The Fear of Intimacy Thread

[STR8UP]

Every time I hear those words I want to shake some sense into the woman who is saying them!

What a bunch of CRAP.

Who is "afraid" of intimacy?

Out of the handful of women who I know pretty well, almost every single on eof them says that I am "afraid of commitment" or something equally annoying to try to explain why I have chosen NOT to pursue a relationship with them or one of their friends.

Am I afraid of commitment? Not with the right woman!

Am I afraid of intimacy? Hell no! I LONG for intimacy! What I wouldn't give to have a woman to share great moments with, to touch and hold, and.....you know, all that good stuff.

I was talking to a good female friend of mine the other night, the one who is hopelessly hung up on another friend of mine and basically shuns every opportunity to date (although she vehemently denies it).

We were comparing my "love life" to hers. For some reason she believes that I have all of the passion and intimacy I need, that my desire to have a special someone is always satiated by the fact that I hook up here and there.

I tried to explain to her that I would LOVE nothing more than to meet a woman i could spend some time with, but that most of these encounters I have had over the past couple of years have been for the most part meaningless, and have left me completely unfulfilled.

And she just doesn't get it! This is the same woman who will tell me that I'm "afraid to put myself out there", since I dated her best friend but didn't step up to the plate.

So on one hand she's telling me that she thinks that I have a great love life, and the next she's "scolding" me for not putting myself out there and ALLOWING myself to have a great love life. WTF????

See, women don't even know what they are saying when they say stuff like this. It's a default response.

"He doesn't like me, so therefore he is afraid of intimacy/commitment".

Oh no....it couldn't be that I don't like HER personally! It MUST be something external. He must be afraid to get close to someone. Yea, that's it!

It's actually sort of comical when you become conscious of women saying this and understand why they do. Just more proof that women are generally more insecure than men and are for the most part incapable of holding themselves accountable.

 

[KontrollerX]

Yeah I've been rapidly losing patience with people like that who cannot even entertain a new thought or idea or different way of looking at something.

The ego and the knee jerk automated response usually follows and it sickens me but I guess we just have to deal with people like this Str8up because they unfortunately are not going away anytime soon.

 

[LovelyLady]

ummm, FYI Str8up... my thread is about intimacy and it's relationship to trust.

It is not about commitment phobia or fear of intimacy as it's primary purpose/theme (although I do mention 2 personal aspects that challenged my ability to trust/be intimate - one being the recognition that I need to trust my own judgement when picking a partner and the other being afraid of experiencing the pain of the loss of a valued intimate partner.)

But the fear of actual intimacy itself is not what I was sharing about.
More a discussion about it's manifestations, what it is - what it is not.



Now there is a conversation going on within the thread about fear of intimacy as it relates to the trust challenge - because it can be scary to truly open ourselves to someone - we are vulnerable.

And also that there is a perception of some that a man must be feminine if he is to intimate. That belief has been challenged that a man is intimate with a woman in the way men are uniquely intimate.


But commitment phobia has not been brought up at all in relation to the topic until your posting here.

 

[KontrollerX]

Lovelylady I'm pretty sure Str8up made this topic as a response to Frivelous's recent thread not yours.

 

[LovelyLady]

Oh, okay... thank you for clearing that up for me.

 

[iqqi]

Lovelylady I'm pretty sure Str8up made this topic as a response to Frivelous's recent thread not yours.

Hers does relate though, and she should post a link.

I for one disagree with STR8UP on the general premise, because fear of intimacy and commitment is very real, I for one am a great example at this time in my life.

But a lot of the points he makes are ACCURATE and every woman should assume that if a man doesn't want to commit to her, it could be... because of HER, not him. And stop trying to be Captain Save a Wretched Soul.

The real concept to recognize here is the Emotionally Unavailable.

 

[STR8UP]

Lovelylady I'm pretty sure Str8up made this topic as a response to Frivelous's recent thread not yours.

Thanks for clearing that up. I didn't even know another thread on the topic existed.

 

[Phyzzle]

I agree. "Fear of Intimacy" is a pejorative way of saying "he or she doesn't want me." No one actually feels fear over intimacy. Annoyance over someone who is trying to be intimate when you don't want it? Yes. Fear of screwing it up? Yes. But that's not being afraid of intimacy. The most heavily abused head-cases out do not exhibit fear over intimacy for someone to whom they are attracted.

Fear of intimacy and commitment is very real, I for one am a great example at this time in my life.

It might seem so to you now, but as guys, we have all been told one time or another, "my head just isn't in the right place. We're getting too close, I'm getting scared, and I'm just too messed up to be involved with anyone now." We have all seen these same women promptly launch deep, long lasting relationships weeks or even days after telling us we have to cool off. It's just a matter of meeting the right guy.

I guarantee there are tons of women who have heard the same from guys. It's the old "it's not you, it's me" speech. Hell, I think guys invented saying "I'm afraid of intimacy, LOL."

