The lowlife who dumps a chick vs. you who has higher value.

[djjizzyjeff]

Thread about your ego and when to put it in check and realize no matter how good you are or better than her ex there's a high chance of not getting the girl in this situation (or at least her cheating on you if you do become a couple).

Say you meet a chick. You get along great. She seems like a great chick, has lots of guys who like her and she really seems to like you (tells you, acts like it, always talks to you, texts you etc.)

The problem is she just got dumped by the lowlife she's been dating. (The dude may not be a lowlife but we'll use "lowlife" as an example.)

Now she's single. No boyfriend. The breakup on his part was just because. You're not getting involved with a taken chick. You're getting involved with a fresh out of relationship chick.

Now you might think you have a good chance with this type of chick (fresh out of a relationship) in this situation due to how much she seems to like you, gasses your head up, and you know how much higher value you are than her ex (looks, personality, ambition, job, you name it) but odds are you really don't have a good chance with this type of chick at all.(as far as a couple relationship)

The reason even a dude with actual less value than yourself in these situations will have her running back to him is that even if she was completely faithful during their relationship (never cheated, nor been the cheating type) she has an extremely high probability she'll cheat on YOU with the ex (especially if he dumped her) if you wind up in a relationship with her right after it happened due to her feelings for the dude regardless if he completely treated her like sh1t or not.

Remember even if she can technically do much better with you, and you and her know it, in her mind she's had experience with her ex and has kept her orbiters as what they are for her (orbiters) for him etc. The dude especially if he dumped her has her ego crushed. Whatever she did/put aside other dudes etc for him has been stomped by her ex's dumping of her. (Even if he's a dude who you can't believe she's dated and she's the much better looking of the two of them and you blow him away in looks.)

All your value is seen as nothing to her no matter how good it is (except for temporary security blanket). All she sees is her own value stomped by her ex to the point where her mind can't comprehend all she's done for the dude (while having her head gassed up by orbiters etc.) and that he's the one who tossed her aside. Even moreso if it's for some chick who looks better or even worse than she does. It's like the ultimate blow to the chicks ego. At that point no matter how much you truly have going for you she takes you as no challenge as you are "giving" it to her and he may've offered little to nothing but took it away from her after she gave all her "value" up for him.

I know there's several dudes who've either seen this or experienced it. You could have so much going for you and a chick who is completely "into" you and she may well be but she's just gotten dumped and STILL runs back to the dumper.

In this type of situation theres only two things you can do:

1) What I would do: If you know she recently got dumped. Keep it as friends and meet other chicks in the meantime. Don't put in any hope for the future. If she continues to be broken up let her heal for a while. Let her even get a re-bound "boyfriend" in the meantime. If it works out between the two of you after that. Fine. If not keep it moving.

2) Invest nothing in the chick other than escalating and become FBs. Then take off. Don't invest any of your heart in this chick as you will be the one to get ****ed. Why? Because while you invest she's highly likely to out of a fresh dumping be trying to get back the challenge who she's had experience with dating etc. who dumped and crushed her to "prove" she's good enough. And I can almost guarantee she'll be sexing the dude to "prove" it to him behind your back. (I would never do that nor would I suggest anyone who truly cares for the type of chick in this type of situation but simply not bother with pursuing them. *ONLY if the feelings between the two of you are still mutual after she's had time to heal.)

 

[Mike32ct]

I can understand this.

Sometimes the other guy (i.e. the ex) has relationship seniority.

Sometimes that can trump the "value" of the new guy; thus, she can "cheat" on her new guy.

 

[djjizzyjeff]

I can understand this.

Sometimes the other guy (i.e. the ex) has relationship seniority.

Sometimes that can trump the "value" of the new guy; thus, she can "cheat" on her new guy.

Right on. And what she'll do is justify in her mind that she was broken up with the ex. and in a "relationship" with you at that point so it wasn't cheating on her part if you two have sex. (Which is correct on her part.)

The bad part could/would be as she tries to prove herself worthy to the ex behind your back she'll either dump YOU out of the blue (before having sex with you or not yet even having sex again with the ex) leaving you wondering if she's completely crazy for leaving you for what you have to offer and the way she really seemed (even if she truly did) to like you and go back to the ex who dumped HER.

