The idea that rejection is nothing personal

[GoodMan32]

You really cannot because we are all human at the end of the day. Even rejections that builds us up is hard to take in. If you tell me that being rejected does not phase you then I know you are lying to me.



No because I do not like being told that I am unattractive/undatable by women that I found just the opposite of that. Imagine putting in the hard to work to better yourself and getting outright rejected by a girl within your league because you don't look like her alpha widow Hipster Brad with a man bun and money to do God Know's What/NFL Player or Chris Hemsworth. When you constantly have to deal with that BS then it will take a toll on your confidence & self-esteem.



Because women rarely get rejected upfront by men and will never understand the troubles of approaching women. A woman can walk into Kroger/Publix and probably find a guy to go out on a date with her within the first 3 tries. On the other hand, women get rejected in the back end and this where men cannot understand why y'all are all still obsessed with your Ex-boyfriends & flings.

You make a good point when you mention getting rejected by a woman in your league.

There's a common misconception that a man wants a woman way hotter than him (and that's why men get rejected a lot)

But no, the idea that we get rejected a lot because we go for much hotter gals largely isn't true. Most men would be glad to stay in our own league, yet we still get rejected by our looksmatches.

And here's the real melon-scratcher: Despite having a track record of getting rejected by gals in or below my league, the last woman I had free sex with was above me on the looks scale. Go figure.

(I'm not saying I never pursue a gal hotter than me; all I'm saying is I don't solely focus on gals hotter than me)

 

[Sega Genesis]

Imagine putting in the hard to work to better yourself and getting outright rejected by a girl within your league because you don't look like her alpha widow Hipster Brad with a man bun and money to do God Know's What/NFL Player or Chris Hemsworth

I was kinda with ya that it IS personal on some level other than for the reasons outlined in @Bokanovsky post...until I came to this^^.

You definitely should not take that personally IMO.

Her rejecting you because you don't look like her hipster Brad ex with $$$ or a hot movie star or famous athlete has literally nothing to do with you or how attractive you are or even how attractive she thinks you are!

She's got crazy standards and most likely rejects most men she meets unless they match her crazy unrealistic standards.

I'm not quite getting your mindset about that.

 

[The Duke]

All you guys that worry about getting rejected better stay home.

No worries, not every one can grow thick skin. Better let the tough ones handle it. I am certain it doesnt hurt their feelers.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

[/QUOTE] everyone is different as far as what we can handle.

On the other hand, I've gotten my pubes ripped out in the most painful way possible (Brazilian wax)...something a lot of men couldn't handle.

I'd get a Brazilian wax again before I'd ask out a woman I regularly cross paths with.
[/QUOTE]

 

[BeExcellent]

Read what @BackInTheGame78 said above. You must be process oriented. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. This is why you will hear over and over "its a numbers game".

That means you make adjustments to your process and you keep going. And as your process gets more dialed in the more consistently you'll get the result you are after.

This is the very basis for the saying "Sucess is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration....." Successful people, at anything, if consistent, are process oriented.

That is also the basis for the saying "Fail your way to success". You take a fail, evaluate it, make adjustments, try again.

The key thing is try again. Lots of people quit (which obviously disqualifies you from succeeding) and then complain while refusing to own the fact that they chose to quit rather than refine the process.

It is a mindset issue gentlemen. Those who ignore rejection and keep refining themselves and their process succeed. Quitters choose to fail.

So who are you?

 

[BaronOfHair]

The arsonist, as well as the guy who made comments about wanting to kill babies, have hot wives

And when fellas this troubled were able to achieve such a thing, so can those who are less seriously disturbed, yourself included


Side note: Shockingly little has changed, since last July https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...me-to-try-with-making-moves-in-person.282277/

 

[SW15]

As for the Arizona thread, last time I checked out the thread, I remember the OP posting about how difficult the scene in Arizona is.

I am the OP on the "Observations on Phoenix's Scene" thread. Much of it was based on my time living in the Phoenix area. By the time I had started that thread, I had been out of Phoenix for 10+ years. However, I had returned to Phoenix multiple times since moving away.

