the pullback i've been hearing about

[WestCoaster]

Thanks for the props

The reason I have knowledge is after years of being an AFC. I would consider myself an older grad student at a large West Coast university. I'm older than many undergrads but did very well on the dating scene this year with young women and some grad students because I tossed my AFCness away a few years ago. I also look younger than I am, but my attitude was to take each rejection with a smile and each pullback with an OK, that's life.

Each time a woman has returned or looked at me puzzled like, "Wow, that didn't even phase him, what's going on?"

Trust me, it's taken years to perfect this and I'm still not there. The one thing I do know is whining and being angry about things is the No. 1 turnoff for almost all women, particularly the classy women you want to date.

Thanks again for the props.

 

[davelmn2003]

Man, I wish I had read all these posts before I "went into battle". Now I look back and I can picture girls laughing at how immature I was--feeling hurt, angry, etc. at their indifference, rejection. Everyone I suppose feels that way, but just don't show it.

 

[WestCoaster]

No reason to feel bad. I didn't understand pullback until fairly recently. Everyone makes these mistakes. As a matter of fact, by being on this website you're 100 times ahead of the next guy. Most guys don't understand pullback or staying cool. Just learn from your mistakes and move on.

Just having insight is the first step and you have that. Just remember, pullback is inevitable, it will happen in about 90 percent of relationships (or maybe 100 percent). It's a female phenomenon. Guys want to rush, women want to assess the situation. Patience is the key.

You're fine, no need to worry. This call might even come back on you, who knows?

 

[jakethasnake]

Originally posted by WestCoaster
Just remember, pullback is inevitable, it will happen in about 90 percent of relationships (or maybe 100 percent). It's a female phenomenon. Guys want to rush, women want to assess the situation. Patience is the key.

You're fine, no need to worry. This call might even come back on you, who knows?

I'm telling you Westcoaster -- it's not only a female phenomenon. I've pulled back plenty of times myself. It's just a matter of interest level. If it's below 90%, then it will always happen to both men and women.

 

[WestCoaster]

You're right, pullback happens on both ends. Perhaps because I haven't done it -- well, wait a sec, I have done it.

It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's a time of assessment. We all want to jump into things and push the relationship along and hurry, hurry, hurry. We've all had these incredibly romantic dates and then poof, no contact for awhile. Part of it is wondering about the magic on the date, was it real, will it carry on, should I carry it on, etc.

You're right, pullback happens for both men and women. It just appears, IMO, that women use this more than men, but I could be way off.

 

[Starman]

The pullback does exist..there was this one girl I had no feelings for who kept calling me..she was fun..so I hung out with her alot..I rarely returned her calls/emails

She would get super pissed and call me "A$$hole" on my machine

Then I began to like her..and all of a sudden she started doing the pull back (I put the power in her hands)..I called her numerous times, emailed..and she just responded at her leisure..

I cut off all contact...now she is calling/emailing me again(although not as much)

but Im done with her..because its a yo-yo game that I just dont want to play..Highschool is out.

You have to be careful. who you get involved with and how long you want to take turns pulling back and forth..too much effort..thats not a really rewarding relationship.

 

[Toke]

This post really gave me some peace of mind. I dont know if any of you are familiar on my situation, as I have posted much on it here already. Basically a long time friend of mine and I ended up making out after she dumped her boyfriend of 3 years.

Since then, other than a few convo's on ICQ shortly after, I have had no contact from her.

I'm really thinking now she's just pujlling back, as we were great friends and I know she wouldnt just use me as a rebond guy.
But on the bright side of all of this, when she does finally come around, I think she'll be impressed with the gains I've made at the gym.

 

[Clint Eastwood]

C'mon guys! You don't seriously believe this pullback bull$hit do you?

Obviously you guys are pretty inexperienced with "real" women. Maybe you should step away from your computer for awhile and actually date several women before you give such ridiculous ideas any credibility.

Look, I agree with Jake, the girl really might be genuinely busy. If that's the case, there's nothing to worry about.