Or the same chick who's never cheated before will be highly likely to cheat on you behind your back fvcking her ex (while staying with you) till you either find out about it or her ex takes her back then justifying it in her mind that the old relationship had more "investment" in it..dumping you. So even if she feels guilty for cheating on you and ruining a possible better thing for her with you she'll take the familiar route while leaving you even more fvcked in the head over it.

I've seen that scenario a few times in life. (The dumped ones even more so. It crushes them) I knew chicks I'd liked and saw them with losers yet complaining constantly. Chicks who had zero strength and self-worth/confidence to truly move on. I didn't even entertain the nonsense/complaints especially even if they were flirting like crazy and putting on the "I really like you act" as I knew even IF I was better in all areas than their “ex”, and even IF they knew it too, they put whatever value they possessed into the ex dude and it wouldn't matter if I or whomever were "offering" better value/ looks etc. to her she'd either think she isn't worthy of mine (or whomever better) either subconsciously or consciously. Those chicks are simply insecure or made to be insecure by a certain ex and become attracted to low life dudes or a dude who's mind fvcked them for relationships. (Almost like they are being pimped emotionally and allowing it.) There’s no wasting your time trying to prove anything to, or using common sense with, or trying to help them. You’ll only make it worse for yourself.

Those chicks are a complete waste of your time. Even if they are recently single due to the dude dumping them, it's almost like they crave the abuse by having given whatever value they possessed to a dude they know isn't good yet still need to "prove" themselves "worthy" to them with sex, cheating on you with them, etc. Even if they got in a relationship with you they'd most certainly cheat on you with the ex behind your back even if they never cheated before.

If you dudes find yourself with a chick that is in or fresh out of a relationship like that and wants to jump into a relationship with you, you need to put your ego aside and leave her be. If something happens in the future fine. If not you’re better off. Even if she’s a really great person it’s not worth it. She has no self-esteem at that point in her life and may never after. Perhaps in time. But time marches on and so should you unless you want the dumped chick to cheat on you.

Find a chick who's been single for a certain time, and is as mentally sound as possible about being single yet ready for a good relationship, who can appreciate the value of a good dude.

 

[jeffreylebowski]

Good post. Seen this happen and have been on the other side. No fun.

In essence, it's like her need to be "unrejected" by "low-life" overrides anything she might feel for you.

 

[zinc4]

this is why i usually flake on POF girls first date and sometimes 2nd date girls who i banged from the clubs...it makes your value shoot up in their eyes...

 

[Aristippus]

I could see this particular scenario as being a possibility. When it comes to women, one of the sayings many of them practically live by is "A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.". In a scenario where she chooses to stay with an inferior man in spite of having better options or in this scenario you were talking about, it reminds me of a story I read, I forget where.

A young child owned an ugly, badly behaved, flea-infested dog. One day the dog ran away or was lost. His parents offered to buy him a new dog that was better in every way but he didn't want it, instead he was sad over losing the ugly, flea-infested dog. When the old dog returned, the child was ecstatic. The moral of the story: Attachment can distort our vision and make the unattractive appear attractive. It can cause us to reject something superior to the object of our attachment.

It's a combination of attachment and comfort that will cause a woman to get into a relationship with a man who is inferior in every way. Sometimes this simply happens because of convenience. At other times it's a matter of desperation. She needs something, anything, to get rid of that nagging fear of being alone. Or she's been single a while and hasn't been approached by a man she wants to be with. Suddenly what can happen is the longer she is single, the more her standards start to slip. She drops her standards so she can get rid of the pain and a man she would have rejected 6 months ago is the same man she will get into a relationship with in a desperate situation. And yes, attractive women can have dry spells. Moments of attention from various males in day to day activity is different from being in a relationship. Women get lonely too. This loneliness can be the breeding ground for future attachment to a substandard male.

Throw in a sexual history with substandard male and now she also has to rationalize why she formed the attachment in the first place. Her brain will then go into overdrive reaching for any reason it can randomly think of to justify the entire relationship and resulting attachment. She will either focus on one or two desirable traits he does have and blow them out of proportion while ignoring or downplaying the negatives or she will completely fabricate imagined positive traits that he never really had. Source: COPS and The Jerry Springer Show.

 

[Uncharted]

Great post. If I get involved with a girl that just broke up with her boyfriend, I ASSUME that she WILL get back together with him. In the meantime, if I can bang her - great. If not, then I force myself not to get attached.

