The Map and Compass

[Vulpine]

I wanted to share a personal experience of mine with the members here with the hope of someone getting a good perspective on (masculine) life from it.

I was reminded of this experience by this post:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1495669&postcount=1

"Confident Persistence vs Cutting Loss"

Hi guys,

Despite reading related articles about the topic, its still quite hard for me to decide which one to choose when the situation arises. Can experienced posters please enlighten me about this?

Thanks a lot

And this response...
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1495785&postcount=6

Cut your losses when she doesn't counter offer on date ideas. NEVER pursue that which runs from you. Time and again I had to experience this and then internalize it. It's always a lose lose scenario. Once I made the switch, it became easy.

My response was this:

NEVER pursue that which runs from you.

:yes:
Cutting loss, in the long run, IS confident persistence.

Let me give you an example of a hungry hiker. A hiker is trying to get to a destination by following his particular path. But, at the same time, this hiker is hungry.

Then, off to the side of the trail, he see's a deer just out of range of his weapon. He could run off the path and chase down that deer but that would mean he wouldn't get to his destination as quickly. He would also potentially get hurt or lost, further delaying his progress.

See, by making a poor shot and giving chase, he not only scares off other deer, but wastes time on a deer he might have missed anyway. By weighing his options and passing up that deer (cutting loss), the hungry hiker is able to make forward progress. He can be confident that, if he's passed up one, he'll see more further up the trail. He might find something else that's good to eat, too, like a moose, wild pig, or elk. By confidently persisting ahead, it's likely that he'll find (potentially bigger) prey using the very same trail that he's on, providing for an EASY shot.

Do you see what's different with my analogy?

The idea of confidently persisting ahead toward your destination, not confidently persisting with a woman, is the crucial difference. The goal and focus of your life should never be a woman, it should be on the forward progress. The only constant in your future is you.

I wanted give some background and take it a little further in terms of "personal evolution".
_________

The woods has changed my life. There's something to be said for the "healing power of nature". It was the catalyst for my evolution. See, a few years ago, I was dealing with relocation, depression, my mother's cancer, new job, a bad financial situation, and a long dry spell.

I was spending time in the woods every weekend instead of going out because I was indulging in the simplicity and tranquility [that my hobbies afforded me] that was much needed in my chaotic life.

Well, one weekend camping, I grabbed my shotgun and just struck out with no particular place in mind. Eventually, I started following game trails (paths made by animals) and meandering around enjoying the scenery. It got to be late in the afternoon and I realized that I didn't recognize where I was, at all. I wondered to myself: "Hmm. I wouldn't call this 'lost', but I sure don't have any idea where I am." So, I pulled out my map and compass.

I stood there, in the wilderness, staring at my compass, then glancing at the map for reference for a few moments when the metaphor hit me like a 200 grain hollowpoint. I sat down on the spot and cried... and cried.

My whole life I had been meandering around aimlessly "in the woods". I had a map and compass the whole time, I just never used them. Instead, I just followed "other people's paths". As you might imagine, it got me nowhere but "lost in the woods".

I'm a pretty decent "hunter", and naturally a good shot, so there wasn't ever really any problem with women, so I generally didn't go hungry for long. But, with women as the goal, I squandered a lot of time and resources. For what?

There I was, alone in the woods.

I was so hurt, so p¡ssed off at myself, so, so, disappointed in myself. I KNEW I had a lot of potential, I KNEW I was intelligent, and I KNEW that I was capable of ANYTHING. But, it never occurred to me to be anywhere in particular. It never occurred to me that the future was anything besides "tomorrow". I never had a "goal" and therefore never had any direction. It's hard to have ambition when there's no direction. My ambition was wasted on wine, women, and song. (At least I was good at THAT!)

Man, you should have seen me when I realized that I was the definition of a "loser": no direction, no goals, would never be anything else, would never accomplish anything... only just "getting along day by day".

