The "I'm Not Ready For A Relationship" Excuse

[titansremember]

As expected, my gf of a few months broke up with me some time ago. We started dating about a week after she broke up with her bf of 2 and a half years (probably not the smartest idea on my part...) and told me she "wasn't ready for a relationship." However, she also told me, "you never know, we could date in the future...." I have never had a woman say THIS to me!

Now, I know many of you have read Pook's posts on "********," and how this is just a flat-out rejection in disguise. But maybe some situations are different than others? I just can't help but think that maybe there are some women out there that just start a relationship at the wrong time and need a break. After a girl breaks up with you, don't you just want to go out and be SINGLE again? I think it's the same with women. Even if it is just to go out and be crazy slvts, women need time to be single, too. You might meet women who really do LIKE you, but just don't feel they're in a position to date you yet. That's the impression I got when my ex dumped me.

I know what you're thinking- that it's bullshyt and if she really wanted a relationship with me, she wouldn't have left. But all her friends, whom I am close with, are saying otherwise. This site, although it helped me a lot, gave me an "all women are lying, cheating, conniving b*tches" mindset, and I'm thinking I need to let it go. Maybe women can actually be honest. Don't you guys ever meet a girl who just gives you that gut instinct that maybe she wouldn't lie to you about these kinds of things?

I don't know, just want to hear what you guys think. And no, I'm not attempting to "win my ex back" or anything stupid like that. I'm just really curious and maybe I could learn something here?

 

[Vice]

You seem to be the kind of guy that sets up a "dating frame". This means that you're doing all kinds of behaviors that makes the girl realize that you want to be in a relationship with her, when it sounds like she was looking for something with less commitment after seeing how mediocre being in a relationship was. And then you came along offering another mediocre potential relationship, at a time where she was ready to have fun and enjoy her limited youth.

You also seem like the kind of guy who judges women (due to the "sl*ts" comment). Women pick up on that kind of thinking and will withhold sex from you and avoid the subject around you because they don't want to be judged by you. The whole madonna-***** complex manifested. I'm willing to bet that you don't have sex with girls quickly. But I may be wrong since I'm making huge generalizations based on what you wrote.

 

[ezio]

Hahaha you seem to think your girl is different from all the rest, alot of guys on this site had the same mindset before they got reality checked. we all think we've landed that special one but its all an illusion, ask yourself if brad pitt or some famous actor or model had asked your girl out wld she have given him that excuse? you can decide to believe your girl and hope she eventually becomes ready to be in a relationship with you. I can't make your decisions for you but take it from someone who went through something similar less than a month ago. it doesn't end well

 

[Aaron B]

the relationship is supposed to be HER REWARD for meeting your standards and jumping through your hoops

the fact that you reached this point with her shows that you did not structure the interactions properly from the outset

my suspicion is that the focus has been too much on her and what she wants, and too little on you and what you want

it's your job to make sure that doesn't happen

also what anyone says about this, her friends included, is irrelevant

pook will teach you to ignore the words and only watch the actions

her friends just want to make you feel better - it's what women do

also as ezio points out - humans aren't static. we're dynamic. she can go from being "not ready for a relationship" in her words to in a relationship with another guy in a short period of time. everything is in motion, not standing still.

when you lend credence to "i'm not ready for a relationship" it's because you view it as an absolute fact written in stone, when reality isn't even close to that. that sequence of words is merely the most-convenient excuse for her to give you. those words mean nothing other than she has low interest in you. if she had high interest she wouldn't be willing to lose you.

in order to properly understand this phrase, simply add the implied "with you" to the end

here's what she really said:

"i'm not ready for a relationship WITH YOU"

 

[nismo-4]

OP, Judge nismo knows the reality that this is a rejection in disguise. She doesn't want you. What if you were a young Denzel Washington complete with the money and the fame? Oh, she'd be very ready for a relationship with you.

Not the case here. What you should've done was keep some other girls on the backburner in case a breakup happened. Remember, you're a more desirable male if you have a girlfriend.

"Why's that, your honor?"

Because women want what they can't have! And don't cater to her needs. How is she going to enhance your life? That is the question. Don't act like you have something to lose when you get a girl.

Your princess is in another castle. Advance to World 2-1.

Case closed.

 

[Iceberg]

After a girl breaks up with you, don't you just want to go out and be SINGLE again? I think it's the same with women. Even if it is just to go out and be crazy slvts, women need time to be single, too. You might meet women who really do LIKE you, but just don't feel they're in a position to date you yet. That's the impression I got when my ex dumped me.

That is a very logical approach. But this is an emotional matter.

As you already stated, if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. People don't NEED to be single after a breakup. Hell, some people go from relationship to relationship just like switching jobs.

You're trying to apply logic to it, so you can justify it in your own head. But in my experience, it's best to accept the fact that you'll never crack the code behind a woman's logic. Because there is no logic in the first place.

She dated you. She didn't like it / got tired of it / found someone else. She ended it.

I know what you're thinking- that it's bullshyt and if she really wanted a relationship with me, she wouldn't have left. But all her friends, whom I am close with, are saying otherwise.

