The paradox that is "be yourself"

[Krynnster]

The paradox of "be yourself"

I am probably known in this forum as someone who would always tell people to "be themselves" and not try to act like someone else when trying to get women (or to accomplish anything else in their lives for that matter).

This approach has always made sense to me because by being myself I guarantee that the women I attract will be compatible. They will not fall for some personality traits I chose to fake but will choose me for what I really am. It's a simple philosophy that is working for me so I thought I'd share it with the rest of the world.

But lately, some posts here caused me to question this "be yourself" attitude, mainly the one by BigBadJohn who wrote that he was getting sick of the "be yourself" and "let fate control your destiny" attitude. I wanted to reply to his message by saying "yes" to "be yourself" and "no way" to "let fate control your destiny"... and I spent some time trying to think of very clever arguments that would demonstrate why these two things were not necessarily tied together (or "inextricably intertwined" as Douglas Adams would put it).

And the problem is that the more I think about it the more I realize that this whole "be yourself" thingy is one big, ugly paradox.

Let me explain...

A couple of years ago, I was trying to get women by "being myself" and it just didn't work. These days, I am still "being myself" but this time it's working very well. So, while the approach is still the same, the results are dramastically different. How come?

Here's how:

In the Blue Corner, we have Yesteryear's Krynnster. He is a nice guy who has a little confidence problem. He is very shy and likes to avoid confrontations by making compromises. When a woman smiles at him he gets all excited. He becomes easily infatuated and that makes him clingy and eventually drives women away from him.

In the Red Corner, we have Today's Krynnster. He is still a nice guy but he doesn't have any confidence problems. He is not shy and he approaches women whenever he feels like it. When a women smiles at him, he simply smiles back and tries to get to know her better. He no longer becomes infatuated because he realized that he is the prize and not the woman. Women don't exactly flock to him by the dozens but he is getting his fair share of attention.

When you put it this way, it's pretty easy to understand why Today's Krynnster can live by the "be yourself" code while Yesteryear's Krynnster cannot.
Yesteryear's Krynnster's personality is fundamentally flawed and therefore he cannot "be himself" to be successful with the ladies. He has to change and by doing so he is automatically creating a new "self".

And this is the reason why I'm now saying that "be yourself" is a paradox. If you got the traits needed to get the ladies, then "be yourself" is the way to go. If you don't, then you must change, which no longer makes you "your old self".

So, should you "be yourself" or not?

I still am a firm believer in what I wrote in the beginning of this long post: you shouldn't attempt to lure in women by playing games and creating all sorts of fake "mystery auras" around yourself. You should up sell your positive traits and downplay the negative ones. But, at the same time, if you know that you need to develop some new personality traits to make you more successful or a happier person, I think you should do so!

In that sense, when I'm advising someone to "be himself", I'm simply suggesting that he will dispense with the pretensions, try to stay true to his own self and won't use any "techniques" that don't fit well with his personality. After all, getting the ladies is a wonderful goal, but you still have to enjoy the ride and come to the finish line smiling.

I hope this makes sense...

K.


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Decent people don't use their signatures for promotional purposes. To learn more, visit my web site at http://krynnster.tripod.com .

 

[SAV40]

All the sense in the world. Use the system, but tweak it a bit to fit your style and her personality......

 

[Poet]

Krynnster...glad to hear it. I have always believed that who we are is a product of our experiences with the "world" & how we percieve ourselves based on those experiences. To change yourself is fine as long as you like what you've become. I do...& it's as real if not more so than that wimpy clueless guy I used to be...I can still be very gentle & understanding but not when it effects me in a negative way. I stay on the straight n narrow & won't tolerate any BS from myself or others...Now that I am "different" people (women) percieve me differently...that's a real good thing! Poet


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Action is all....words don't mean ****.

Trust your instincts & nothing else.

 

[Bravo]

This is unvariably one of the most insightful post I have seen on this board to date. True wisdom.

Take notes kiddies.

Bravo

 

[Krazy Delinquet]

You cleared that up quick.

Good Post Man

 

[BigBadJon]

First let me commend you on an intellegent and well thought out post.

Originally posted by Krynnster:

In the Blue Corner, we have Yesteryear's Krynnster. He is a nice guy who has a little confidence problem. He is very shy and likes to avoid confrontations by making compromises. When a woman smiles at him he gets all excited. He becomes easily infatuated and that makes him clingy and eventually drives women away from him.

In the Red Corner, we have Today's Krynnster. He is still a nice guy but he doesn't have any confidence problems. He is not shy and he approaches women whenever he feels like it. When a women smiles at him, he simply smiles back and tries to get to know her better. He no longer becomes infatuated because he realized that he is the prize and not the woman. Women don't exactly flock to him by the dozens but he is getting his fair share of attention.

