The DJ rules...Do they actually work?

[krd]

Now I'm really confused. I found out that a girl I know might like me. So what's the problem here? The problem is (believe it or not), I don't like her. I get along with her better than most people, and I think of her as a friend, but nothing more. A guy I spoke to in the lobby, whom I guess talks to her sometimes, asked me today if I liked her. I told him I didn't, but asked him if she would be disappointed if she found out. He said that she was kind of wondering if something could happen between us, but that she wouldn't be devastated if it didn't. I told him it was probably best not to say anything unless she brings up the subject and he agreed. Then the guy asks me if I'm gay! (He says it's something else about me that she and her friends were wondering about, but I'm not really sure. This guy always seemed a bit fruity; I hope he wasn't coming on to me! By the way, I told him "absolutely not!")

Anyway, I don't get it. I did all kind of things that a DJ just isn't supposed to do around a woman. I let her talk to me about her feelings, her recent break up with her boyfriend, how she and her parents don't get along, all kinds of girly stuff. I told her about my insecurities, how I'm always worrying about what people are saying about me, how self-concious I am that I still live with my mom. What's more, she tells me that she often hears some people we both know saying things about me behind my back. All of these things, I thought, would ensure me a permanent residence with this girl in the "friend zone"

I just don't get it. With girls I'm actually attracted to, I try to follow all the DJ rules with, and they hardly even give me the time of day. Then a girl comes along with whom I do and say all the wrong things, and it looks like I won't be able to get rid of her. What's the deal with that? Does the advice so freely tossed around in this forum actually work? Or have I been doing the wrong thing all along? Maybe I should start taking the advice of all the females who say that a woman prefers a "sensitive guy" (a.k.a., chump). Then the girls'll be falling all over me!!

[This message has been edited by krd (edited 12-05-2001).]

 

[Wyldfire]

Contrary to popular belief here, being in the "Friend Zone" doesn't mean you are stuck there. All it takes is one person putting the idea of a romantic involvement with a male friend in a girl's head and she will start thinking about it. Usually it's one of her friends that puts the idea in her head. If she thinks you are cute and she really cares about you and you feel the same about her, it can be a relationship that endures the test of time.

Chances are, one of this girl's friends put the idea in her head.
Some women DO want a sensitive and caring guy. Not all, but there are some. She's one of them.

 

[Don Phenom]

Nicely put Wyldfire, I'd say about 2 out of every 10.

krd, the reason this chick is into you is because you make her feel comfortable, that's all it takes. She probably was attracted to you a long time ago, but since you weren't, you didn't pick up on it. You were comfortable around her, this made you seem even more attractive because you were calm, confident and cool, at least around her.

Learn how to be like that around girls you like and then you'll start getting somewhere, but you have to put yourself out there first man.
Finito

------------------
Don Phenom-Unphasable, you couldn't make me lose my cool if you set me on fire. My motto is simply "I will not lose."

 

[PortugueseMeatball]

That girl lost her boyfriend and now she's looking for a puppy replacement, someone she can boss around. Thank goodness you're not infatuated over her, otherwise... and stop thinking about her before you get infatuated!!

Oh, and don't forget to use her for your advantage (i.e., social proof) if you can...

And keep going for those HBs. Practice, practice, practice...

 

[comote]

It is not about the dj rules or not. It is about the attitude. The dj rules are like a guide to not appear to desperate for her attention. You could get away with breaking them because you really were not desperate for her attention. She picked up on this and this is why she is interested.
This is why it is best to not make one girl the center of your world. If you keep this mindset with the girls you are attracted to you won;t have to follow all the rules. The way of being a dj will be natural to you.

------------------
The very first step to becoming what you want to be is to accept all responsibility for the situation you are in.
in short: quit whining!!!!!!!!!

 

[Hidden-Danjer]

Okay, let's seee...

After being around here for what seems like countless years I would say the most important lesson to learn from this site is:

Don't take any advice you get in this or other forums as being totally right.