Wow, thinking back, I never cried harder. Deaths and loss didn't even tap what my personal realizations had unleashed. I really broke down.

Sitting there, bawling like a baby b¡tch, all the lies and myths flickered in my mind like before and after images of cars before their crashes. A million visions of "what if" raced through my head. Here I was, 29 years old, what if I had figured this out when I was younger?!!! DAMMIT!

Now what? It's getting late (in my life) in the afternoon, and I need to get back to camp.

Sitting there, with tears in my eyes, I looked behind me (the past). Then, I turned back around to look ahead of me (the future). ...then I looked down and saw that map and compass. There they were, the tools I had and needed but never used before in my "life".

The tears of sorrow gave way to tears of joy. I put my finger on the map where I needed to be, checked the compass to orient the map, then looked around to determine where I was. I stood up, spun myself to face the direction I needed to go and thought: "I'm going this way." That's it, no distractions, I'm going HERE.

Needless to say, I did make it back to camp, no problem. I made a fire, took a couple rips off the peace pipe (there's a time and place for everything), cooked up some meat, and sat there drinking beers and thinking into the wee hours.

I imagined possible futures, thought about what made me happiest, and set goals. From the goals, I was able to develop a mental "map" of what steps or "way points" it would take to meet these goals. Once I had a big "X" on the map, I could see what the best course was too take, even if there wasn't a trail. After all, I had a "compass". My morals and values would guide me, and I would know now to pay attention to my direction and take notice of my surroundings in order to keep orientation and mark progress on my map.

Miles from the nearest road, I had never been happier than I was then... by myself.

A few weeks later, while doing a completely non-related google search at work, I stumbled across this site. :woo:

No woman could ever move the "X" on my map, and I haven't met one who doesn't try: Bye!
:wave:
"I'm going this way."

I "cut my losses" with my previous "loser" life, and "confidently persist" toward building my future.

NEVER pursue that which runs from you. Time and again I had to experience this and then internalize it. It's always a lose lose scenario. Once I made the switch, it became easy.

Indeed... me too.

Happy trails, guys.

 

[Night Owl]

Huh - I am lost ???

 

[The Bat]

Inspirational story, my man. Inspirational. As soon as I can rep you again, I will rep the hell out of this thread.

Although I miss your castle analogies. :rock:

EDIT: Interceptor's post about The Forced March ties well with your experience, Vulpine. I don't know if you've ever read it but give it a quick glance:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=142890

 

[slaog]

Good stuff Vulpine

A few weeks later, while doing a completely non-related google search at work, I stumbled across this site. :woo:

No woman could ever move the "X" on my map, and I haven't met one who doesn't try: Bye!
:wave:
"I'm going this way."

I "cut my losses" with my previous "loser" life, and "confidently persist" toward building my future.



Indeed... me too.

Happy trails, guys.

I found this site too after making a decision to improve myself. When you focus on a goal then the universe provides tools to help you along your way.

 

[wjh]

Excellent thread Vulpine. Excellent thread.

 

[DevanE]

...

That was pretty powerful Vulpine...much respect!!. :rockon:

You know the funny thing is that growing up we aren't taught a lot of things and have to get sh**ed on a lot to see the light. See your story is nothing different but the mere fact you corrected your erroneous ways is what's cool because people actually spend their whole lives just living day by day so consider yourself blessed. Me personally growing up I never really had anyone to look for answers and the people that DID give me answers THOUGHT they knew what was best for me (which turned out to be a complete lie) or gave me answers which benefited THEM one way or another...pretty sad huh...?

I realized that instead of FOLLOWING other people's advice/opinions that never seemed to be working I look within myself so I can use the map and internal compass I'm provided with but have been too lazy to use. When you think about it...it's easier to get someone to think for you and just decide for you or point you in the "right" direction...since everyone is doing it why not...? It's a tough bullet to swallow and question your beliefs since many of us invest too much of our ego's in them so the breakdown was actually your BREAK--THROUGH. I feel a lot of these problems arise due to not having any REAL family structure or stability because that's where it ALL begins.