So don't be angry STR8UP. This whole fear of intimacy accusation is basically the fault of guys. Don't go blaming women.

But I agree it is not a prevalent phenomenon, and it may not be real.

 

[iqqi]

Well I'd never give anyone that line, I usually am up front about not being ready for anything serious.

However, I'd be more worried about ruining something good because of my current issues with intimacy and commitment. And I also am aware it is nothing permanent. It's just something I am going through.

Fear of commitment DOES exist, but with anything it is best to pay attention to actions and not words, or lines.

Like I said before, emotionally unavailable is really the symptom to look for. One of those signs is the line you spoke of.

 

[STR8UP]

Now there is a conversation going on within the thread about fear of intimacy as it relates to the trust challenge - because it can be scary to truly open ourselves to someone - we are vulnerable.

People aren't afraid of much of anything if they are truly interested in someone. People talk about being afraid to cover up low interest most of the time.

And also that there is a perception of some that a man must be feminine if he is to intimate. That belief has been challenged that a man is intimate with a woman in the way men are uniquely intimate.

Not at all. men and women tend to show intimacy in different ways, however, it's finding the common ground that makes it great.

But commitment phobia has not been brought up at all in relation to the topic until your posting here.

Commitment and intimacy are two different things, but in this sense they are closely related because they are both used to shame and blame men for not stepping up to the plate.

 

[STR8UP]

So don't be angry STR8UP. This whole fear of intimacy accusation is basically the fault of guys. Don't go blaming women.

1) I'm not angry.

2) How do you figure it's the fault of guys?

 

[penkitten]

2) How do you figure it's the fault of guys?

i see it as no one is actually at fault rather than the parties involved just have poor communication whereas neither have actually sat down to speak about the matter honestly.
and its a hard matter to speak honestly about, how do you look at someone who is trying so very hard to care for you in some way or another and tell them that the reason you are ready to commit yourself at this moment, is that they just aren't right for you?
once it is all said and done, there is all hell to pay , isn't there?
most people can not just walk away even stevens and be amicable and civil.
they believe they found their match with you, they know it to be true in their heads, and they do not want to be wrong.
and it is so hard to try to tell someone they are wrong about it, because they will resist the idea and then become confrontational and place blame when there is no real reason to place blame on anyone.
if all else fails, the other party will resort to childhood behavior when they do not get their way by acting out. (women cry to get their way, men get loud to get their way and either one may fight it out or run off mad)

most of us are not born with the art of negotiation, especially when it comes to our feelings.

 

[The Bat]

"He doesn't like me, so therefore he is afraid of intimacy/commitment".

Oh no....it couldn't be that I don't like HER personally! It MUST be something external. He must be afraid to get close to someone. Yea, that's it!

It's actually sort of comical when you become conscious of women saying this and understand why they do. Just more proof that women are generally more insecure than men and are for the most part incapable of holding themselves accountable.

It's their version of "it's not me, must be her...so her loss" conundrum that's used almost too freely by AFCs/rAFCs. "Yes, champ. It's her. It's not the fact that you two weren't just compatible or that you live with a victim mentality".

You are right in when you say that it's more of a matter of insecurity and no-accountability. "I am a perfect woman...how dare he not become mine...he must be afraid of my perfectness" Ugh! What an idiotic, self-righteous attitude! :cuss:

I get told the same lines over and over by friends, family, colleagues, plates all the time. And I mean, every single time a discussion of relationship and love-lives is brought up. "The Bat, you just don't know love and are afraid of it....you're a comittophobe".

Plus, remember most people fear single, successful, and confident people...not out of hate...but more out of jealousy. They compensate for their shortcomings (i.e. committed relationship status, hating their jobs, complaining about their financial woes) by blaming it on your inner-fear that is intimacy.

For some reason, we are losers and aren't complete just because we haven't had an exclusive relationship for the longest time. Exclusivity means success and achieving nirvana for some fools.

Don't let them drag you down. Live your life as an example. Good leaders and inspiring people don't waste their time in petty arguments and hate. They live the life they want: as a successful and meaningful one.

 

[jophil28]

Oh no....it couldn't be that I don't like HER personally! It MUST be something external. He must be afraid to get close to someone. Yea, that's it!

It's actually sort of comical when you become conscious of women saying this and understand why they do. Just more proof that women are generally more insecure than men and are for the most part incapable of holding themselves accountable.

OK guys - so you have decided not to enter into her web because she is not appealing in some way. Perhaps you rejected her advances or declined her attempts to draw you into a "relationship ".
THe standard response from her is " You are afraid of intimacy / committment ".
Lawd almighty - any man who has two functioning brain cells can unravel women' s defensive responses. Women are simple creatures.

There are two conditions which women's bloated egos cannot abide . The first is being "wrong " and the second is being "unattractive". These are death thoughts to them, so they mount delusional responses to protect their ego investment.

It is just expedient to "blame the guy" in some way instead of facing facts. And that is exactly what women have always done and will continue to do.

