The official Borderline Personality Disorder thread [Merged]

[Blue Phoenix]

In summary,two quotes which fit -
" Never go to be with someone who is crazier that you." Kris Kristofferson.
" If you play with plutonium, expect contamination." Uncle Bernie.

The second one is obvious but people forget it. It´s interesting to see what´s going on on the other side.

http://theborderlineexperience.com/2010/02/borderline-personality-disorder/ http://theborderlineexperience.com/2010/05/alone/

"I feel like a revolving door. People constantly come into my life, but they never hang around much. I’ve never had a consistent friend and right now I don’t even have a friend at all. I am invisible to the world and even to myself. I cling to others in hope they can save me from myself and from the loneliness I feel in my body, in my blood, in my soul. I need others to be a distraction from my loneliness and pain.

Which leads to>>>>

"My problem now, above all others, is that I am never able to say no to a man who wants me. If he is interested I am too, and I will have an affair with him. The affairs are usually brief and intense, going from acquaintances to lovers who cannot exist without the other in a matter of days. They always end in a firey ball of chaos, with hate on both sides after the affair. I feel helpless to stop myself, because even if I try I cant stop. It makes me feel good, and while sitting here with my boyfriend right next to me I can say I dont want to do it again, but in the moment I want nothing else."

Are you sure you want to be her BF? Think again! DOes she have many male friends? Ops!!!

Around others I can feel normal. I can forget for awhile. Why? Why am I so afraid? I have no self. I have no identity. I can’t define myself because I don’t know who I am. Defining and experiencing myself through others gives me some sense of an identity. When they leave, the pieces fall apart, the mask wears away and I’m left trying to pick myself up again."

Despite all these red flags don´t delude yourself. They can hide some of these things and be extremely seductive, albeit for a short time. Bible_belt nailed it on the head >>>

She has a whirlwind romance that lasts about one weekend and makes the guy fall in eternal love with her....and then putting the guy on the shelf and keeping him there. She'll give him a minimal amount of contact and encouragement, enough to torture his emotions and keep him wanting her back. You have to decide what you want. I am not going to tell you to break up with her; I just want you to make an informed choice. Unfortunately, if you are the man who loves them, usually you will be the one on the receiving end of the abandonment.

"BPDs can lie and manipulate extremely well, they appear to use their weaknesses to manipulate. Dr. C. George Boeree commented on his website, "They pull you towards them, then push you away, then pull you back. They pit one friend against another. They dramatize situations to their own ends. They move, chameleon-like, from one "personality" to another. If you have been made to feel as if though a chain has been placed around your neck, then there might be a more serious problem at hand called Relational Dependency. Simply put, RD is part of an overall process by which an individual develops an unhealthy attachment to his or her relationship. This means that for some people, there is a misguided need to be romantically involved with another in order to experience self-validation. What's more, RD people subconsciously believe that by using controlling, manipulative behaviors, they can somehow trap love.

Most women with BPD/NPD are highly conscious of the value in seductiveness where it concerns controlling a man. The sad part is, this value is also a ”yardstick” by which they measure themselves. It´s common knowledge that women typically control the frequency of sex in most interpersonal relationships. The difference with a NPD/BPD is that not only will they control the frequency, they will control the intimacy as well. Their arrogance and ego coupled with the emotional and sexual prowess will have you eating from their hand. You will relinquish your dignity, your pride, and you will submit to their every desire. If you do not comply, she will simply make you suffer until you eventually submit. When you do conform, she will continue to gain more control over you by the continued abuse. These conditioned and/or conscious acts will only get worse as you the man try harder to please her or make the relationship work. They are more concerned with mechanics of the relationship, i.e., if I push this button, he will react this way, if I jerk his chain this way, he will react that way, etc. You were the emotional punching bag, the mouth for adulation and compliments, and you were the penis for her orgasm sake...

Relational Dependency: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=178
The Female Tormentor: http://abusemenot.wordpress.com/2009/07/28/npdbpd-the-female-tormentor/
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=725659 http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=329041&highlight=bpd+cheater&page=2
Pics included: http://charactertherapist.blogspot.com/2009/11/t3-borderline-personality-disorder.html

 

[The Proof]

I know i'm beating a dead horse by adding to this thread but the horse is dead already so it doesn't matter ha.

