The only one who loves you is your MOMMA

[lookyoung]

I have been going through a LOT of problems over the past year or so. I won't go into detail, but lets just say that I HOPE this is going to be the worst stretch of my life and that things will get better from here on out.
I'm dealing with some crazy sh!t right now, and there have been a few times when I was sitting at home and needed someone to talk to. On every occasion I would grab my phone and go through my contacts looking for SOMEONE I could call that would really care what I have to say, and every time the only one that jumped off the screen was my parents.
I have numbers for good friends, chicks I have dated in the past, business contacts, you name it. But when I asked myself if any of them really cared, the answer was "no". Not to say that I blame them......until I started going through a rough stretch I took everything for granted myself, and I was as guilty as the next guy of not really giving a sh!t about anything but my own issues.
It's one of those things that isn't good or bad, it just IS. It's just a fact of life.
People are selfish. I know this. It just wasn't until recently that I realized that just like many other things, the concept of "love" that I had been brainwashed with throughout my entire life is an illusion. Maybe not exactly an illusion, but it isn't like what you see in the movies. It's nothing more that a psychological and physical feeling that is subject to many outside forces over which we often times have little control.
To me, romantic "love" falls into the same category as religion. It isn't something that can be proven. it is subjective. It is open to interpretation. that's why I HATE it when a woman asks me if I have ever been in love. If I say "no", chances are good that I would not be giving her an accurate answer based upon HER idea of what love is.
Joekerr brought up some interesting points. What he is saying is correct, however, it doesn't change the fact that "love" is not and never was what most people make it out to be. Yes, people used to have to rely on each other much more. That just goes to support what I am saying. "Love" serves a practical biological function. It isn't a magical, mystical thing that falls from the sky to bring you happiness when you deserve to be happy.
I would venture to say that people today probably "fall in love" even more than they did hundreds or years ago. But now it so much easier to "fall OUT of love" due to the fact that people don't have to rely on each other. This makes it seem as if it isn't as easy to find true love, when actually it's nothing more than the fact that the biological need for love is resting on a shaky foundation.
My mom knows about most of the stuff that has happened in my life recently. I told her how I caught my ex g/f cheating on me, how more than one so called "friend" screwed me over, and how pretty much anything that can go wrong for me lately HAS.
When I see her I know that she feels genuine compassion for me. i know that if I need ANYTHING, she would do everything in her power to help me.
That is in sharp contrast to my relationships with people outside my family. So called "friends" screwing me over, girlfriends dissing me to chase something that isn't even there.

Hey bro keep your head up. Sh1t happens in life. I myself had the worst year ever in 2006. Its hard to get back up when you keep getting kicked. But you must never quit. You have to have a warrior mentality. There is someone out there for everyone. Friends, Girlfriends, they all come and go. But family especially mom is there forever. A wife or GF is replaceable but noone can replace your mother.

Be grateful that you have a mother that loves you. Look around you many people have it worse than you. There are people starving. People that are sick. People that are handicapped. You must be tough in these times. This is what being a DJ is all about, rising to the occasion.:box:

Don't let someone elses actions define your happiness or who you are.

What helped me alot during my rough time was Brazilian jiu-jitsu(I have found my passion) find yours. Also I always read inspirational books. Right now I am reading Winning everyday by Lou holtz.

Best of luck to you STR8up. And if you need anything PM me. Things will get better.

 

[grinder]

If anything, your post is inspiring to me in that, perhaps, I could be a better friend to a few friends I have that I know are going through rough times. Sometimes though, its hard to know if they really need help because they don’t ask and don’t want to admit they could use help.

Now, this is going to sound cold, but, what are you going to do when your parents are dead? When you have not even family to turn to?

This probably sounds somewhat chilling, but its not. My parents have been dead for years and I have no siblings.

When absolutely everything is stripped away from you it’s a strange paradoxical feeling. I’m not sh*tting you, when I began to cope with it I literally felt like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, I knew that I was my own ultimate beginning and ending.