But, really! Come on! If a girl really likes you she NEVER pulls back. I've dated lots of women. ONLY the ones who DID NOT have true, high interest in me would pull back. Whether she does this as a test or because she's not interested, who needs her crap? It doesn't matter. I say NEXT her and find a girl who really likes you. Life is too short to waste your time with a girl who "pulls back", unless like Jake said, she is truly busy. Otherwise it's a lot more fun to have a girl who really likes you. And trust me, if she really likes you, She WILL NOT "pull back".

I've had girls who gave up everything important to them. Family, friends, hobbies, work, etc. Just so they could spend time with me. They would call me everyday. IF they went more than a day or two without seeing me, they would say that they missed me, and couldn't wait to see me again.

Obviously, you don't want a girl who is quite this obsessive. Still, the point is to show you two different ends of the INTEREST LEVEL SPECTRUM. On the one end, you have the girls who call you all the time, and want to see you as much as possible. They're always ready and eager to have sex with you, and are very, very affectionate. They even buy you things. They rarely test you, because they know what a great guy you are, and wouldn't even think of disqualifying you. These girls are the best, as long as they're not too obsessive. You don't want her to give up everything for you, but it's nice when she makes at least some sacrifices for you. It shows she really cares.

ON the other end, you have girls who test you. They're not sure you "measure up" to what they want. They "Pull back" or need space, or are always "busy". (not legitimately) They don't give you compliments. You have to coax them into sex sometimes, and even then, they're "not in the mood", "don't feel good", etc. They never buy you anything, but always expect things from you. They're not very affectionate. They make no sacrifices for you, ever. They could care less whether they see you or not. (But, they won't tell you this) They never or rarely call you. In short, they're no fun and should be gotten rid of as soon as you realize you have a girl like this. You're better off alone. At least you'll avoid the frustration and pain of having a girl like this.

Eventually, if you work at it, you'll find a girl like the first one I described. If you do, she may be a "keeper". But, you won't know that until you've dated a lot of women. For me, I have a good idea of what I'm looking for, and what I don't want. BUT, I still have to date many women before, I know exactly what I want.

It's all about her Interest Level in you. If she likes you, she won't pull back. If you want to be stupid and waste your time overanalyzing and thinking this situation to death, go ahead. But, realize one thing.... while you're obsessing over why she's pulling back.... you're missing out on opportunities with girls who won't "pull back".

I think this whole idea is simply stupid. If she likes you, she helps you, and can't get enough of you. That's all there is to it.

 

[Clint Eastwood]

Oh, and one more thing. I've "pulled back" myself. You know why?

Because I was going to break up with her

And, every time a girl pulled back from me, guess what happened next?

You guessed it...

The inevitable breakup or LJBF

It might not happen right away, but a "pullback" is always a bad sign.

 

[Starman]

Cl1t Yeastwood,

The pullback DOES VERY MUCH exist..but its not because she is playing games (sometimes it is) but because you are showing too much interest..and her IL begins to go down..so she pulls back

Once your interest level goes down(pulling back) her IL goes up..yo yo style

Like I said I dont waste time with women like these any longer.

 

[Toke]

You say the pull back doesnt exist, then you go and say you've done it yourself.

How could you do it if it doesnt exist?

 

[Clint Eastwood]

Read my post more carefully. I'm not saying the pullback doesn't exist. I'm saying that it is a sure sign of low interest level and an inevitable break up.

And, Starman, whether you realize it or not, you are agreeing with me. Yes, the pullback exists. But, it doesn't just happen when you show too much interest in her. It happens for a number of reasons. But, it almost always signifies a low interest level on her part (like you said). And, you're in agreement with me that it's not worth wasting time on these women.

I never said it doesn't exist. Again, I said the pullback might as well be called the pullout. Because that's what is really going on. When I did it, my girlfriend got all psycho. She started to pull back herself. Why do you suppose she did that?

Because she knew when she did a pullback, it was a bad sign. So, here I was doing it to her when she was madly in love with me, and she went nuts. Anyone who knows much about relationships will tell you a pullback is bad news.

