The Plow Horse Man? You work I'll provide the V? Please lend me your ear.

[Marble]

Hello,

My first post. This is some time back but I'm trying to place a description of the LTR woman in my life. ((Look I know waaaaa, but tell me what this was?))

We were seeing each other and one day she told me her parents were selling their house and she needed somewhere to live and she cried. I thought this meant she wanted to live with me and more. (I would never have said this to someone without meaning it.)

I was 27ish as the time and thought well I should do the right thing and we began looking for a house. Houses in my area had already begun a skyward trend and the only thing we could afford was a former rental home (Beaten!). We moved in and I began work rebuilding the home... I spent 6ish years fixing the place up, spending weekends putting patio stones down, installing kitchens, bathrooms, painting etc etc. There was brief talk of having a child to which my suggestion was to prepare herself. (No further mention occurred). One weekend I stayed home to work on the house while she went to her parents cottage she said to me she liked coming home to find things done. I don't know what she thought I was supposed to think of this but... my thoughts were your selfish!

At some point she suggested we move to a larger home, no real explanation was given. In the back of my head I did think crap this place is just coming along nice..... Well in between homes we stayed temp at another place and I had my very 1st VERY serious reservation. What was I doing? I was unfulfilled. She didn't seem to me to behave like a woman who loved me... she seemed perfectly satisfied watching TV. I was welcome to obtain sex from her she wasn't like previous woman I knew... previous women who seemed to be saying... sex is fun... sex is the sport men and woman play together... lets put the mattress on the floor and party.

I was not given any special care. For example on my 30th birthday her friend baked a birthday cake, on occasions where I came home with injuries from sports and I was not tendered.

This went on for about a year in the 2nd home and began to look around at my future... This home was larger and while functional there was no end in site for my labours to end and expense. It was at this time I told her I was not happy... Her reaction was to brush it off. We began arguing... and after a while I realized she was not listening... That my feelings and concerns were not valued or considered part of us being together. This was a major issue for me... the woman I was with had found the singularly most repulsive thing in a relationship that would offend me. Not valuing me.

Close to the end she asked about having a child. She said this while walking in our front door. Out of the blue. I didn't know how such a conversation was supposed to be had but... I couldn't imagine it being while she was unlocking the front door with her back to me. I said sure... but honestly I was like are you kidding!! I've spent the last year sleeping on the far 3rd of the bed away from you! Soon we stopped talking altogether.

What was this? She was perfectly satisfied to watch TV while I worked. One weekend I found myself joking with her family that I was #3 in the house behind the TV and cats... I had said it half in despair and half in hopes she would hear me another way. Seemed like she was perfectly happy to have me "work" till death do us part that somehow this was an acceptable life.

What on earth was this?
T.

 

[Visionist]

This was your journey to awakening & becoming a man. Wise men learn from other's mistakes.

There are no wise men today.

You learned the proper way.

 

[Focal core]

Seems sounded perfectly the intimacy is dying.. Relationship starting to falls off.. Dont have kids with this women.

 

[bob2007]

What type of work do you do? Seems like you are a people pleaser.

 

[lost_blackbird]

3rd place.... You were doing well.
I came behind her friends, family, career, hobbies, tv and the dog.
I learned the hard way too. I broke my back and she broke my heart.

 

[Serenity]

She was selfish and you were her income it sounds like. She was probably like this all along. Had it not been for the pressure of her needing to find a place to stay, would you have bought a house with her? There are more than a few things I'd make sure of before deciding to move in with a woman.

 

[Focal core]

What type of work do you do? Seems like you are a people pleaser.

Op.. Bob has a point there, find out why you allow this to happened from the beginning. Its important to learn about yourself to avoid you came across this type of relationship dynamic in the future.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Your problem is that you expected nothing from her, likely because you may be a people pleaser as bob2007 mentioned. You also likely express love through acts of service but 95% of women don't speak that love language. It is a downward spiral: You don't expect anything from her yet continue giving to her and she loses respect for you and gets increasingly bored. The more she loses respect for you, the less she wants to serve you. I experienced the same thing as you in my first marriage. I didn't draw boundaries with her, I didn't expect enough from her, I was blue-pilled so I didn't know what real, true, healthy masculinity was, and I didn't enforce my boundaries and expectations of her. Technically I did draw some (but not enough) boundaries but she would just argue over them and I never enforced them because it would mean ending the relationship and I did not have an abundance mindset at that point in my life. I didn't understand then that being single the rest of my life would be better than being with a woman who has no respect for you and is only taking advantage of you.