The enormous sense of responsibility for my own life was balanced exactly with an unparalleled sense of freedom.

Getting back to the reality of your situation, I can pretty much guarantee you there are people on your contact list that if they knew you needed them, they’d help. Since you have a lot of chick friends, you know they’d love to rescue you, but it would not feel very alpha to accept their help; and, any one of them you accept help from we all know the attraction would dry up.

 

[joekerr31]

the down side to love is that it encourages self pity.

the rising pheonix that you experienced was the death of self pity.

when our parents are alive, or when we have a wife, or gf we love, etc. - when things go badly we tend to pull the 'woe is me' card, subconsciously seeking reassurance and sympathy from those around us to make us feel 'wanted' 'loved' or just feel generally better about ourselves.

but when there is no one to turn to theres no point in crying over spilled milk because no one cares. and without anyone else caring, theres no purpose or reason behind pitying yourself or your situation.

you just shrug it off and move on with things.

most of the advice i give on here is centered around this notion. you dont have to wait for everyone who cares about you to die before experiencing the rising pheonix phenomena.

you can experience it starting today. all you have to do is STOP seeing life as unfair, STOP seeing yourself as a victim in any given scenario, and ALWAYS focus on simply moving forward in life.

people who go through the 'rising pheonix' phenomena become natural DJs because the death of self pity instantly creates confidence, high self esteem and the ability to make decisions in an objective fashion.

when you don't beat yourself up over things, when you don't NEED situations to work out a certain way in order to be happy, it becomes VERY easy to walk away from low quality women. it also becomes much easier to attract high quality women.

and one other thing to consider. women are constantly in a state of self pity. 90% of them are forever in the 'woe is me' state, which tends to lead to two forms of behavior....

1) behaving like a victim to get attention (creating drama and sh*t testing men to bring out an emotional response in the man which reassures her that he is still emotionally invested in her)

2) becoming self centered and narcissistic (manipulating, cheating, lying, etc. - using men in every fashion concievable to get what they want.)

high quality women dont NEED a man. they dont NEED others approval. they DONT lie, cheat and manipulate. they are strong enough to put themselves out there in a honest and sincere way and take the chance of being hurt (because they know they can survive it if they are). they have overcome the state of self pity and as such are free to take risks. people where self pity is still a core trait are forever relating to others from a ultilitarian perspective (ie. what can i USE you for) rather than a symbiotic perspective (how compatible are we and what can i share with you that you need, and what can you share with me that i need)

 

[Luthor Rex]

life use to be HARD. really hard!

there was no day care, no microwaves of electric stoves, no tractors or cars, no easily accessible doctors, no welfare, no schooling available to the masses, etc.

and as hard as life was, getting through it alone was even harder! theres simply not enough time in the day to clean the house, work the fields, cook the meals, etc. all by yourself.

people NEEDED each other - desperately.

You're absolutly right. Both sets of my grandparents were married for 50+ years and if you listed to their stories they lived through (what would would call) grinding poverty. Marriage and teamwork was absolutely an act of survival because the abyss was so near.

why? because they have it to easy. life isn't hard enough. when life is too easy human beings become lazy, self centered, spoiled, narcissistic, etc.

I would like to add to this.

The real enemy here is ignorance. People are giving up their long term well-being in exchange for their short term well-being. They do this out of the ignorance that while 'making things work' in a relationship may be hard in the short term, it will provide for better long term stability and over time the relationship should get easier. Teams that train hard up front and stay together tend to perform better in the long run. This isn't rocket sience.

So life being hard wasn't what really made other generations have their marriages work: it was that the hard life illustrated for them in a direct and concrete way why short-term self centered actions tend to not work out. The hard life forced them out of ignorance.

Education can also force someone out of ignorance as well. Also, if enough minds should be 'liberated from the matrix' then their neighbors will see them and say "hey, their life is going so well and I want that too!" Those who want the better life, but who live in ignorance, can then go to the successful ones and be shown how to make things work.

