The Ex

[NewMike]

Ok, I was over at my new girlfriends apt last night. While I was over there, she decided to logon to AOL real quick and check some email.. While she was logged on, i was giving her a back massage, etc, and an IM window popped on. She told me it was her ex.

Anyways, he started talking to her, asking about me, where I lived, does he own a house?, etc. He did mention he has a new GF, and then asked if she was happy with me, etc (she responded "Extremely". )

It kinda sounded like he was trying to size me up. He then asked if she'd like to meet up or hang out sometime soon (without me obviously), and asked if I knew that they (him and her) were still friends... She responded that she would be willing to meet up, but that she'd get back to him after finals week.

What should be my take on this? what is your view/opinion? I def don't wanna come off as the jealous boyfriend, so I really didnt mention it. She asked me if it made me uncomfortable that she still talks to him, and I said it wasn't a big deal. But i'm wondering what would have been the proper response. Is it odd that she keeps in touch with him? That she would be willing to meet up with him? even as friends?

Apparently he broke up with her about a year ago, and she had mentioned he had wanted her back...

 

[RKTek]

Really, you handled this well, but at some point you KNOW you're going to have to put your foot down because my gut tells me this girl is testing you. The proper thing for her to do would have been to answer him later. The fact that he's a complete AFC and still wants her shows me she's a manipulative player. She wants you to know that unless you perform exactly as she wants, she's got someone to go back to.

Yeah, well I'd be prepared to 'call' her on her stupid game.

If she's willing to dangle an ex in front of you so blatantly, then she's willing to do other things to manipulate you as well. Be cool for now, but be aware that she's got a mean streak that you've just found.

There are two ways to handle this:

1) Be cool and ignore her stupid little game, but be keenly aware of what she's doing. If she strays, dump her. If she makes you feel any more uncomfortable, dump her. After all, this is a test of HER, not you. A girl who is a 'keeper' will work to make you feel good about yourself when you're with her. She will work to calm you, not push buttons.

2) ...and this is a bit immature but could work if properly done... YOU suddenly develop some panting ex girlfriend who is now getting in touch with YOU. Even if you have to hire your sister, cousin, or a buddy's girlfriend to help. Although I'd stick with option 1, above.

Good luck and keep strong personal boundaries.

 

[Quick]

In my experience, when ex's still talk to each other, one or both of them is harboring hope that they can eventually get back together. In this case, it sounds like the guy definitely is. If a girl asked me if it bothered me that she talked to her ex, I would tell her it depends on the circumstances. If the ex is making motions on getting back together and she keeps talking to him, then she's telling him she's open to it, no matter what her mouth says. I'm of the opinion that it's very disrespectful to a relationship for one partner to constantly listen to someone who's trying to break them up. It's also useful for me to picture my girl's reaction if the circumstances were reversed.

I would usually give advice on what to do here, but i'm tired and can't think straight. I'm at a point in my life where if a girl was meeting her ex, i'd pull back and start seeing other people and make her prove she had some sense before I took her back. I like smart girls, and if she doesn't know that it's a problem without asking me, she's not my type. I don't think you necessarily have to do that, so listen to what other people would do.

 

[drZaius09]

If he broke up with her, then he has "hand," as George Costanza would say. But she also has hand, and christ only knows what she's doing with it when you're not around.

It's always been my opinion that if you're still getting ass then it shouldn't matter who else the girl is screwing in the background. It's better to just let them cheat if they want and continue to get yours (ass), rather than let some wh0re ruin you emotionally. Life is too frivolous to give concern to such matters. I realize this kind of mentality is tough to implement (I have my moments of remission), but once you can transcend these trivialities you'll find that life is much less stressful.

If it does not interfere with your sex life, then I don't see an issue. Of course, if she ever denies you sex after seeing him or any other dude, then you've got a problem. And make sure you protect yourself when you're with her (like you should with any girl).

P.S. Nobody ever said YOU can't screw other people also. That's basically the main point I'm trying to get across here.

 

[Mizer]

You have two good responses above. I have been tested like this before several times. Each time I have put my foot down immediately. I don't waste time. I don't look at myself as being jealous; I look at myself as demanding respect and I honestly feel that I gained more of it in each situation. Even if I am not really into the woman all that much I would still put my foot down so I won't look like a wuss.

A while back, a chic I am dating used to talk about old boyfriends a lot. It was to a point that she was doing it so much that it was obvious she was testing me. I told her that I didn't want to talk about her old boyfriends at all in a authoritative voice. If she wanted to talk about them, call one of her girlfriends and chat it up with them. She told me that she can respect that and that she wouldn't do it again. Even up to now, she is still hesitant to bring up certain things about men (may have scared her a bit too much) but at least she respects me.



