The fine line between being attractive and vetting for relationship material

[Ricky]

I'm having difficulty with this lately.

I'm very good at seducing women, making them feel attracted to me, making their hormones rush. I just radiate confidence, make smart and witty comments, demonstrate dominance, act in a sexually attractive way etc. And so they fall for me, because I kinda sweep them off their feet, as if I injected them with some drug that makes them feel high.

Great, so the girl feels attracted to me. Then the texting game begins and I try to get her to meet up with me, and so we meet, and so we have a good time together, and so we end up in bed, and so we have more good times together etc etc. In the meantime, I try to find out if she's a good match for a long term relationship, because that's what I'm really after.
Almost always, it turns out she isn't... And eventually, we go our own ways.

I'm tired of going through that whole process. I want to find out if she's a good long term match as soon as possible! But I've noticed that it turns women off if I do that. Like if I start asking too many questions too fast in order to determine how much of a 'relationship material' she is, she will lose interest. I get it, it probably makes me seem "boring", too serious, no fun etc.
In general, women chase a man when he's not hinting at getting into a serious relationship but is actually doing the opposite and acts like he doesn't want to get "trapped" into a relationship with one girl, because he'd rather be independent and have fun with multiple girls. It's like, instinctually, women want to convince a man to go for a relationship with just them, they want him to choose her above all the other girls and commit to her.
If the guy gives her that commitment too easily, she feels 'bored' or feels that he posed not enough challenge for her to make her feel special, as if he is so desperate for a relationship that he will just accept any girl that offers it to him.

Blah blah blah, so when you give them too many signs too early that you're looking for a serious relationship, it will drive them away. I've tested this plenty of times, it's just how they're wired.

But I'm sick and tired of dating and investing in that whole process, only to find out after weeks or months that the girl is not a good match for me. I'm getting old and I want to start a family, so I want to find a good woman who will give me a stable relationship and be a good mother to my children. Of course I don't tell them that, but it often shows through my behavior, they notice that I'm a serious guy with serious intentions and it drives them away.

So I just have to keep it a secret lol. I have to put on a mask and play the role of the guy I described earlier, the one who doesn't need women except for fun and doesn't want to get trapped in a relationship etc. Once we get through that first phase of dating, having good sex, having a lot of fun together, they always start their attempts to pin me down and want me to go for a serious relationship. If I try to seriously determine whether she is a good long term match before this moment, I drive her away lol.
But at that point, I've already invested quite some time and effort into her, and many times I've also developed some feelings for her by that time. It's too late, for my taste... I need to form my opinion about her earlier.

So yeah, it's a balancing act. I want to know whether she's a good fit for settling down and eventually starting a family. But I can't be too direct in my attempts to evaluate her on the one hand, and I don't want to invest too much time and effort in her before I find my answer on the other hand.

Anyone else recognize this?

Man i can totally relate to this after last week. Great woman.. couple of months, kept it fun and playful etc.. Then i did something that couldn't hide the interest for more and she friend zones me. The other woman i'm less interested in i can keep at an arms length so its working.

 

[zekko]

I try to find out if she's a good match for a long term relationship, because that's what I'm really after.
Almost always, it turns out she isn't... And eventually, we go our own ways.

This is a legitimate problem. The unfortunate truth about LTRs is you're right, most women will not be suitable for you. Not every woman is going to be what you're looking for. No matter what approach you might use. So when you say "almost always", that sounds about right to me. But you didn't say "always", you said "almost" always. So what about the times that don't fit in the always category?

In any case, if you have any idea of the type of girl you're looking for, you should be able to figure out if she fits you without blurting out an invitation for commitment. I've sometimes figured out a girl was suited for me by the questions she asked me.

Women have more options than men, so yeah if you appear to fall for them too fast, they're going to think there's something wrong with you. Some women lose interest if their interest is returned (these women are to be avoided). But generally speaking, it is boring if you give them all your commitment before the time is ripe. They need some romance time to wonder about you. That's why they usually say around here to let the woman bring up the commitment subject, and it's not bad advice.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I'm tired of going through that whole process. I want to find out if she's a good long term match as soon as possible!