Thus, the tide can be turned; sanity can exist between men and women but only once ignorance is dispelled.

Mr. Anderson! Welcome back! We've missed you...

 

[STR8UP]

Its hard to get back up when you keep getting kicked. But you must never quit. You have to have a warrior mentality.

I don't have any choice but to keep going. It just sucks that everything in my life was going GREAT for awhile, and then the bottom fell out and nothing, I mean NOTHING has been going right for awhile now.

And it wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that a lot of it had to do with people who I have known for a long time and trusted with my life. Having been betrayed by a person who holds such a position of trust, it makes you paranoid. Now I always wonder who will be next to stab me in the back.

Anyway, I appreciate the words of encouragement. Sometimes it seems like I get more help off an internet message board than I do in real life...lol

 

[STR8UP]

If anything, your post is inspiring to me in that, perhaps, I could be a better friend to a few friends I have that I know are going through rough times. Sometimes though, its hard to know if they really need help because they don’t ask and don’t want to admit they could use help.

I would very much encourage anyone to try to be as good of a friend as possible to people who have proven themselves to you. You never know when the tables might be turned.

Now, this is going to sound cold, but, what are you going to do when your parents are dead? When you have not even family to turn to?

I know, I know. I have to be able to trust people outside of family. And I do.....I own a business so I really don't have any choice.

I'm sure things will get better and the wounds will heal enough to allow me to get back on the horse, so to speak.

Since you have a lot of chick friends, you know they’d love to rescue you, but it would not feel very alpha to accept their help; and, any one of them you accept help from we all know the attraction would dry up.

It's interesting that you bring this up, because I actually caught myself spilling a little too much to one of them.

She's the 20 yr old I was hanging out with last year before she moved away for school. I fukked up once or twice when I let too much out about my situation.

Of course on the surface she was "caring" about it, but I know that my value in her eyes is tied to my masculinity (we have hooked up before), and I could tell that it was compromised to an extent when I brought the sh!t up.

The damage must not have been irreparable because she just told me she's moving to my city to finish up school and it sounds like she's still down for some action

But yea, I was SOOOO tempted to call up one of my strictly platonic female friends when I felt like talking about sh!t, but I thought about it and didn't think it would be wise.

It just doesn't seem like the right thing to do to show that kind of weakness in front of women, even if you are nothing more than friends. Could also have to do with the fact that I dated her best friend. Or maybe I should have called her, who knows, but it didn't seem like the right thing to do at the time.

 

[d9930380]

The OP is absolutely right. It could have been me that wrote that post.

However I would also lump old friends into that group or women that you've been with for YEARS. Basically time gives you the evidence to be able to judge someone, then you can decide if you love them and IF they love you.

However.... all that said, I still think the link between family is the strongest.

 

[blueguy]

Joekerr is right about people needing each other more back in the olden days.

HOWEVER, it is my opinion that just because people didn't divorce does not mean they weren't just as selfish back then as they are today. My opinion is that selfishness hasn't changed. I'm sure husband and wife yelled at each other all the time... maybe they didn't divorce... but they still treated each other like little sh1ts. :moon:

As far as the Phoenix rising thing, I'm sure some people experience it at different times in their lives. My parents are still alive, but I probably experienced that a couple years ago when I realized what they wanted for me wasn't in my best interest... but rather their best interest. It's just me and myself, really. Reminds me of a Green Day song.

 

[englishman]

"Women do not fall out of love, they redirect their emotions." (or, when they are not being emotionally 'supplied' they find another 'supplier' .)
You paint a doomy gloomy picture Str8. One could start to wonder whether women are all immature, underinvolved ,self seeking, emotional sponges who exploit men to be 'fed' and, if the supply dries up ,they move on ??

Hmmm, sounds about right -

I agree, if I look back over my life, yep those women that I thought loved me jumped ship like the proverbial rats from a sinking ship. If you supply them with what they desire your in, if you fall on hard times dont look to them for what you need, you wont get it and they may well jump ship. Just pretend everythings fine.
Kind of makes me wonder why I'd want to be in a relationship with em beyond sex?
Anyone got any other good reasons???? maybe Im losing it.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Just pretend everythings fine.

