The Hidden Truth Behind Oneitis

[Nine Breaker]

When a guy finds himself afflicted with an overwhelming infatuation with one particular woman, commonly referred to here as oneitis, it is often very hard to be able to shake off this powerful feeling.

True, there are those of us who will simply act upon their emotions and strive towards some sort of conclusion with this certain woman, whether it be asking her out or getting her in bed or whatever else, but for many others it is not quite that simple.

The recent uprising of multiple threads on how to beat this oneitis, and the high degree of interest these threads have received is testament to the simple fact that oneitis is a powerful feeling that many here struggle with, or at least have done at some point.

However, beating a current hit of oneitis isn't going to erase the occurence of future infatuations, even if it does help to ease the symptoms later on. "Prevention is better than cure", as they say in the medical profession.

One great problem with having oneitis is that it really messes up your abilities to take a chance with that certain woman, for the simple reason that your infatuation has built up something that appeals to you so greatly that you really don't want to risk losing it. Not only this, but it also means that your advancements with other women are hindered because your feelings towards that one girl are going to consistently get in the way.

This happens because our minds get lazy.

When there is a woman we feel strongly towards, it simulates those "lovey" feelings in our unconscious minds, even if that woman doesn't show too much interest in you (or knows you even exist). We keep on thinking that there is a special girl out there that makes us happy just thinking about. There lies the danger. Since we unconsciously have something that makes us somewhat happy, we don't want to risk losing it.

Ironically, you find yourself alone bacause you have an overwhelming fear of being alone.

Some people often say that the best way to beat this idly pointless behaviour is to go out and focus on other women, to find someone else or just to sleep with tons and tons of women. Sure, it may get your mind of the first girl, but in many cases it merely shifts your infatuation to a different woman.

One of the best ways to live a good life is to act upon your emotions. Actions bear consequences. The best way to beat infatuation (and hence, the dreaded oneitis) is to act upon your feelings - by making a move on that one woman (whatever that move you want to make is). This doesn't mean you are going to get the girl or not, but either way you are going to get a clear outcome - a solid standing on where you should go next.

If, however, the problem is that you have been shot down by that one woman, and you are STILL infatuated by her (shame on you!), then your next move is further action. But, this action is not directed towards that woman. Far from it, your actions should be directed AWAY from that woman. Find something to dedicate yourself to with determination - whether it be learning, hobbies, working out, or going out with mates and having a few laughs. The idea here is to make yourself so damn busy that you don't have the time to be thinking about some woman that wants to find the second-best guy out there.

After all, the very least you deserve is to be with someone that wants to be with you as strongly. What sort of happiness could you possibly get from some woman that won't do a thing for you?

 

[Ice Cold]

I disagree.

What you have one-itis, you're sometimes close to stuttering when talking to your object of desire.

Sure, talkking (stuttering) to her would be action, but I am not sure it would lead to desireable results.

Cheers

 

[Maxtro]

That is basically the situation that I am in. I have near or full blown oneitis for a girl at my school. She is the most desired girl in that class and I think there are about 4 guys after her. But none of the guys seem to make any real effort to get her. I’m the only guy who walks with her and her friend to the parking lot.

In the beginning of the semester she may have had some interest in me but when I talked to her yesterday she showed none. After class my sprit was killed and I didn’t even bother walking with her.

I really want to ask her out but I’m afraid of what she will think of me afterwards. I know I shouldn’t give a damn what she thinks but I do. I would rather her think of me as the guy who sits next to and talks to her every once in a while instead of the guy she rejected. I currently live for validation from women and her interest was my motivation but now she’s not showing any I don’t have any energy to go on. The last thing I want to do is ask her out while I’m in a down, depressed, nervous, lonely and needy state. I would obviously get a rejection and she would get a poor image in her mind of me.

Are there any tips on how to confront your oneitis girl with a good state of mind so the odds of her accepting are maximized? Friday is going to be the last day I see her for a week then its spring break. I need to know her response but unless I’m feeling very confident or happy I’m going to walk right by her and then hate myself for the whole fallowing week.

 

[LikRetsam]

Max... sigh dude. You're 22 and posting stuff like that? This isn't even about sosuave or being a DJ, that last post was sad. Read the DJ bible man, no way anyone can save you in one post. Just read the bible.

 

[Maxtro]

Oye, to get told that by somebody much younger than me, thats sad. I am what happens when a guy continues to have zero success with women. Your age brings back memories. Freshman in High School, I had sworn of women after getting blown off by my Jr. High crush. It was also before I had my sophmore year crush which of course didnt' work. Ah it was fun to be young. Oh well I'm going to have a life changeing event soon enough, I'll see what happens after that.

I'm reading but I'm only at the beginning.

 

[CrzyBadBoyDJ]

Good luck with that **** man. Let me us know how it goes.

 

[Zoso]

I currently live for validation from women

It's interesting that you would say that. After spending some time here, I eventually realized that this was the same problem I had. I've had a few serious cases of oneitis, but I was always the type of guy who was ice cold towards basically all girls; I had a powerful instinctive drive to hide my feelings and my interest, so I would never smile, make eye contact, even approach them even though I was desperately interested.

The thing is, it was never really focused on sex. At the time I thought this was because I was "better" than that, that I acually cared about her as a person while all the other guys just wanted to get some. She was attractive of course, but I was mostly interested in a relationship. I realize now that there is a reason why it was never focused on sex; this was because my true desire was psychological, not physical.

A oneitis is a girl who is "perfect." A girl who, in your eyes, has an immeasureable value. She's the perfect 10, the ideal. (This is false, of course, but oneitis goes hand in hand with tunnel vision.) As someone of value, then, her acceptance or rejection of you determines your own value. On some subconsious level, I believed that if I could be with her, I could be happy with who I was. She would give my life meaning, she would be my validation.

The painful irony of oneitis is the state of limbo that it leaves you in. You put so much stake in her acceptance or rejection that you are left paralyzed, unable to approach because of the exaggerated fear of rejection. You end up going day after day feeling tormented that you could have her but don't. Had you just approached from the beginning you would at least have closure, but instead the situation is drawn out and ambiguous. You may never know what she really feels for you.

I agree that if you really want to beat the oneitis, you have to act on it. However, if you're desperate and depressed, you should deal with that first, or you won't make a good impression. You need to realize that she is just a regular person. She will not make you happy even if she were to accept you, because whatever perfect life with her you've built up in your mind is a fantasy that has no basis in reality. She can't make you happy; you have to make yourself happy. She has no more real value than the next girl. You do not need her validation.

Relying on someone else to validate your life is passive. It is weak. It means you have no control over your life or who you are. This is not attractive. Remove her (and any other girls) from the picture that is your life, and take a look at what's left. What would you change about it? Decide that, and then go do it. Work out, learn an instrument, whatever; develop your talents, learn to be independent.

Only after you have your life under control should you worry about getting this girl. It sounds like you're feeling a sense of urgency, like you have to ask her out as soon as possible, but that could be a mistake. Rather than giving her some kind of "will you go out with me" ultimatum, make it natural and take your time. Don't be afraid to show your interest, just don't act desperate. Don't worry about lines or patterns or strategies. Just talk to her more. Be friendly (i.e. smile, eye contact, relaxed convo. These are extremely important and should be used for everyone, not just this girl). Try a little simple kino. Tease her, flirt with her, make her laugh. Throughout all of this, guage her reactions. Watch her body language. Wide eyes, dilated pupils, smiling, leaning in towards you, open posture, reciprocated kino (!), these are all indications of interest. Once she is showing you these signs, that is the natural time to ask her out. If you wait too long while she's showing interest without taking it to the next level, she may lose what interest she had.

Once again, keep it simple and natural when you ask her out. If she says no, take it calmly and as though it's no big deal. If you become awkward about it then so will she, but being cool about it could mean that you can at least stay on good terms with each other. And if you've been improving yourself and taking control of your life and making your own happiness, then even if she rejects you, it won't be the end of the world.

Wow, this turned out to be a lot longer than I had intended... Hopefully it helps you. Keep reading the bible and the other good info on this site, and good luck.

 

[Maxtro]

I like your definition of oneitis. Mainly because according to you I don’t have it. I would rate her about an 8. I can name many things about her that I don’t like. But what she has is still enough to get me thinking about her almost constantly. I believe that if I was with her my life would be a lot more fun. I wouldn’t be sitting at my computer all day every day. I would also find out what the whole deal with sex is and what I am missing.

Right now my life is a puzzle and it’s missing several pieces that fall under the category “women,” sex, love, happiness, friendship, support. My life feels incomplete with out them and I can’t bring myself to do anything else. I’m on my way to blowing a second semester of college because I can’t get a girl. I honestly can’t see the point in trying to live without having girls. Too me nothing is more important.

The painful irony of oneitis is the state of limbo that it leaves you in. You put so much stake in her acceptance or rejection that you are left paralyzed, unable to approach because of the exaggerated fear of rejection. You end up going day after day feeling tormented that you could have her but don't. Had you just approached from the beginning you would at least have closure, but instead the situation is drawn out and ambiguous. You may never know what she really feels for you.

I completely agree with this. What makes it worse is that my brain practically melts when I am around her. All confidence that I thought I had vanishes and I can’t think of anything smooth to say and when I finally do talk to her its not what I want to talk to her about. I may have had the confidence to approach her today but the chance was ruined when she decided to leave class early and now I won’t be able to talk to her till two weeks from now, spring break. Talk about having no closure. But she has rejected me once but it was with a very valid reason so I don’t know if she was rejecting me or the situation. Now that I can’t act on it I am screwed, I do NOT want to think of her everyday for the next ten days.

I can’t accept that she is a regular person. To me she is an attractive female and all of them are better than me. Terrible way of thinking, I know.

Right now I have no life. No hobbies, no talents, no job, no friends. I don’t know why I get up everyday. But I feel that if I was with a girl my life would have meaning.

One thing about this girl is that it didn’t matter to her if I was there. Her best friend was always with her so she didn’t need anybody to keep her company. I feel that I could have gotten her by now if I had more chances to talk to her without anybody joining in.

As for my life changing event it requires that I gather a couple hundred dollars, I’m sure anybody can guess what I will use the money on but I’m not going to say anything more than, that I’m fed up with being what I am. I might not even do it if all the pieces don't come togther.

 

[legolas]

Where oneitis REALLY comes from

I currently live for validation from women and her interest was my motivation

All these posts here prove one thing and one thing only. Oneitis comes from neediness!!!! That's it. As simple as that. The need can be anything, need for female attention, need for intimacy, need for sex, or need for recognition, etc. And of course it so happens that we have chosen this particular girl who we "think" is going to magically feed that need just the way we want to. But we all know what happens if we move too fast

*gasp*

God forbid, she might reject us and then *gasp* no more food for the need. So we approach carefully and slowly we develop familiarity with the girl. Familiarity is what hurts us in the long run, especially if we want to move on.

As the poster above seemed to suggest, we need to feed that need and the problem is that we only get bits and pieces, so like a hungry dog we keep asking fo rmore while doing tricks to earn them. If you gave a hungry dog a big, huge piece of meat, after he eats it and he's not hungry anymore, he's going to go to sleep!! The need was fed and there's no more craving.

I read somewhere that real DJs get their validation from life and not from women. Easy to say, a bit hard to implement. The only solution to oneitis out there seems to be focusing on other women. I'm sadened to say that it doesn't always work!! That is because focusing on other women does not fulfill the need that we have.

The first step to beating oneitis is to look inside that feeling that draws you to her, that motivation as the poster above mentioned, and ask yourself "What is at the center of this feeling? What's driving this feeling? What's fueling it?" And be completely honest with yourself. I mean after all it's yuourself you're talking to, the most important person in the world. So be kind and be honest, admit it (because denial is much much worse), and then write it down just the way you feel it.

Once you know your particular need, and I'm assuming it's a need because 99% of the time it is, you need to come up with different ways to get that need fulfilled. Sometimes, just being aware of the need and lookinng around you is enough to figure out that it's already being fulfilled.

It happened to me, just when I thought that girls couldn't possibly like me. It blinded me for years making me lose so many golden opporunities. But I becamme aware of it and started seeing female attention all around me. Woohoo....what a relief!!

If you want to prevent future "oneitis" it is important to use phase one of oneitis to our advantage. Phase one happnes when we subconsciously feel the need and start looking around at the girls that we know for "potentials" I call it "The Stakeout" Most guys, me included will weed out all the other girls and narrow their choices down to one. The rest is ignored, while the "target" is pursued often relentlessly.