Her friends are likely women...and god bless them...they don't know what the f**k they're talking about.

This site, although it helped me a lot, gave me an "all women are lying, cheating, conniving b*tches" mindset, and I'm thinking I need to let it go.

Well, that's a bit extreme. You shouldn't look at women from a perspective of anger, or malice. It's just that, again, they don't know what the f**k they're talking about.

Maybe women can actually be honest. Don't you guys ever meet a girl who just gives you that gut instinct that maybe she wouldn't lie to you about these kinds of things?

Never operate under the "gut instinct" that anyone wouldn't lie about anything. A woman totally would lie to you about her rationale behind breaking up with you. I've dated a lot, and I believe this to be an absolute truth. They think emotionally first and then back their way into logic. They justify their actions after the fact.

 

[titansremember]

Alright guys, I understand where you're coming from. I guess this is the last time I take what a woman says seriously. This has certainly been a reality check. I already knew the real world sucked, but now it's just... damn.

 

[loveshogun]

However, she also told me, "you never know, we could date in the future...." I have never had a woman say THIS to me!

Okay. No girl ever said that to you before. But I tell you what - you can add her to the list of women who have lied to you.

Womp womp, bud.

 

[loveshogun]

Alright guys, I understand where you're coming from. I guess this is the last time I take what a woman says seriously. This has certainly been a reality check. I already knew the real world sucked, but now it's just... damn.

I don't want this to sound harsh - you did just get broken up with. It sucks, we've all been there.

However, if you want to be successful in life (not just with women), try to cool it down with the bitter, defeated tone and attitude. That attitude was cool in high school before any girls had the chance (or the legal age) to meet any real men. And real men are cool with falling down once in a while.

You were alive and kicking before you met this woman. You will be alive and kicking after she leaves. How you improve your own life after that is up to you.

Not all women connive and cheat and lie. But hey, some of them do. Learn how to tell the difference.

 

[The_411]

It's not an excuse it's code for I'm not into you. Her throwing that line about dating in the future is merely to keep as an orbiter.

 

[ArcBound]

As expected, my gf of a few months broke up with me some time ago. We started dating about a week after she broke up with her bf of 2 and a half years (probably not the smartest idea on my part...) and told me she "wasn't ready for a relationship." However, she also told me, "you never know, we could date in the future...." I have never had a woman say THIS to me!

Now, I know many of you have read Pook's posts on "********," and how this is just a flat-out rejection in disguise. But maybe some situations are different than others? I just can't help but think that maybe there are some women out there that just start a relationship at the wrong time and need a break. After a girl breaks up with you, don't you just want to go out and be SINGLE again? I think it's the same with women. Even if it is just to go out and be crazy slvts, women need time to be single, too. You might meet women who really do LIKE you, but just don't feel they're in a position to date you yet. That's the impression I got when my ex dumped me.

I hate to be harsh but every guy thinks like this. "Oh but my girl is/was DIFFERENT. " "She's not like that" "I got a different feelin from this one" But the only thing that has any worth in this world are actions. And her actions say otherwise.

I know what you're thinking- that it's bullshyt and if she really wanted a relationship with me, she wouldn't have left. But all her friends, whom I am close with, are saying otherwise. This site, although it helped me a lot, gave me an "all women are lying, cheating, conniving b*tches" mindset, and I'm thinking I need to let it go. Maybe women can actually be honest. Don't you guys ever meet a girl who just gives you that gut instinct that maybe she wouldn't lie to you about these kinds of things?

I don't know, just want to hear what you guys think. And no, I'm not attempting to "win my ex back" or anything stupid like that. I'm just really curious and maybe I could learn something here?

Her friends telling you whatever doesn't mean anything. I don't want you to have an all women are evil, lying, cheating mindset but you have to realize it doesn't mean jack. If she liked you enough she would still be dating you. Her friend's words of assurance are not a substitute for what actions she should have been showing. So stop analyzing whether her friends are honest and what not and just focus on what has happened. You got dumped. Go drown your sorrow, hang out with your friends, improve yourself and wake up each day thinking its another day to get better and get more women. Stop worrying about this b!tch and whether she's honest or not, her actions are the most honest thing given to you.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

It can be either or.. If you're not banging a chick and she says this to you, then it's a rejection. But if you're banging a chick and being aloof/not clingy, she might say something like this to make sure she can keep you around.

She might be thinking "I can't ask him for a relationship, it'll scare him off! He wants nothing serious." or some crap like that. So they try to get on your level to make sure they still have a handle on you.

Or it could just be a common case of not being ready for a relationship. That's heavy stuff to jump into if you don't know the person well enough.

 

[bigneil]

How can a woman ever say she's not ready for a relationship if SHE is the one asking for one? That's why the man should NEVER ask for a relationship, a commitment, or say "I love you" first. She has to be the one.

 

[titansremember]

It can be either or.. If you're not banging a chick and she says this to you, then it's a rejection. But if you're banging a chick and being aloof/not clingy, she might say something like this to make sure she can keep you around.

She might be thinking "I can't ask him for a relationship, it'll scare him off! He wants nothing serious." or some crap like that. So they try to get on your level to make sure they still have a handle on you.

