The idea that rejection is nothing personal

[GoodMan32]

I've seen the idea bounced around on the internet that it's nothing personal when a woman rejects a guy.

That's the biggest bull$hit ever.

Are there some instances where a woman's rejection of a guy is nothing personal? Absolutely.

There are many instances, however, where the rejection is personal. Many times, a rejection happens because of something the guy said or did (and the rejection wouldn't have happened if he didn't say/do whatever thing drove her to reject him). It's been discussed in length on the forum about how all it takes to get rejected (or to make the woman quickly lose interest) is for the guy to say/do even one thing that gives her the ick factor.

Now for some examples of a rejection that isn't personal: If a woman rejects a guy for his looks, height, ethnicity, etc.

If she's not into your looks, height, or ethnicity, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make her want to be with you (except maybe becoming extremely wealthy)

As for me, I'd much rather get rejected for my looks, height, or ethnicity than get rejected for saying or doing the "wrong" thing. At least with a looks/height/ethnic rejection, it doesn't mean the woman thinks there's anything flawed with me personally. Alas though, I'd venture to guess way more of my rejections (as well as instances where the woman quickly loses interest) have been of the personal variety.

 

[Alvafe]

the idea of nothing personal is you don't take it serious, get the no and move on like nothing happened

don't waste time thinking about it, don't get offended by it and move to the next

 

[zekko]

Now for some examples of a rejection that isn't personal: If a woman rejects a guy for his looks, height, ethnicity, etc.

See now that is just what I would see as personal. Especially the looks. It's essentially saying you're not attractive enough to draw her interest. For something non-personal, I would see that as maybe she's married and doesn't want to cheat, or something along those lines.

 

[GoodMan32]

the idea of nothing personal is you don't take it serious, get the no and move on like nothing happened

don't waste time thinking about it, don't get offended by it and move to the next

When you get rejected the vast majority of the time, it becomes personal. You begin to think there's something wrong with you.

See now that is just what I would see as personal. Especially the looks. It's essentially saying you're not attractive enough to draw her interest. For something non-personal, I would see that as maybe she's married and doesn't want to cheat, or something along those lines.

Yeah, being married (or even having a boyfriend) falls under the "nothing personal" category. I figured that went without saying (which is why I didn't get into the "what if she's taken" thing on my OP)

One thing worth mentioning, however, is: Sometimes the "I have a boyfriend" thing is a lie (she's simply claiming to be taken because she's not into you...and is looking for an excuse to turn you down)

All in all, I suppose the exact definition of what constitutes personal vs non-personal varies from person to person. Since I'm far more likely to get rejected for something I said or did than for my looks, perhaps that's why I'm able to easily brush it off as nothing personal if a woman turns me down because of my looks (And at least I can rest assured I didn't do anything wrong. In instances where something I said or did was what turned her off, I drive myself mad trying to think of what exactly I said/did that was so "wrong")

Put another way:

If you get turned down for your looks, that means she's not into who you are on the outside.

If you get turned down (or "nexted") for something you said or did, that means she's not into who you are on the inside (in other words, who you are as a person)

 

[corrector]

I've seen the idea bounced around on the internet that it's nothing personal when a woman rejects a guy.

That's the biggest bull$hit ever.

Are there some instances where a woman's rejection of a guy is nothing personal? Absolutely.

There are many instances, however, where the rejection is personal. Many times, a rejection happens because of something the guy said or did (and the rejection wouldn't have happened if he didn't say/do whatever thing drove her to reject him). It's been discussed in length on the forum about how all it takes to get rejected (or to make the woman quickly lose interest) is for the guy to say/do even one thing that gives her the ick factor.

Now for some examples of a rejection that isn't personal: If a woman rejects a guy for his looks, height, ethnicity, etc.

If she's not into your looks, height, or ethnicity, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make her want to be with you (except maybe becoming extremely wealthy)

As for me, I'd much rather get rejected for my looks, height, or ethnicity than get rejected for saying or doing the "wrong" thing. At least with a looks/height/ethnic rejection, it doesn't mean the woman thinks there's anything flawed with me personally. Alas though, I'd venture to guess way more of my rejections (as well as instances where the woman quickly loses interest) have been of the personal variety.

One can argue that "looks" rejection does not bother you because you have a decent height (ie do you remember being rejected on height) and you are white (ie you are highly unlikely to be rejected on your race and have no issues visiting escorts as a back-up strategy, and probably know you can get a devoted asian girlfirend/wife if you are not just staying to your own race)).