I have said this many times and I'll say it again... Read the articles on the main site and follow them.

Come to the Discussion forum to discuss using these techniques.

I think the main problem is that not enough people read the articles on the main site or go back to them once they have read them.

There is a lot of great advice on this forum, don't get me wrong... But with anywhere there is lots of bad advice too.

My advice to you would be re-read the articles on the main site and follow the techniques and ideas they give you.

When it comes to using the Discussion forum I would only take advice from someone who has proved their advice to be worthy SEVERAL times.

Taking advice from some newbie who has may never have read any of the amazing content on the main site could very easily tell you to do the wrong thing.

The whole point of advice is that it is just that, ADVICE -You don't have to follow it blindly!

If someone's advice doesn't seem to be right to you then it probably isn't.

At the end of the day I only listen to people who have proved their techniques, styles and mindsets to work.

Just my thoughts...


------------------
*Hidden-Danjer*

Yes, I am British... Yes, I am better than the rest of you!

Visit my website, tell me what you think?

www.RampantRabbit.com
www.GirlfriendProblems.com

 

[Jake Steed]

krd, if you think the DJ tactics don't work, then why are you here? You were an AFC before, right? Did that mindset work for you before? How much tail were you getting then?

Don Phenom is right. The reason this girl's interested in you is you don't give off the nervous, unconfident vibe you subconsiously give off around women you like. With time and practice, that will fade.

"Chances are, one of this girl's friends put the idea in her head.
Some women DO want a sensitive and caring guy. Not all, but there are some. She's one of them." --Wyldfire

*throws arms up in the air* So you're saying women are so weak they need their friends to tell them who to date? Yet again more proof that most women are sheep when it comes to choosing a mate. Ugh.

By the way, this is totally true and it disgusts me. Back in jr high, Sally only noticed Bobby after Tricia, Tammy, and Beth thought he was cute. Guys, the lemming mentality doesn't get any better with age.

Jake

 

[Big N]

Wyldefire is just saying that her & her friends were probably joking about him in a certain way. You know, the old, "I see you around him so much, its almost like you guys are going out." This probably wasnt inconceivable to this girl, since I am assuming that krd is a chickmagnet. So, the girl changed the way she looked at krd, and admitted to herself that, since he is good-looking, they should be more than friends.

 

[Heart Of Stone]

Does the advice so freely tossed around in this forum actually work?

krd,

Try to look at it this way:

Don't think of it as advice, but look at it as different options. The guys give you an option that has worked for them. Your job is to pick the option that you think is best suited for your situation. Then you go out and see if that option is good or bad for you.

If that particular option didn't work out good for you, then you keep experimenting until you find one that does.

Everybody's advice/option is good. It might not be good for you, but it might help the next DJ tremendously.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Big N:
Wyldefire is just saying that her & her friends were probably joking about him in a certain way. You know, the old, "I see you around him so much, its almost like you guys are going out." This probably wasnt inconceivable to this girl, since I am assuming that krd is a chickmagnet. So, the girl changed the way she looked at krd, and admitted to herself that, since he is good-looking, they should be more than friends.

That's exactly what I meant. If a girl's female friends questions them about what's going on between her and a male friend that's all it takes to put the idea in her head. Refer to Bonnie Raitts "Let's Give 'Em Something to Talk About"...a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

 

[Sir_Chancealot]

Originally posted by krd:
Now I'm really confused. I found out that a girl I know might like me. So what's the problem here? The problem is (believe it or not), I don't like her. I get along with her better than most people, and I think of her as a friend, but nothing more. A guy I spoke to in the lobby, whom I guess talks to her sometimes, asked me today if I liked her. I told him I didn't, but asked him if she would be disappointed if she found out. He said that she was kind of wondering if something could happen between us, but that she wouldn't be devastated if it didn't. I told him it was probably best not to say anything unless she brings up the subject and he agreed. Then the guy asks me if I'm gay! (He says it's something else about me that she and her friends were wondering about, but I'm not really sure. This guy always seemed a bit fruity; I hope he wasn't coming on to me! By the way, I told him "absolutely not!")