The scene in Phoenix is difficult. I made mistakes. I spent too much time in the bars of Old Town Scottsdale, which is a difficult environment. This was in the era before swipe apps, but dating websites like Match and OkCupid did exist then.

I had a less pleasant experience in Phoenix than I could have had. I endured many rejections. However, I had successes as well.

Rejections are a part of the mating scene in Metro Phoenix and everywhere.

This is why you will hear over and over "its a numbers game".

That's actually erroneous information. It's not a numbers game for men doing the wrong things. If men do the wrong things in seduction, then they won't be getting laid. It's so important to get the right fundamentals and logistics.

The goal should be to reduce the number of rejections taken. The goal is to position oneself for success and few rejections.

 

[GoodMan32]

No more than being rejected for a job phases me.

I am a process oriented person, meaning I bulld out a system that works and then I know that no matter what happens, it's simply a matter of me putting enough time and effort into it while tweaking things as I go before it pays off.

So whether it's OLD, approaches in person, applying for jobs, etc, I don't get hung up on immediate results because at the end of the day I know I have a process that works for me and as long as I follow it, results will always be there once I let it play out over time.

So no, rejection doesn't phase me. If anything it drives me to work harder to overcome it.

The problem most people have is they are results oriented rather than process oriented.

Just because you get a positive result doesn't mean you have a good process for sustainable results and just because you get a bad result doesn't mean your process doesn't work.

They are two separate things.

You're right when you say just because you get a positive result doesn't mean you have a good procedure for sustainable results.

Case in point: The fact I nailed several free partners from Craigslist in my early 20s, yet have only had free sex twice in the time since my last Craigslist lay (and my last Craigslist lay was 10 years ago)

 

[GoodMan32]

All you guys that worry about getting rejected better stay home.

No worries, not every one can grow thick skin. Better let the tough ones handle it. I am certain it doesnt hurt their feelers.

In response to your insinuation I have thin skin, I revert back to my Brazilian wax reference.

I had thick enough skin (literally) to do something most men would never dare to do.

Besides, it's not the rejection itself that bothers me. Feeling like an idiot if I misread a woman's interest level is what bothers me (and then being reminded of what an idiot I am every time I run into her). That's why I've been able to attend organized singles events...I know I'm unlikely to run into any of the gals at those events again.

Read what @BackInTheGame78 said above. You must be process oriented. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. This is why you will hear over and over "its a numbers game".

That means you make adjustments to your process and you keep going. And as your process gets more dialed in the more consistently you'll get the result you are after.

This is the very basis for the saying "Sucess is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration....." Successful people, at anything, if consistent, are process oriented.

That is also the basis for the saying "Fail your way to success". You take a fail, evaluate it, make adjustments, try again.

The key thing is try again. Lots of people quit (which obviously disqualifies you from succeeding) and then complain while refusing to own the fact that they chose to quit rather than refine the process.

It is a mindset issue gentlemen. Those who ignore rejection and keep refining themselves and their process succeed. Quitters choose to fail.

So who are you?

I am a man who prefers older. You've flat out admitted on the forum before that a majority of my preferred age demographic would automatically turn me down based on age alone (even if I were neurotypical)

 

[GoodMan32]

And when fellas this troubled were able to achieve such a thing, so can those who are less seriously disturbed, yourself included


Side note: Shockingly little has changed, since last July https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...me-to-try-with-making-moves-in-person.282277/

There's been a pretty significant change since July. In the time since then, I began attending organized singles events (one of which led to a mini-date after)

Additionally, there have been 2 instances since then where I've managed to fish information out of a woman (as far as whether she's into me) without coming out and asking. That's an impressive skill. One of those instances was the gal I've posted about who works in my office building's cafe. Even though in both instances the woman turned out to not be into me, at least I was able to find out without the humiliation of a rejection.

And I found a new counselor who's better than my last one.