Don't expect a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and you're good. Treat her like another "plate" but NEVER the only plate.

 

[djjizzyjeff]

I could see this particular scenario as being a possibility. When it comes to women, one of the sayings many of them practically live by is "A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.". In a scenario where she chooses to stay with an inferior man in spite of having better options or in this scenario you were talking about, it reminds me of a story I read, I forget where.

A young child owned an ugly, badly behaved, flea-infested dog. One day the dog ran away or was lost. His parents offered to buy him a new dog that was better in every way but he didn't want it, instead he was sad over losing the ugly, flea-infested dog. When the old dog returned, the child was ecstatic. The moral of the story: Attachment can distort our vision and make the unattractive appear attractive. It can cause us to reject something superior to the object of our attachment.

It's a combination of attachment and comfort that will cause a woman to get into a relationship with a man who is inferior in every way. Sometimes this simply happens because of convenience. At other times it's a matter of desperation. She needs something, anything, to get rid of that nagging fear of being alone. Or she's been single a while and hasn't been approached by a man she wants to be with. Suddenly what can happen is the longer she is single, the more her standards start to slip. She drops her standards so she can get rid of the pain and a man she would have rejected 6 months ago is the same man she will get into a relationship with in a desperate situation. And yes, attractive women can have dry spells. Moments of attention from various males in day to day activity is different from being in a relationship. Women get lonely too. This loneliness can be the breeding ground for future attachment to a substandard male.

Throw in a sexual history with substandard male and now she also has to rationalize why she formed the attachment in the first place. Her brain will then go into overdrive reaching for any reason it can randomly think of to justify the entire relationship and resulting attachment. She will either focus on one or two desirable traits he does have and blow them out of proportion while ignoring or downplaying the negatives or she will completely fabricate imagined positive traits that he never really had. Source: COPS and The Jerry Springer Show.

Yep. Basically the same as in reverse with a dude who is higher value than a chick he's dating in all aspects. Winds up dating her for a while, becomes friends with a hot really cool chick and out of the blue his GF dumps him for no reason. Everyone wonders what he sees in her, parents could pressure him to look for better as well, yet it makes him fight for "them" even more and she winds up dumping him out of the blue for a better or lower status dude than him. It would ruin that dudes confidence in that he gave himself knowing he's better than a lower status chick and she just dumped him which would make him even more insecure to get into a relationship with an even better chick/ who's way hotter than his ex as he'd start to think: Well if I gave so much of myself to this lower status chick there's no way this better chick wouldn't or couldn't do the same thing and dump me. So the dude would possibly go with the hot chick for a while but still try to prove to the ex behind her back he's worthy or he wouldn't go with the hot chick at all leaving her wondering why yet his confidence has been shot to sh1t.

I've seen a few dudes do that too. Get dumped by a trash chick, have an all around better chick wanting them and they'll blow them off to go back to what's familiar as the pain of the same scenario repeating itself (no matter how good the dude is in looks etc.) would be worse in his mind than even when he was dumped with the lower chick he's dated. (You could even be friends with them and think WTF man? She's so much better! But they are damaged at that point and need to heal aren't ready to really move on. If they ever do.)





Final point: You really have to be careful with chicks who've just gotten dumped or fresh out of relationships as the familiar ex no matter how bad it seems usually always trumps whatever higher value you bring. That value you possess can actually work against you if the persons confidence has been completely shot and they are simply too afraid to get possibly hurt even worse by you. (Even if you aren't that type).

You don't know that persons home life, things they experienced growing up, people who may've crapped on them when younger etc. That they may show "perfection" on the outside but that dumping by the familiar dude they "lowered" themselves to completely ruined them.

Best to leave fresh out of relationship/dumped chicks alone. If in the future she seems sound and the feelings are still there, fine. Otherwise keep your own ego in check and keep it moving.

 

[zinc4]

If you are dealing with the rebound you bang them first meet up act like you are so into them at first and then go a little aloof and flake on them at least once early on and get together again and act all into them and then go aloof again and then repeat until she has completely forgotten about her ex and then is obsessed with you....it's all about controlling their emotions...their ex is old to them already so you do have the advantage if you go hot cold hot cold catapulting their IL way over what they had for their ex placing their ex in the brotherly love category.......sounds complicated but it's simple really...i have done it several times with rebound chicks...