The girl I'm dating has severe depression...

[mystic03]

Hello

I don't know if any of you here have had this experience, I've been dating a girl for 2 months and she's been in treatment for depression the last month. The thing is this: If you knew that this relationship could be a LTR what would you do?
I mean, we are very compatible and get along really great. But right now because of this problem our relationship isn't going anywere. I don't want to NEXT her and make things worse for her but at the same time I don't know what will happend when she gets better. Will she dump me? I don't know...
Anyway, in our last conversation she told me she didn't want me to think she was playing with me and to make me feel bad about the situation and that she leaves the decision of ending this or keep going, wichever I feel more confortable, humm.
Right now she has many problems and can't really reciprocate, let's say she does the basic stuff. I ask for the date most of the time she says yes, but if she's not feeling well that day of course she says no and tells me "tomorow". She rarely calls me but always return my calls. When we go out on a date we always have a good time, always.

What would you do???

 

[mystic03]

Work on your own issues. Why would you want to be with a girl that has dirty laundry? There's plenty of women out there without problems.

Good point...

 

[mystic03]

Beside Dopexile, anyone has anything to add? I mean I know most of the guys here will tell me to next her or will even ignore this post.
Maybe I know what is to be in her postion. I've been there. I was treated for depression for several years, maybe I feel "connected" with her.
Maybe to some of you this is bull****, but would you NEXT a girl who has been in an accident and lost a leg?

One Meaningful post please, put yourself in my postion and give me your opinion.

 

[cordoncordon]

As someone who has dated someone who was bi-polar and suffered from BPD, unless you are really in love with this woman I would just walk away. Maybe be there as a friend who you can talk to now and then, but as a potential relationship? Just too many headaches.

 

[KontrollerX]

Law 10

Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

In short its not your job to help her get her sh!t together.

That is capn save a h0 mentality and you'll just drown along with her doing it.

If the relationship is in the gutter right now and you sense she'll turn on you if she gets well then it is your duty to yourself to next her right this moment.

You are currently worried about her feelings if you are to dump her while she is depressed but what about yours if once she gets better she dumps you or even your feelings currently about the relationship being severely less than satisfactory?

I understand your empathy though and think its a good thing to have but you have to realize when its good for you to use and when its bad for you to use.

Do you love the girl and does the girl love you and do you believe that this is just a hurdle to cross over and then things will be fine?

If you believe that on a deep level then stay with her and see what happens.

If on the other hand you are uncertain about the future and your status together for whatever reason do yourself a favor and next this one and write it off in your mind like this...

We had some good times but hey sometimes good things come to an end.

In other words don't get hung up with guilt if you decide to dump her.

You two had a good thing going for a while, you both had fun and thats admirable but a DJ needs to know when to abandon a sinking ship.

 

[DJDamage]

Look nobody is going to tell you what you can or can't do.

It is your choice if you want to stick around and be there for her and it might work. But there are other unknown factors at work here, like she might be dragging you down with her depression, unsatisfied relationship (sacrificing your needs for hers) or being there for her until she gets better (whoever knows when that is, it could take years) and then after all that she realises that she doesn't like you anymore and runs away to the arms of another man, like an injured bird with broken wing that is now able to fly thanks to you.

Its not your job or duty to take care of her. You only know her for 2 months and she is already clincally depressed (you shouldn't have committed to her this early on, this is the time you needed to take to better evalulate if the person is good enough for you in the long haul and in this case it is not.) I say its a bit too early for you become a saviour and feel as if you owe it to her to be there for her.

Your needs are important too and if they are not being met then it is you that will become depressed.

 

[decades]

what is keeping you from embracing a healthy relationship with a healthy woman?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...If you knew that this relationship could be a LTR what would you do?

...
I mean, we are very compatible and get along really great. But right now because of this problem our relationship isn't going anywere.

So what makes you sure that this could progress to be a LTR or is the relationship being healthy not important?

...
I don't want to NEXT her and make things worse for her but at the same time I don't know what will happend when she gets better. Will she dump me? I don't know...

So what is it, are you afraid of hurting her or are you afraid of losing her? And what is this thing about you being concerned about her dumping you if she gets better? Is she dating you because she can't find anyone better in her current condition or are you saying that you can't find anyone better than someone in her condition???

 

[lookyoung]

My X GF had a major depressive episode when I was with her, and that is one of the main reasons I broke up with her. Depressed people have issues that are really deep. They may have been raped or sexually abused in there past. They also have to take antidepressants, and this will absolutely kill there sex drive. There is nothing you can do to help a depressed person, its up to them to get better.