 

[GoodMan32]

I am the OP on the "Observations on Phoenix's Scene" thread. Much of it was based on my time living in the Phoenix area. By the time I had started that thread, I had been out of Phoenix for 10+ years. However, I had returned to Phoenix multiple times since moving away.

The scene in Phoenix is difficult. I made mistakes. I spent too much time in the bars of Old Town Scottsdale, which is a difficult environment. This was in the era before swipe apps, but dating websites like Match and OkCupid did exist then.

I had a less pleasant experience in Phoenix than I could have had. I endured many rejections. However, I had successes as well.

Rejections are a part of the mating scene in Metro Phoenix and everywhere.



That's actually erroneous information. It's not a numbers game for men doing the wrong things. If men do the wrong things in seduction, then they won't be getting laid. It's so important to get the right fundamentals and logistics.

The goal should be to reduce the number of rejections taken. The goal is to position oneself for success and few rejections.

If the Old Town bars are too difficult even for you, sounds like I have no business going to Old Town bars.

I agree it's not a numbers game for men doing the wrong things.

 

[SW15]

Besides, it's not the rejection itself that bothers me. Feeling like an idiot if I misread a woman's interest level is what bothers me (and then being reminded of what an idiot I am every time I run into her).

Interesting. I would dislike being reminded of a failure in seduction.

A misreading of a woman's interest level is a seduction failure.

If I'm asking a woman on a date, it's because I'm feeling a good vibe and feeling my odds are good.

I am a man who prefers older. You've flat out admitted on the forum before that a majority of my preferred age demographic would automatically turn me down based on age alone (even if I were neurotypical)

@BeExcellent is correct there. Most neurotypicals will experience rejections going older simply because the woman has no interest in a significantly younger man.

If the Old Town bars are too difficult even for you, sounds like I have no business going to Old Town bars.

The Old Town Scottsdale bars are quite an experience. Women are demanding there.

You would get crushed at the Old Town Scottsdale bars on a Friday or Saturday night.

 

[BeExcellent]

You're right when you say just because you get a positive result doesn't mean you have a good procedure for sustainable results.

Case in point: The fact I nailed several free partners from Craigslist in my early 20s, yet have only had free sex twice in the time since my last Craigslist lay (and my last Craigslist lay was 10 years ago)

Ok so look at your measuring stick here. It's totally faulty. Craigslist took down personal ads nearly 10 years ago. So its not even a mechanism in the current market. Nevermind that. You are going to have to leave your house and go interact with others. You think random hook up success from 10+ years ago is success? That's a blind squirrel finding a nut my friend. That is the point various people here are making.

When I say its a numbers game, that is taken with the assumption that you go try, evaluate how you did, and go try again. Over and over. And you will improve if you are going through that process, and looking at how you did.

Listen. Here is your homework assignment:

Go to dinner by yourself tonight. Go to Pomo in North Scottsdale. Go around 5. Order a ****tail. Sip it a while. Watch a little sports on TV. Linger. The place will fill up with people by 5:30 or 6. Order a meal. Its not terribly expensive. People will sit next to you. Say "Hey, how's it going?" Chat about where they like to hang out around town. Its already 5pm here. So if you can't get to Pomo, do the exact same thing at City Hall in Old Town Scottsdale. You need practice socializing. At City Hall order the chopped salad and one drink. If you want to be super cheap, have a club soda instead. Go ASAP. Wear the best dress shirt you have, and jeans and dress shoes, (brogues if you know what those are, would be ideal.) But go.

You need practice interacting with people. City Hall will have a lounge singer and be full of interesting people. You gotta eat. So consider the cost the price of getting social practice. Just like a golfer buys a bucket of balls for hitting practice.

Come back and post a field report & tell us how it goes. At that point you are taking some action & getting somewhere.

That's your assignment. Now get!

 

[BeExcellent]

And I chose Scottsdale venues for a reason. You need to go over there and understand that nobody is going to bite you. Just go get a bite (of food), observe, & chat a little.

Then come tell us how it went.