In the end...this life is a never ending journey and then we all DIE!!!!.

 

[Vulpine]

EDIT: Interceptor's post about The Forced March ties well with your experience, Vulpine. I don't know if you've ever read it but give it a quick glance:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=142890

I was gone for a while and missed that post. Good link! I would definitely recommend that others follow that link and read that thread as well.

Although I miss your castle analogies. :rock:

I've been meaning to type it up as a post...

 

[Vulpine]

Bump.

I think there are a lot of younger guys here who could stand to read this and apply it to themselves.

Don't waste your life chasing women. Get somewhere for yourself first, enrich your life, then let women chase you. Set goals that will benefit you and develop your future. This is the essence of becoming the prize. Once you are the prize, there is no faking it, you've made it. Don't be a phony loser.

And don't worry, there will STILL be random hook-ups along the way.

 

[loving]

ive had similar epitomr tears of sorrow then joy experiences, but they were while high, and so the lesson was lost on me,

I sit here now breathing heavier from a different place with tears streaming down my face too.

You are right, Vulpine, thank you for leading me here. Your experience is my experience, and itis time for a change.

I sit here, late for school, dedicating myself to this change. I do not know what will happen today there, but it will be my last half-day lost in this world, I'll tell you what.

As i wrote this a chill came through my body that noticably corrected my posture... This feels different, as if I am for the first time opening up new muscle groups. Lovely metaphor that is for life.

THank you god. Thank you Vulpine.

P.S. if you do get around to reading my reply, I hope you can answer: Last night in bed I reached a tipping point. I was there, sitting in such suffering and dismay with my life, then I just said to myself that all that was a withdrawal symptom from quitting pot. Right then those bad feelings all went away , and I was struck with a sense of "clarity" for want of a better word. In that clarity, I remained in my negative verbal patterns and told myself "you can't make me do anything, don't you understand?" then in an eckhart-moment of realization I stopped and looked to where I had pointed when i said You and Me, two different spots. Who were these two different people? Why were they fighting? I started trying to figure it out then commenced the same negative thought patterns for a good twenty minutes, but something very odd happened this time. I did not feel bad. i could not feel bad. All the **** talking to myself about I just gotta give up whats the point blablablabal could not change my mood. I could feel it trying to change my mood, very sneaky devil my words were, but that feeling of clarity was unwavering.

Coincidentally enough I had several dreams that night. The first one, I made a list of 5 other dreams I would have. The next five dreams I remember were fulfilling that list.

This all seems very divine in nature, and I must ask, does the catalyst matter? If it is not withdrawal from weed that gave me these **** feelings, but that realization that took them away, does that matter? Will I ever know? I should stop caring and look forward. Thank you again god.

 

[djbr]

Amazing post, Vulpine.

It's good to get back here and read gems like this one.

 

[Vulpine]

P.S. if you do get around to reading my reply, I hope you can answer:

Dude, you are way over-complicating and way over-thinking things. You could really stand to go on a "walkabout". Just head out in the woods for a couple weeks alone and witness first-hand how simple life REALLY is. Get away from technology, get away from media... get away from "it all".

There is no big mystery, there is no big purpose, life just is. You are simply a part of the food chain. Go see it for your self, I highly recommend it. (Of course, if you have zero camping/survival skills, you should educate yourself first.)

"Walkabout", as Aussies call it, has been said to be for this purpose: self discovery, spiritual discovery, etc.

Life is great as long as you are still alive.

 

[Vulpine]

The Castle

I guess I never posted this here... cut and paste! It's a bit old, but...

Foreword:

Here it is, Batman, thanks for keeping at me. MacAvoy, I wanted to finish this rambling up for you.