HOLY FREAKING WOOOOOOOOOOOW. I'm no doctor, but my future ex wife (in the beginning stages of divorcing her now) fits every single characteristic trait/habit/tendency mentioned in the thread. I'll keep the story short, but thanks to everyone who shared their input and experiences on this subject. It has really helped me in the healing process to understand how someone you thought was so amazing can turn into someone you despise.

If anyone wants to discuss the details with me they can, it helps to talk about these things I think. The villain in my story did everything the same as everyone else’s villain in their story. It’s so freaky that they all act the same, made the hair on my arms stand up reading this thread.

I 100% agree with one of the OP 14 pages ago that talking about what happened just gives her power and energy again. But you need talk about it, read about it, ignore it, live with it, and survive with it to be able to heal (as much as possible) from it. It gets easier to deal with as each day passes. I think I kinda got away lucky that I don’t have kids with this girl, although she was trying hard to convince to go for it after the first time she cheated on me and came back.

My advice for anyone who went through this is to turn this negative into a positive. Turn your weakness into a strength. Yeah I got f’d over pretty good, but since then I have quit smoking and put on 15lbs of muscle. I have educated the cr@p out of myself on these PUA/sociology/psychology subjects. It has helped immensely with my career just by being able to display confidence and all the other little techniques we talk about on the boards. I’m staying away from women for now, I want to permanently get this girl out of my life (divorce/sell the house) before I think about getting involved with anyone else. I am 100% focused on myself and my own healing process. I turned my weakness into a strength.

Thanks again guys.

 

[catman]

If you have read all those previous posts on bpd and you still want to persue a woman who you suspect as bpd or a cluster bomb???You should seriously take agood look at your own mental state and decide why you would want to do this to yourself? I myself have dated 3 in the last 2 years and they will set you back any where from a month to year or more depending on how easy is it for you to walk away from toxic realionships!! I have vast experence dateing these types and have made an appointment with a shrink to get an evaluation on weather i myself suffer from NPD?? I have alot of symptoms of NPD and im thinking i always have cause the girl who i lost my virginty to at age 13 is beyond a shadow of a dought bpd:crazy: You want to know the strange thing is she still calls me and texts me to this day?? So 28 years later we still have contact and i even went to vist her last summer after we both got divorced and even dated other people in the mean time wtf?? They are like a drug that u cant quit taking and always remember the good as opposed to the bad times!! Im a recovering alcoholic and i found it actually easyier to quit drinking than walk away from them??? These people have warned you and i have warned you do not and i mean do not form any kind of an emotional attachment to these types!! YOU WILL REGRET IT AND QUESTION YOUR OWN SANITY I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!!!!!! READ MY SIG ON THE BOTTOM OF MY POSTS AND PRACTICE IT PLEASE!!

 

[jophil28]

When all of this is summed up, I believe there is a high probability that Becca is BPD or some mixture of traits that puts her squarely in the Cluster B category.

Perhaps she is pers. disordered, and perhaps not so much, but your spidey senses are tingling, no ?
Yet you are willing to embark on this adventure (or misadventure) even armed with all of your knowledge and wisdom.
Pvssy power at it's finest ?

Here is the warning bell, "Becca has a hard time compromising with guys."
I kind of enjoy posting my "womanspeek translations" but that one is self explanatory.

Good luck Danger, as the good book advises when we are confronted with evil, "Put on the suit of armor".

 

[jophil28]

I truly believe the advantage is mine. Hopefully that belief does not cost me.

Hopefully you can "manage" your emotional connection with her.
You know as well as I do that BPD women have an uncanny skill at getting under your skin . If that happens, your plan to pull Eject at 90 days may not happen.
Hyper vigilance and self control is the plan here.

Good hunting, Danger.

 

[Die Hard]

I hope you'll come out of it alive . I can only speak for myself, but it's not impossible to deal with BPD's. So if you think you can handle her, go ahead, I'm eager to see your 'field reports'!

I just want to give you one little advice. Even if you can handle her emotionally and stay safe emotionally, BPD's can f*ck you up in other ways... I mean things like ordering stuff online and fill in your address or sending you emails with viruses, contacting people at your work and spread lies about you etc. etc. Be careful...

 

[SexyMofo]

Let’s explore the women that cause all these bad breakups. I bet 9 out 10 times, this girl is a crazy b*tch. More likely than not, she has a personality disorder. More specifically a cluster B disorder. There are 4 types: anti-social, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic. Now since we are talking about women, we can leave out anti-social and narcissistic disorders since men mostly comprise these groups. In fact, I’m sure many players have traits of the narcissist.

