The pain won't go away....

[TheDoctor]

My girl broke up with me (15 month LTR) and I have lost my sh*t. I wake up every morning and it's worse than the morning before. I'm having a hard time coping. It's been two weeks and I think about her constantly. I can't get her off my mind. We shared such an intense love at one time.

She left me because she said she fell out of love with me. However, she told me she loved me the night before she broke up with me. I fvcked up and made her the center of my world. I tried to make us one instead of letting each of us be our own person. I smothered her, didn't trust her, guilted her into doing things or feeling bad about her actions, tried to control her, showed insecurities constantly, got mad at the smallest thing and held a grudge over it, lost my individuality, lost my vigor for life. I became a negative person, no longer the fun, exciting, spontanious, crazy person I have always been.

She even tried to fix things. She told me to be more confident around her, trust her, give her some space, let her miss me. I didn't do any of that. I turned AFC and ran her away. We (especially her) have not been happy for months but we tried to press on.

I hate the person I became with her, I hate acting that way. I lost my swagger, my edge. I am going to get all that back, I know, but right now I'm having a hard time doing anything. I don't eat, I sleep like sh*t. I wake up every morning with a empty hollow feeling inside my soul. The pain won't go away....


---This is my rant/release. AFC as hell I know but I'm quite sure that most of the members of this community haven't had this type of connection with someone and then lost it. Has anyone ever lost the one person they truely loved more than anything? How did you cope?

 

[teagan]

You need to realize she is no longer the love of your life. You are. And you need to improve yourself so that you can get out of this slump. Focus on yourself, not on the past. Look towards the future and realize things will right themselves. Show her one day that you are better than she thought you were. Learn from what you did and never repeat it.

 

[speed dawg]

Well, this may not be what you want to hear, but it also may wake you up. It sounds like you're still holding onto her. From your post, and my experience, and reality in general, I can 99.99% GUARANTEE she's never getting back with you. And if that other 0.01% chance comes along, it will NOT last. You are out for the long term, in her mind.

It sucks, but the sooner you understand that, the sooner you get yourself back together. You MUST learn from this, else it was all for nothing. I promise you there will be other girls. Stick around this site.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

My heart goes out to you. I really feel your pain. I just don't understand, though... you have all of this awareness of what went wrong, (at least on your part), so why did you continue to chase her away?

I left an ex a few years ago for the same things... and the minute I realized things would not change, I was outta there. 10 years later, he STILL calls/e-mails/texts once in a while to ask me to come back.

Assuming your girl feels the same about you, as I do my ex, there probably isn't much chance of salvaging the relationship.

I like to look on the bright side of things, so just remember that this IS a positive experience, because you gain understanding and wisdom through your pain, and hopefully these things aren't likely to be repeated.

I'm hoping you find it easier each day to cope with the loss, (and feelings of guilt, I presume). It's going to be intense for a while, but hang in there and it will work itself out.

It's also important to keep your mind off of her, and not dwell so much. Participating in hobbies, sports, making new friends, and socializing will all help to cushion the blow. Good luck to you.

 

[DJDamage]

She left me because she said she fell out of love with me.

She lost interest in you, falling out of love bullsh1t is the biggest cliche that is out there.

I hate cliche's.

However, she told me she loved me the night before she broke up with me. .

That's a mindfvck if I ever seen one. I guess saying I love you the night before really meant "I want you out of my life?"

I fvcked up and made her the center of my world. I tried to make us one instead of letting each of us be our own person. I smothered her, didn't trust her, guilted her into doing things or feeling bad about her actions, tried to control her, showed insecurities constantly, got mad at the smallest thing and held a grudge over it, lost my individuality, lost my vigor for life. I became a negative person, no longer the fun, exciting, spontanious, crazy person I have always been..

This maybe all true however there are two people in a relationship and I am sure that you "not trusting her", "trying to control her" and getting "mad at the smallest things" were as a result of her actions not being in congruent with your needs. If you make a list of all the things she did to you that you felt weren't right for a girlfriend to do, you would find that she was flawed in that department as well.