Here's the secret, instead of picking one, pick at least three and DO NOT rank them by how much you like. Pursue each one separately. I'll allow you to draft a few "second round picks" too if you want to, just in case the first round picks flop on you. Sorry, too much fantasy baseball..... ... must go to sleep now....ZZZzzzz

 

[Maxtro]

Hello my name is poster....

Anyways I need a way to end my current oneitis ASAP. I am sick of thinking about her. While were at it I need forgot about the other oneitis girls in my head. Jessica, Hannah, Melissa, Nicole, Melissa (diffenet one) Justine and my current disease Haydee. I DO NOT NEED 7 oneitis girls running around in my head. I almost never think of the first 5 but I've kept thinking about #6 who was my Senior crush four years after high school, every day including today.

The sad thing is that when I started this school semester I was going to go after about 6 girls. But either I've dropped the class or they have and the number of girls narrowed down to one. And she's not even the best looking. I like her simply because she is cute has a good body, is funny and was nice to me. She's also the only girl that I have had semi-daily conversations with in four years.

My motivation for oneitis? #1 reason, get rid of virginity, it sucks. Other reasons are I need female attention, companionship, intimacy, recognition and I realy want to show a girl off to my family so they would know I'm not some total looser who can't get a girl. How do I feel those needs? Get a girl, duh.

 

[Nine Breaker]

I am afriad that I must disagree with many of the responses regarding how to beat oneitis. The fundamental flaw that I have noted time and time again is that any action you prepare yourselves to make is done in such a way to increase the probability of attaining a favourable outcome.

I find it ironic that anyone would attempt to beat oneitis by taking action that retains the malignant belief that you can end up with the item of your affection.

The simple fact of the matter is that there is no chance in hell that the woman who is unwittingly instituting the oneitis can possibly live up to your mentally-derived ideal of what she is (ie: near-perfect). Each and every time I have watched a guy with oneitis actually get the girl (and this does not happen too often) the final outcome is the same - the relationship, in whatever form it takes, falls apart surprisingly quickly.

One of the most devastating effects oneitis can have is the massive hinderence upon an aspiring Don Juan's growth and development. Not only does it narrow the focus to just a single woman, but it also means that any actions he takes to better himself are directed towards his goal - getting that woman. The very instant the guy comes to realise that he will not be able to get the girl (for whatever reason) marks the moment all his achievements and attempts to better himself are reduced to dust in his own mind. His goal is now unattainable, and his efforts were in vain. It is effectively for nothing.

Nonsense, you might think? Well, if it was like that, then Maxtro wouldn't have said this:

Originally posted by Maxtro

Right now I have no life. No hobbies, no talents, no job, no friends. I don’t know why I get up everyday. But I feel that if I was with a girl my life would have meaning.

His mental state is precisely at the moment I have described to you all. Validation for simply being alive has become externalised in the form of justification from another. The simple fact is that a woman will NOT bring you these other things automatically. This is why I, and countless others, have always been saying that you have to build up a life and achievements for yourself, before you go after any woman.

Why is that, you ask? If you build up your life so that it contains many achievements and talents, then the loss of a woman is not going to have as big an impact as it does for a man who has nothing but a woman in his life.

There is a catch to all this, though. You MUST do everything for yourself, and yourself only. Sure, it will be easier to land a great woman when you have made something of yourself, but that cannot be your only reason for building yourself up. A man is not characterised by the woman in his arms. He is characterised by who he is and what he does with himself.

Legolas was touching on this point in his view on how to beat oneitis. I would go on to say, however, that it is not about Needs at all. The desire for a woman is a WANT. "Needs" distinguish themselves over wants as something that is essential to life, while a "want" is a complement to living. By saying that there is something about having a woman that we absolutely need, we are also saying that we are not able to live without it. Oneitis can be described as a WANT that we desire so badly, we mistake it for a NEED.

Eating is a need. If we do not eat, we are going to waste away and die. But, if we eat and eat and eat, we are no longer satisfying the Need, we are feeding our Want of good food. The end result, of course, is that we end up having to buy 2 seats whenever we want to travel by airline. This idea can be likened to women as well. If we feel we have a need for a woman, then concentrating on several women at once will not solve our problems - it will most likely expand upon them. Every woman we let get close to us is another woman that we could become helplessly infatuated with.