When you put it this way, it's pretty easy to understand why Today's Krynnster can live by the "be yourself" code while Yesteryear's Krynnster cannot.

Ok, I'm not quite following you here. You say that you did change, but with the changes you made you still consider it "being yourself"?

You changed your attitude to reflect a higher opinion of yourself. That's all I am asking everyone to do.

Yesteryear's Krynnster's personality is fundamentally flawed and therefore he cannot "be himself" to be successful with the ladies. He has to change and by doing so he is automatically creating a new "self".

Everyone tosses this being a jerk thing around too much. It confuses people. The proper conclusion to draw from this is not the fact that the jerks get what they want, but that anyone who has a healthy dose of self respect is more likely to get what they want.

The guy who treats women terribly is the one who gets the label. There are plenty of decent guys who don't have a problem with women. They share the same traits with the jerks, but noone pays them attention because there is no reason to have animosity towards them.

And this is the reason why I'm now saying that "be yourself" is a paradox. If you got the traits needed to get the ladies, then "be yourself" is the way to go. If you don't, then you must change, which no longer makes you "your old self".

So we are saying the same thing. My words may be a little more harsh, but we are on the same track. This is important not only for attracting women, but also to be successful in other areas of life as well.

So, should you "be yourself" or not?

I still am a firm believer in what I wrote in the beginning of this long post: you shouldn't attempt to lure in women by playing games and creating all sorts of fake "mystery auras" around yourself. You should up sell your positive traits and downplay the negative ones. But, at the same time, if you know that you need to develop some new personality traits to make you more successful or a happier person, I think you should do so!

Couldn't have said it better if I tried.

In that sense, when I'm advising someone to "be himself", I'm simply suggesting that he will dispense with the pretensions, try to stay true to his own self and won't use any "techniques" that don't fit well with his personality. After all, getting the ladies is a wonderful goal, but you still have to enjoy the ride and come to the finish line smiling.

If you don't like yourself or the way others treat you, there is nothing wrong with making a conscious effort to raise your level of self respect.




[This message has been edited by BigBadJon (edited 11-28-2000).]

 

[locrian]

Here's my take on the "be true to yourself" bit and the paradox.

I have this image of the kind of person I strive to be, I call this the "Ideal Me." So the real question is who is the "real" me: the person I am now or the person I am striving to become, the Ideal Me? I consider the "real" me to be the latter.

The person I am now maybe isn't the most confident, funny, or outgoing person in the world. But if I feel that I will be a better person for having these qualities, then more power to me - for being something I'm not right now in favor of becoming the kind of person I want to be. Does that make sense?

So if I am outgoing in front of a girl and at heart I am painfully shy, it is only because I am making an effort to become the person I want to be.

That's the paradox - being who you are right now means not being who you are becoming, and being true to who you are becoming means not being true to who you are right now.

I gues I'm saying the same thing as Krynnster
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"If you got the traits needed to get the ladies, then 'be yourself' is the way to go. If you don't, then you must change, which no longer makes you 'your old self'."
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except that I'm thinking in the opposite direction in time 'your future self' vs 'your old self'

 

[Jdog]

But, at the same time, if you know that you need to develop some new personality traits to make you more successful or a happier person, I think you should do so!


Good post! Throughout life, as people mature they gain things, like confidence, that might have been a lot harder to attain years ago. But as we get older, all of us, we become different people. But as we mature the fundamental principles and values we have stay the same.

I think no matter what, you always have to be yourself, hold on to your principles and be in a constant state of improvement. Like you said, To truly find someone you are "compatible" with, you have to be yourself.

Life is about change and learning, so what ever traits you aren't happy with you should try to improve on. Ultimately those improvements will lead to more ladies anyway.

 

[BigBadJon]

You know, the best thing about trying to play the role you wish to be is that if you have the will and believe in yourself enough, these qualities will begin to come natural to you.

In addition, a little pep talk before you go out on the prowl does wonders. Look in the mirror. Think of the fine honies you've been with in the past. Say to yourself "I'm one damn fine mother f*cker. I've attracted my share of lookers in the past, and I can do it again tonight".

Funny thing about all these qualities we strive for. All it takes is a little push in the right direction to fill the sails with wind. Build a little confidence and it breeds more confidence. Which in turn causes others to see you in a different light and treat you differently. This boosts your self esteem, and gives you respect for yourself. Before too long, you feel like you can achieve anything. And with a winning attitude theres nothing stopping you.

 

[ChrisFl]

So how do you get from the blue corner to the red one?

 

[Devlar]

Overall your post is quite true
(here it comes...)
But..

The problem here is with the definition of "yourself". Now i don't really understand how you define it but, this is how i believe it should be. "Yourself" is all of your unchangable parts.

Your experiences.