With me a "looks" rejection may be more personal because I may see it a broder type of racism that is going around (ie would I have been rejected this way if I were white? I have to worry about more rejection from any so-called escort back-up strategy as the escort may not be seeing brown/black clients, an issue that you would never experience).

Being rejected on something that I did or said, I feel will always be factored into looks. (ie if I looked chad-tier where I could do no wrong, would she have still rejected me or is so high-interest that she wouldn't care?). Guys who have chad looks, can be neurodivergent and still get women...just look at @BeExcellent husband - or her example. She's dealing with a 100% neuro-divergent guy but because of his looks, he's getting away with the same thing that women are probably rejecting you with. Doesn't that make it feel personal?

Therefore, looks are absolutely the most personal aspect with me, and when you look at @BeExcellent husband, it should be for you too, lol!

 

[Mike32ct]

Interesting topic.

If you get rejected from a cold approach, you can always play the “She doesn’t really know me as a person” mental cope card. And it’s technically true. She’s rejecting you on looks and/or vibe. But those could still be personal depending on how the guy interprets it.

If you get friendzoned, it’s 100% personal because she has gotten to know you first. And she has confirmed that you aren’t good enough.

 

[SW15]

Most rejections are going to be soft no's, especially in non-bar venues. Conversations will typically fizzle out before a man offers to arrange a future get together.

Most of the soft no's are someone not seeking new penis at the moment. The majority of women 18-49 aren't seeking new penis at any given moment that they are approached in a non-bar venue. However, they do not disclose that information during the conversation so the man will never know the truth.

The workaround to this is to immediately ask women out on a future get together, but that's likely to bring out more hard no's.

If an approach happens at a nightlife life, a soft no means more. Bars/nightlife venues are places where women go seeking new penis.

Hard no's are usually a function of not liking the man. A man can get a direct rejection (hard no) when a woman isn't seeking new penis. For women already in relationships, it means that the man didn't offer enough value for her to entertain his offer. Sometimes that value threshold is extremely high. There are times where a man can get a yes even if the woman hadn't previously been considering new penis (in a relationship) if he is charismatic and persuasive enough.

Getting a hard no when you've qualified the woman as being a woman not in a relationship and seeking new penis is a personal rejection of the man.

 

[zekko]

One thing worth mentioning, however, is: Sometimes the "I have a boyfriend" thing is a lie (she's simply claiming to be taken because she's not into you...and is looking for an excuse to turn you down)

A lot of guys around here seem to assume that every time a girl says "I have a boyfriend", she's lying, and just saying that as a way to reject you without drama. I think it's more likely to be true, since most girls have boyfriends. The question is, how happy are they with them? Are they guys they want to stick with, or they just placeholders?

If you get turned down (or "nexted") for something you said or did, that means she's not into who you are on the inside (in other words, who you are as a person)

I don't know, I'm not every silly thing that I say, especially to strangers. On the other hand, if you get the vibe that she doesn't like your personality, that's pretty personal.

 

[plumber]

this is a common thing. the thing is if to worry or not worry about it. of course not worry sounds better.

we don't ask every woman, only some of them. and we select based on some list of things... well so do they.

just like some days we feel off, other days really off. so do they.

spend more thought and self talk time in turning up some skill or ability you have. literally change focus to growth instead of defense.

--

if I get a no or resistance or a yes or compliance, its personal. i wanted it, me myself and I. but should I worry about it ????

 

[BaronOfHair]

I've seen the idea bounced around on the internet that it's nothing personal when a woman rejects a guy.

That's the biggest bull$hit ever.

Yeah... You can CHOOSE to make it personal

 

[corrector]

A lot of guys around here seem to assume that every time a girl says "I have a boyfriend", she's lying, and just saying that as a way to reject you without drama. I think it's more likely to be true, since most girls have boyfriends. The question is, how happy are they with them? Are they guys they want to stick with, or they just placeholders?

That is more of a personal rejection if she's telling the truth and is not happy with the other guy or using them as a placeholder then if she is either genuinely happy with the other guy or she's lying about it. I mean you've got to be really bad for her to choose a guy she doesn't want to be with over you. I don't think women are generally single unless they are 304s or on a rebound so the chances of her lying about it are slim, or there is something wrong with her for being chronically single in the first place that is putting off other guys and you just didn't figure out what it is so that's not really a rejection if she's lying about it. Also if she's happy with her SO that is not a rejection either.