Anyway, I don't get it. I did all kind of things that a DJ just isn't supposed to do around a woman. I let her talk to me about her feelings, her recent break up with her boyfriend, how she and her parents don't get along, all kinds of girly stuff. I told her about my insecurities, how I'm always worrying about what people are saying about me, how self-concious I am that I still live with my mom. What's more, she tells me that she often hears some people we both know saying things about me behind my back. All of these things, I thought, would ensure me a permanent residence with this girl in the "friend zone"

I just don't get it. With girls I'm actually attracted to, I try to follow all the DJ rules with, and they hardly even give me the time of day. Then a girl comes along with whom I do and say all the wrong things, and it looks like I won't be able to get rid of her. What's the deal with that? Does the advice so freely tossed around in this forum actually work? Or have I been doing the wrong thing all along? Maybe I should start taking the advice of all the females who say that a woman prefers a "sensitive guy" (a.k.a., chump). Then the girls'll be falling all over me!!

[This message has been edited by krd (edited 12-05-2001).]

You might want to re-evaluate your situation. Is she hot? If so, I think you might be throwing away a good thing without even realizing it.

Just make sure you don't kick yourself in the @ss about it in 10 years.

 

[krd]

"Contrary to popular belief here, being in the "Friend Zone" doesn't mean you are stuck there. All it takes is one person putting the idea of a romantic involvement with a male friend in a girl's head and she will start thinking about it. Usually it's one of her friends that puts the idea in her head."--Wyldfire

I'm not really sure if this was before or after she started becoming interested, but she mentioned that one person was teasing her about us being together. So I think you're right in saying this was probably what happened.

"Taking advice from some newbie who has may never have read any of the amazing content on the main site could very easily tell you to do the wrong thing."--Hidden-Danjer

True, I may occasionally be given a dud as far as suggestions go, but I don't think it's too difficult to separate the diamonds fron the dirt. There seems to be a consistency to most of the advice on this forum. I come here to voice my opinions as well as to seek advice that pertains more specifically to my situation. But such ideas as being a challenge, making eye contact, smiling and acting confident, are just basic DJ philosophies that are frequently talked about on the main site. And that is what I base my decisions on, rather than a post from one particular person.

"krd, if you think the DJ tactics don't work, then why are you here? You were an AFC before, right? Did that mindset work for you before? How much tail were you getting then?

Don Phenom is right. The reason this girl's interested in you is you don't give off the nervous, unconfident vibe you subconsiously give off around women you like. With time and practice, that will fade."--Jake Steed

I never said the DJ tactics didn't work. But as Hidden-Danjer pointed out, I shouldn't follow it blindly either. All I was saying is that I am not seeing the results I had hoped for, and I've been on this site for quite a long time. I definitely wasn't successful back then as an AFC, but I can't truly say I'm any more successful now. Sure, I may be more confident and at ease around girls, but I still can't get one. I think it's only right to question what is being fed to me. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to take it into consideration, I simply want to look at things from more than just one angle.

And I know exactly what you are talking about, but I believe I did exactly the opposite of what you say. I let my guard down with this girl; I let her know how insecure and unconfident I actually was. She's a great person to talk to about personal stuff, and I don't find people like that too often. But at this point, she already knows way too much about me. This girl has a history of bad relationships and her self confidence is low. A more well adjusted girl with less baggage would probably have gone running by now.

"You might want to re-evaluate your situation. Is she hot? If so, I think you might be throwing away a good thing without even realizing it.

Just make sure you don't kick yourself in the @ss about it in 10 years."--Sir_Chancelot

No, she's not hot, and I'm not attracted to her. That's the problem. If I did feel that way about her, I'd be floating on a cloud right now! Unfortunately, life is never that simple.