That leaves us with the borderline and histrionic disorders. These disorders are far more common in women, and so they are the crazy b*tches I am talking about.

http://theasianlover.com/2010/08/09/dealing-with-crazy-women/

 

[Darth]

My ex-girlfriend is a pain in the ***. This is getting ridiculous. She called me 15 times in one day. She called me multiple times yesterday and left blank voicemails on my phone.

Finally last night she called me from an unidentified number and I picked up. She started talking as fast as she could.

I said, "Do you want me to change my phone number? PLEASE. Stop calling me."

"I will, just as soon as..."

Click.

I am 99% sure this girl is Borderline. I remember her talking about feeling an empty feeling in her stomach all the time, and she was dishonest and manipulative. I am really glad I broke up with this one.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

A heavy suit of armor indeed. Yes, they are a tingling.
I won the battle against my previous BPD girl. And I don't mean win by walking away. I fvcking hurt her. She lost and she knows it. I truly believe the advantage is mine. Hopefully that belief does not cost me.

You´re right! I just saw something in a book, and guess what? This forum is right on.

Arleen’s self-esteem is directly related to maintaining a relationship with a man who she feels desires her. She is valuable only if a man values her. And the only admissible evidence is wanting to be with her. Yet, for the borderline, there is no happy medium. The lover will either be perceived as being around too much and therefore controlling and manipulative, or he is experienced as not being involved enough and therefore uncaring and abandoning. She disdains him for being too easily controlled and is enraged if he tries to dominate her. Thus the borderline becomes threatened if she feels she is not in control of the relationship.

Often, the result of this struggle is a series of frustrating romantic relationships—for both partners. Anticipating the end of a liaison, the borderline instinctively reaches out for the next, traversing relationships as if swinging, Tarzan-like, from vine to vine. Frightened by her fading relationship with Greg, Arleen embarks on an affair with her boss; later, sensing that this liaison, too, might be over, she is on the lookout for a new one. For Arleen, sexual intimacy is primarily a survival instinct, a way to preserve her identity when confronted with emptiness. It is important to understand that these abandonment fears cannot easily be more than temporarily assuaged. No matter how much reassurance and time are spent, an individual cannot independently exorcise the borderline’s anxieties.

*Book: Sometimes I Act Crazy

 

[jophil28]

Yep, another article that surely rings true with those of us who have had the misfortune of tangling with one of those critters.
"Lying and Cheating" is like shopping at the mall to a BPD women.
It is an essential part in a BPD woman's atrocious behavior .

 

[TheSomberlain]

Does this sound like a cluster B?

Hello all,

I'm new here and I've been reading this thread for the past couple of days as I suspect my ex to be a Borderline. I read some people are skeptical about how many people could say that they have dated a cluster B, so I'll put the issues down. I know that all of you are probably not psychiatrists but have any of you that say you experienced a borderline come across these traits?


Ex’s issues:
Substance abuse--drinking and smoking in early teens (earliest known is at least 14)
Pathological liar (from her age to prices of items to infidelity)
Quick rebound relationship with less desirable partner (went from me who is getting a Master’s degree and has a family that treated her like gold to an uneducated guy with a kid)
Frequent changing of friends and social groups
Mirroring (my likes were her likes, my INTJ quirks were mirrored, INTJ's are RARE...especially female INTJ's...this threw me)
Black and White thinking (statement were either “I love you” or “you hate me”)
Projection (called me “needy”, “emotionally unavailable”—contradictory)
Infidelity (“he’s just a friend” “He has a kid” “He’s just there when I hang out with his sister”)
Narcissism
Anxiety disorder (frequent panic attacks)
Chronic feelings of emptiness (quoted “I feel nothing” “I just feel empty inside”)
Dissociation (after break up mentioned crying for a couple days and then feelings evaporated out of thin air—quoted “idk I was upset for a few days and idk it just stopped”—this is after a 5 year relationship…)
Temper tantrums or raging (would run away to another room at the slightest indiscretions/has thrown punches and connected)
Persistent baby talk
Self-loathing, very low self-esteem, extremely insecure (let go of my hand and ran away and cried when a girl from class waved to me)
Very impulsive and accident prone (fell off of a ski lift, frequent car accidents, falls down the stairs, etc.)
Lack of remorse (never apologized for any wrong doings)
Mishandled money (i.e. bought me lavish gifts when I told her not to)
Extremely needy and clingy
Played the victim constantly or guilt tripping (anything wrong in the relationship was my fault)
Extreme irrational jealousy (as an example-- she hated a gay black friend that I talked to on AIM but never met in person nor talked to on the phone)
Stalking (hacked my AIM and my E-mail)
Fear of abandonment (“please don’t ever leave me” “I don’t know what I’d do if you left” cried if I hung up during an argument)
Suicide attempts and ideation (drank bleach, tried to OD on pills)
Hoovering had brother contact me after two months of NC to tell me she broke her neck in a car accident—she was out of the hospital in a few days and began school. A severe neck injury would at least incur months of physical therapy.