Or it could just be a common case of not being ready for a relationship. That's heavy stuff to jump into if you don't know the person well enough.

Your last paragraph. THAT'S exactly the impression I got. Everyone on this board has a habit of kind of just jumping to "she's a b*tch" instead of trying to dig deeper. Although I'm handling the situation by cutting off contact/doing what everyone on the board says to do, I am still curious as to what would constitute this kind of a breakup in the TRUTHFUL sense. This girl had lots of problems going on at home with friends, family, even her grades started slipping. She told me what was going on in her personal life, and to be honest, if I was in her situation, I probably would have had to end it myself, too. Relationships never make life easier.

That being said, I'm not being AFC here. I'm not contacting her, I'm not gonna try to make her be interested in me. I get it. But I'd just like to shed some light on this situation. I have my 'normal breakups' and then I have sh*t like this. Sometimes, I just get really confused lol.

 

[bigneil]

I am still curious as to what would constitute this kind of a breakup in the TRUTHFUL sense.

You already got the truth. It's low interest. I've been there too and it's only natural to want a more elaborate answer, but it's just low interest. Sad but true. It's the only answer. Ever be with a girl and just not feel it? But no, the real reason is you were just too handsome and too successful for her.

To be honest, if I was in her situation, I probably would have had to end it myself, too. Relationships never make life easier.
That being said, I'm not being AFC here.

(Making excuses for her low interest = AFC behavior).

As Atom Smasher said, she will either move mountains to see you or she is ambivalent.

Some men need to experience true high interest to put these other women in perspective. For example, the last 3 times I asked my gf out on a real date, she showed up at my door on the minute, and we made plans 2, 5 and 7 days in advance, with my going NC between. My oneitis meanwhile would say things like "I have to be at work early the next day so we have to end our date at 11." and I'd say (as the AFC I was) "I understand, I'd feel that way too."

 

[floydb25]

I find its best to just focus on the facts, and not drive yourself crazy over analyzing the details. There's too many "what if's" in your post. A better question is, "who cares?" Either you're dating or not. It doesn't matter why you're not dating, or she isn't ready. Only that you're not, and she isn't.

I'd strongly advise against NOT putting yourself in a position where there is "potential" of you dating. That just gives her all the control, puts you in chase mode, allows her to decide if you are good enough for her, determine the nature of the relationship, and so on. Never wait around until someone is ready, or try to heal them of their problems in hopes of getting them to trust and love again. Don't become the pursuer or white knight, and get caught up in this nonsense. You're just asking to be used as a rebound, back-up plan, option, etc.

Also, you are putting too much trust into someone, and assuming they are genuine in their intentions. That, they're keeping you around for potential, and not trying to keep you around as an option while giving you false hope that something "might" happen "later". This is how people end up becoming an SO without benefits, or otherwise in a pseudo, one-sided relationship - where one person plays the relationship role, and the other remains single. Having their cake and eating it too, if you will. This is how many people get strung along, become doormats, and played by attention *****s and players, as well. If someone can get the milk without buying the cow - you can bet that they're going to accept everything you do for them - only to keep giving excuses not to commit. It works out in their favor.

It's best not to put yourself in these positions at all. If you're not dating - next. Don't waste time proving your worth, jumping through hoops, waiting around for "potential", and letting them decide if you are good enough for them. Playing the damsel in distress is how people gain the control - whether intentional or not. For the player types - its all part of their game, and how they get people to fall for their BS.

These are all things you have to watch for. Stay safe and cautious. It doesn't matter if they're telling the truth or not. You need to be focusing on what you want, and if that matches what they're providing RIGHT NOW. Not down the line - when they "might" commit. Never, ever focus on someone's potential, or what "might" happen "later". There is no guarantee, so don't bust your hump, and give 80 for their 20.

You never know who is genuine, and who is trying to play you like a fool. Since you can't tell right off hand - you have to treat the situation the same, and make sure you are getting what you want. Don't make it all about them, and their problems / issues. Nobody is owed or entitled to anything, and you aren't responsible for their problems.

Most people - including those who have been "hurt" and "aren't ready" - are also looking out for themselves. Don't put too much faith into what anyone says - until they PROVE otherwise. Don't ever assume someone is being genuine, and taking their side. They could very well be selfish, coniving, etc. You don't know if this is the case, because you don't know THEM.

 

[Lord Shinra]

This sounds like part of the "my phone broke" excuse. It sounds like she didnt want you THAT much, but is definitely willing to keep you on hook in case whatever other guy shes working on doesnt pan out.

Its up to you to decide how that song ends my friend.

 

[MasterFuu]

Someone told me once " you have to go through few bad apples to recognize a good apple". Some girls are good and have their life together some are having drama and other irritants in their life. I recommend dating a girl that has their life together and some values (strong foundation). I dated a girl that had hard life and it's not her fault but we are all a product of our environment. Girl with trouble will likely be trouble for you. The girl I dated had two phone numbers lot of issues and a bad dating record...very shady. I knew what I was getting into and guess what...it ended after few months she was giving me similar excuse (not looking for anything serious). Stay away from chicks with low self esteem. They will only project it on you.:nono: