The one who gutted me after my marriage ended. LONG POST.

[Whydomyeyeshurt]

Hey brothers, I've been reticent to post this here because I guess it's a massive acknowledgment of what I consider to be the last major blue pill heartbreak of my life. And I know we're supposed to all be tough and strong or at least working towards that and I'm getting there but it's been a ****ing ride to say the least.

So I was married for 13 years and was a major blue pill beta doormat. In the end I was the one who ended the marriage and it was the right thing to do, but afterwards I became involved with someone I've been friends with for a long time and it was short and intense and then she left to go travel abroad and met someone else. To be clear, I knew she was leaving to travel abroad, and I was certain that she would meet someone else because that's how long distance stuff works. But of course I entertained romantic hope that it would work.

When we officially ended things I was completely devastated in a way that I really never expected and have a hard time even putting into words.

Gentleman, I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I am 45 years old and I would be driving my car and weeping openly.

Now, I think the heartbreak created space for me to process other stuff like my father's death before the pandemic and 3 years of lockdown with a psycho narcissist, but in the end it was the love of this woman who even made that devastating space possible.

During the heartbreak, I dove head first into red pill stuff and at first it was the most devastating thing to read. The red pill truly is bitter. But through it and through the community of man that I've become associated with I'm the strongest, most courageous, most successful version of myself I've ever been, but I'm not out of the woods yet.

I think of her everyday guys. I'll imagine that she is somewhere, alive, living her life with someone else and I'll still feel a pain of sadness. I'm more or less past the weeping part but it's a lingering sadness that I feel moving forward in my life.

I honestly can't tell you whether or not the 13 years of a terrible marriage and a subsequent relationship with someone else that broke my heart has been worth it to arrive to the place that I'm at. All I can say is I know it was necessary for that to happen for me to be where I am now, but I can't tell you that I'm grateful for the hell I went through.

Everyday I think about reaching out to the girl who went abroad and broke my heart and just sending her an email and pouring my heart out, but I know way deep down that no contact is the way it's got to be. I just wish I could articulate to her how strongly I felt for her and how important she was to me, but I'm wary of all of my blue pill tendencies and feel that all I'm doing is trying to become an orbiter.

I don't know what I'm trying to get from you guys by posting this but I just wanted to share it because I don't know if other guys have gone through this stuff or if you guys have any words of wisdom or support you want to give to some stranger on the internet. But I'm all ears.

Thank you brothers.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Hey brothers, I've been reticent to post this here because I guess it's a massive acknowledgment of what I consider to be the last major blue pill heartbreak of my life. And I know we're supposed to all be tough and strong or at least working towards that and I'm getting there but it's been a ****ing ride to say the least.

So I was married for 13 years and was a major blue pill beta doormat. In the end I was the one who ended the marriage and it was the right thing to do, but afterwards I became involved with someone I've been friends with for a long time and it was short and intense and then she left to go travel abroad and met someone else. To be clear, I knew she was leaving to travel abroad, and I was certain that she would meet someone else because that's how long distance stuff works. But of course I entertained romantic hope that it would work.

When we officially ended things I was completely devastated in a way that I really never expected and have a hard time even putting into words.

Gentleman, I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I am 45 years old and I would be driving my car and weeping openly.

Now, I think the heartbreak created space for me to process other stuff like my father's death before the pandemic and 3 years of lockdown with a psycho narcissist, but in the end it was the love of this woman who even made that devastating space possible.

During the heartbreak, I dove head first into red pill stuff and at first it was the most devastating thing to read. The red pill truly is bitter. But through it and through the community of man that I've become associated with I'm the strongest, most courageous, most successful version of myself I've ever been, but I'm not out of the woods yet.

I think of her everyday guys. I'll imagine that she is somewhere, alive, living her life with someone else and I'll still feel a pain of sadness. I'm more or less past the weeping part but it's a lingering sadness that I feel moving forward in my life.

I honestly can't tell you whether or not the 13 years of a terrible marriage and a subsequent relationship with someone else that broke my heart has been worth it to arrive to the place that I'm at. All I can say is I know it was necessary for that to happen for me to be where I am now, but I can't tell you that I'm grateful for the hell I went through.

Everyday I think about reaching out to the girl who went abroad and broke my heart and just sending her an email and pouring my heart out, but I know way deep down that no contact is the way it's got to be. I just wish I could articulate to her how strongly I felt for her and how important she was to me, but I'm wary of all of my blue pill tendencies and feel that all I'm doing is trying to become an orbiter.

I don't know what I'm trying to get from you guys by posting this but I just wanted to share it because I don't know if other guys have gone through this stuff or if you guys have any words of wisdom or support you want to give to some stranger on the internet. But I'm all ears.

Thank you brothers.

Your universe of women for the last decade or so has been two. I challenge you to socialize and network until you've met and talked at length to at least 10 women you find interesting. Ideally these are women in community spaces that you find enjoyable regardless of their company (yoga, dancing, whatever you fancy that has a mix of sexes).

Remember that there are four billion women on this planet. To give you some perspective, if you met a women every second for 60 years, you would still be shy of two billion. There are literally more women on this planet than you could possibly ever hope of meeting, a relatively infinite supply, and here you are crying and pouring your heart out over two (or one really).

