The Merits of One Partner

[latebacon]

I've had an interesting discussion (not with a chick) that I believe makes some sense in a man being with one woman.

I've never been a settler and have dated/f*cked multiple girls at the one time, none of whom I've seen as a long term/settle down prospect and have found them all exhausting at different stages.

The person I had this discussion with believed that because you are always hiding or protecting part of your being or life from that person, you are always on your guard and continually find it tiring being because you can never be yourself.

The solution suggested was that you concentrate on one girl you truly see as a long term prospect and shun everybody else so that then you can give your whole self to them.

I can see the sense in that from the giving yourself fully/positive energy perspective except it flies in the face of the have many/experience many theory so you don't get oneitis and you know who is quality for an LTR.

What do you guys think?

 

[dietzcoi]

I think your discussion partner is just stating the typical female opinion about what is "best" for men, which just means it is best for women!! Did he get this directly from the Oprah show?

Why do you listen to an AFC's opinion?

Dietzcoi

 

[latebacon]

Because there is some sense in it. Women drain your energy when you are f*cking them but stopping them getting too close because they are always trying to grab more and more of your being and time.

Sure I can tell women to go away; I've got no problem with that.

The thing that I find incongruous is that the being with one flies in the face of the sensible advice on this forum that you should have many to stopdesperation.

 

[Latinoman]

It is okay to be with one woman. It is okay if you are tired of having several and want to take a break. Of if you found one that you find worth of a committed relationship. Or if you only want to have one.


However, your friend does sound like a woman. He is making the woman sound like the Prize. The one that you should "give yourself fully"? I would not be surprised he has issues finding SEVERAL women. LOL.

Listen...when you "price" a woman ABOVE you (e.g. "she is out of my league", etc.)...then you are in trouble. Why? Because no woman should be above you. Making a woman "out of your league" is literally saying that there are other men ABOVE you and she should be with those men.

How that relates to this situation? If you reach a level in which you feel like the "prize"...then your mentallity would be: "I want one woman that is worthy of having me and consequently I will have her in a committed relationship."

 

[Latinoman]

The thing that I find incongruous is that the being with one flies in the face of the sensible advice on this forum that you should have many to stop desperation.

You don't have to have many to stop desperation. That's not the advice here.

The advice is that when you START dating one...make sure you have other plates spinning. Especially if you are NOT in a committed relationship or if you are the type of person that cannot avoid Oneitis in the event a woman disrespect you or put you in an emotional rollercoaster of drama.

Now...if one of them is what you deam a woman that is special, then by all means...go ahead and be in a committed relationship.

Furthermore, if you feel that having several is tiredsome (I personally find it that way too) due to the drama, etc. and you rather focus your efforts on your health/fitness/career/etc., then by all means, get involve with one.

In YOUR case, it is a conscious decision, and truthfully, I don't find it desperate. As long as you don't jeopardize your self-respect as to allow that one woman to disrespect you...then you are alright. In another words, as long as you can feel free to walk away...then you are alright.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

LATEBACON, this is an interesting, though entirely AFC, point of view. I about cringe everytime I read the phrase "be yourself" in any post. Not because I think there's anything wrong with a desire to be comfortable in ones ways and personality, but that it's such a misused reference and generally it's an admission of ignorance or an excuse to be less than what one would like to be. The fact of the matter is that personality is not static, it changes and it does so often and easily, so who's to say what is 'being yourself' and what's not? You do. You decide what your personality will be and what it wont. Self love is not so great a sin as self-neglect and part of that self-love includes being protective of what you have learned and earned in life with regards to your own personal situation. What you find tiring isn't an inability to be yourself (you're already doing that), but an innability to selectively connect with someone who can appreciate it.

So, thus far you've had the touchy-feely, AFC, "it's your fault for not opening up" feminine positive argument for your present situation. Now read the pragmatic counter-argument for this:

Plate Theory

 

[WestCoaster]

While I truly believe an enriching marriage (as rare as they may be) is an excellent state to be in, the pathway to this long term relationship cannot be found by buying the first one or keeping the "only one."

Click on plate theory.

In my AFC days, I clung to the theory of the "one" and thought you just found one and bingo, you're set. Actually, many of my friends who married "the one" are now miserable; some aren't.

Like anything in life, you have to test-drive or choose many items from the menu before deciding what's best. Is it wrong to equate a woman with a car or a food item? Perhaps, but in theory it's not.

There is no way on earth you could know what you value in a partner if you've not gone out and discovered the hard way what you DON'T want in a partner.

Some of my trashy ex-gf's taught me what I DON'T want in a partner, i.e., meanness, unfaithfulness, lack of education, lack of class ... yep, I dated some real winners in the past. But they did give me lessons of life ... interestingly, I thought each one was THE ONE.

Wrong.

