The line between gossip and talking about others lives when they're not around

[FlexpertHamilton]

What do you think of this? I personally detest gossip, but among my close friends I find it very difficult to not talk about mutual friends when they're not around. I'm not shvt talking them and I try to actually defend them and explain why they do the things they do, going as far as to speak as if they were present. Yet I still will point out things about mutual friends that they may be doing wrong and ultimately worry about them. Examples include the state of their marriage/relationship and how it might be effecting them, or poor lifestyle/mindset choices. It comes from a place of caring, but I still hate doing it because it seems cowardly to talk about anyone when they're not present.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Gossip is when you say something behind someone's back that you wouldn't say to their face.

Well yes, but if you speak of critically of someone who isn't present but is otherwise characterized by tough love and out of a place of concern, is that inherently bad? If not, I don't get why I feel so guilty for it.

The reason I avoid discussing certain things when said individual is around is because I believe that people have to reach the conclusion on their own terms, and if you try to nip it in bud at the wrong time, it will be counter productive.

For instance, if a friend is with a toxic woman, there's probably nothing you can do to get him to see it. Yet when they inevitably break up, I will tell them everything I suspected all along, because in these moments of vulnerability, they are finally honest and open enough to accept what you're saying. It's just very painful to see people making mistakes and know you just have to wait it out.

 

[BaronOfHair]

What do you think of this? I personally detest gossip, but among my close friends I find it very difficult to not talk about mutual friends when they're not around. I'm not shvt talking them and I try to actually defend them and explain why they do the things they do, going as far as to speak as if they were present. Yet I still will point out things about mutual friends that they may be doing wrong and ultimately worry about them. Examples include the state of their marriage/relationship and how it might be effecting them, or poor lifestyle/mindset choices. It comes from a place of caring, but I still hate doing it because it seems cowardly to talk about anyone when they're not present.

There's a big difference between asking "What's Bob or Suzy up to these days?", and slandering or/and endlessly prattling on about what f-ck up you think someone is, whenever they're not around

 

[Mike32ct]

You can listen without adding to the gossipy stuff.

Her: “I think Bob is dating Suzy.”

You: “I can’t wait until lunch. I wanna try that new diner that opened.”

This is also useful in the workplace. Somebody tells you something that you wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole. Just don’t add to it. And certainly don’t confirm or agree with it. Just change the subject. You can’t get in trouble for what somebody else said.

 

[jhonny9546]

Gossip is when you say something behind someone's back that you wouldn't say to their face.

This is fascinating, since at least in my experience, this is a major element that get woman attratted to a man.
I know this is not a good thing to do for a man, but I wonder why women are attratted to this behaviour from a man..

 

[Bokanovsky]

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss event, small minds discuss people.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I recently became part of a group of people. One to the people in the group and I shared an experience with a third person that’s fringe to said group. While the aforementioned was occurring I was like “omfg”, the other person was alongside and I looked at them with a “holy fracking **** look” on my face and the person clearly acknowledged it.

A few days later, all the “cool kids”
were hanging around shooting it and the situation in question was brought specifically and a lot of eye rolling ensued, then I was asked to participate and describe the situation which I refused to. I said “ahh I’d rather not talk about it, if the person is not here to tell their side”.

They egged me on and I still refused. I do not talk shyte about others, and simply by doing this I make myself mostly immune to it. This way I’m known as a straight shooter, not a back biter.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Personally I won't engage in any sort of negative or gossipy convo about a person who isn't present and tell whoever is the one trying to start it that it's not cool to be talking about people when they aren't there.

That usually changes the subject pretty quickly. After a time or two doing this people will know to refrain from this while I am there and don't do it anymore.

 

[jhonny9546]

How could you say this without getting the "boss attitude"?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

How could you say this without getting the "boss attitude"?

Say what? I just usually say something like "Yo bro, that's not cool to be talking about him when he isn't here...say it to his face if that's how you really feel".

 

[jhonny9546]

I do keep coming back to it, and Im doing some research

10 Ways to Be a Better Husband Today

To countenance the statistics on divorce is to recognize that happy, lasting marriages do not happen by default. In strong marriages, each spouse, rather than sinking into indifference and complacency, makes an effort to do things that leave their partner enamored and appreciative. To find out...

www.artofmanliness.com

In this article, they state that taking note of events to gossip after with your woman is a good thing.

Since I see many women interested on that, and if they find a male that actually talk gossip about events, instead of gossip about others, is that a good thing? How do you gossip about events and people without tallking dirty about em?