 

[Toke]

I dont agree man. It's definately not something I'd be excited about, but also not neccessarily something to worry about.

It could mean a lot of things, depending on the situation.

 

[violator]

Exactly, Clint.

Starman: Yes, I have found myself playing the yo-yo routine with girls who when you show interest they back off, but when you pull back, all of a sudden their IL seems to shoot up. But ask yourself, is their IL genuine or just part of a game. Like Clint said, a girl who truly likes you, will cut the crap and do things for you rather than sit there expecting you to treat her like a queen. If she is not doing anything for you other than occasionally calling you which doesn't count for anything, than in my book she is not interested.

As an AFC I used to get all excited when a girl would give me her number or better yet call me or go on a date with me. But I have come to realize that if a girl truly likes you, she will go to the ends of the earth to be with you or help you. Anything else does not mean shyt. She could be a gold digger, an attention hoe, a sunshine girl, etc. All of these girls tend to exhibit fake high IL when it serves their purpose. But what distinguishes them from the real thing is that a girl who truly likes you will sacrifice herself in one way or another. I think that is what Clint is trying to say in his post.

 

[Starman]

aight clint, I misread your post..and yes I agree .. if a girl pulls back its because of low IL..

when you pullback and her IL goes up, its not that she is more interested in YOU as a person..she is more interested in HERSELF/SELF Esteem..so she pursues YOU to test if she can still hold your interest

BUT..being creatures of wanting things we cannot have..a guy doing the pullback and maintaining the pullback is a great way to have her chasing you and appearing as a challenge

but the caveat is..this is only for One night stands..these chicks are not relationship material..because once you show interest..they are out the door

 

[WestCoaster]

In a strange way, the pullback is a compliment

The pullback -- yes, it does happen Clint -- is in some ways a compliment. Women are assessing things, trying to figure out if it's right. If they think after a night of sex or making out or one magical date is enough just to rush headlong into a LTR, then they're dumber than the AFC who is dating them!

Have you ever waited a couple days before accepting a job offer? I have. I pulled back to assess things. The jobs I didn't pullback on turned out to be awful. I've pulled back and given myself time on grad school acceptances or rejections, women, jobs, cars, places to live, etc. Whenever I didn't pullback and rushed into things, it's NEVER worked out, period.

The dynamic here is the pullback by women is frustrating. Ninety-nine percent of the guys on this board (including me) want to rush, rush, rush, get things going, get into a LTR, have no patience, etc. Those kind of relationships are fun, passionate, and intense -- and short-lived. Trust me, they won't last long and the AFCs will be back on this board crying about their breakups.

Clint how could you say pullback doesn't occur? All of my married friends have had this happen to them by their now-wives when they were their then-fiances. And all of these relationships are healthy. The ones that weren't and ended in divorce was when there was no assessment time.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

Bump for the cats in the other thread

 

[Alpheta]

Bump for the cats in the other thread

This bump makes sense now. Thought it was a major coincidence lol.

Great to know my experiences are somewhat agreed by the djs.

 

[Floydispink01]

Some solid wisdom here.

 

[bigneil]

But, really! Come on! If a girl really likes you she NEVER pulls back. I've dated lots of women. ONLY the ones who DID NOT have true, high interest in me would pull back. I think this whole idea is simply stupid. If she likes you, she helps you, and can't get enough of you. That's all there is to it.

This might be true when she first meets you and it comes to getting your first date, but 2-3 months in, this is absolutely false in the relationship stage. Every girl, every time at some point will pull away, if only to test you. Women are moody. Women are not 100% predictable forever. Their feelings change like the weather.

Now, the dark side of the pullback. The pullback means she caught feelings for someone else.

The pullback means she isn't the kind of girl who can have multiple lovers at once, so it's a good sign. She goes from being really into you to being really into another guy so there is a huge difference.

Corey Wayne gets it right:

Chris Canwell gets it right:

Craig Kenneth gets it right: