The Mature DJ's first LTR

[RussDobs87]

Long-time board member here.. I forgot my password, but I've probably been here since '07 or so. Been around the block.. made the switch from full fledged AFC to a pretty good DJ (spinning 4-5 plates at a time in college, etc). I haven't had a LTR since college (3 yr relationship)

Well here I am now, 28, Vice-President of my company. Doing quite well in professional and personal life.

I was seeing 4 women at the same time (none of them serious) last year. I guess my technique is back in form, as 3 out of the 4 girls started asking me for LTRs.

And I said no to all of them except one.

Look - I'm at a place in my life where I believe a quality woman who challenges you and treats you with respect can be healthy in many regards. As much as I love being single, there's something about having something constant that's 'yours' (not to add the social benefit of everyone always asking, RUSS WHEN ARE YOU GETTING ENGAGED or RUSS WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

Anyways.. let's get straight to the point.

Of the 3 plates I was spinning, one of them is drop dead gorgeous. Probably a HB 9 with a great job, killer personality, and just all-around enjoyable to be around. She's young (22), but most of her friends are older (30-40), and seems like she's been through enough to know bullsh!t from sh!t.

We dated for 2 months and New Years morning she woke up and said 'I love you'. And hey; I'm not one to fall in love that quickly, but being older I felt as if I was ready to make my own decisions, so I said it back.

From that point on, things were going great. The sex is still unbelievable.. It's hard to count on one hand how many times I make her come each time we both hang out for a night. She's got somewhat expensive taste, but HEY, I'm successful at what I do, so I don't mind spending a LITTLE extra $$ on a quality girl. With that said, I'm aware enough to know when a girl is clearly using me. She buys me a new desk for my apartment, and she's already planning future trips for me to go visit her mom/friends in Cali.. a sign that she's clearly taking things seriously.

We've been hanging out a bit more.. maybe 2-3 times/wk. Usually it's dinner and then a sleepover of some sorts. Nothing TOO crazy.

The other night, we were supposed to meet-up and she cancels last minute. Knowing my mistakes from the past, I totally shrug it off and say 'no problemo babe, but you owe me.'

Fast-forward to last night.. we're hanging at her place and she's taking a shower. A text pops up on her phone from some dude. Now I'm not one to look through someone's messages, but with the other night in mind, I decided that it's probably better I know NOW than later.

Turns out she's been texting this guy off and on for the past few months (before we even started seeing eachother). It's clear they've had sex, but it's also clear the day after she told me she loved me, she texted him and told him that they can't have sex anymore unless he wanted to be serious with her.

Going through the texts, it looks like she's been asking him for a relationship for some time, but he's been turning it down due to the fact he may be moving in a month or so.

And then we come to the text from the other night. From what I see in her messages, it looks like after she cancelled with me, she met with him for dinner, and went home (there's a text from her, letting him know that she got home ok).

While probably not the best decision, I confront her about it when she gets out of the shower. I basically said, 'Look - I'm not going to be angry, but since you asked for a relationship, are you sure you want one? I know you went out to dinner with someone else the other night.'

Of course she got defensive, and started saying 'RUSS - We did not have sex. We went to dinner and I told him that I can't see him anymore because of you.' - Which is all and well, but it turns out there's another text from the day after that, asking him to hang out again.

So here's my dilemma - My DJ side of my brain is telling me GET OUT. Because this girl is clearly not prepared for a relationship.

On the other hand, my mature side of my brain is telling me that I've probably done this before to a woman and ended up dating her after all. Sometimes we realize what we can't have, really isn't that special after all. I've seen the other guy she's talking to.. in terms of looks, I'm definitely a better looking dude. In terms of sex.. well I can just tell you it's clear to me just from comparing my texts vs his that she's utterly obsessed with my d!ck and hasn't mentioned his once over her phone.

With that said; she's immature and wants what she can't have.

What I'm going to do is simple... stop making myself so available for this chick (stat seeing other girls in the process, like I was before), keep using her for sex, and if she comes around then it's all gravy.