 

[BaronOfHair]

You begin to think there's something wrong with you

When you walk up to a girl wearing a T-Shirt with "Winger" emblazoned across the front, then try to woo her with a compendium of your favorite Lily Singh quotes or photos of The El Mozote Massacre, you likely have sh-t to work through

 

[zekko]

That is more of a personal rejection if she's telling the truth and is not happy with the other guy or using them as a placeholder then if she is either genuinely happy with the other guy or she's lying about it. I mean you've got to be really bad for her to choose a guy she doesn't want to be with over you.

If she's going out with the guy and has him as a boyfriend, even as a placeholder, obviously she likes the guy on some level. She didn't reject him - not completely. She went out with the guy, and is most likely having sex with him. But some girls are chronically single, as you note, and I agree that is a red flag. I've known some girls who are commitment-phobes, and while they might make good sex partners, they definitely have issues. Then there are girls who are married, but they don't care, they will have sex with you anyway.

 

[BaronOfHair]

If she's going out with the guy and has him as a boyfriend, even as a placeholder, obviously she likes the guy on some level. She didn't reject him - not completely

And for all we know, she's seen Audition https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Audition_(1999_film) one too many times, is now committed to recreating her favorite scenes in reality, and has picked this dude to be her stand-in for Shigeharu Hardly a fate to be envious of

 

[Barrister]

The idea of not taking it “personal” is to not let it bother you and not sit there wondering exactly what OP is wondering. “Oh she isn’t interested in a date what is WRONG with me???”

Women are often very mercurial by nature and it is hard to explain why they do what they do. Example, I matched with a girl on bumble. She immediately sent me a message after we matched. I responded. She then sent me an audio recorded message asking me questions about myself. I didn’t immediately respond. Then without warning she unmatched me!

I’m not going to sit here and wonder what’s “wrong” with me from her perspective. It doesn’t matter what she didn’t like. Maybe she didn’t like my nose or maybe her husband caught her. It’s dumb to wonder.

Have thicker skin, OP. And onto the next.

 

[JacquesMemoirs]

Plenty of women are cruel and selfish scumbags.

Plenty of women do enjoy rejecting men in various ways, usually done indirectly or passive aggressively. They like to damage men socially behind their backs. In other words they are mean as hell and they get away with it easily. It helps to trust your gut instinct if you think a babe is a nasty scumbag she probably is.

 

[GoodMan32]

One can argue that "looks" rejection does not bother you because you have a decent height (ie do you remember being rejected on height) and you are white (ie you are highly unlikely to be rejected on your race and have no issues visiting escorts as a back-up strategy, and probably know you can get a devoted asian girlfirend/wife if you are not just staying to your own race)).

With me a "looks" rejection may be more personal because I may see it a broder type of racism that is going around (ie would I have been rejected this way if I were white? I have to worry about more rejection from any so-called escort back-up strategy as the escort may not be seeing brown/black clients, an issue that you would never experience).

Being rejected on something that I did or said, I feel will always be factored into looks. (ie if I looked chad-tier where I could do no wrong, would she have still rejected me or is so high-interest that she wouldn't care?). Guys who have chad looks, can be neurodivergent and still get women...just look at @BeExcellent husband - or her example. She's dealing with a 100% neuro-divergent guy but because of his looks, he's getting away with the same thing that women are probably rejecting you with. Doesn't that make it feel personal?

Therefore, looks are absolutely the most personal aspect with me, and when you look at @BeExcellent husband, it should be for you too, lol!

You make some good points. I don't recall ever getting rejected for my height (at least no one's ever said my height was a problem when rejecting me).

Are there some gals who'd think 5'9" is too short? Absolutely. I have enough other issues (autism as well as all the baggage that comes with it), however, my height is way down on the list of reasons a woman would reject me. Plus, it's not like I'm 5 foot 4 (if I were 5 foot 4, many a woman would reject me before even picking up on the fact there's something off about me)

Also a good point about how my ethnicity alone is unlikely to hold me back in terms of getting a woman (While there are some gals who don't want White men, more than enough gals do. Plus there's the strategy you mentioned of finding an Asian woman. There's also the strategy I've had some degree of success with of finding a Latina who doesn't speak enough English to pick up on some of my socially awkward commentary)

As for @BeExcellent's husband, his looks combined with his high income are why he's had much better luck than me with the ladies. While I remain adamant I'm above average in terms of looks, I'm going to guess he's better-looking than me (having no idea what he looks like, I'm basing my assessment on how he's been described on the forum). If I had an income as high as his, however, I'd probably do better with the ladies than I currently do (even if not as good as him). All in all, I don't feel personally slighted by the fact he does better than me sexually. Being born neurotypical would make more of a difference for me than having Chad-tier looks.