She even tried to fix things. She told me to be more confident around her, trust her, give her some space, let her miss me. I didn't do any of that. I turned AFC and ran her away. We (especially her) have not been happy for months but we tried to press on...

When women start telling men how to act around them so that they can be more attractive to them, its the begining of the end to a relationship. Your relationship at that point was held together by a thread, it may have been a signal on your part to have ended things instead of fighting the current and waiting for the end.

I hate the person I became with her, I hate acting that way. I lost my swagger, my edge. I am going to get all that back, I know, but right now I'm having a hard time doing anything. I don't eat, I sleep like sh*t. I wake up every morning with a empty hollow feeling inside my soul. The pain won't go away....

You might be suffering from depression and you need to find ways to get out of it. Either find ways on your own to get back to normalcy or go see a therapist.

 

[TheDoctor]

remote....how much time did it take you? I don't want to still be thinking about her months and years down the road. I see things on the web where guys are posting things like "it's been two years" and "12 months later i'm starting to feel better". I don't want to be in that boat. I want to move on.

Enter problem:

I moved here 2.5 years ago. Started s3xing my girl 6 months after the move, then moved into an LTR with her. The problem is that I met her and ALL the rest of my friends at the same time. Literally, EVERY friend I have is also her friend. We hang out at the same places everyweeked with the same people.

My whole life here was tightly woven with hers. EVERYTHING is see and her reminds me of her and times we've had. EVERYTHING.

How long?

 

[Faded Image]

The worst thing you can do right now is to jump into another relationship to fill a void.

It's going to take time but you have to have a desire to get over her. It took me almost 14 months to get over my x-wife after she left but I got over her.

Let it hurt and allow it to burn because you're at rock bottom right now; the only other place to go is up.

In the end, this experience will only make you stronger and you should treat this as a lesson learned.

 

[f283000]

I really want to give the OP bad rep for this, this is pathetic!

 

[WhtRbt]

Check out Eckhart Tolle

 

[Joser590]

The worst thing you can do right now is to jump into another relationship to fill a void.

It's going to take time but you have to have a desire to get over her. It took me almost 14 months to get over my x-wife after she left but I got over her.

Let it hurt and allow it to burn because you're at rock bottom right now; the only other place to go is up.

In the end, this experience will only make you stronger and you should treat this as a lesson learned.

This poster is right. You are at rock bottom now so all you can do is to let it out(the hurt) After awhile of venting you will soon start feeling better and see no more point in hurting. It will still hurt from time to time but you will feel a whole lot better than you do now. It has only been 2 weeks so it is still fresh. There is no where to go but up from here.

Reading your story reminds me of what I went through. I wanted this girl for six years but never had the guts to speak to her. Finally after 6 years and growing a pair I approached her and bulit a LTR with her. It was so awesome being with the girl of my dreams. In the end it didn't work out because OF THE SAME REASONS YOU HAVE STATED. I was a total AFC in the relationship and that drove her away. I mean I couldn't go anywhere because everything reminded me of her. It was just too much us.

In the end, I used this as a BIG LEARNING EXPERIENCE (just like Faded Image says) and have become a better person for it. This is not going to kill you, its going to make you stronger.


One thing I did that actually helped me during my hurting process and its going to sound corny as hell was watch the movie "Swingers"
Don't know if you have watched it but it is with Vince Vaughn and Jon Faverau. The main character is going through the same thing you are going. Watching this movie made me realize how pathetic I was acting and helped me get back out there because I was so money and I didn't even know it.

Can you move away from the place you live at?

 

[TheDoctor]

I have seen swingers, most of it anyway and it's funny that you say that because a friend of mine told me to watch it as well.

As far as moving away, I have no reason to stay here other than I like it here. I live on the beach, I like my friends. That's the pros......The cons, I am about to get laid off from my job and the only woman I have ever really loved left me so.....

