the id vs the ego: why do we control ourselves so much?

[Slickster]

Didn't you know what playa rappa boy was when you started seeing him?

Why did you open yourself up to a guy like that?

Did you think he would change? Or you would change him?

Just a couple questions. I don't want you to answer them to me or the rest of us. Just answer them for yourself.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by ManOMan

then reread it, shred it and toss it. Then come back and tell us if you feel any better.

i know that method. i am a writer, remember? that sh!t works, but not with sh!t like this.

i don't like to have all this pain, and not know if the other person understands WHY they hurt me.

and how?!

with most people, whatever. they aren't worth my time.

but with some people, i don't know if i believe anymore that that is the way to go. to just keep it to yourself because YOU are better than that.
i thought that WE were better than that!?? we, us, friends, and more.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Slickster
Didn't you know what playa rappa boy was when you started seeing him?

Why did you open yourself up to a guy like that?

Did you think he would change? Or you would change him?

Just a couple questions. I don't want you to answer them to me or the rest of us. Just answer them for yourself.

well i am going to answer them anyways because i am pissed.

we became friends! we were very close! when someone trusts you, cares about you, truly likes and respects you, how can you still think they would have the smae ill intentions towards you that they would towards any ho on the street?

i am not saying i thought i could change him. i am saying that sh!t DID change! that is why i changed my fcuking rotten opinion of him in the first place!

so what he was like that in the beginning. he became my friend, and that doesn't make that sh!t right.

don't use me, abuse my trust and mutual respect, then call yourself my fcuking friend and then act confused as to why i might not appreciate what you are trying to do to me. don't turn sh!t around when i decide enough is enough, and belittle the fact that you liked me just as much as i liked you.

no that sh!t is NOT right.

 

[ManOMan]

In all your crazy silly posts, this is the only one I actually feel sympathy for you.

You want to find out WHY he would diss your friendship like that.

What reasons can you come up with?

I would think you either secretly wanted more than a friendship and he felt trapped, he is just a cold hearted ass, or you were a better friend to him than he was to you (some people just dont value something, they dont know how)

I think you should seriously confront him when you cool down. Its a big risk, he might make you feel even worse.

But if you seek answers, resolution or closure, you need to do this.

then report back.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

My time is precious, so I'll be brief.

1) We control ourselves so much because without subverting all our desires and impulses to our conscious will we are simply animals, and poor specimens at that. Indulge your primalism at the expense of your will and you deny that spark of the Divine which makes us the pre-eminent species on earth.

2) Its okay to be able to adjust, compromise, and let minor stuff go for the sake of a harmoneous relationship. At some point though, you have to draw the line and that line is drawn at your self-respect. If you don't stand up for yourself then no one else will.

On that note...Fvck everybody else. Their perception will never change your reality nor is it for them to judge. Spend your life seeking the approval of others and you'll only end up old, miserable, and unfulfilled because you will never find it. Concentrate on yourself, and all the other crap will fall into place.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[Don Ronny]

You are a writer and you dont even see the irony here.

Only someone with an EGO can be offended in the first place!

You proclaim how we should not give a fukk about peoples perceptions of us, yet here you are, crying over some other person who perceives you a certain way, be it a slvt, a chump or a fool. If you really practiced what you preach then you would not need to throw snowballs or this silly tantrum you have posted here.

His opinions and for that matter, OURS would not matter at all if you were this self contained ball of ID you so long to be. I almost want to feel sorry for you, but you stuck your own head in this beartrap.

Typical chick behavior..cant take responsibilty for your own actions! Its ALWAYS the guys fault, or things "just happened"

Just admit you love every second of this drama and spare us tha sob story, sister.

Sorry if I offend you, but I had to speak my mind!

 

[ManOMan]

meh, no reason to kick a person when they are already down

She may be a drama queen, but she still hurts like eevryone else

 

[Don Ronny]

This forum has become over-run by supplicating pvssies.

Originally posted by ManOMan
meh, no reason to kick a person when they are already down

She may be a drama queen, but she still hurts like eevryone else

Sometimes people need to be kicked back to their senses, ManOMan.

Often when you give someone your pity, you are doing them and yourself no service at all.

Compassion and sympathy are 2 diffrent things. I dont feel sorry for someone who put themselves in a fiery situation and then wonders why they got burned. This person has to learn! And the only way this will happen is with the realization that we reap exactly what we sew.

Also, didnt everyone try to warn her in this thread?

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=46589

Isnt this the same girl who wanted to play all these games with guys emotions "just for fun"? Why yes it is! Read this thread...

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=44506

I call this cosmic justice. The player chick got played!

Lets see if she learns her lesson....

 

[DEKKA]

the reason is simple. it's human nature.