 

[corrector]

Ok so look at your measuring stick here. It's totally faulty. Craigslist took down personal ads nearly 10 years ago. So its not even a mechanism in the current market. Nevermind that. You are going to have to leave your house and go interact with others. You think random hook up success from 10+ years ago is success? That's a blind squirrel finding a nut my friend. That is the point various people here are making.

When I say its a numbers game, that is taken with the assumption that you go try, evaluate how you did, and go try again. Over and over. And you will improve if you are going through that process, and looking at how you did.

Listen. Here is your homework assignment:

Go to dinner by yourself tonight. Go to Pomo in North Scottsdale. Go around 5. Order a ****tail. Sip it a while. Watch a little sports on TV. Linger. The place will fill up with people by 5:30 or 6. Order a meal. Its not terribly expensive. People will sit next to you. Say "Hey, how's it going?" Chat about where they like to hang out around town. Its already 5pm here. So if you can't get to Pomo, do the exact same thing at City Hall in Old Town Scottsdale. You need practice socializing. At City Hall order the chopped salad and one drink. If you want to be super cheap, have a club soda instead. Go ASAP. Wear the best dress shirt you have, and jeans and dress shoes, (brogues if you know what those are, would be ideal.) But go.

You need practice interacting with people. City Hall will have a lounge singer and be full of interesting people. You gotta eat. So consider the cost the price of getting social practice. Just like a golfer buys a bucket of balls for hitting practice.

Come back and post a field report & tell us how it goes. At that point you are taking some action & getting somewhere.

That's your assignment. Now get!

Can one also bring a Tablet and watch a Netflix show or movie, while on the go, with your sound-cancelling headphones on full blast while doing it and put it on a Tablet stand while following the above advice?

I'm talking about baby steps.

1) I'm anxious about these social settings, therefore, I'll go and bring the Tablet ONCE.

2) The SECOND TIME, I'll leave it at home and try it without it since I got my foot out the door and went into said social venue or space.

This eases the anxiety away in such social situations, especially if you are on the spectrum, right?

 

[SW15]

Listen. Here is your homework assignment:

Go to dinner by yourself tonight. Go to Pomo in North Scottsdale. Go around 5. Order a ****tail. Sip it a while. Watch a little sports on TV. Linger. The place will fill up with people by 5:30 or 6. Order a meal. Its not terribly expensive. People will sit next to you. Say "Hey, how's it going?" Chat about where they like to hang out around town. Its already 5pm here. So if you can't get to Pomo, do the exact same thing at City Hall in Old Town Scottsdale. You need practice socializing. At City Hall order the chopped salad and one drink. If you want to be super cheap, have a club soda instead. Go ASAP. Wear the best dress shirt you have, and jeans and dress shoes, (brogues if you know what those are, would be ideal.) But go.

You need practice interacting with people. City Hall will have a lounge singer and be full of interesting people. You gotta eat. So consider the cost the price of getting social practice. Just like a golfer buys a bucket of balls for hitting practice.

Come back and post a field report & tell us how it goes. At that point you are taking some action & getting somewhere.

That's your assignment. Now get!

That's a decent assignment.

Why did you suggest North and Old Town Scottsdale? If I had made this assignment, I would have started at a more downscale venue. The Little Woody in East Phoenix is one example. If Old Town Scottsdale, Pattie's First Avenue Lounge or Coach House are downscale venues that have been around for decades.

Mastro's City Hall was around when I was there. It's quite upscale.

 

[BeExcellent]

That's a decent assignment.

Why did you suggest North and Old Town Scottsdale? If I had made this assignment, I would have started at a more downscale venue. The Little Woody in East Phoenix is one example. If Old Town Scottsdale, Pattie's First Avenue Lounge or Coach House are downscale venues that have been around for decades.

Mastro's City Hall was around when I was there. It's quite upscale.

Because its a Monday and he needs to grab a seat at the bar & observe how folks interact, as well as practice interacting. Few venues will be full on a Monday but both Pomo and City Hall will be. Many places in PHX are closed on Monday, while City Hall not only is open, it has live music. So people will go there.