I know how to do a lot of things (cars, houses, career, dating, whatever) and genuinely enjoying helping people, but I don't do it because I want people to like me, so my helping people doesn't make me a people-pleaser. People already like me for who I am so I don't need to help them out to win favor or approval from them, but even then, I have learned the kind of generosity I am naturally inclined to have is often counter-productive, not just for romantic relationships but for platonic friends too. People want to feel like they earned your favor. It's one of the 48 laws of power. You should require your friends to serve you just as you serve them. Offering generosity without expectations beyond friendship upsets people - it makes them feel undervalued.

Back to romance, it is difficult to enforce boundaries when you are living with someone because there is a lot more pain involved in moving out, breaking a lease, selling a house, etc. So the key is that you have to evaluate how much a woman invests in you during the dating phase of your relationship and eject if she is not serving you. This is why it's so important to date a woman 1-2 years before moving in together. A woman having a crisis and needing a place to stay is not a valid reason to move in together.

Lastly, many women are just lazy and entitled, pure and simple. Their parents did everything for them and treated them like princesses and they are happy to just lay around and watch TV all the time while you do all the work. Any suggestion from you that they pull their own weight will be met with arguing and withholding of sex. May of these kinds of women also have high levels of anxiety which they claim as their excuse for not being "able" to pull their fair share of the weight, and as justification for spending all their time watching TV. These are the women you filter out during dating.

The reason she was asking about a baby is because she was bored in your relationship. Like most women, she probably didn't know why she was bored, just that she was. When this happens, women look for external sources of excitement. The most common two forms of excitement women pursue when bored in a relationship are cheating, and having babies.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

This was you dancing with the viper in the viper's den, she had every intent of taking your ass to the cleaners but you had self respect and she was a simpleton who gave up easily, other women won't give up so easily, be careful bro

 

[Marble]

Gentlemen! Replies appreciated. I had thought I'd never get to the bottom of this odd ball.


FYI - No never had kids... I believe that would have been work for her that at least in the beginning couldn't carry this for her... I assume she couldn't own that. I do note she did goto her own job robotically like most women I have known. She never questioned it... Never thought this is the rat race. I understand most women are not philosophical!


I just didn't know about moving in together.
I didn't know people would do such things for the wrong reasons, I sure as F wouldn't move in with a woman I thought I couldn't commit too.

Yes. I have come to understand I am a people pleaser. I work in IT support. What's worse I like to work hard and grew up with my fathers example who worked hard... and my mother had mental issues occurring after a stillborn child... He kept the wheels moving. My mom never returned from work after, and I came later. He worked and often most stuff around the house including chorse that I imagine my mom should have been doing... although never cooking. I site this as why I stayed in the relationship so long.

I admit didn't want to quit.... and part of me... honestly I thought somehow she would grow. She never did.

I've learned that many people never admit there mistakes or errors... because this means they would have to admit they are/were wrong. She never admitted to doing anything wrong or saying sorry, never took in what I said about my troubles in the relationship and processed it.


OldManOfThese:
I have learned to gauge a woman's actions yes. And I can tell you many seem pretty low energy / low output. I have the 48 laws of power on audible... I will examine it for people pleaser. (Very long book). I note what you say about expectations from others and will think on it and how to adopt it. She was from a wealthy-ish family... surely never worked herself to exhaustion ever like I have so often done. Yes entitled.

A child because she was bored... God help me. Yes I think the 1st time the occurred she was board. This was triggered by a family member suggesting she was a little older. The 2nd time part of me thinks this was an attempted to get me on the hook to be her work horse all over again.

Dam life!

 

[Marble]

She was selfish and you were her income it sounds like. She was probably like this all along. Had it not been for the pressure of her needing to find a place to stay, would you have bought a house with her? There are more than a few things I'd make sure of before deciding to move in with a woman.

Moving out. It was not directly in my thoughts at the time. Although I believe I was in need of change or an adventure.