 

[dollashort]

firstly you were talking about how we try and control ourselves to try and elicit certain emotions in people, try to control how they feel towards us, and how we end up having to go through feelings on our own when we could have been sharing those feelings with others if only we were real and just "went out with a bang" and reacted and talked what was really on our minds.

how we would have experienced acceptance alot more often and how we would not had so much inner anger building up.

iqqi

im just wondering how the fvck a beneficial topic like that changed so badly.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by iqqi
well i am going to answer them anyways because i am pissed.

we became friends! we were very close! when someone trusts you, cares about you, truly likes and respects you, how can you still think they would have the smae ill intentions towards you that they would towards any ho on the street?

i am not saying i thought i could change him. i am saying that sh!t DID change! that is why i changed my fcuking rotten opinion of him in the first place!

so what he was like that in the beginning. he became my friend, and that doesn't make that sh!t right.

don't use me, abuse my trust and mutual respect, then call yourself my fcuking friend and then act confused as to why i might not appreciate what you are trying to do to me. don't turn sh!t around when i decide enough is enough, and belittle the fact that you liked me just as much as i liked you.

no that sh!t is NOT right.

Iqqi,

The only point I was trying to make is this:

It seems to me that there usually comes a time in a young woman's life when she realizes she no longer has time for these bad-boy player types. If you have any older girlfriends I'm sure they can all tell you stories about the types of losers they USED to date. I'm sure they laugh about it now because they have lived, learned and grown from those experiences.

You knew this guy was a player. Hell, he's even some kind of musician/rapper. What did you think was going to happen? Be honest with yourself.

It doesn't matter how good your friendship was or how much he cares for you, or how much respect you think he had for you, or whether he told you it was an exclusive relationship etc.

The guy is a PLAYER. The guy is a DOG. He's not going to change for you or anyone. He'll tell you anything to get in your pants. I'm sure many of the DJ's here on this board do the same kind of things all the time. Which makes this thread kind of ironic indeed.

So in the end you fell for the wrong guy. You're hurt, you're pissed, you feel like wringing his neck. It happens every day and I'm sure you aren't the only chick that your player has screwed around.

The only thing you can do is learn from it all iqqi.

If you demand more from your relationships and yourself then you'll have to learn to be more selective with the people you give your heart to.

I don't mean to be harsh Iqqi. I like you and feel for ya. Just telling you like it is.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Don Ronny
Only someone with an EGO can be offended in the first place!

no sh!t that is why i called it ego (caring about outside opinion, and controlling yourself) vs the id (the irrational part of you that acts on desire and emotion RIGHT NOW). id's are not at all a

Originally posted by Don Ronny
self contained ball

quite the opposite. to answer your other questions about rappaboy i already said that

Originally posted by myself
i am saying that sh!t DID change! that is why i changed my fcuking rotten opinion of him in the first place!

so that is really irrelevant. and as for the thread about the date with the ex, we got over that and it was never an issue again. i am not above forgiving someone's mistakes.


anyways as for an update. we had a long phone conversation while i was gone from here. at first there was some yelling, a few heated pauses that would have been hang-ups, if we didn't care to get it right. but we did. we got through the "what the fcuk were you thinking"s and "how could you say/do that"s and a few "fcuk you"s to the real deal.

he is scared to trust women. he never wanted to get so close to me but he is and sometimes he does stupid sh!t in his confusion of the situation. i already knew that.
i am not the type of girl who will just let that sh!t go over and over. he already knew that.

the parts where he acted like i wanted to be with him but he wasn't trying to be with me? bullsh!t. it never happened like that. we both want it. as he put it i am "his main thing, the best thing". buuuut he is scared of it and i am tired of it. he is holding back, and doing stupid things that i can't deal with. he sounded hurt and disappointed, but it was really his choice. why would i stick around and let him play me because he is scared i'll play him. no time for that.

things are fine between us. alot of regret but things are on the table and understood and clear. and all good.

i am glad i did this. i learned the lesson i was asking at the beginning of the thread.

Originally posted by dollashort
firstly you were talking about how we try and control ourselves to try and elicit certain emotions in people, try to control how they feel towards us, and how we end up having to go through feelings on our own when we could have been sharing those feelings with others if only we were real and just "went out with a bang" and reacted and talked what was really on our minds.

this is what you just watched unfold, dollashort. a few months ago i would have left him with his fcuked up words knowing that he knew i was the best thing going for him, and i would have left him with the impression that i didn't give a sh!t and i was better off. all in the name of manipulating what he thought i thought and felt. understand? i could have came across as untouchable and left him wondering forever.

well i do give a sh!t, he is worth my time and what we had was worth putting it all out there. fcuk him thinking that i am above this sh!t and better than that. i wanted him to know and understand EXACTLY how i felt.

with my previous ex i didn't do that. and i can't let it go because instead of letting it out, i held it in so that i could come across a certain way. so now i am still dealing with wanting to let him know. and that is still my issue until i figure out what is more important. how i appear or how i feel.

making sense?

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Slickster
It seems to me that there usually comes a time in a young woman's life when she realizes she no longer has time for these bad-boy player types.
You knew this guy was a player. Hell, he's even some kind of musician/rapper. What did you think was going to happen? Be honest with yourself.

hahahaa, i know all this slick. but my first opinion of him was not all the way true. afterall, his favorite movie is love jones, and he is a little beyotch emotionally.

j/k kind of. i knew that he was afraid of commitment from the beginning. i knew that he might not take that chance when it came down to it. but i also know that he will regret that later.

not only that, but he wouldn't have been able to truly dog me out. that is why all of our fights were over petty stupid sh!t. he was testing, and failing on my part as well as his own. most of what he did was on purpose and to get a reaction from me. i just got tired of that sh!t so i called it out and now it is out there for exmination, and i am gone from it. ok?

thanks tho, you always give sound, if safe, advice.