[This message has been edited by krd (edited 12-07-2001).]

 

[Wyldfire]

krd...it's a real shame that you aren't attracted to her, because the kind of friendship you are describing is exactly the kind I had with the greatest love of my life. Is she just a bit plain to you, a tomboy or is there something about her that just turns you off? I ask this because if the attraction issue could be somehow changed if she wore her hair different or wore make up or something...a friendly suggestion by the guy she cares about would very likely instigate her to do a little more to look more appealing to him. If there's a way for her to be attractive to you with that level of friendship...it would definitely be worth some consideration. Being able to relate to a member of the opposite sex that way just doesn't come around very often, and not at all for some people. Whatever the outcome, don't take that girl for granted...a friendship like that is rare.

 

[krd]

Originally posted by Wyldfire:
krd...it's a real shame that you aren't attracted to her, because the kind of friendship you are describing is exactly the kind I had with the greatest love of my life. Is she just a bit plain to you, a tomboy or is there something about her that just turns you off? I ask this because if the attraction issue could be somehow changed if she wore her hair different or wore make up or something...a friendly suggestion by the guy she cares about would very likely instigate her to do a little more to look more appealing to him. If there's a way for her to be attractive to you with that level of friendship...it would definitely be worth some consideration. Being able to relate to a member of the opposite sex that way just doesn't come around very often, and not at all for some people. Whatever the outcome, don't take that girl for granted...a friendship like that is rare.

Wyldfire, you mean to tell me that you wouldn't mind if a guy tells you what's wrong with the way you look? Even if I were to put it in the nicest way possible, wouldn't you start reading into what I said and take it personally? I'm a guy, and I even do that sometimes. I always hear that women were super-sensitive about their looks. Plus, from talking to this girl, I realize that her self esteem is shaky and she takes what people say to her personally. I wouldn't want to make her feel worse. Plus, I already told her that I didn't think things would work out between us and I like her just as a friend. That makes me feel guilty enough!

By the way, this girl is not ugly, but she's not eye-catching either. She's slighty over weight, with long straight hair and wears glasses. I don't mind girls who are plain, or slightly overweight. But I'm the kind of guy who goes for a pretty face, and there's nothing about her that really hooks me; her eyes and smile are both very ordinary. If we were to have a relationship, I think I'd kind of feel trapped, because I'd be stuck with a girl I wasn't really attracted to. And if another girl I really liked started showing me interest, I'd be even more frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it.

 

[Wyldfire]

krd...it all depends on how you say it. For instance, she might have very pretty eyes that no one notices because of the reflection from her glasses. So, you could say something like "You know, you have nice eyes. Have you ever thought about getting contacts? It's a shame to hide them behind glasses if you can use contacts instead." If she would benefit from make up, you say something like.."You have high cheek bones. Have you ever tried blush to show them off?"

The secret is to compliment the feature and put the idea of playing it up in her head. Another idea...tell her her now nice her long hair is and ask her if she's ever had a perm. Or, you could always go to her mother secretly and tell her that you know she's kind of self conscious of her looks and suggest that they give her gift certificates for a make over for a holiday gift...a perm and highlight, a make up consult with certificate to buy the stuff they tell her she should use, and contacts.

Any plain looking girl can get a make over and be really attractive. She just has to figure out what her best look is.

Cosmopolitan has this computer makeover program that would be a good gift idea too. If she's self conscious, a make over would do wonders to boost her ego.

 

[krd]

Yeah, I guess she could only benefit from a couple of helpful suggestions from a friend. But trying to convince her to change her appearance just so that I'd want to go out with her? The simple fact is I don't find her particularly attractive, and I'm inclined to think that it would be a waste of my time and energy. Isn't it a better idea to go for the girls I'm attracted to in the first place?