I could move away, but I would only do it for a promising job opportunity, not because i couldn't handle the breakup with my ex.

 

[drak_ool]

this is the second thread you start about this break-up...pretty much all the good advice on how to move on and get your life back on track has been dished out to you, but you won't be able to put it in practice until you realize one thing:

THIS GIRL IS NOT A PART OF YOUR LIFE ANYMORE

She left you. She doesn't love you. She doesn't respect you

You have to get your head around the fact that you will most likely NEVER get back with her. So scratch off all your plans that involved her, stop thinking about what you 2 would be doing right now if you were still together, etc...

The reason you are hurting right now is because you don't want to accept that it's over. Only once you get past that will the growth process begin.

this sounds obvious, but the more women you have around you, the easier it will be to stop thinking about your ex. Yet, the more you think about your ex, the more depressed you get and the less attractive you are to other women. It's up to you to snap out of this vicious circle.

 

[Interceptor]

Doctor, from your post, I can see that apparently you still have not yet fully realized your own Identity, and individuality. You are/were so enmeshed with her, that of course when she left, so did 'you'.
So your sense of loss is doubled , because apparently the only identity you had was with your then GF. That is NOT GOOD.
And what you are experiencing is exactly what happens to men when they have no life of their own, and they get involved in an LTR.
You were simply not aware of how PREPARED you MUST be before you agree to an exclusive LTR.
But this experience is GOOD.
Because it lets you KNOW what can happen.
You must mine this experience for Gold. Use it for learning to know what not to do and how far not to go.

You must use this time to discover yourSELF and WHO you are.
What you like. What you dont like. What is fun and interesting to you, and brings you joy. What is your passion.
All these things.
These preferences lead you to your own Mission.
Your mission will provide a constant guiding star for you.
Knowing who you are helps you have a strong internal compass. And when you have that, the external circumstances have less of a detrimental effect on you.
THIS is how you can BE in love with your woman, and not lose your vision.
You wont lose your path, your road, your Mission.
You will be balanced and love her freely and maturely.
And you wont 'die' if she leaves.
You still have your SELF and your Life and Mission to complete.

Apparently you put ALL your emotional investment into her.
And this was irresponsible and immature on your part if so.

She isnt responsible for your fulfillment or happiness.
So to put so much into her was not fair to her or you.

Let this be a lesson on how not to love your woman.
Let this show you how you are not loving her and respecting and honoring yourself by going over board like this.
Its great to totally be 'into' someone and feel her be totally 'into' you.
But you and her must be strong and mature enough to let each other go if you must. And let each other be FREE.
Free to live each other's lives.

We do a disservice to ourselves and our partner when we MAKE them 'our everything'.
She wont be able to handle that kind of pressure or responsibility.
She wants a man, not someone she has to take care of in an almost parental manner. This is crucial to understand.
We must have activities and hobbies, and interests of our own, that we can share or not with our partner.
But our own lives, and happiness is our responsibility. And a good relatonship with a good woman is supposed to enhance our lives.

Pretty much all this kind of emotional pain is us not understanding.
Not seeing in an objective manner what is really happening.
If you are growing and learning from this, then is this really a negative experience? and if it isnt a negative experience, then should it cause 'pain'?
Should we believe that there MUST be pain?
Are we throwing up our hands in surrender and resigning ourselves to a lifetime of loneliness and misery?
Because there will NEVER be another woman in our life, right?
I mean there is NO HOPE we will EVER be with another woman in our lifetime, right???
Do you see where this is going?

Will you let this experience be something that builds you up, or tears you down?
Will you let yourself be brave enough to face yourself alone?
To just be with yourself alone??
Can you handle that??
if not, then you will never be ready for another LTR.