Forest through the trees, folks. This really needs no introduction...
_______

The Castle​

Consider yourself living with your parent(s) as living in another person’s kingdom. All your life, you go about your day-to-day business, going to work, having some fun, meeting some people, and just getting by. Hanging out that Ye Olde Nightclub, shopping at the marketplace, attending some festivals and such... A pretty simple life, just getting by, like everyone else. Essentially, you are just a face in a crowd, doing what others seem to do, like an “extra” in the movie of life.

One day you happen to wonder: “How did this kingdom that I’m living in get established?” After researching the history, you find yourself somewhat envious of the king and think “What’s so special about that guy?” You might not make the connection or come to the right conclusion at that point, and perhaps you go back to the day-to-day life for a while.

As time passes, you see experience something in the kingdom that makes you happy and you start thinking again. “How can I experience this more? I bet the king gets to do this all the time! How did the king become ‘the king’?”

One day, you travel to another kingdom to pick up something at the market. After talking with some of the locals, you learn of that king and his kingdom’s history. There are things you like better about that kingdom and you decide to move. From kingdom to kingdom you move, you experience wars and losses, you take shelter in other people’s castles until finally one day someone does something so gracious that you feel ashamed and unworthy of such generosity.

“How do I deserve this, and, why do I need it in the first place? How did I get here, in this kingdom? In this castle? Is there some way that I could not depend on someone else and avoid feeling guilty?”

For a while, you might deal with some negativity and feelings of worthlessness. But then one afternoon you bump into someone at the market who explains that they live out in the countryside: not in anybody’s kingdom. You befriend this person and one day visit his humble little cottage. They tell you how they live, how they struggle, and how they came to build their cottage. “Wow, this person lives like a king!”

You come to realize that you yourself could potentially have a little kingdom of your own! You realize that you could build something lasting for yourself: you could design your own home, even build a CASTLE!!!

So, you stay in the countryside with the person and learn their lifestyle. You look around in the area, but you decide eventually that you just don’t like the terrain. You remember an area to the North that had some beautiful mountains and decide to scout that area out. There, you find someone living there in the countryside and ask about the lifestyle. “There’s a lot of bears and wolves” they explain. You were hoping to have some chickens and other livestock for meat, so you decide the area just won’t do. That person tells you about how they lived in the east and used to fish for a lot of their food. Since your path would be easy, and you fairly nearby, you go to see how that area to the east is.

Once in the east, you learn how to fish on the ocean and the lifestyle. You enjoy it for a while, but the people you live with aren’t very friendly and you become lonely. Miserable, you ask around about the south. “You won’t like it there, the people aren’t very open-minded.” Not taking another persons’ word, you go and see for yourself.

It’s pretty nice, and the people are friendly, albeit ignorant. But, it’s hot, and snakes and insects give you ye olde heeberie-jeeberies. By now, you’ve grown accustomed to relocating and decide to move out west to see what it’s about.

“Now HERE is where the festival is at!” You meet people, celebrate, and have a great time. After a few weeks of celebration, you sit one day with a hangover and realize that you don’t know what the celebration is about. “What’s with all the partying?” You ask around and the general consensus is that “it’s just how it is here”. Although fun, you realize that your body is tired and that the pace is too much. You haven’t slept enough, you are running out of gold, the cost of oats for your horse is really high, and the people are strange.

A messenger rides up to the Inn that you are staying with word that your mother is sick. Since your resources are about to run out, you decide it would be best to go back to the home kingdom to visit and regroup. A maiden you met in the west wants to travel with you, and you agree to her company.

Back at the home kingdom, the maiden can’t adjust to the new lifestyle and wants to instead celebrate all the time. She begins complaining and insulting you and you grow irritated by her, eventually asking her to leave the kingdom and return west.

With the loss, you become sad and again wonder about the king. “How is he so rich? How is he so powerful? I couldn’t be like him, he’s so GREAT! I’m jealous.”