I don't know that we need a thread to examine the obvious.

 

[Luthor Rex]

Who is "afraid" of intimacy?

My ex.

People who don't like themselves are afraid of intimacy because they are afraid that if you see the "real them" instead of the 'public face' they put on, then you won't like them anymore.

Yes it's stupid.

 

[lookyoung]

I agree with what STR8UP said. People generally don't fear intimacy if there interest level is high enough. I actually gave a girl that had high interest level in me the line of I am so confused I really don't know what I want right now. Now do you think if this was my dream girl I would say that. HELL NO.

Woman are not scared of commitment or intimacy. A woman with a good head on her shoulders will die for commitment and intimacy. The girls that fear intimacy have been physically abused by a member of the opposite sex, Raped or sexually abused as a child.

 

[iqqi]

The girls that fear intimacy have been physically abused by a member of the opposite sex, Raped or sexually abused as a child.

Um, sorry that doesn't fit me.

The sosuave psychologists strike (out) again!

 

[edger]

People generally don't fear intimacy if there interest level is high enough.

Absolutely agree.

Wanna hear a good one? Tell me what you think of this: A couple of yrs ago, I was "hanging out"(dating) with this attractive 20 year old chick. I was 26 at the time. After the first 2 weeks or so of "hanging out", she asks me, "So, what are we?" I avoided her question. Then a few days later during one of our conversations, she say's something like, "I'd feel weird getting into a relationship with you because you are established." I didn't say anything back. I never mentioned anything to her about ever wanting to get into a relationship, she brought it up.

Then about a month later, I told her I didn't want a relationship with her. She got pissed at me and hung up the phone. She called back a little while later and started crying. As she was talking to me crying, she's telling me how nobody ever rejects her, how she's not used to this, how it's always her breaking hearts. I told her we can be friends with benefits(not in those exact words, but that's basically what I said), and she's like "NO, I don't wanna be friends with you..if we're not gonna be together, I don't wanna be your friend. But we did end up being friends; "friends with benefits". That only lasted about 2 weeks. The last time we hung out, she was combing my hair, and was being rough with it, and I was like, "Ow, be careful." So she's like, "You deserved that for doing what you did to me." I don't think she was intentionally trying yank my hair out though. But the point is, by her saying that, it appeared she was angry at me for rejecting a relationship with her.

Anyway, it was a weird situation, she tells me she'd feel weird getting into a relationship because I'm established, then she cries and gets pissed when I tell her I just want to be friends, and tells me I deserved to have my hair yanked on.

 

[poster_guy03]

Another perspective

Is it intimacy that is feared? Or, is it really about the things that are the common consequences, desired or undesired, of intimacy that are typical of the matrix?

A master DJ would not fear these consequences as he would be confident in his ability to deal with them.

Having said that, behaviors and attitudes characteristic of DJ's may not necessarily be the result of "fear of intimacy". To someone in the matrix observing certain aspects of DJ behavior and lifestyle it may certainly appears to be so.

On the other hand it is possible that adopting DJ attitudes could lead to extreme behaviors on the part of a man. For example, a DJ could take his criteria for a quality woman to such extremes that no woman is going to qualify as an LTR or potential spouse. (Think about mothers who reject every person their offspring identifies as a possible LTR or spouse.)

If one is to hold to these high criteria then, if one wants intimacy, LTR, or marriage then said DJ better be meeting, spinning and nexting at a rate that provides the opportunity to find that one in a million.

And just in case you are of the opinion that having intimacy, LTR or spouse automatically disqualifies you as a DJ, think of DJ's in such situations that post on this board, namely RT.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

As she was talking to me crying, she's telling me how nobody ever rejects her, how she's not used to this, how it's always her breaking hearts.

Bingo. Gold star for EDGER.

No one is 'afraid of intimacy'. This is yet more feminized jingoism like "men have fragile egos" or "men are threatened by successful women" and lets not forget "he's commitment-phobic", all brought to you by Oprah & Dr. Phil.

What both sexes are afraid of is REJECTION, so we create Buffers against it and rationalizations for it to lessen the impact. All of the above examples are rationalizations for rejection of intimacy. Women love to complain about how they are objectified, how they become sex objects, when in fact this objectification is yet another buffer against rejection by men. It's far easier to accept rejection from an object than from a person.

Conversely, the same is true for women when they rationalize for themselves that a man is 'commitment-phobic' or has a 'fear of intimacy'. This rationalization similarly objectifies men as 'the problem'. It's not that he's rejected her intimacy, it's HIS problem with intimacy or commitment, not her personally. Buffers are ego protection devices. Again it's much easier to accept rejection of intimacy for her if the man is fundamentally flawed.

The crime here, and I assume the reason for starting this thread, is that men (such as FRIVOLOUS from his prior thread) buy into their being the problem. They internalize the Matrix created schema, "I have/Men have commitment issues" or "I have/Men Have a fear of intimacy." This then becomes a part of their personalities by ego-investment in the schema.