Ex's Background:
Father was murdered before she was born
Maternal grandfather paid to have her biological father killed (crazy runs in both maternal grandparents)
Was molested by uncle multiple times at the age of 5 or 6
Maternal grandmother had psychological issues (i.e. she would steal bottles from peoples’ houses)
Mother DEFINITELY had psychological issues
Abused by mother throughout entire life (and have witnessed it)
Mother and step father clearly favorited her younger brother

Mother’s issues if one wants to argue genetics:
Infidelity
Fear of abandonment
Pathological lying
Projection (would try on ex’s clothes and call her fat if they didn’t fit her)
Extreme narcissism
Extreme paranoia
Rages

So what do you think? Borderline? Keep in mind, I was in my late teens when I met her so I thought this was typical female bullsh!t as she was wonderful in the beginning and I never kept a relationship going very long prior to this one... Now my view on women is warped :crazy:

 

[romangod]

So what do you think? Borderline? Keep in mind, I was in my late teens when I met her so I thought this was typical female bullsh!t as she was wonderful in the beginning and I never kept a relationship going very long prior to this one... Now my view on women is warped :crazy:

If that list is accurate, I wouldn't call her Borderline. I'd call her a full blown whack job in need of extensive therapy.


I'd suggest you run for your life. Nothing good can come from any connection to her. You're playing with a deadly toxin.


Cheers!

 

[5string]

Somber

Is she uber feminine, good looking and/or hypersexual?

The biggest question.....Is she truly your ex? Are you done with her?

Sounds like you have studied the DX.

 

[TheSomberlain]

Somber

Is she uber feminine, good looking and/or hypersexual?

The biggest question.....Is she truly your ex? Are you done with her?

Sounds like you have studied the DX.

Yes. She has a very curvy body, knew how to do her makeup, wore very feminine clothes to accent her curves, etc. She would do anything sexually I wanted. She never used condoms but the pill instead.

I have studied it and that's why I gave examples of each symptom to give it legitimacy. Even went as far to include her childhood background to set the stage. I have read posts on this thread that are skeptical if the ex in question from different posters is indeed a cluster B. She is undiagnosed and I haven't received any third party opinions on the matter. Confirmation from others goes a long way when trying to figure out wtf happened. She didn't give me much closure.

To answer the big question: YES. I am done with her. I laid into after she tried to hoover me after 2 months of NC (while she is with another guy). I said a bunch of fked up things to her because I got so fed up with the lies, the drama, and her trying to play me. She held grudges for the tiniest things in the relationship. But the things I said to her were beyond tiny and unforgivable even in a whack job's eyes (I won't repeat them here). NC has resumed. And yes, it is INCREDIBLY difficult to get over such a relationship. I've never drank continuously until now--and I used to play in a metal band...

Romangod-- The list is real. That is why I put examples next to each symptom. And even those can be elaborated to include more.

 

[5string]

Somber

That's what I thought. Your description tips the scales toward BPD but I hate to toss the label around carelessly. Irrespective, whatever is going on in her head is probably comorbid anyway.

She messed you up. The important thing is that you are done with her. Now you have the knowledge to move on to other women and you will be aware of PD warning signs. Some guys are not so lucky.

You seem to be dwelling upon this despite the fact it's over. That's what concerns me. It's still banging around between your ears. Try to let it go brother. PM me if you need an ear.

 

[TheSomberlain]

Somber

That's what I thought. Your description tips the scales toward BPD but I hate to toss the label around carelessly. Irrespective, whatever is going on in her head is probably comorbid anyway.

She messed you up. The important thing is that you are done with her. Now you have the knowledge to move with other women and you will be aware of PD warning signs. Some guys are not so lucky.