So time passes, the day-to-day life occupies your mind, and you find little joys in the successes of your mundane existence. Maidens come and go, friends come and go, and family members die. But you get along, day by day, with no real purpose in mind: “Life is just living, I guess.”

Then, while hunting for stag in the king’s forest, you realize: “I really like it here, and I really enjoy hunting, I want to do it more!” You decide to see if there is any need for a royal hunter. For weeks you inquire amongst the town folk. From one reference to the next you inquire, until finally someone get you in touch with the king’s cook.

To your surprise, the king dislikes venison, so there is no need for a stag hunter. However, the king really enjoys fish, and he is also fond of mutton. But, you don’t know much about sheep, and you don’t know how to fish in the kingdom’s river, only in the ocean. It turns out that your efforts were for naught: “royal hunter” was a pipedream, a dead-end.

“What am I going to do now?”

Sitting in the courtyard, you look around at all the shopkeepers, stable hands, shepherds, knights, inn keepers and wonder if they like what they do. You wonder about their lives and ponder their struggles: “What did they do to get where they are? Was it easy?” The courtyard gets noisy and you just want to go away and think for a while, so you go out into the king’s forest with your bow to hunt in peace.

While in the woods, you realize that for all your travels you have nothing to show for them. All your efforts, all the struggles, and all the time you spent was wasted. All the maidens have left you for barons, lords, or princes: you are just a peasant.

Then everything becomes clear: you didn’t know what you wanted to be, you didn’t know what you wanted to do, you just didn’t know what the options were. All while, you had just been following other established paths, and you found yourself to be running around in a circle, you had been “chasing your tail”.

Instead of worrying about your wasted life, you began to see it as exploring your options and finding out what you might enjoy. You begin to see past failures as only learning experiences from which you learned that you either weren’t good at something, or you didn’t enjoy doing it. And, you began to look around.
...
......

This whole post doesn't seem to be going anywhere, does it?

If this seems to be a bunch of “blahblahblahblah” rambling, it’s MEANT to. “Blahblahblahblahblahget to the POINT!”

Exactly, what’s the point? What’s the point of life? What are we doing? Before you bother with even attempting to answer those questions, let me just ...get to the point.

I have been stuck in a life pattern, a loop, that I suspect (based on movies like Fight Club, The Matrix, and from shared experiences of peers) is not uncommon. Blahblahblahblah... just on and on with life: a life with no real meaning, no point.

 

[Vulpine]

Continued

MID-LIFE CRISIS!​

death of someone close​

EPIPHANY!​

I finally recognized my life pattern of failure as:

get girlfriend > get job > get an apartment > crisis > get (angry, depressed, frustrated, shaken, etc.) > lose job > lose apartment > lose girlfriend > move > get girlfriend > get job > get an apartment...

On and on it went. I would build up “my life”, then there would be an influence, and my house of cards, my “sandcastle”, would come crumbling down as if the tide came in and washed it away. I felt like a little kid; as if my function in life was to play in the sandbox making sandcastles. And, it felt pretty futile.

I finally recognized my pattern of failure, as I noted in “The Map and Compass”, and I wanted to break out of my cycle. I had been following other people’s trails in life, and I had been running around in circles. I had come to realize that I needed to forge my own trail.

In order to make positive changes, you have to need to know what’s broke and needs fixing. You can try to fix every aspect at once, but that would spread yourself too thin, in my opinion. And, it would likely slow down progress on the elements individually. Instead, I suggest taking one or two aspects of your life that you would like to change, and focus all your efforts on that. Once you are satisfied with that element, you can than focus on the next, and the next.

In my case, I am taking one aspect of my pattern and focusing on changing that...

> get girlfriend >

PSYCHE!

The “> get girlfriend >” aspect, as we should all know from our seduction studies, is completely bogus. I don’t need to fix that aspect, because I eliminated it: I no longer need to “> get girlfriend >”, so it’s not an aspect of failure.