 

[jhonny9546]

Don't be so desperately feminine.

No matter what the "Art of Manliness" says: Men don't gossip. Period.

Okay, this is clear!

But I cannot understand why a woman can't wait to see her man back from work to gossip with him about others. (Because she knows her man is the god of gossip.)

Or, other females would go to this man and gossip to him or wait for him to reveal the gossip about that event and then about other people.

This is just something I see, how people interact in relationships. I report in the field.

It looks like this gives them something like a "bonding". With this behavior, they feel like a "group".

Then, if you don't gossip or take part in it, you're seen as the "defective" one.

 

[jhonny9546]

No, this what women do in order to bond with other women. And the only 'men' who participate are weak / insecure / feminine males.

So this makes also clear that those kinda of women are with those men because like that trait in them.

Also, Which is the correct behave to have when your woman come gossip to you about life/social circle events, (good gossip), but soon after gossip about other people and their choices (bad gossip)?

 

[jhonny9546]

Don't keep asking how to act when confronted by gossipers, dummy. Men don't gossip. Period. What's not to understand about that?

I'm not an idiot but understand your position.
But we are animals who emulate others, and I've got unlucky to have "feminine" man around me for most of my life

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss event, small minds discuss people.

Of course, but I talk with my friends a lot, and inevitably we talk about our mutual friends at some point.

If I'm talking with a random dude, it's always about ideas, business or work usually. I had a impromtu "double date" recently and I didn't know any of them. When the two girls left to go to the bathroom for 15 minutes (obviously to talk about us) I talked with the other guy about getting work visas in Bali/Thailand and that whole "digital nomad/passport bro" lifestyle, we did not talk about the girls, or any girls, whatsoever. When the two girls came back, they said "were you guys shvt talking us the whole time?" lmao, classic projection. Women are the ones who gossip and talk about sex in detail and they assume we do the same thing. It doesn't occur to them that men run the world precisely because we are so interested in discussing ideas.

 

[jhonny9546]

I only see these guys gossiping about other people, and they do it mainly to entertain women in their conversations.
Women not only laugh, they are happy, in the presence of these guys, but they will also report the gossip they just saw. In short, this thing, manages to create a kind of bond of trust.
Those are just my IRL reports

 

[BaronOfHair]

In short, this thing, manages to create a kind of bond of trust.
Those are just my IRL reports

This sort of juvenile behavior may enhance one's standing in Rome or Naples, even as it's viewed less charitably in different parts of the world... As The Assassin noted in a separate thread, Italians are viewed by the rest of Europe as a nation of overgrown toddlers*


*Though lately, The US and The UK are giving Italy a run for it's money on this front

 

[jhonny9546]

Plus you assume they are bonding. Do you have any evidence of a guy being sexually attractive to women while gossiping? The fact that they are 'happy' only means they're 'entertained'. Entertaining women rarely leads to the type of relationship you're looking for.

One is his 7years GF, I'm sure another woman there want to **** him.
The other are there for gossip.


" Entertaining women rarely leads to the type of relationship you're looking for"
This.
I saw my sister in two different LTR behaving accordingly to her men.
In the first LTR she was really "childish" and having too many "back" gossip.
In the 2nd LTR she became adult, prone to career, very educated.

Like two different person. And that is because a woman "mirror" her men behaviour. Learn from you, and want you to guide her.

But this also make me think: Why are there women which keep LTR with unhealthy men, if they can also be good with a healthy men?

This sort of juvenile behavior may enhance one's standing in Rome or Naples

What is considered here a mature men, is considered a "elderly" men here in Italy.
That is just the general POV on it.
But I trust "feminine" women out there, will find those "mature" men and never leave after they can experience what being a man really is. Something they can't forget.

 

[jhonny9546]

because their unhealthy man wouldn't want her to work out her problems.

You can pay for 100$ and still cannot find the information you wrote up above.
But this sentence really resonate. What do you mean? "because their unhealthy man wouldn't want her to work out her problems"
Is that because the men is getting advantage over her because of that or any other reason?
Interesting!

Again thanks for the comment above, I've saved on my syllabus

 

[jhonny9546]

It's a matter of control. If a person is emotionally unstable, they're easier to manipulate than when they're stable.

As long as a woman has emotional issues, you can trigger those issues to keep her 'off-balance' and manipulate her.

A normal/healthy man will want to avoid drama, so they actually have a stake in a woman solving her emotional issues and cutting down on her drama.

That's why those manipulators usually want you to reduce your time with friends, family, relatives, so you can get better manipulated at their intentions