But is this a girl that can be trusted? Sh!t, if I was a 22 year old DJ back on the boards I'd probably pounce on this post and say something like 'next the h0e. once a cheater always a cheater.'

But i'm 28. And I've seen h0es from college become good wives to friends of mine in real life. A part of me has to believe that this chick is just caught up in 'the grass being greenier' on the other side, and is blind to the fact that if this dude said yes to a relationship, she'd probably ditch him for me in a matter of weeks.

Anyways.. tough spot I'm in. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there's a right way to go about this without stirring the pot.

DJs.. pound away

 

[Colossus]

I think you've been hoodwinked here Russ.

Let's cover the highlights:

-22 (automatic yellow flag for LTR)
-Surreptitiously texting and SEEING another dude throughout your short relationship
-You seem to be her backup plan
-You are showing early signs of oneitis

Look, I'm sure she's hot, cool, "loves your d!ck", etc. They all are when you're into them. But your ring rust in the LTR arena is clouding your judgment. You are actually trying to talk yourself into giving this girl a second chance. And you are using the great sex as some sort of evidence of her "love" and devotion to you. That's just an immature viewpoint.

Great sex is just that, and only that. It has no predictive value on the stability or integrity of your relationship. You need to start treating sex as a stand alone thing. I had really great sex with the worst girlfriend I've ever had in my life----and I have really great sex with my soon-to-be wife. It's just a physical connection. Necessary, for sure, but not the barometer of success.

As soon as I read your girl was 22 I knew where this was going. These posts all start out the same---20-22, hot as can be, greatttttt sex, super cool, etc----but, oh dear, she's a flake, a h0r, unreliable, disloyal, or disrespectful. No boundaries, no clue what she wants.

Well imagine that. A 22 year old hottie without any mature womanly qualities.

I'm not trying to be insulting here, I think this is probably just a lesson you need to learn. Check your nuts and drop this girl. She will not go out quietly, but I can guarantee after her rejection throes are over she will run straight back into that other dude's arms. And you---hopefully---will be a much smarter DJ.

IMO any girl under 25 is not LTR material for a man who is near 30 or older. Ive seen this here so many times I cant count. Guys are seduced by their youth, beauty, and ostensible "coolness", but they all come back here baffled with threads similar to yours. This is a law of nature my friend. We dont live on farms anymore. These girls have no solid identity, no life experience, and no moral compass. They have the world at their fingertips because they are prettier than most adult women and men will literally trip over themselves to have them. She isn't "different", my man. She's just a young pretty girl. Set your sights on chicks a bit older if you want something stable. Pro tip: find that sweet spot of 25-30, never married, and no kids.

Good luck.

 

[channingtatum]

Do you really want to be her second choice? Most likely she will find another guy after this one leaves and you will continue to be her second choice. If you're not her first choice now, you never will be. It sucks, but it is what it is.

 

[Rainman4707]

Yeah, just see how it goes.

I've never looked through a womans phone though :nono:

 

[RussDobs87]

Thanks for the affirmation boys.. I dropped her today.

On another topic - I'm pretty sure she was BPD. Showed intense interest in the beginning (planning vacas, saying she'd marry me), to just being a pathological liar.

I don't text her for 12 hours and she's going nuts. I'm nice to her and she's on someone else's nuts under my nose.

How do you separate the sheer nature of a woman from what a BPD b1tch is?

Oh yeah, her dad cheated on her mom and offed himself when she was 3. Think I just answered my own ?

But seriously.. How can you know a bpd for certain?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Russ,
You dropped her?....Why?....she is only 22 and emotionally immature,why do you and many of the other guys here,condemn in others what you forgive in yourself?...You are a confessed DJ,good to have a few genuine ones around,so why did you not just taper things off,see her 2-3 times a week,spin plates and see what happens?....let things flow,human relationships have a synergy of their own,like a chemical reaction,there is almost an inevitability of outcome,why throw all the energy that goes into finding such a Good Woman and starting a relationship,go down the River?

 

[RussDobs87]

Well let's see.. I dropped her because she's most likely bpd and lied to my face twice. In my experience, trust isn't something that comes with age. If you're a liar now, you're not going to suddenly change.