:crackup: This is actually great advise for relationships. It's amazing how many issues seem to dissapear when you do this.

 

[blueguy]

Yes, that really is great advice.

Most of the advice on this site is based on that principle.

You're a stock. You want confident investors!

 

[STR8UP]

Love is an illusion. For the scientific explanation read "The Selfish Gene" by Richard Dawkins. It is a classic explanation of evolutionary biology which explains why your GF or wife doesn't really love you.

And, while we're on the topic, your "friends" are mostly people who are using you in one way or another.

BUT DON'T WALLOW IN IT.

Most of life is an illusion. If you ever had your appetite die on you, you saw that food is really just a pile of dead stuff you put down your throat. If your sex drive ever evaporated, you realized women are just hairy monsters with too much makeup. It's in our mind that we make these things into so much more.

So, you got to do stuff that is REAL. Stuff that doesn't depend on anybody else but you. Be your own most reliable best friend. Once you have real skills doing real things you will be in demand from any woman. When love drives up at one well, three more will appear. Leave all the pouting to the poets and philosophers who are, generally speaking, gay.

Although this post was somewhat of a stab at me, I commend you on the way you put this into words.

I have read The Selfish Gene. Excellent, excellent book. That's why I KNOW rationally that things ARE truly an illusion. But I think that to an extent you have to live with one foot (or at least a couple of toes) planted in the land of illusion, or life isn't much worth living.

That's why I sometimes make reference to "The Curse of the DJ" which is basically the negative side of "knowing better". It prevents you from taking some chances, and although it protects you from a lot of the pain that you might normally endure, it also keeps you from experiencing some of the pleasure.

Really....think about it. If you CANNOT or choose NOT TO live with a little of yourself inside of the land of illusion, life is gonna pass you by. The vast majority of people live with their heads in the clouds. It is THEIR world. You can't beat 'em, so the next best thing is to learn how to dance in between realities to be able to cull what you can from both.

That's what this post was really about. In order to lead a fulfilling life, part of me must live and interact amongst others who are OVERLY selfish, to the point that it might work for them in the short term, but almost always works against them in the long term. Too bad for them.

 

[blueguy]

It prevents you from taking some chances, and although it protects you from a lot of the pain that you might normally endure, it also keeps you from experiencing some of the pleasure.

I don't necessarily think that's true. The point is to keep taking risks - just more educated risks. Ones that maximize the positive and minimize the negative you experience through life. No avoiding dating or relationships, just avoiding it with the wrong people.

 

[Luthor Rex]

I have read The Selfish Gene. Excellent, excellent book. That's why I KNOW rationally that things ARE truly an illusion. But I think that to an extent you have to live with one foot (or at least a couple of toes) planted in the land of illusion, or life isn't much worth living.

This will probably be too brief and vague, but I am in a bit of a rush and thought this deserved a comment...

One of the things I think Ayn Rand got right about selfishness relates to this very well... too often we see selfishness only in traditional terms and that means short-sighted selfishness.

A rational selfishness will realize that sometimes we must give up imediate gains for long term stability. In a marriage I may give up the ability to have children with several women, but this give me the benefit of being able to invest heavily in the several children I do have and ensure that my wealth is passed on to them.

On a larger scale, monogomy is advantageous to most men because under that system just about every male will end up with a wife. Where-as in polygany it will only be the top 10% of men who end up banging all the women.

 

[blueguy]

A rational selfishness will realize that sometimes we must give up imediate gains for long term stability.

That would be Reciprocal altruism.

 

[Luthor Rex]

That would be Reciprocal altruism.

The word 'altruism' is inappropriatly used.

reciprocal altruism is a form of altruism in which one organism provides a benefit to another without expecting any immediate payment or compensation. However, reciprocal altruism is not unconditional.

Altruism would not expect anything in return, where clearly this kind of altruism does expect something in return.

