The "relationship" talk

[Kerpal]

I've been dating this girl for about 5 months. We've already agreed to be exclusive (she brought it up a couple weeks after we met, I stalled for a couple weeks and then agreed) and she calls me her "boyfriend".

A couple nights ago we were lying in bed after sex and all of a sudden she turns to me and says "Do you consider this a serious relationship?". I said I didn't understand what that meant since we had already agreed to be exclusive, and she said "well, I'm not asking you to get married or anything like that but I want to be in a serious relationship, and not just a fling" or something like that. I said "this would be pretty long for a fling" but I never really answered the question and we started talking about something else.

I'm wondering why she asked me this and what she was really asking.

Background info: we only see each other 2-3 times a week, she always texts/IMs me saying "I miss you" and etc, she initiates contact 99% of the time and has told me she feels bad about that (http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=167530). Lately she has also been texting/iming me saying "I <3 you" but never says anything like that in person and I don't say it back. The relationship is great, sex every time we see each other, she buys me stuff and cooks for me all the time, etc. I'm not really used to anyone being this nice to me :crackup:

 

[ENIGMA16]

She wants to tie you down and get it set in stone. She wants you to say "yes we are in a serious relationship" so that it's for sure. So she can change her FB status and start acting all girlfriendy towards you.

EDIT: Basically, it sounds like the relationship is still in a "dating" phase, whereas she wants to take it to the next level and is looking for you to confirm that.

 

[Ease]

Never give her what she wants.

She wants you to give her some cheap verbal reassurance and say 'yes i really like you and this is a serious relationship'.

You dont have to give a straight answer. Be playful and tease, dont be suckered into such nonsense.

She wants to get comfortable in the relationship, so she can have lower interest level and stop being so nice and fun to be around.

 

[Kerpal]

She wants to tie you down and get it set in stone. She wants you to say "yes we are in a serious relationship" so that it's for sure. So she can change her FB status and start acting all girlfriendy towards you.

EDIT: Basically, it sounds like the relationship is still in a "dating" phase, whereas she wants to take it to the next level and is looking for you to confirm that.

Well the part I'm confused about is that we already agreed to be exclusive, she already acts girlfriendy to me. And she's already changed her FB status to "In a Relationship" I'm just not really sure what the point of asking the question was.

 

[Kerpal]

Never give her what she wants.

She wants you to give her some cheap verbal reassurance and say 'yes i really like you and this is a serious relationship'.

You dont have to give a straight answer. Be playful and tease, dont be suckered into such nonsense.

She wants to get comfortable in the relationship, so she can have lower interest level and stop being so nice and fun to be around.

That's basically what I did, I just laughed it off and disregarded it. But what do I do if she asks again and demands a serious answer? Just keep laughing it off?

I think maybe she feels insecure because she texts/IMs me saying "I <3 you" and I never say it back. That's probably her way of "probing" to see if I feel the same way, without having to say it in person.

 

[Slickster]

She is looking for something more. She's telling you that the relationship feels like a fling.

 

[Isko]

It doesn't sound like you love her in a oneitis way, which is when you just feel super amazed that they're with you... I think you should find someone hotter, someone you feel that way about...

Then use the DJ stuff as a guideline on how to keep her...

Being in love, with someone you felt like was out of your league, is pretty ****ing awesome while it lasts.

But yeah it sounds like she IS looking for that kind of thing, a really emotionally raw relationship, but doesn't know how to get it. So she ends up just trying to force the relationship into BF/GF status... she "wants somebody to love." If you want to, play that game with her.. that can be fun too. Telling her you love her and stuff. You might not feel all intensely loving.. but it still is fun.

 

[Kerpal]

She is looking for something more. She's telling you that the relationship feels like a fling.

So what does that mean in practical terms for me? I feel like I don't want to make her feel too comfortable or she'll get bored. Maybe I'm just cynical from being on this site so long.

 

[Cure]

yep... I think you are worrying about this to much.
You've agreed to be exclusive, now stop worrying about it, theres nothing more you are under any obligation to do/say and if she expects more "commitment" at this stage she is crazy!

It just seems like she likes you a more than you like her, which is the best kind of relationship to be in. Keep an eye out for warning signs of her being possessive/controlling etc, otherwise relax and enjoy the food/sex!

Cure.

 

[Jitterbug]

So what does that mean in practical terms for me? I feel like I don't want to make her feel too comfortable or she'll get bored. Maybe I'm just cynical from being on this site so long.

She's been doing all these nice things to you but you didn't mention what you've done for her. Don't go over the top like an AFC would, but I think if you consider it a serious relationship, doing something nice for her every now & then would give her the validation she needs - not too much, not too little, just right. After all, she's been keeping her high IL up for 5 months.

She's bringing this up likely because she's been talking about you to her Female Council and they asked her what you've done for her.

 

[MeteorMash]

I agree. You should probably do stuff for her as well if you haven't already.

Doing this will make her more secure in the relationship. She probably doesn't feel like it's "serious" because it seems one sided so far.

One mustn't get too comfortable and go all AFC or whatever, but you also shouldn't get to comfortable in just sitting back and taking taking taking. Sure, it may be fun and make her work harder, but eventually (And I know from experience) the woman will get bored/ tired of feeling like she's the one doing everything and more than likely leave you. Try to make it a two way street.

Her attraction might be all emotional, but I don't care how much you liked someone, would you keep giving if you weren't getting anything out of it?

I think seeming more into the relationship will give her the validation she seeks

 

[bukowski_merit]

A couple nights ago we were lying in bed after sex and all of a sudden she turns to me and says "Do you consider this a serious relationship?". I said I didn't understand what that meant since we had already agreed to be exclusive, and she said "well, I'm not asking you to get married or anything like that but I want to be in a serious relationship, and not just a fling" or something like that. I said "this would be pretty long for a fling" but I never really answered the question and we started talking about something else.

Ease said, "She wants to get comfortable in the relationship, so she can have lower interest level and stop being so nice and fun to be around." - this is spot on! That is what will happen! I mean - Inside her head she's not like, "I can't wait until i get his verbal reassurance so that i can stop fvcking him all the time." - Inside her head there is a huge mess when it comes to understanding what exactly you guys are. This does all kinds of things to her emotionally. The good news is that she sees you as a high status male; she wants to feel your DNA inside her. The bad news is that it will only get worse on her part, as she continues to push the issue looking for that "lovey dovey" moment when you say "yes baby, we are girlfriend and boyfriend and i love you with all my heart"... She'll melt into your arms that night... maybe she'll have the most passionate sex ever with you! But deep down - when she melts into your arms - a bit of that attraction will melt away as well. And that is the beginning of turning you into her husband and provider.

This is quite the double-bind though. 5 months in; no real "label" other than exclusivity. You're going to get tests either way. If you give in - you're going to get further tests to lock you down. If you don't give in - you're going to start to see some insane behavior. Possibly, threats of "ending this."

I honestly believe that her saying, "im not asking you to get married or anything" means that she has had some thoughts of it. That's a very powerful thing to know. You can use that! If she's acting a little bratty, you can say to her, "you're not going to end up as my wife if you keep that up" or something. She'll probably say, "who said i wanted to be your wife?" And that's when you just smile at her... hardcore smile!

Now - you've DHV and subliminally told her that she should slow it down.

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Ok, so.... ultimately - no woman can really take a relationship that isn't labeled for long periods (1-2+ years) of time without going nuts. The exception is if she's cheating on someone with you (which can go on for a lifetime), or if she's VERY Low Self-Esteem and doesn't feel worthy of a relationship.

That's something to keep in mind.

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I also don't think it's chance that this is happening so close to Valentines Day.