This is something you can't change. My point though is the fact that depending on experience people will change their personalities. Someone who's had negative experiences with women will change their personalities differently than someone who gets every woman he wants. You saying "be true to yourself" means more to me "Be true to your experiences in life" because overall they are the ones that define you.



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Devlar

Remember its hard to be a gentileman, but that doesn't mean it's not fun

 

[Raoul]

bump

 

[comic_relief]

bump

 

[comic_relief]

bump

I just realized the true importance of this post. In the beginning to get girls attracted to me, I used fake stuff but now i use my regular personality and I attract the girls.

comic_relief

 

[TheLegace]

Pretty amazing analogy, and the best way, that the confidence message has been portrayed to me, i dont like being myself really, cuz either im to shy, to boring or to annoying.

 

[MightyMate]

If beeing yourself was a mehtod you woldnt need this forum. You come here to learn methods of others.

 

[comic_relief]

Originally posted by MightyMate
If beeing yourself was a mehtod you woldnt need this forum. You come here to learn methods of others.

Wrong, I thought the same way that you do but in reality this website does much more if used correctly.

You should be coming here to learn to change yourself to become the best person that you can be. You learn the methods and then disregard the ones that you don't think are that good. You then incorporate what you like into your own personality. That is how it worked for me.

I don't know about the rest of you but I am much better since I learned new moves and such. It helps a lot. This website is a God Send to everyone.

Comic_Relief

 

[Boner da Stoner]

I love how nobody points out the fact that being yourself is being all that you can be. The army commercials say it for a reason.

There is too much philosophy and not enough method and self-discipline.

To be yourself is not to stay the same, it is to grow stronger, and to not be fake.

Femme's can spot a fake a mile away, and that includes the guys who suck up to them and brown nose until it hurts. There is a reason why anybody who REALLY tries to impress somebody is a liar, because they don't believe that hard work can take you further than a silver spoon can in life.

"Be Yourself" Does not mean, be who you think I want you to be. It means, be who YOU want to be.

Your always changing, and you one minute ago, can be the same you hollering and hooting and smashing chairs the next, as long as your not lying to yourself than your being yourself.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

JBY

One of the hardest things for anyone, male or female, to hear is that they need to change their lifestyle because it implies that them just 'being themselves' is in some way at fault for their present conditions. It's analogous to telling someone they're not living their lives 'correctly' or that they're raising their kids 'wrong'. If I have a friend that is shooting heroin and I actively encourage him to stop and make an effort to help him 'clean up', society calls me a hero or a savior. When I encourage my friend to quit smoking before she gets cancer, I'm a concerned good-friend helping my friend with a health risk behavior. But when I tell a friend he's fat and this is a reason for his unhappiness and he needs to hit the gym and start taking better care of himself to look better and feel better, then I'm a 'shallow' prick and insensitive to his 'problem'. Worse still is even attempting to offer constructive criticism, in as positive a light possible, that a person can improve themselves by changing their outlook and modifying their behavior.

Personality is not only malable, but it can change dramatically under specific conditions. An easy example of this is veterans with post traumatic stress disorder. These men were exposed to traumatic environments that fundamentally altered their personalities. While this is an extreme illustration it proves that becoming a 'different person' is a matter of conditions. If my conditions are such that I enjoy sitting at home eating a whole pizza, washing it down with a six pack of Budweiser and watching Anime on a Friday evening, can I realistically expect that hot fitness instructor at the gym to come on over and genuinely want ball my brains out? And why not? Afterall I'm only being myself and she should "love me for who I am", right? If this were my case, the conditions that define my personality are incongruous with attracting and/or maintaining a relationship with someone whose conditions are not my own.

We can alter our own personalities and have them altered by our conditions or any combination of the two, but to suggest that personality is static is a falsehood. The trap is to think that altering personality is in anyway disingenuous - there are certainly teriffic 'actors' and posers and the like that when we are confronted with them we sense (or even know) that they are pushing an envelope that they may not be entirely comfortable with, but there is merit to a 'fake it till you make it' doctrine. We only percieve it as being 'false', 'superficial' or as "trying to be something your not" when we have a concept or knowledge of a previous set of personality behaviors. If you met a ****y-funny guy at a club this weekend how are you to know whether he's the real deal or stretching the limits of his personality if you've never met him before?

 

[MightyMate]

Originally posted by comic_relief
Wrong, I thought the same way that you do but in reality this website does much more if used correctly.

You should be coming here to learn to change yourself to become the best person that you can be. You learn the methods and then disregard the ones that you don't think are that good. You then incorporate what you like into your own personality. That is how it worked for me.

I don't know about the rest of you but I am much better since I learned new moves and such. It helps a lot. This website is a God Send to everyone.

Comic_Relief

Depends on what beeing Yourself means.. If it means to be You, it means You are now 'New You'. Is it still the same?