True, being in a committed, trusting relationship is excellent, but the path to getting there is a long, arduous one, filled with good and bad relationships, breakups, successes, heartbreaks, anger, love, excitement, depression, etc. If you're not going through all those things with multiple women, there's a good chance you don't know what you want in a woman.

I contend there's no way you know what you want in a woman until you've dated many and had these successes as well as heartbreaks along the way.

 

[ElChoclo]

LateBacon have you had any significant LTR with any of the women whom you have sampled? If not, then I suggest you try one. But just because you have an LTR doesn't mean you can't have more than one, or some short term ones.

Having one woman is a bit like having one set of clothes. Even the best outfit may not be suitable for all occasions.

 

[joekerr31]

does money matter? yes and no.

when you have no money it matters a lot. then you spend years accumulating it. if you're lucky you get enough of it socked away that you realize it doesn't matter any more now. now you turn your attention to other matters in life. you're dough sits in some financial portfolio making you money while you get on with the business of living a free-er more enjoyable life.

chics are no different.

one chic or many? both.

when you don't have any chics you want one. you finally get one and typically the first is serious oneitis and you get burned (this is the equivalent of being poor). with a calloused skin you now shelter your emotions more, you may f*ck a lot of women without actually being "with" them (this is the equivalent ot having a lot of money). have banked your conquests you realize that you "happiness" level is tapped out - you can f*ck 10,000,000 more chics and it won't make you any happier. This is usually the point when you mature, know who you are, what you want, and that to move on to the more enjoyable things in life you may want to forget about f*cking as many women as you (ie. lever your conquests in the memory bank, so to speak) and focus on building sustainable growth with one woman.

people like to see the world as black and white. I tend not to.

life is a process of change. I think a lot of people in the world live their lives looking at the glass as half full. All women are nuts, love and that soul mate crap are for ophra and sissies. Be a man, dominate the women in your life, screw 10 at a time, etc.

personally, i dont care about right and wrong all in all. the point of life is to grow, with the end goal of growth being a more enjoyable, happy, fulfilled and valued life.

is one woman enough? you bet ya.
is it easy to find that one woman? nope.
will you find her? if you're open to that possibility you probably will.

everyone is different. I see a LOT, and boy do i mean A LOT, of people who SHOULDN't get married. they aren't done maturing enough yet, nor is their partner. 90% of marriages I'd say fall in this group.

i truly believe that when you hit a certain point in growth and maturity things fall into place.

it's unfortunate however that most people don't have the determination to continuing growing in life. Put differently, they simply keep blowing all their cash and get stuck in a stage where money is always a focus. So many people get stuck in that stage of continually needing to screw woman after woman to feel satisfied - never realizing that completeness they are looking for in all these encounters must first be reached within themselves.

a committed, trusting, honest, open relationship with someone who shares similar values and beliefs to yourself is amazing. but i can tell you though, the only way to find a woman who can bring those thigns to your life, is to have them in your life (in yourself) already. become what you are seeking and you will be able to find it fairly easily.

anyway, kind of a ramble response on my part hehe.

i guess the end conclusion is that there is no one right answer that you can apply to the entirety of your life. different stages have different rules.

one chic can be enough - just depends whether your at that stage and whether the right one comes along.

 

[latebacon]

"How that relates to this situation? If you reach a level in which you feel like the "prize"...then your mentallity would be: "I want one woman that is worthy of having me and consequently I will have her in a committed relationship."

Good point Latinoman. I think I'm in the process of getting to that point. I believe I can get HB's that I like but at times maybe not the ones I really want. There's maybe a tiny bit of self doubt in me still that I need to kill.

"The advice is that when you START dating one...make sure you have other plates spinning. Especially if you are NOT in a committed relationship or if you are the type of person that cannot avoid Oneitis in the event a woman disrespect you or put you in an emotional rollercoaster of drama."

Have been doing that on and off for the last three years.

"In YOUR case, it is a conscious decision, and truthfully, I don't find it desperate. As long as you don't jeopardize your self-respect as to allow that one woman to disrespect you...then you are alright. In another words, as long as you can feel free to walk away...then you are alright."

Good advice again and that is what I practice. I can always walk away.

I about cringe everytime I read the phrase "be yourself" in any post.

Sorry Rollo should have said commit fully.

What you find tiring isn't an inability to be yourself (you're already doing that), but an innability to selectively connect with someone who can appreciate it.

Correct.

So, thus far you've had the touchy-feely, AFC, "it's your fault for not opening up" feminine positive argument for your present situation.

I am aware of the other argument which I had fully subscribed to; this just made me reassess as I felt there was some merit in it.

"True, being in a committed, trusting relationship is excellent, but the path to getting there is a long, arduous one, filled with good and bad relationships, breakups, successes, heartbreaks, anger, love, excitement, depression, etc. If you're not going through all those things with multiple women, there's a good chance you don't know what you want in a woman.I contend there's no way you know what you want in a woman until you've dated many and had these successes as well as heartbreaks along the way."