This is why I say that the best way to beat oneitis is to swear off women for a while and build yourself up into a real man. You shift the focus of what can make you happy from an externalised source (woman) to an internalised source (you) that you have absolute control and influence over.

Being a real man, and beating oneitis are not independent from one-another. It all depends upon where you think true happiness can come from - you, or her.

 

[Maxtro]

Swear off women?

Very thoughtfull reply Nine Breaker. Almost eveything you said fits my situation perfectly.

In the case of oneitis I have now I don't desire a relationship with her. I want nothing more than a fvck buddy. That way all my "needs" would get fulfilled. I may not need to be around women but after constantly haveing my wants go unfulfilled for the past 10 years they feel like needs and I feel that I am wasting away.

This is why I say that the best way to beat oneitis is to swear off women for a while and build yourself up into a real man. You shift the focus of what can make you happy from an externalised source (woman) to an internalised source (you) that you have absolute control and influence over.

This makes perfect sense but the burning question is, how?

How can I swear off all women? How can I kill desire? How can I focus on my life when I feel I am missing a huge peice?

If somebody feels they have a good response please make a new tip thread because these are very important issues and a lot of people can benefit from it.

 

[Nine Breaker]

Re: Swear off women?

Originally posted by Maxtro
How can I swear off all women? How can I kill desire? How can I focus on my life when I feel I am missing a huge peice?

You think than women are a large part of your life. Being a real man is realising that there is MUCH MORE OUT THERE that can bring you happiness than being with a woman.

The Earth is a large place to live on. There are an infinite number of ways you can choose to live your life. The options that are available to you in this world are virtually limitless. When there is so much to see and experience and achieve, how the hell can you restrict yourself into believing that only a woman can bring you happiness.

All you have to do is get out there and find something that appeals to you. Get a job that interests you. Join a local sports team that you might enjoy. Find a hobby that challenges your imagination and innovative skills. Exercise to improve your body so that you are more physically capable of reaching other goals. Take up studying in a particular field that has always interested you - or find something you would like to understand more than you do now.

Not having sex on a regular basis does not make you any less of a man. Acting like you cannot find your own happiness unless someone else gives it to you DOES make you less than a man.

That is why you feel you are wasting away, not because you can't make your infatuation into a fvck buddy, but because that is the best thing you can currently come up with as your life's goals.

Go further with your life, go the full distance - and then take another step forward!

 

[legolas]

Nine Breaker is indeed right! I stand by my theory though that oneitis is caused by neediness, but maybe my solution was not right. I

f there is one pattern that seems to have been pretty consistent most of my life, is that when I was in a bad spot, I always thought "Once I do X" everything will be taken care of. And everytiime I did X, or came close to doing it, I found out that there was so much more that had to be taken care of before I got what I wanted.

Most of the time I came to realize that doing X was really not going to get me where I wanted to go, but it was simply an excuse I made to myself, mostly denying the truth.

For example you're thinking "Once I get laid, or get a girlfriend, everything will be fine. I'll lose my virginity, I'll show her off to my friends and family and they won't say I'm a loser"

The truth of the matter is while you do all this, you're missing out on a lot of fun. One of the things that keeps bugging me for the longest time is how much people want to please others first so they can please themselves after.

One look at your statements, and I see that you want to "not come off as loser" "show her off to your friends" and "lose your virginity" probably because of the heat you're getting from your pals. Let me ask you a queston:

"If you were to have to have friendswho didn't care about you being a virgin, and didn't care whether or not you had a gf, and if you lived away from your family and they didn't see you, would you still want to show off?"

If it came down to it, I wouldn't want to have sex just to tell my friends "Ohh I fukked her so good!" and I wouldn't want to have a gf who kept me tied down and prevented me from reaching my goals, because I had to please her. I wouldn't even care if I was a virgin, if I was doing the things that I really wanted to do in life.

So my point is, like Nine Breaker, if you're doing things to please others, you're missing the most important person in the world, YOU. Yes have a gf, and getting laid may please you, but remember that this pleasure is not the direct kind. You're not happy because you had sex or got a gf, you're happy because now you can show off to your pals and say "ha-ha I got a hot gf, and I'm the fukking man!!"

How does that fit in your life goals?

 

[Live The Dream]

nice post zosa!