When we get so close to someone, we sometimes lose perspective.
So we think that our partner's resources are our own.
But what they give us, they give us as a gift. Its not ours to take. we are not entitled to it.
So appreciate what you do get, because its not ours to take. Only to receive should our partner decide to share with us.
We shouldnt take our partner for granted, and vice versa.
But we should also maintain healthy boundaries, respect, and true adult, mature perspectives on what to expect in an exclusive LTR.
If youre not ready for one, you will experience some dysfuncton.
Its up to you to learn from it and act on changing an undesireable dynamic into one YOU WANT.
It really is.
No one is perfect.
And relationships dont exist in a vacuum, without tending to and nurturing.
So be aware of your boundaries and hers, and what you want, what she wants, and what you are willing to put up with and not.

Relationships are places for us to grow. And honestly, to enjoy.Because thats the ENTIRE purpose of an exclusive LTR. To enjoy each others company.
But be aware that your partner and the relationship are like a lamp and a mirror.
They will bring out and highlight your strengths, but also your weaknesses. They will bring out what makes you brave but also what you fear.
They will show you what you dont like about yourself and what you are not good at often.

Growth and change dont HAVE to be painful.
But truth be told, the less we are prepared to deal with LTRs and our partners, the more chance our relationships will not be really fun, fulfilling and loving ones.
But again, how else will we get that kind of experience and skills at being with our woman?
We can read books, watch DVDs, and read SS till the cows come home, but being actively with a woman will be the true test of reality.
Some men can handle that, and are ok with the uncertainties and vulnerability found in an LTR, and some arent.

Not everything in an LTR is about pain.
And being in an LTR is really a choice, not your duty or obligation, or forced enslavement. Never let yourself be shamed into having to be 'committed' if thats NOT what you want. Understand what the dialogue is. Is it out of fear? Or is it because youre not into her. Maybe shes just not relatonship material, and it has nothing to do with the Ye Olde "Afraid of Commitment" crap.
Its perfectly ok to just want to fvck an attractive woman. But dont let yourself be forced into one just for the sex.

You DO have the power of choice.
So choose wisely. And go in prepared. Be ok with uncertainty.
Be ok with being vulnerable. Develop the resiliency to bounce back. And let yourself be brave and trust yourself to come out on top no matter what. This is what we should be doing anyway.
But relationships often magnify and quantify this for us.

Stay true to your personal vision of your life.
Understand that there is no substitute for the wisdom gained from an LTR. And that you cant get that kind of expertise from a book.

 

[edger]

This is one of the reasons I say, SHOW THEM NO MERCY, FOR THEY WILL SHOW YOU NONE.

 

[edger]

The part that most bothered me about my situation, was that she wouldn't give me another chance. For christ sake, and I even told her this when it all happened, there are guys who beat the f*ckin' sh*t out of their girlfriends and mentally abuse them, yet their girlfriends will STAY with them, or better yet, if they do break up with their boyfriend, will give him another chance and try to work things out(I didn't beg, but was just trying to make a valid point to her). There are lots of situations like this. My situation with my ex wasn't even one tenth as close to that! When we argued, I'd describe it as passive arguing. We were never at each others throats the way a lot of couples are with each other. It's f*ckin' ridiculous how the relationship went south. It's so ridiculous that I feel stupid even talking about it with people. But what I believe it came down to with my ex, was that she never really loved me, despite how she constantly professed her so-called deep, everlasting love for me through her words, poems, etc. She was a good actress/deceiver, that's all she was. And for that, I hope karma comes back to bite her in the ass bad, or she atones for it in the next life. Cause one thing you don't do to another human being, is f*ck with their emotions. Her actions crippled me and altered the course of my life. I could've, and know, I would be at a different place in life at this point if it weren't for her actions. It set me back a few yrs. She knew she didn't care for me or love me, but she got involved with me anyway. That pisses me the f*ck off. She should've stood away from me and not ever got involved with me to begin with..but no, she was selfish.

 

[darkstarrr]

I have just what TheDoctor ordered!