And although this is the main reason I don't want to go out with her, I can definitely spot other warning signs that this girl may not be the right one to get involved with. She's been having a real emotional time dealing with the break-up with her boyfriend and is on the rebound. Until now, she's been relying quite heavily on him for support and isn't sure what to do now that she is on her own. She's had a troubled relationship with her parents which she claims led her down a path of bad relationships pretty early in life. In other words: baggage, baggage, baggage. That together with the fact that I don't really have any romantic feelings for her and I have to ask, is it really worth getting involved with someone like this? I already have my own issues to deal with, as many of you already know from reading my posts. I wouldn't want to do any further damage to either of us. I think we might have something good going as just friends, I wouldn't want to screw that up.

So getting back to the original topic, should I continue to follow the DJ rules? I'm reluctant to give up on them because, it's apparently worked for so many of you. But in the two years I've been coming to this site, I just haven't gotten them to work for me yet. And with the recent situation between me and this girl, I'm sure you can see why I'd be skeptical. Somehow, I keep hoping that if I just hang in there long enough, it'll all start paying off.

 

[Take No Dirt]

krd wrote "By the way, this girl is not ugly, but she's not eye-catching either. She's slighty over weight, with long straight hair and wears glasses. I don't mind girls who are plain, or slightly overweight. But I'm the kind of guy who goes for a pretty face, and there's nothing about her that really hooks me; her eyes and smile are both very ordinary. If we were to have a relationship, I think I'd kind of feel trapped, because I'd be stuck with a girl I wasn't really attracted to. And if another girl I really liked started showing me interest, I'd be even more frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it."

--------

Hey krd, don't compromise on your ideals for a gal. If a pretty face is really that important to you, don't settle for a plain looking gal. There has to be that physical attraction right off the bat.

In my experiences, I've seen some plain looking gals become more attractive through a new hairstyle, makeup, wearing perfume, a nail job, losing a lot of weight, wearing skimpy outfits and new shoes. I could not believe the overnight transformation! But your lady friend has to change herself, not you.

 

[Jwheatly]

"Some women DO want a sensitive and caring guy. Not all, but there are some. She's one of them."

BOOOOOOOOO!@!!!

Stop zE PoIsening, Ms wyldfire. Yu dirty RaT

 

[lordclem*]

Originally posted by Jwheatly:
"Some women DO want a sensitive and caring guy. Not all, but there are some. She's one of them."

BOOOOOOOOO!@!!!

Stop zE PoIsening, Ms wyldfire. Yu dirty RaT

yezzz
ve havvve wayzz of making oF MAkInG UZ tALk

i really would like to belive this really i think there is ....there has to be ....at least some or well......quiet frankly were fcuked. saying that tho i am not holding my breath (i am not totaly stupid)because i have never seen or heard of one of these women.
also i think its time men like our selfs step up.so that these women where ever they are come out of there shells and the woodwork.
because if we are not visbile then they will not conculde that we do not exist.like we tend to do about them. that said i think we djs convert more ..and go out and multiply (even if they are virgins)monster .........what the hell...stop!! am i ok??
i am defending the type of women that i have never seen are heard of??!! simply because i hope/think that she should exists??!!
**** time out i need a drink

the devil

 

[krd]

This girl has told me she kind of goes for the geeks rather than the the jocks or preppy types, so that kind of clues me in on what she thinks of me, and perhaps what other girls think of me as well. As far back as grade school, I was always considered a geek. In high school, everyone thought I was weird because I was very quiet and didn't speak to anybody. So maybe the reason why most girls aren't interested in me, and why this one is, is because I still give off those kind of vibes, even though I try hard not to. You know, "once a geek, always a geek." With her low self esteem and the fact that she's on the rebound, she probably sees me as someone who's "attainable". Which would be fine with me, if it wasn't for the fact that I just don't find her attractive.

Although I wonder sometimes if I really think I could do any better than her. Maybe I should just face that this could be the only opportunity I'll ever have of my young life to have a relationship with someone and just go with it.