The Essence of 'Focus on Yourself'

[Deep Dish]

That phrase "Focus on yourself" has been bouncing around these forums for some time, and it's not immediate to fully grasp the idea. At least, it wasn't for me. The following is not complicated, just a very simple idea extrapolated.

Focusing blame

Rather than blame women for their tastes in men, or blaming other men, place scrutiny squarely on yourself. Remember there is no absolute reality, so what is your reality doesn't mean it can't be another. A guy can bitterly proclaim "All women are bytches" and may be totally right, in his reality all women are bytches to him, but that's resultant of HIM and not absolute reality.

Success in dating is not derived from knowing ideals (e.g. what makes a good relationship). Nor tricks or methods. Nor following The Rules. Nor being nice, smart, funny. Success in dating comes only after grappling with your place in the sexual realm, only after then does being nice, smart, funny; knowing quality women from crap; come into play. Be forewarned: if you go from the realm of nonsexuality to sexuality, be ready for life (and not just with women) to get very bizarre from what you knew.

Focusing your mouth

It's odd that in conversation, whoever has the focus isn't the one talking. Nice Guys focus on the woman and subsequently splatter himself onto her. Poor woman! If you focus on yourself, your desire to know about the woman subsequently spurs asking her questions. See how this works? On the wall of a local Starbucks there's a long paragraph which comically begins, "Let's talk. Actually, I'd rather you do the talking and I listen. I don't learn much when I talk." Two people focusing on themselves is healthy conversation.

Focusing your life

When on dates, do things YOU want. You were the one who asked, anyhow. I'm getting into the habit of inviting women to go do things I was going to do anyway. If she says no, I still go. So, it won't be so much creating dates, rather just inviting companionship. [In fact, last night when I asked a woman to help me decide what to do on my Sunday day off, the beach or bungee jumping, I picked up on that she really wanted to go with me. I'm finding women who were already wanting to spend time with me, and all I'm doing is providing an opportunity, counter that to trying for an opportunity to get into their world. Key difference].

If you don't focus on yourself, your life will depend on others and be frought with disappointments of scheduling hassles.

From Deep Dish's "Take Yourself Out":
Go explore your city. Go to movies by yourself. Go do things normally done in pairs of two, like dinner. Go out dancing by just yourself, become comfortable with you being your generator of fun, not others.

What this author said is right. Generate your life by yourself, be your own generator of having a life and having fun. Many people seem to think the following Catch-22: no chick no life, no life no chick. But your life is not defined by having a chick, you don't need a chick to go out and go to places, participate in pasttimes, commonly frequented by couples or group of people; movies, dinners, etc. You certainly need a life to get chicks, not even chicks with boring lives want a man with equally a boring life.

The more interesting YOUR life, the more other people will be drawn to it. But, whatever. The more interesting your life, the more you will interest yourself.

True words.

As for 'Seduction'...

Focusing on yourself emulates all those principles like Challenge and Mystery. Dare I say, focusing on principles like Challenge and Mystery emulate focusing on yourself. Tactics like not calling for XX number of days or cancelling dates only emulates having a life; purposefully evading questions and answering only in the most basic ways, will frustrate women and leave you. On the other hand, focusing on yourself is not some tactic and you will become a natural challenge, and after all mystery is challenge of information.

Focus on You

When experiencing problems, rather than run off to here for either counseling or further motivation, handle yourself. A player in any sport, what would he be if he ran to coach every time he encountered a problem, especially during a game? Think for yourself. There was a time I posted a few field reports, and in retrospect what a blooper. The funnest part of your experiences will be discovering new things on your own, conjuring up new things and trying them out, for better and for worse. The funnest part of your experiences will be when you find yourself in a situation, having no idea what to do, and just diving in doing whatever.

 

[kickman72]

so true,man this week i've been focusing on improving my inner game and i actually am seeing the world differently. great stuff

 

[donshawv]

good post!

this all seems true! one thing i have trouble with is deciding what i actually want to do to get a life. most of the time i'd rather sit at home than go out and do anything productive.

 

[RawkinKaoticStyle]

same with me man

 

[Drow]

I did a post on this before, but everyday since then I come to realize more and more what focusing on yourself means.