Actually maybe not but I think one of the things that might help you is to do a little digging into my history on this board.. starting from my very first post and slowly but surely making your way to this one right here. That might be pretty exhausting and time consuming.. but I'll summarize for you.

Just how suprised could you suddenly find yourself feeling better after you realize that I went through the exact same thing and felt the exact same way and completely understand exactly what you are going through?

Heck I took over a month off from work after my last breakup!
Nevermind Who does that.. Who does that and doesn't lose their job?!

Lord knows how I am still employed by the same company.
They gave me a second chance. They believed in me.
And now, in every aspect of my life I am sticking it left and right like one of those parallel bar mother-fuckers in the olympics.

I wish I had more time to comment on your situation right now, but I'm on a business trip and need to go meet a random female I met online.

Don't worry bud. You are going to be okay.
I'll leave you with this for now.
Please read it, and please pay special attention to post 4 there and each of the subset of threads injected into it.

You are the man. Remember that..
Talk to you soon.

PS - Why didn't you post in MM? Also, who cares if you are being AFC. Don't get down on yourself. Don't fall into the vicious downward cycle of telling yourself negatuive affirmation. Embrace what you are going through. Get it out of your system. Bask in the toxicity of the chemical combination release associated with it and with rejection/loss so that you are able to be smacked in the ace hard enough to force yourself to learn how to prevent this from happeneing again. If I did it then you can do it, too.

Good luck.

 

[Kevin Feng]

Hey man, I totally understand you pain.

If it's any consolation, when my LTR of 2.5 years broke up with me, she left me in complete depression, I wasn't happy for a year and it sucked because she was very attractive and my standards were at her level, but I didn't have the skills or confidence to get a girl like her back.

For me, I took desperate measures and went on the show and learned pick up from the best. Obviously, this isn't a solution everyone can take part in.

In retrospect, if I hadn't gone on the show, I still would have learned pick up one way or the other. I would have taken bootcamps, gone out, set goals. Treat pick up like a work out, if you put enough sweat into it, you'll make it happen.

Ween off this girl, she's like a bad addictive drug, you know it.

"Pick up is 90% sweat, 10% strategy" - Asian Playboy

-Kevin

 

[S.Y.L]

I made you a poem

Why dont you suck it up
And go **** another chick up


I hope you like it.

 

[mikel]

I really dont think anyone could put it better than speed dawg, every word in his post was the gospel.

These things happen man, You are meant to learn from them. This will for sure happen again(unless this puts you off ltr's for good, and some guys let it). But everytime you take it a little better.

Just feel some relief in knowing that everyone goes through this. I was crazy about my first ltr of 5 years, I was so in love with her it was coming out of my eyeballs, and she acted the exact same way. We had been through soooo much ****, and through all that time we had both learned that we were the only ones each other could count on, and it worked for a long time. We moved around the country, slowly making our lives better. Then one day, I come home and the furniture and everything is gone with a Dear John letter in the place where our nightstand use to be. I was in Nashville, Lower Antioch in a little apartment on the corner of Nolensville and Harding, 16 hours from anyone I really knew that could help me. Discarded completely by the only real person that I had trusted in this world. That was 2 years ago, and I haven't seen or heard from the girl since.

Dont worry about the guys acting tough, everyone that has ever been in love has went through this, and if they haven't then they are lieing or they have never had a girlfriend that wasn't on the internet.

GL man, Time heals all wounds. It'll get better trust me.

 

[The Logical Player]

this is the depression every single guy goes through when he commits to a some random woman and makes her into a guuuurlfriend

this is why i tell everyone to STOP HAVING COMMITTED GIRLFRIENDS, because there is no reason to trust a 21st century american h0 when she says "i love you"

I have said I love you to dozens of girls, simply to get from them what I want - I love you is the most manipulative phrase EVER in the history of dating, and taking a girl's commitment to a relationship seriously is dating suicide

SUICIDE