You seem to be dwelling upon this despite the fact it's over. That's what concerns me. It's still banging around between your ears. Try to let it go brother. PM me if you need an ear.

I agree with your apprehensive approach to labeling people because it is so easy to do. That is why I wanted second opinions because I am quite a skeptic (and maybe a bit in denial). Given her childhood background, her genetic predisposition on her maternal side, and her actual behavior--it would be hard for her to dodge the crazy bullet. Know what I mean?

Borderline or not, something is not right upstairs. I know that much. I just happened to run across the checklist for BPD one day and thought..."holy sh!t, there's a name for this?" But there's always that tinge of skepticism and denial that sits in the back of your head. No one wants to admit that their 5 year relationship was a sham. No one likes to admit they fell in love with smoke and mirrors.

You're right, though. I am dwelling on it. I'm not going to lie. She was physically everything I wanted and she treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread for most of our relationship (put me on the pedestal as they say) but as she got older, she seemed to get worse with the symptoms. I feel scammed, honestly. But I hear that's the normal reaction after these relationships have faltered.

-The Somberlain

 

[5string]

Somber...check email.

 

[TheSomberlain]

BPDs ending relationships

That hoover tactic is SOP for BPD chicas.

To the uninitiated , it is easily confused with the ditzy 'push/pull' that some 'normal' woman do.
However,the BPD version is a vicious manipulative power game. Its purpose is to impale you on an emotional torture stake of her creation. She wants to see you squirm in pain and absolute confusion while she smirkes in her perceived victory.
That is their trip toward the end of your relationship with her. She MUST wound you and then discard the carcass. BPDs do not just leave relationships, they attempt to annihilate their hostage.
She needs to assert absolute control and then discard you in pain, and some do it several times over.

I think that is their way of removing any feeling that they were abandoned by you. Abandonment IS their most feared dragon. By crushing you emotionally, they kill the dragon.

This is absolutely right. They can't end a relationship and they will gleefully talk about your replacement if you happen to make contact with them again--and they get replacements INSTANTLY. I've found out that social status, looks, etc. does not matter for their replacements and they typically down grade to something more controllable. This happened in my case and I can go into details if need be.

My ex could NOT break up with me. She would scream into the phone "just leave me then if you hate me so much!" if we got into arguments.

Here is something even more ridiculous to emphasize this. She began ignoring my text messages one day toward the end of the relationship, probably because she was hooking in my replacement. She eventually texted me and I played the game back and ignored it. During this time, she had a gift from me arriving to her house for her birthday. After awhile she contacted me and I was pissed and told her that she could at least thank me for the gift. She said...and get this....she said "I LEFT HER." I didn't even say anything about breaking up to her!!! I was completely dumbfounded.

She was two-faced as hell too. She would make fun of one person behind their back and suck up to them when she was around them. She'd make fun of a vegan friend behind her back but then turn around and borrow PETA books from her. That type of spineless behavior disgusted me but that's how they operate. Chameleons they are.

 

[TheSomberlain]

Ugh, how AWKWARD is this situation? She ignored me for 4 days and then texts me "hello stranger" lol. I'm not in a relationship but I do have a HPD FWB and whenever I commit to anything a week or more in the future it seems like she starts her devaluing cycle. I have to see her this Friday(in a public place full of male orbiters) and I'm DREADING it because I know she is really not interested in seeing me.

Dude, the whole relationship just got more awkward and bizarre as time went on. I'm still suffering 6 months later and I've had a stable mind my entire life. I don't know if it's because she was getting worse with age plus the added stress of college (I read stress exacerbates it), but I think the longer you're in their life, the more erratic their behavior becomes. I'm starting to notice the cycles like you mentioned because when she devalues her new BF she tries to hoover me in some way. But then, me being a prideful SOB, I say something nasty to her and she then all of a sudden puts her new BF on the pedestal and throws me under the bus LOL. It's sick and entertaining at the same time. I've since put up a solid fortress though.

I'd be afraid to have a cluster B as FWB. I read one guy got AIDS from his BPD wife. I don't need a death sentence on top of the head trips.

 

[jophil28]

when she devalues her new BF she tries to hoover me in some way. But then, me being a prideful SOB, I say something nasty to her and she then all of a sudden puts her new BF on the pedestal and throws me under the bus LOL. It's sick and entertaining at the same time.

Why do you maintain contact with that creature ?
IF I had a tumor cut out I doubt that I would want to keep it in a glass jar.