Lots of unattached business people from elsewhere as well as locals will go there. And it is not the zoo of the weekends. I gave him the exact thing to order so as not to spend $200, which I concur, is easy to do there.

They also have great mac & cheese as a side, which comes in a skillet and is a generous enough portion to be a whole meal. I order that once in a great while. Very tasty.

Mainly he needs to go, eat, relax, chat a bit and have fun. The live music is a great excuse to go alone & enjoy the evening.

 

[SW15]

Because its a Monday and he needs to grab a seat at the bar & observe how folks interact, as well as practice interacting.

I see your point there.

Lots of unattached business people from elsewhere as well as locals will go there. And it is not the zoo of the weekends. I gave him the exact thing to order so as not to spend $200, which I concur, is easy to do there.

I had primarily been thinking about City Hall on the weekend and less so about it on Monday.

I never went to City Hall during my time in Metro Phoenix but I knew about it. I knew it wasn't my scene at the time.

Few venues will be full on a Monday but both Pomo and City Hall will be. Many places in PHX are closed on Monday, while City Hall not only is open, it has live music. So people will go there.

That is true about Mondays. It's not a strong night at bars. It's not even football season and some sports bar get crowds for Monday Night Football. However, sports bars are bad options for seduction so that's not even relevant.

Sunday night - Wednesday night in general are less crowded. It can be advantageous to stay out late on some of those nights at the right venues.

Compared to the 2000s when I first became eligible to go to bars, I think there are fewer venues that draw crowds of singles on weeknights who seek new interactions. Many bars now live off of the swipe app 1st/2nd date crowd for their weeknight business.

 

[BeExcellent]

I see your point there.



I had primarily been thinking about City Hall on the weekend and less so about it on Monday.

I never went to City Hall during my time in Metro Phoenix but I knew about it. I knew it wasn't my scene at the time.



That is true about Mondays. It's not a strong night at bars. It's not even football season and some sports bar get crowds for Monday Night Football. However, sports bars are bad options for seduction so that's not even relevant.

Sunday night - Wednesday night in general are less crowded. It can be advantageous to stay out late on some of those nights at the right venues.

Compared to the 2000s when I first became eligible to go to bars, I think there are fewer venues that draw crowds of singles on weeknights who seek new interactions. Many bars now live off of the swipe app 1st/2nd date crowd for their weeknight business.

The main thing is he needs to go. He's not a big sports guy but they will have MLB and NBA playoffs on the TVs. So there is stuff to do besides stare at the walls. He'd do well even chatting with some of the guys who hang out there, if that is who sits next to him.

As far as a downscale spot? Chopper Johns in Arcadia/Biltmore. They have a loyal group of regulars who all know each other, have decent cheap bar food, and regularly have live music on weekends. But it may be spotty on a Monday (although open). The people are cool & welcoming. I have been known to play pick up chess there (I am enough of a chess geek that I carry a chess set in my car...true story!)

He would do well to go to City Hall one evening & Chopper Johns another evening. See where he feels more comfortable & observe the different social scenes. Chopper Johns also will have sports on TV, is a small cool dive bar, and definately not upscale.

But he'd do well to check out both spots.

 

[SW15]

The main thing is he needs to go.

Let's see if he goes.

As far as a downscale spot? Chopper Johns in Arcadia/Biltmore. They have a loyal group of regulars who all know each other, have decent cheap bar food, and regularly have live music on weekends. But it may be spotty on a Monday (although open). The people are cool & welcoming. I have been known to play pick up chess there (I am enough of a chess geek that I carry a chess set in my car...true story!)

He would do well to go to City Hall one evening & Chopper Johns another evening. See where he feels more comfortable & observe the different social scenes. Chopper Johns also will have sports on TV, is a small cool dive bar, and definately not upscale.

But he'd do well to check out both spots.

Trying both an upscale and downscale spot is a good tactic to see where the fit is better.

I've had times where I've tried venues and I could tell that I was not a good fit for that venue.