No, actually, the element I’m focusing on is:

> get an apartment >

Instead of making sandcastles like a little kid, I’m making something more long-term, more lasting. I’m looking to make my life less prone to failure - more resistant to outside forces. So, for the sake of my own peace of mind, I am directing my energy towards that goal, because I feel that, for me, it would be the most rewarding. I have been stuck in “renter’s prison” my entire adult life. My things have been storage and my money has been flying out the window with nothing to show for it. Being a renter, having my things in storage, and making someone else rich with my rent checks has seriously affected my confidence and happiness: it has been eating at my soul. So, I’m going to FIX IT.

As you can see, I have done some serious “troubleshooting”. I’ve searched my soul, discovered what makes me the happiest, and have resigned myself to these goals.

Now, I don’t care if I have to literally ****ing cut stone and stack that **** up, I will have a “Castle”. This is the focus of my efforts, my goal. There will be nothing that prevents me from achieving this goal: nothing. I will put all my crap in storage, bathe twice a week, eat only meat and cheese, alienate women and friends with my situation, and sleep in my car for a year if that’s what it takes. Oh, and I’ll feel GREAT doing it because I know I am making progress towards my goal!

Is that it, Vulpine? The castle is a house metaphor?

No, of course not.

“The Castle” is you and your life.

You may have been thinking “I have to build a castle”, but, the truth is, you and your life ALREADY IS THE CASTLE. It’s popular perception to think of life in terms of “have not”. “I gotta get rich, I gotta get laid, I gotta get this and that.” Hey, make The Castle as big as you want. But, it would be improvements on an already existing one bedroom Castle. You already “have”, and chances are, your castle isn’t a cardboard efficiency castle underneath an overpass. Follow?


Hobbies, family, finances, obligations, vices, lovers...

All these aspects of your life, these facets, are the stones in your castle. Your castle is only as strong as the weakest stone. That’s the one the “enemies” will find and exploit. So, when you relate it back to the cycle of failures in your (my) life, you can easily see how the aspects of failure equal crumbling stones in your castle wall. If you never give any attention to the crumbling stones, eventually the whole castle comes down.

All this maintenance seems like a lot of work, doesn’t it?

THE KINGDOM

It doesn't have to be. Preventative maintenance can save you a lot of fixing and extra work later on. I have come to embrace being "proactive" in my life versus "reactive".

See, your Castle is in your Kingdom. Things in your life don't necessarily need to be important functions, or shouldn't be in your life, they can reside in the countryside of your kingdom.

Friends that sort of suck, toxic family members, recreational drugs, nagging significant others... these things should be out in the kingdom. If people/things in your Castle begin to become saboteurs, load them into the trebuchet and launch them out into the countryside.

When you're single and looking, let down your drawbridge. Women will have to go around your "moat". Your moat is the protective device that are your qualifications.



I only have one more thing for you to consider:

Is your Castle a happy one?

If you think of The Castle as "happiness", again, where are the weak stones?
_______________
Afterword:
The Castle is just the metaphor I use. I could go on and on with the analogies and relating everything in life philosophically. But, "The Castle" serves me well to troubleshoot my life as it provides a means of "seeing the forest through the trees". It provides me with a place to start when I need to think things through or assess my life. It provides me with a "bigger picture" vantage point from which I can determine how, and to what extent, things affect me.

There have been many people struggling with their lives, knowing they need to change, but asking: "Where do I start?!?!!!" "The Castle" was my "starting point". I had to map things out for myself and keep them straight in my own head based on MY preferences. That being said, I hope everyone can appreciate, and potentially adapt this Castle concept for their own.

Though, it doesn't necessarily have to be "The Castle". Your "The Castle" could be "The Chicken Coop" or "The Left Nostril of My Great Aunt Marie", I don't care. I'm simply offering you a "device", or a "tool" that you may be able to benefit from.

________