 

[Don Ronny]

Originally posted by iqqi
Everything between us is cool, but **** HIM for blblablablabla

making sense?

No. In fact, your logic is completely alien to me.

If I were him, I´d be scared to LTR you as well.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Don Ronny
No. In fact, your logic is completely alien to me.

If I were him, I´d be scared too.

but hahahaha, you are funny.

we agree to disagree. now to get onto other ideas, what do you really think of the original question? you are smart sometimes....

what is more important do you think? read my first post and the ones following it, and ignore my other posts about rappaboy. that was just pure emotion and anger.

 

[iqqi]

Re: My time is precious, so I'll be brief.

Originally posted by CyranoDeBergerac
it's okay to be able to adjust, compromise, and let minor stuff go for the sake of a harmoneous relationship. At some point though, you have to draw the line and that line is drawn at your self-respect. If you don't stand up for yourself then no one else will.

On that note...Fvck everybody else. Their perception will never change your reality nor is it for them to judge. Spend your life seeking the approval of others and you'll only end up old, miserable, and unfulfilled because you will never find it. Concentrate on yourself, and all the other crap will fall into place.

-CyranoDeBergerac

am agreeing to this.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Slickster
Think about it iqqi. He is probably still regretting cheating on you. By you acting mature and above his lowlife a$$ you indirectly hurt him more than any yelling screaming or snowballs would. See what I mean. By being mature about it you pass the pain, regret, and the demons on to him. If he really was a good guy with any integrity you better believe those demons are there.
(If he doesn't have any regrets your better off anyway.)

However, if you did take the yelling, screaming, snowball route then he just breathes a sigh of relief and thinks "Man, I'm sure glad I got rid of that psycho chick when I did."

Stick to higher ground girl. That way you are still gold and he's out in the cold.

Later.

and i really feel you on this one, slick. but i don't feel good! i know i look good. but i don't feel good.

i feel alot better about what happened with rappaboy, because we both let it all out. with mentalman? i don't sit well. and whenever i get mad about something else, that is a fire that always flares up again. because i think it may have been wiser to "black out" on his ass, then to just let it go so smoothly. for me. not him.

 

[Señor Fingers]

Interesting question ix.

Id? Ego? Better? Worse? It all depends. Either extreme can be destructive, from a person who tramples everyone they meet without a second thought, to a person who wont make a single move without the approval of others...who is the bigger fool?

I would have to say that this is really a matter of personal expression vs. social expectation. Of course we have to filter our behavior to a certain extent, otherwise I would be humping legs on the street like a rabid dog and pissing on the people I dont like. Society expects us to behave in a civilized manner, meaning that we are in control of our ID impulses.

However, this can prove to be a double-edged sword because often times we carry this implied social obligation into realms where it doesnt belong. We start to walk on eggshells around people instead of expressing ourselves and this only bottles up the emotions and makes things worse over time.

It is so much easier to nip sh!t in the bud than let our repressed emotions grow like wild weeds that take root over time and choke our hearts with bitterness!

Ultimately, I believe you should strive for that fine balance between keeping your cool and totally losing it. Its one thing to turn minor disagreements into full-blown wars and entirely another to let someone walk all over you.

Discovering this fine line is simply a matter of understanding your own tolerance for BS and setting standards for yourself. The real question you should be asking is WHO is setting these standards? Are you the leaf blowing merciless in the wind of others expectations? Or are you the wind that sets its own course, leaving the trees singing in your wake.

(Hehe I just went on a longggg hike.. can you tell?)

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Señor Fingers
However, this can prove to be a double-edged sword because often times we carry this implied social obligation into realms where it doesnt belong. We start to walk on eggshells around people instead of expressing ourselves and this only bottles up the emotions and makes things worse over time.

i am definately learning this lesson. i know how to fight fair. it was just a matter of realizing that manipulating others perceptions was not the best or healthiest way to go for ME. the more of an impact the person has on you, the more they should know whats up. so i think that is something i will do from now on, i will not try to control perceptions, i will let my emotions out if they should be let out!

but for past wrongs, what would you do? if you were holding onto anger that should be expired, but not for you, what would you do? it is complex.

Originally posted by Señor Fingers
It is so much easier to nip sh!t in the bud than let our repressed emotions grow like wild weeds that take root over time and choke our hearts with bitterness!

Are you the leaf blowing merciless in the wind of others expectations? Or are you the wind that sets its own course, leaving the trees singing in your wake.

ahhh, beautiful....and thought provoking. i am the wind, baybee! i am a tornado that rips through, unless i have my eye on you....

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by iqqi
i always find myself with this same argument whenever i get the urge to do something i know i shouldn't. i get to thinking, well why shouldn't i? because someone might think something undesireable about me?

.

I was about to say something like "Only girls are overtly carefull about other people's opinions about them. Then i remembered you ARE a girl, LOL .