You're on your way to becoming a trans Bridget Jones, in other words. Cheer up, hoss... Gender re-assignment surgeries will soon be doled out at discount prices, reminiscent of K-Mart's blue light specials. Once you've actually transitioned, locking down your Ms. Darcy will be easier than picking off Kennedys at Dealey Plaza

 

[Fruitbat]

This might be over simplifying, but the whole ‘judge by actions’ comes to mind.

I dated a woman, she was an artist, and I explained I wanted a family long term. She kind of was vague and lied about it. We drank and screwed for 2 months straight then she started talking in covert ways about all good things coming to an end. She then said she was never having kids, so not a match, I asked why she wasn’t upfront - she said “I liked you and didn’t want you to go”

so basically she lied to get in my pants. lol

Generally, people’s self image and talk are faulty. Asking a woman what she is like and wants is like asking a marketing team their product weaknesses. You only find out once you’ve used the product for a few weeks.

EDIT: Just realised that there are serious attempts to make lying to get sechs defined as r*pe, so apparently I was r*ped lol

 

[The Duke]

I'm having difficulty with this lately.

I'm very good at seducing women, making them feel attracted to me, making their hormones rush. I just radiate confidence, make smart and witty comments, demonstrate dominance, act in a sexually attractive way etc. And so they fall for me, because I kinda sweep them off their feet, as if I injected them with some drug that makes them feel high.

Great, so the girl feels attracted to me. Then the texting game begins and I try to get her to meet up with me, and so we meet, and so we have a good time together, and so we end up in bed, and so we have more good times together etc etc. In the meantime, I try to find out if she's a good match for a long term relationship, because that's what I'm really after.
Almost always, it turns out she isn't... And eventually, we go our own ways.

I'm tired of going through that whole process. I want to find out if she's a good long term match as soon as possible! But I've noticed that it turns women off if I do that. Like if I start asking too many questions too fast in order to determine how much of a 'relationship material' she is, she will lose interest. I get it, it probably makes me seem "boring", too serious, no fun etc.
In general, women chase a man when he's not hinting at getting into a serious relationship but is actually doing the opposite and acts like he doesn't want to get "trapped" into a relationship with one girl, because he'd rather be independent and have fun with multiple girls. It's like, instinctually, women want to convince a man to go for a relationship with just them, they want him to choose her above all the other girls and commit to her.
If the guy gives her that commitment too easily, she feels 'bored' or feels that he posed not enough challenge for her to make her feel special, as if he is so desperate for a relationship that he will just accept any girl that offers it to him.

Blah blah blah, so when you give them too many signs too early that you're looking for a serious relationship, it will drive them away. I've tested this plenty of times, it's just how they're wired.

But I'm sick and tired of dating and investing in that whole process, only to find out after weeks or months that the girl is not a good match for me. I'm getting old and I want to start a family, so I want to find a good woman who will give me a stable relationship and be a good mother to my children. Of course I don't tell them that, but it often shows through my behavior, they notice that I'm a serious guy with serious intentions and it drives them away.

So I just have to keep it a secret lol. I have to put on a mask and play the role of the guy I described earlier, the one who doesn't need women except for fun and doesn't want to get trapped in a relationship etc. Once we get through that first phase of dating, having good sex, having a lot of fun together, they always start their attempts to pin me down and want me to go for a serious relationship. If I try to seriously determine whether she is a good long term before this moment, I drive her away lol.
But at that point, I've already invested quite some time and effort into her, and many times I've also developed some feelings for her by that time. It's too late, for my taste... I need to form my opinion about her earlier.

So yeah, it's a balancing act. I want to know whether she's a good fit for settling down and eventually starting a family. But I can't be too direct in my attempts to evaluate her on the one hand, and I don't want to invest too much time and effort in her before I find my answer on the other hand.

Anyone else recognize this?

I've always been a hunter/seducer and have operated in much the same manner and learned the same things. You are spot on with what you have discovered when it comes to looking for solid long term candidates.

There are no short cuts. Certainly pursue those with lower partner counts, that have never been married, that come from good family backgrounds. Look for old-fashioned values and belief systems.

The problem with modern day dating, is anyone can date anyone. There is no pre-filter. Its one big pool where the bad can swim in the same circles as the bad.

Years ago, the families knew each other and this was one way to pre-filter.