 

[Focal core]

Gentlemen! Replies appreciated. I had thought I'd never get to the bottom of this odd ball.


FYI - No never had kids... I believe that would have been work for her that at least in the beginning couldn't carry this for her... I assume she couldn't own that. I do note she did goto her own job robotically like most women I have known. She never questioned it... Never thought this is the rat race. I understand most women are not philosophical!


I just didn't know about moving in together.
I didn't know people would do such things for the wrong reasons, I sure as F wouldn't move in with a woman I thought I couldn't commit too.

Yes. I have come to understand I am a people pleaser. I work in IT support. What's worse I like to work hard and grew up with my fathers example who worked hard... and my mother had mental issues occurring after a stillborn child... He kept the wheels moving. My mom never returned from work after, and I came later. He worked and often most stuff around the house including chorse that I imagine my mom should have been doing... although never cooking. I site this as why I stayed in the relationship so long.

I admit didn't want to quit.... and part of me... honestly I thought somehow she would grow. She never did.

I've learned that many people never admit there mistakes or errors... because this means they would have to admit they are/were wrong. She never admitted to doing anything wrong or saying sorry, never took in what I said about my troubles in the relationship and processed it.


OldManOfThese:
I have learned to gauge a woman's actions yes. And I can tell you many seem pretty low energy / low output. I have the 48 laws of power on audible... I will examine it for people pleaser. (Very long book). I note what you say about expectations from others and will think on it and how to adopt it. She was from a wealthy-ish family... surely never worked herself to exhaustion ever like I have so often done. Yes entitled.

A child because she was bored... God help me. Yes I think the 1st time the occurred she was board. This was triggered by a family member suggesting she was a little older. The 2nd time part of me thinks this was an attempted to get me on the hook to be her work horse all over again. My advised kick her out!

Dam life!

These behaviour are learned in your childhood from bad parenting example and you subconsciously applied to your adult life finding for partner that seems familiar to you in term of same wavelength.. Theres a lot of thing you could do ti re-learn what are an healthy relationship is al about.

 

[Marble]

3rd place.... You were doing well.
I came behind her friends, family, career, hobbies, tv and the dog.
I learned the hard way too. I broke my back and she broke my heart.

I wish better for you. Although I had joked with her and her family about it more than once. It was expressed in disappointment. Nobody saw this.

FWIW I was very careful to make sure she took the television when she left. Not sure what you call this but I found it satisfying.

 

[Focal core]

Healthy relationship are reciprocal in nature.. And very playful with each others partners.. Lots of intimacy.

 

[Focal core]

Kick her out!

 

[Marble]

This was you dancing with the viper in the viper's den, she had every intent of taking your ass to the cleaners but you had self respect and she was a simpleton who gave up easily, other women won't give up so easily, be careful bro

Yes some self respect. I remember when it was almost done... She was naked facing away from me on the bed changing. I knew I would be worse off in many ways when it was over... I would certainly be worse off financially... I have personally only a small family and I would lose whatever support was there... if there ever was any. I thought I wouldn't live as long and that perhaps all along I had just expected too much from her.

I knew another woman was never going to be easy... I felt the temptation of her body, you always crave a woman its unfair. But this.. having her was now nothing more than a road to loss.

 

[Marble]

Kick her out!

Its long over now. We had to wait until I finished renovating the bathroom... When it was done she asked what was next, I told we next put the house up for sale. She was not upset. She was just quite. Perhaps she knew... she had already burnt it all down.

 

[Focal core]

perhaps all along I had just expected too much from her

Thats was wrong.. Way wrong type of thinking.. You just have been with a wrong women.

 

[lost_blackbird]

Healthy relationship are reciprocal in nature.. And very playful with each others partners.. Lots of intimacy.

I wouldn't know... Never had a relationship like that. I've always felt like I have to earn my affection.

 

[Focal core]

I wouldn't know... Never had a relationship like that. I've always felt like I have to earn my affection.

Its begins with yourself, when you truy understand your value, enjoy being alone with yourself to the extend that you feel the most important relationship are with yourself.. Genuinely leads fullfilling joyous life only than you will attract the same type women you been searching for.

Likes attracts likes.