You underestimate your power and influence so severely that you're intoxicated on the dramatic feelings this falsehood has given you.

Remember that if you're not codependent (which it sounds like you were) you'd be happy to send someone off that doesn't want to be with you, and wish them well. To plead or want them is a projection of lack, a worldview that you are complete only by externals, that you deserve to be unwanted. Yet we all know this is patently untrue.

The tools to your prosperity are already in your mind, you have to simply pick them up. Then you build, brick by brick, a fortress of the mind and a temple of the body, and when you've built to abundance you'll be happy to share that abundance with the people in your life. It's worth having, and thus it's not easy to obtain, but it's entirely possible with the determination already in you.

First there is dependence, then we grow to independence, and only then can we have interdependence, which is the healthiest base for any relationship.

Embrace the deep feelings you're having and let them fuel a transformation into your next evolution.

 

[logicallefty]

OP, you are right. we as men ultimately are supposed to be working towards being strong. But we are also human. Any human with some empathy should understand your situation even if they have never directly experienced it.

Best thing to do is get out there and start dating. Online dating might be a good place to start because of the number of women you can talk to quickly. But don’t expect to meet your next girlfriend or wife there. As I like to say, think of every woman you date the same as drinking some beer for the night. It’s Entertainment. It makes you feel good right now. It’s only for tonight. Plan on finding some new beer for tomorrow. If you get a second date all the better, but don’t expect it. Then you won’t be disappointed.

I was with my first wife for 12 years, so close to your 13. I didn’t have the second heartbreak right after like you did. But what I did do was start dating right away. I had my first date like two weeks after she left me. Also tried some new experiences for the first time had hooked back up with some old friends. This coworker of mine couldn’t believe how much of a Simp I was. I was bad. Really bad. So he introduced me to this site called Sosuave.

You will be fine. It will take some time but you will get there.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Once you heal, I hope I'm never in female competition with you. You may not see it now, but man.... you really do have your sh!t together.

It's been very long ago since I felt pain that you described, but I haven't forgotten. Hopefully, you haven't been to this depth, but there was a time that I preferred the ghost (memory of an ex) rather than meeting someone new. This was so long ago that it almost seems like it happened to someone else, but I've been there.

The reason that I mentioned you having it together is because you are taking full ownership (you're going to heal quicker than you think). I'd say that over 90% of the forum members here will dress up their bad circumstance. Perhaps this is partly due to avoid getting flack from other members (not wising to appear 'weak') but I also think it's also a result of being self-delusional. It seems like you are stripping things away and wanting to get to the raw truth. You'll find it my friend.

I partly agree with logicallefty about dipping your toe in the personals. It's a good way to move forward. However, there is also a potential downside. Let's say that you chat with someone that looks promising. If she flakes or the date goes flat, there's the chance that this will inadvertently compound your your feelings for the ex - ie; " bad experiences = no one compares to your ex." As logicallefty said, think of it as "beer" or look at it as "this is a practice date and it's not supposed to be anything else." If something good occurs, then consider it as an unexpected bonus.

Getting over an intense failed relationship can sort of be like mourning a death. For some reason, we soon forget the bad characteristics of someone and only remember the good. With relationships, it can actually be double intense. In a lot of cases, we can also forget our positive contributions and only remember our negatives. It can really sometimes feel like being in the Twilight Zone.

After healing from a bad relationship, I started to experience those feelings again (with someone new) about nine years later. This time, I was better prepared. In my car, I carried a pocket cassette recorder (yes, I'm old and this was quite a while ago). Each time I recalled a negative trait of this (then) recent ex, I recorded this on tape. I did this every time a new less-than-positive thought came to mind. I think that most phones have a "voice record" option and so, I'd suggest putting it to use. Then... any time that you feel a pang, replay those messages. This will not only clear your head, but offer a more balanced perspective. In addition, it will also help to neutralize any unexpected sadness.

I don't plan to spend as much time actively posting as in the past. You'll likely find the answers you need from other forum members. However, if you want to reach out, you're welcome to send a PM.

 

[The Duke]

The remnants of my first serious relationship(almost 15yrs) lingered for a few years after our divorce. It even effected my relationships with other girls. But with each new girl, I thought less and less about my exwife and stopped comparing new girls to her.

What I finally learned was women aren't all that special and dont take that as me being jaded. The only woman that is special is your mother. That's the reality of what I learned from experiencing many. When you stop putting women on pedestals(thinking they are special) you see things much clearer, make better choices, and are mentally healthier.

Life goes on without the last one. The next one will be different, she can be great too... or bad! Its a chance for new memories and experiences. Make good choices when it comes to picking women you let into your life, and enjoy every one of them for what they are. Some will stay for a night, some might stay a few years or more.

 

[Dragonfly]

Having sexual relationships is a potent experience in all aspects, even one night stands.

Some people behave as if they have sex with a women and feel no lasting bond whatsoever, they would be lying. Sex is basically the most potent experience we can have, stronger than any drug.

At any rate, it is best to get back on with a new relationship as soon as you can.