If I were you I would tread very carefully. After the depression this girl may become a different person and dump you. Sometimes you have to be selfish, and this is one of those times. Offer some type of support, but dont' get emotionally attached.

 

[ElChoclo]

Funny you should ask Mystic 03 whether one should ditch a girl who has been in an accident and lost a leg.

Paul McCartney had to ask himself that very same question, but not as a hypothetical.

 

[Nelford]

All I can say is you should want a healthy woman. The relationship you will have will be unhealthy and I have not seen a unhealthy relationship go well.

 

[DonJuanNJ81]

I have experience in your situation. I dated a girl who was completely normal for the first month, and absolutely insane the next 7 til I canned her. She kept on preaching that it's only temporary, she loves me, blah blah blah, yet everytime we went out she'd end up crying or freaking out on me. Finally I got sick and tired of it and next'ed her.

She had serious daddy issues (hit her, very strict, etc)

My point is, make sure shes not just feeding you lines telling you its only temporary, when in actuality its a continuous cycle. I'm not saying the crazyness is going to last forever, but it might.


The final straw that broke the camels back for me was when I asked myself, "Can you see this woman being the mother of your children years down the road?", and the answer was an immediate NO. I saw her as a terrible mother...she was too unstable to control even her own life, how could she possibly raise children.

Thats that.

 

[Nelford]

Beside Dopexile, anyone has anything to add? I mean I know most of the guys here will tell me to next her or will even ignore this post.
Maybe I know what is to be in her postion. I've been there. I was treated for depression for several years, maybe I feel "connected" with her.
Maybe to some of you this is bull****, but would you NEXT a girl who has been in an accident and lost a leg?

One Meaningful post please, put yourself in my postion and give me your opinion.

Check this out, right now one of my female friends is so depress that she will be with any dude to not be alone. She is always crying and taking medication to heal the pain. She takes sleeping pills to go to sleep. Her job sends her home often because she is at work crying and sobing. She splits up with her boyfriend that dog her out and she been crying since this past Friday. They both were miserable. On a scale from 1-10 she told me she loved herself a 1. How on earth could you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself. Her self value is built on a LTR. When she is in a LTR she feels like a million bucks no matter if the dude cheats on her, but not in a LTR she feels like a dollar. I could never date someone like this. Lasly, this girl is a 9.

You are going into a unhealthy relationship. Her emotions are all over the place. You will get the cold shoulder a lot in the situation. Your communication with her will be limited.

Dude don't do it!

 

[squirrels]

WTF dude? You're not married to this girl. The fact that you say "this could be a long-term relationship" means it's not even a long-term relationship yet. Which means you're dating the girl. NOW is the time to GET OUT, not after you've stuck it out and become married to a depression-case.

What, exactly, do you see in a severely depressed person that makes them LTR material, anyway? The WORST thing you can do is get into a romantic relationship with a depressed person. They will start to USE you and EXPECT you to deliver happiness to them constantly. Then you have TWO depressed people dragging each other down.

If you want to help her, then help her, be a friend. But start thinking with your mind and your heart instead of your pen!s. She's even GIVING you an out...she recognizes that her problem is destroying romantic momentum. If you want to help this girl, you need to give her an ear right now, not a wang.

 

[PhatE1vis]

Props to you for being compassionate, but this really isn't a healthy relationship for you.

That being said, it doesn't mean you have to abandon her. Since you obviously care about her, you can still be a friend to her and offer her some measure of support. However, trying to pursue a relationship with her in her current mindset just won't work.

I vote for being honest with her. Tell her that while you do care for her, you need a healthy relationship with a healthy person. You'll continue to be a friend to her, but that you want to start seeing other people. Also tell her that you won't close the door on something with her in the future, but she needs to be treated and well first.

 

[frivolousz21]

2 months is 60 days which is 1440 min and 86,400 seconds.

thats a long time in the adult world.

if you both at this point are not experiencing a healthy for lack of better term falling love feeling or stage...then your not getting anywhere.


2 months both people know by there emotions if they are happy as ****.

it may not be logic or work..but it sure doesnt sound like she feels like that at all for you bro..don't hurt yourself

 

[slaog]

Only she can make herself better and improve herself. It might happen but the odds are long.

Its your choice if you want to give her your time and energy in the hope she will improve.

 

[mystic03]

Thanks, guys, for all the good posts.
I've been thinking about all this and came to the conclusion.
This girl is no good to me for a relationship. I can still offer support but with distance. I definitely need to date other women even if I don't close the door of a future relationship with this one but don't rely on that anyway. I also going to be honest with her, she's been very honest with me so she deserves the same.

Thanks again

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Put her on the back burner.

 

[mystic03]

Put her on the back burner.

What??? ...