And you and I both know that she's still available for sex; if I'm dumb enough to go back for it it.

I have 4-5 other plates to spin that aren't going to be mind fvcks, so I'll pursue them instead.

Thanks for your input, though.

 

[Atom Smasher]

There's a huge BPD thread floating around here somewhere. A search will bring it up. It sounds like you've already got a sense of how to identify them. The thread I mentioned goes into the symptoms very deeply.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Russ,
Sure you have options,there's value in spinning plates!...As for lying?...well in my experience anyone spinning Plates has to be a little creative with the truth!...All's fair in Love and War...So what's wrong with a Lass that likes a bit of stick?...But BPD?....I think that's a very long Bow to draw...In my estimation,she is a Don Juanita...But Russ You are a very switched on Don Juan,you should share some of your Plate spinning Skills,and they are skills,make no mistake,I have never spun five Plates...More strength to your Elbow!

 

[Malcontent]

I think Scaramouche was basically saying to just keep her as a plate, but it sounds like you've developed feelings beyond where you expect/want more from her than plate status. And that's where the problem is -- you are/were getting emotionally attached and it doesn't feel good to know that she may not be faithful -- not YOURS and yours only.

I had one of these HB9 youngsters too. I met her when she was 19, I was 32. She was probably also BPD.

Similar to the imagery that Pair presented, I started having restless nights and intense amounts of stress over this chick. I even remember one time I had become so entangled in this psychological mess and trying to decipher the truth that I was beginning to have suicidal thoughts. Where is she? Who is she texting on her phone right now? Am I worrying about something because I'm paranoid or is my gut telling me the right thing? When I could feel my mental and physical health deteriorating, I got a reality check and I dropped her.

So, good for you for catching this early on. If you have the will power to not get emotionally entangled, you may still have her as a plate. Of course if she's BPD she may decide you raped her.

 

[petegunderson]

Seriously read my thread I started yesterday. My relationship with my ex started EXACTLY like this. I was 26 and she was 20, she was drop dead gorgeous and I had a great job and a dfferent girl every week. I caught her texting her ex bf very early on in the relationship and broke it off but she sucked me back in... literally. Nedless to say I went through 2 years of hell with an immature cluster b psycho. If I could take it all back I would. You got a good thing going, save the serious sruff for someone who is trustworthy.

But for now Your fate has been sealed, if you dont respect yourself enough to drop someone who will do this behind your back, neither will she.

Proceed with caution.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Good on you for making the hard call OP.
You know in your heart of hearts that she wasn't being honest and would continue to eat away at your brain.

If she had any morals, she would've just told the guy to fvck off rather than go to dinner and then ask the next day for a meet-up.

Well done sir.

 

[speed dawg]

On another topic - I'm pretty sure she was BPD. Showed intense interest in the beginning (planning vacas, saying she'd marry me), to just being a pathological liar.

I don't text her for 12 hours and she's going nuts. I'm nice to her and she's on someone else's nuts under my nose.

How do you separate the sheer nature of a woman from what a BPD b1tch is?

I don't go too much for medical diagnoses. Bunch of BS in my opinion, like the pharmaceutical and therapy industries. I think BPD is just boy-crazy or thrill-crazy, and a tad-bit spoiled. I bet she had a little rat dog too? Funny, seems like the hotter the girl, the more they exhibit these traits. Then, add daddy issues, and that's when the craziness comes in. Not sure any medical diagnosis can cover it. They have never been held accountable for anything, and apparently love drama (although they'll tell you they absolutely hate it).

You dropped her?....Why?....she is only 22 and emotionally immature,why do you and many of the other guys here,condemn in others what you forgive in yourself?...You are a confessed DJ,good to have a few genuine ones around,so why did you not just taper things off,see her 2-3 times a week,spin plates and see what happens?....let things flow,human relationships have a synergy of their own,like a chemical reaction,there is almost an inevitability of outcome,why throw all the energy that goes into finding such a Good Woman and starting a relationship,go down the River?

That's the problem, he dropped all his other plates and got one-itis for this b*tch, WWWAAAYYY before she deserved it.