You focus on what YOU do. Not what others DO or SAY. What YOU say or do.

It becomes more of a reality every day once you realize to focus on yourself.

Rather than focusing on what other people say, and being reactant to others, you focus on yourself and are proactive to the world. You focus your thoughts into the conversation. You focus your thoughts the actions you do. Your are not reactant to anything but yourself. You dictate what goes on.

I was thinking about this the other day and you could detail this out exponentially.

Basically you are learning how to become the person you want to be. You focus on YOUR dreams, you focus on YOUR passions, you focus on how YOU act, and how you REACT.

Our lives focus around ourselves, so why are we so sculpted by others? The greatest thing in life is that we can define ourselves anyway that we want to. We don't have to become who are parents want us to be. YOU can become whoever YOU want to be.

You just have to think. Get rid of your insecurities, get rid of defining yourself through others.

THINK and OBSERVE and become the person you want to be.

 

[Pook]

Exactly!

What the author said is right.

Deep Dish judging Deep Dish?

 

[phloyd]

This is a good post Deep Dish.


I've been experiencing something very much similar lately. My life seems to get perpetually more bizarre every day.


After reading your Take Yourself Out post a few weeks ago. I did just that right after reading it. I'm glad I did. It was a learning experience I won't forget!


Once you make this a habit it just keeps getting easier to do it.


The best thing I think I've realized so far when it comes to focusing on yourself is that there is no ceiling to self improvement and learning new things.

 

[Deep Dish]

Downshawv:
One thing I have trouble with is deciding what I actually want to do to get a life.

Try it all. You may want to try things which you'd think are not for you. You never know what may be a match. Let experience guide you to what's for you, not intellect.

Pook:
Deep Dish judging Deep Dish?

Yes! Isn't that the point?

It was quite fun.

Phloyd:
After reading your Take Yourself Out post a few weeks ago. I did just that right after reading it. I'm glad I did. It was a learning experience I won't forget!

Don't leave us in the dark, do tell. We lend you our ears, now fill them up with your unforgettable adventure!

 

[phloyd]

my little adventure

Ok, it was a friday nightif I remember correctly and I didn't have anythingplanned for the evening.So I got home from work and came across Deep Dish's Take Yourself Out post.

I've realized that just getting out there alone and experiencing the world is probably my biggest weekness. After I read that post I got really motivated for action.

I posted a reply, changed clothes, got in my truck and took off to nowhere in particular. I figured I would just drive untill I found someplace that looked interesting. I only got a couple of miles when I passed by a bar that I went to one time last year with some friends. I decided to stop in and have a beer or two.

I was pretty nervous because up untill that point I had never gone to a bar by myself. Just going in was the toughest part. It was still kind of early ( around 8:00 pm) so there was only about 10 people there at first.

There were 2 nice looking women sitting by themselves and 5 older guys in their 50's or so sitting on the other side of the bar plus a man and a woman playing pool and the bartender. I sat down 1 seat away from the 2 women.

The first 10 or 15 minutes I just observed everyone there and tried to listen in on some conversations for possible seeds to start some conversations of my own.

It quickly became apparent that the older guys were regulars and they were hitting on the women ( one guy named tommy in particular) very aggressively. Tommy was buying them drinks, telling them they were beautiful, saying he had a lot of money etc.

The bartender was talking to the two women and I overheard the younger of the two women say she used to date a guy from a local cycling race team. I'm a cyclist and know quit a few of the guys on that team so I had an easy conversation topic for later.

I think I started talking to the bartender first, then the older of the two women everything just started rolling from there. I think I met and had some interesting conversations with at least 15 people that night. It just seemed a lot easier than I thought it would be.

The only problem was that after I befriended the older guys, they kept buying me beers. It's amazing to see how many older people are still desperate afc's. I was giving them some little tidbits of DJ advice and they were loving it!

Time went by very quickly and it was already after 1:00 am. I had to go to work the next day and the beer was flowing past my limits so I had to get out of there.

That night is probably no big deal to most people, but for me it seemed to be a turning point. I think in the last 3 weeks I've got more phone numbers and been in more social situations than in the last year.

Anyway thanks for the kick start!