Dawkins was right about our selfish genes.

Darwin was right too...

 

[blueguy]

I think part of the frustration stems from the fact that everybody in this world is two-faced. There is a game being played - by everyone - and it is difficult sometimes to look beyond that.

Sometimes you get lost in the illusion of it all, but sometimes it is glaringly obvious. Sometimes you see things from the outside and see people being seduced, knowing the true intent of seducer and despising what is happening. Sometimes you are despised yourself.

Thedeparted has great advise. "Don't wallow in it." That's something I have always told myself. Just move on. And it always works. Sometimes it is helpful in a situation, however, to take a pause and stop to think about what is going on before you dig yourself into a pit.

The word 'altruism' is inappropriatly used.

It's an evolutionary biology term. Since evolutionary biologists (Dawkins) know true altruism doesn't exist, I think they used the combination of common words to make a different meaning.

But I think that to an extent you have to live with one foot (or at least a couple of toes) planted in the land of illusion, or life isn't much worth living.

I didn't see that before. Sounds like you didn't need to make this thread in the first place.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Well, that's part of the deal about going after "hot" girls, is that other guys are after them and if a BBD comes along they can just as easily fall out of love. The only solution is to go after less attractive girls for long-term relationships that way it's more harder to form new relationsihps with other guys and they will have more of a vested interest to make a relationship work.

A successful relationship is also a function partially of how easy it is for any person to form a new relationship with someone because that determines the incentive of trying to make it work.

So, if you go after "hot" girls where you know they can just get another relationship with 10 guys waiting in line if you screw up, then that's part of the deal with the "looks" thing.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Luke,


That's an interesting point you just made. One reason why hot chicks can dismiss ONE guy for another so quickly is because most guys are boring-----both in AND out of the bedroom. They are usually so busy kissing the girl's ass that they don't realize that they're taking too much of her "shyt" in the process.

And add to that, the DISTURBING fact that usually the hotter the chick, the less of a good character and personality she's likely to have. Why? Because she never HAD to develop these traits. Thanks to the Legion of Super AFCs (trust me, they're NO superhero group...lol) these chicks have been taught that ALL they need to get a man is to just be FINE AS HELL as opposed to being KIND AND CONSIDERATE too.

Now I KNOW that this doesn't describe ALL attractive women, but I feel that it does describe MOST of them-----and especially the younger ones and some of the olders one too who haven't had their comeupance yet.

So here's ANOTHER alternative to consider before a man resigns himself to dating "a little LESS than hot" chicks:

If you can focus on becoming more and more a man of UNIQUE value in the eyes of ALL women, then you will certainly be perceived as "the prize" even by SOME hot girls, eventually.

Focus on doing things IN your life and WITH your life that the average guy DOESN'T do. I believe that if we do just THIS small thing, we can make BOTH our lives enjoyable AND ourselves more memorable.

We've heard it all before, but it's always good to hear it again.

KEEP becoming a better man and you will increase your chances of attracting better women.

Let us NEVER stray too far away from these fundamentals, soldiers!

Because it's usually just a matter of time before "the hot chick" is able to see PAST the throngs of starstruck "boys" competing for her attention and spot a real MAN in the distance.

We must never forget that outside of the realm of the familial construct, "love" does not spring from nothingness. It is mostly CONDITIONAL----and especially so, initially.

It's all about RESPECT. And the true meaning of respect is derived from breaking down the word by it's PREFIX and SUFFIX.

"Re" means "AGAIN". And the word "spect" means "to see, or to look".

So "RESPECT" means "To look AGAIN".

And the only way anyone besides your "Momma" will EVER love you is if there is something about YOU that makes them "look at you again"...to SEE if there is something about YOU that is unique and worthy enough of allowing you entrance into THEIR lives----in a more LASTING way.

So THIS is how it BEGINS...

Recognizing the value of a person leads to RESPECT.

And respect..."ALWAYS" preceeds LOVE.


Peace...one day.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Good question. Is love just fvcked-up brain chemicals?