just wonder if I have the underlying problem - a problem of commitment to women......

 

[Kaine]

To be fair preferring a relationship where the woman doesn't already has children is a important criteria then stick with it.

If I wanted to take it further as you put it then I too would ensure that all my important requirements in a women are met as well. The less things that bug you then the better your chances of success and satisfaction in the long run.

Honestly In your case consider if she didn't have a child, would you still think the same way?

I am currently seeing a girl now who meets all of my criteria, smart, sexy, playful and giving.

I recognise my fear, which is failure of the relationship, whether it be my loss or her loss of interest. I know if I dwell too much on the possibility of failure, the more I stop smelling the roses and the greater the likelyhood of self perpetuating failure.

Hence I choose and try to live as much in the present as possible, doing all "I" can to maintain the status quo which, presently is pure bliss to say the least.

My point is that your "fear of committment"... is it because you have a fear of failure as I do, or perhaps a fear of loss of freedom? Whatever it is you need to stop focusing on this and enjoy the moment in which it is given. This women sounds wonderful, I hope you didn't let her go over something trivial because you needed a scape goat reason to bail out over another fear.

If a problem does happen and your fear does eventuate, then deal with it then and NOT before it happens, because it MAY NOT.


I hope you find what you are looking for

Kaine

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Originally posted by NewMan
I told her from the very start that I really didn't want to meet him... but that if this was going to turn into a long term thing then I would consider it.

If it turned into a long term thing you would "consider" it? Single moms are a package deal. You don't have the girl in any meaningful way without also having the children. To believe otherwise is tremendously unfair to pretty much everyone involved.

the last thing I want to do is meet her son, possibly bond with him to some extent then possibly leave her and him. It's not fair on her son.

I understand what you're saying, and if you think you can't commit to them both then you're all better off if you walk away.

Just don't expect it to get any easier.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

Hey NewMan,

I like your posts and you seem level headed. I think you did the right thing. No matter what, just do what feels right. Case by case basis, you may meet a chick with 3 kids next time and want to move forward with her. No hard and fast rules, although I can appreciate the fact that relationships are complicated enough without adding some other dudes kid into the equation.

Cesare Cardinali