A few months ago a good female friend of mine was discussing this situation with me. This is a woman I respect a lot for her wisdom and intelligence. She just stated briefly that women want men to put their foot down in those situations, even if their man has nothing to fear. I tend to agree with her. We were supposed to finish the conversation but never did.

Anyway, I would be more worried about looking like a pushover than jealous. My solution is what has worked for me over the years so I will very likely continue to use it. Good Luck!



Mizer

 

[NewMike]

Interesting... What's the best way for me to bring this up now (hours later)?

I need a lead in without bringing it up out of the blue. I'm planning on just asking her what their deal is? If its just the 2 of them when they hang out, what they do, etc. Also, How often they see each other, what the circumstances are, how she would feel if I hung w/ one of my ex's ( i def could) , if she see's other ex's, if he's still pining after her, etc.

That sound reasonable?

 

[stormwriter]

I don't think you can bring it up now. That moment in time has passed. So, wait until it happens again, then give her your "you betta respect me, beeyotch!" speech. If you bring it up after the fact, like a day or two later, she's probably going to think you've been stressing out about it, which is a sign of insecurity.

I agree with the other guys, that its a warning flag. Probably not a bright red flag, but a yellow one. If you want a classy woman - classy women don't do this. She could have did this when you weren't there. If you don't want a classy, respectful chick, then you have to deal with dumb tests like this.

A girl with a high Interest Level (90%+) won't even look at other dudes.

This part of your message KIND OF sends up a flag:
"Apparently he broke up with her about a year ago, and she had mentioned he had wanted her back..."

It would be one thing if she dumped him - i'm sure you know. But he seems to be in a relationship, and you are with her, and she's happy with you, so be coo' and don't worry about it.

This is the opposite of your situation, but I learned years ago to not to read email in front of chicks:
I had been dating this girl for about 3 weeks. During this time, i was still emailing other chicks. I was open about this. But, like an idiot, i checked my email at my new girl's house. She was sitting there while i read my mail. I open an email from another chick, (while the girlfriend is reading) and it says:

"That's cool that you are seeing a new girl. Why do you think she likes you more than you like her?" ....

HAHA. I was BUSTED! Man, that was our first fight, and i had to sit there like an idiot and explain why i thought she liked me more than i liked her. Nice way to start a relationship, huh?

 

[NewMike]

Yeah, i figure its a good sign she mentioned me to him already, he already knew my name, and asked her about me. She was pretty open about talking to him w/ me around too. It would have been more shady if she did this behind my back, and I caught her or if she hadnt mentioned me to him.

She did say that she is one of those ppl who doesnt like to have enemies, and likes to have everyone like her or whatever. Example: She bought both of her ex's t-shirts when she was in NY a few mos back (before I met her). Maybe that's just the way she operates or whatever...

 

[Mizer]

She did say that she is one of those ppl who doesnt like to have enemies, and likes to have everyone like her or whatever. Example: She bought both of her ex's t-shirts when she was in NY a few mos back (before I met her). Maybe that's just the way she operates or whatever...

Wow, how far does she goes in order to be liked?

Really, man, if you feel good about this then, of course, there is no problem and you allow them to meet and get on with your relationship. If this is okay with you and this is the type of thing you can both handle in a relatiionship then go for it.

But if this bothers you, I would not let the meeting take place. I would just tell her, straight up, that I was trying to be cool about it at first but got to thinking " What in the hell is wrong with me ?"
If she cares more about them liking her than you then it is time to walk and not look back. You must walk!

She will most likely give in to not meeting him if she really likes you. If she doesn't, then you know where you stood. But if you allow this meeting to happen, you could probably open a can of worms that will be hard to close in the future... like coming over to her place one day and finding "Jim-Bob" sitting on the couch. She thought it would be okay since you allowed her to meet up with him a while back.




Mizer



"You got to nip it in the bud"-Barney Fife

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by stormwriter
she's probably going to think you've been stressing out about it, which is a sign of insecurity.

He HAS been stressing about it. And that IS a sign of insecurity.

A girl with a high Interest Level (90%+) won't even look at other dudes.

This is such bullsh1t. Are you going to sit there and tell me that when you're dating a chick you have high IL in you NEVER talk to other girls? Or even glance at them? Or fantasize? Please. Why should it be any different for them? Humans were never meant to be monogamous creatures. Why the hell can't you people accept that fact and deal with it? You're only fostering anger and unhappiness by refusing to acknowledge reality.