 

[GoodMan32]

Interesting topic.

If you get rejected from a cold approach, you can always play the “She doesn’t really know me as a person” mental cope card. And it’s technically true. She’s rejecting you on looks and/or vibe. But those could still be personal depending on how the guy interprets it.

If you get friendzoned, it’s 100% personal because she has gotten to know you first. And she has confirmed that you aren’t good enough.

Well-said.

One thing I'm going to add: Even if she's into your looks and vibes, you still might get rejected on a cold approach simply because the woman doesn't know you (some won't accept a cold approach no matter how attracted they are to him)

Perhaps the phenomenon you pointed out (where a guy can brush off a cold approach rejection with "oh well, that woman simply doesn't know me") is why I (with no nervousness whatsoever) was able to go through a phase at 23 where I'd go up to total strangers in public and ask if they'd like to come over for sex, yet asking a woman I know well on a simple date gives me crippling levels of nervousness.

A lot of guys around here seem to assume that every time a girl says "I have a boyfriend", she's lying, and just saying that as a way to reject you without drama. I think it's more likely to be true, since most girls have boyfriends. The question is, how happy are they with them? Are they guys they want to stick with, or they just placeholders?



I don't know, I'm not every silly thing that I say, especially to strangers. On the other hand, if you get the vibe that she doesn't like your personality, that's pretty personal.

I've mentioned on the forum before about how a girl I went to college with asked me for assistance with an assignment in the computer lab. I was all set to pull up a chair...yet then she scooted over in her seat (and insisted I sit in the same one-person chair as her). Yet when I shot my shot, I got the "I have a boyfriend" line.

I don't buy the boyfriend excuse. Insisting another guy sit in the same single occupancy chair as you doesn't sound like the behavior of a girl who has a boyfriend.

My hypothesis: The girl found me physically attractive, yet couldn't bring herself to date me because of my social awkwardness.

 

[GoodMan32]

Yeah... You can CHOOSE to make it personal

When you're known as the creepy freak of the school, where girls at your high school dread the thought of you being into her, that's the textbook definition of personal.

If she's going out with the guy and has him as a boyfriend, even as a placeholder, obviously she likes the guy on some level. She didn't reject him - not completely. She went out with the guy, and is most likely having sex with him. But some girls are chronically single, as you note, and I agree that is a red flag. I've known some girls who are commitment-phobes, and while they might make good sex partners, they definitely have issues. Then there are girls who are married, but they don't care, they will have sex with you anyway.

If I was unwilling to get with a married woman, my body count of free partners would be lower.

The idea of not taking it “personal” is to not let it bother you and not sit there wondering exactly what OP is wondering. “Oh she isn’t interested in a date what is WRONG with me???”

Women are often very mercurial by nature and it is hard to explain why they do what they do. Example, I matched with a girl on bumble. She immediately sent me a message after we matched. I responded. She then sent me an audio recorded message asking me questions about myself. I didn’t immediately respond. Then without warning she unmatched me!

I’m not going to sit here and wonder what’s “wrong” with me from her perspective. It doesn’t matter what she didn’t like. Maybe she didn’t like my nose or maybe her husband caught her. It’s dumb to wonder.

Have thicker skin, OP. And onto the next.

There's a big difference between a Bumble girl you've never met in person vs girls you already know in person.

When you have a track record of being unwanted by those who already know you, it begs the question of what you're doing wrong.

 

[Barrister]

There's a big difference between a Bumble girl you've never met in person vs girls you already know in person.

When you have a track record of being unwanted by those who already know you, it begs the question of what you're doing wrong.

You’re losing me a bit with this. So you’re saying your OP was more about social circle approaches? Co-workers? What? In some ways these are tougher approaches under certain circumstances.

Regardless, it actually changes nothing about what I said. Part of your issue is you’re constantly looking for excuses for your own failures with women and post about it nonstop. You need a new mindset that isn’t so negative. Until you get one, you will continue to struggle. You probably DO need to change what you’re doing - but couching it based upon striking out with a woman is not the way to go. Even if you’re doing well, you are going to have misses. Sometimes many of them.