Agree Westcoaster. I have dated/f*cked what some would consider many and what others would consider not many. I think I'm of medium experience. I've had about 60 women.

LateBacon have you had any significant LTR with any of the women whom you have sampled?

No ElChoco. 6 months is about as long as I go and then in my AFC days I'd get too desperate to hang on and drive them away. I don't think I'd ever do that now but generally on LTR's I speak from an inexperienced viewpoint.

"with a calloused skin you now shelter your emotions more, you may f*ck a lot of women without actually being "with" them (this is the equivalent ot having a lot of money). have banked your conquests you realize that you "happiness" level is tapped out - you can f*ck 10,000,000 more chics and it won't make you any happier. This is usually the point when you mature, know who you are, what you want, and that to move on to the more enjoyable things in life you may want to forget about f*cking as many women as you (ie. lever your conquests in the memory bank, so to speak) and focus on building sustainable growth with one woman."

Agree Jokerr and that has been me although I have my passions and am working well towards my dreams but of course it would be good to have somebody who'd like to come along for the ride with me so to speak.

"personally, i dont care about right and wrong all in all. the point of life is to grow, with the end goal of growth being a more enjoyable, happy, fulfilled and valued life."

Agree again. That's what we're all here for I think.

That's all good food for thought. As I said I don't necessarily subscribe to my acquaintance's (not friend) viewpoint but I thought it is worth considering and everybody here in general have give good, balanced answers.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

"The advice is that when you START dating one...make sure you have other plates spinning. Especially if you are NOT in a committed relationship or if you are the type of person that cannot avoid Oneitis in the event a woman disrespect you or put you in an emotional rollercoaster of drama."

Have been doing that on and off for the last three years.

LATEBACON, three years is a blink of an eye compared to a lifetime with one woman. People like to say life is short, but life is looong; far too long to while it away with a woman who'll never fully appreciate the sacrifices a man makes in order to commit to her in marriage. Come back here in 6 years after spinning as many plates as you can and it still wont be long enough to start a thread about it.

 

[ElChoclo]

If you lasted 6 months maximum it probably isn't long enough. It could be draining for you but I suggest that you get two GFs for 1 to 2 years at least. You will find that certain women are stable in the long term, some in the medium, many for only a short time.

Identifying them is difficult, so that is another reason why you need more than one to start with.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

As I said in a book I wrote a few years ago, "People look for reasons NOT to date you".

Women are FLAKY as hell. They can be merciless. They are ALWAYS evaluating a man's character and behavior with extreme scrutiny----especially at the beginning of a relationship.

This is why people like Doc Love preach that unless you have experienced consistently high interest and good behavior from a woman for 2 to 3 months or at least 10 strong dates, you have NOTHING.

Why? Because you don't have enough information.

To me, this is perhaps THE most valid reason to date so many women at once. It keeps your options open as the women you meet invariably FLAKE in and out of your life. AND it keeps your heart protected by default due to the fact that you are managing to keep your OWN interests divided.

However, if you are the kind of guy who would like to settle down happily and comfortably with one woman, then the time will come when you must choose the one that best fits your life.

And when you DO choose, I think choosing the one who is choosing YOU back the hardest is the one you should consider being exclusive with.


At least, that's MY plan anyway...




Peace...one day.

 

[( . )( . )]

So whats the case put forward?

One partner is less tiring.

*Crickets chirping*

*Tumbleweed rolls past*

Tell your friend joining the debate team is probably not a good idea.

 

[WestCoaster]

As I said in a book I wrote a few years ago, "People look for reasons NOT to date you".

Women are FLAKY as hell. They can be merciless. They are ALWAYS evaluating a man's character and behavior with extreme scrutiny----especially at the beginning of a relationship.

... And then women pick the wrong guy 9 times out of 10 anyway, that's why the divorce rate is so high.

I have no faith in the American woman's ability to make a quality evaluation on what a good man is.

They evaluate like crazy and scrutinize, but that's like some people I work with: They burn the midnight oil and still don't get anything done.

There's a difference between working harder and working smarter.

Never, ever, ever trust an American woman's ability to evaluate men. They say they want one thing and gravitate toward the opposite they say of what they want. Watch their actions, don't listen to their words.

 

[penkitten]

I've never been a settler and have dated/f*cked multiple girls at the one time, none of whom I've seen as a long term/settle down prospect and have found them all exhausting at different stages.

even if you only date one person, there are going to be times that you feel exhausted at certain stages in your relationship, AND it is sometimes overwhelming. thats why alot of people are afraid of being in long term relationships .
i say, if you wanna date five people at once, do it but tell them that you are up front. if you want to date one person only, then do that and have that talk before hand too.