The DJ Bible doesn't work for me

[izza]

Well, where I see myself,,, hmmm, not very high. Like if I see a group of nerds I could have a friendly convo because I would feel above them, but if I perceive someone above that, it would be awkward.

You know it's kind of funny. I used to feel the same way - putting people in categories above and below me - until I began framing people a different way. I believe you can make this change without too much difficulty. I used to see people in school or other places that I thought were cool. I'd try to hang out with them and I'd find myself flabbergasted - I just had nothing to say. And yeah, part of it is self-esteem, and part of it is jealousy or judgment against the cool kids.

Anyway, I started making friends I really like, who bring out the best in me and support me. Actually, some of them had been popular in high school (not that that matters). Point is, I finally gained the confidence to hang out with a bunch of kids I had assumed were better than me in high school. We went to a bar - I don't drink - and so I sat around and I watched them drink and talk about stuff that didn't interest me. I realized that these people didn't speak a foreign language, play an instrument, read philosophy, or make a project of knowing themselves. You know what I realized? It's not that I was better than them at all, or that they were better than me. We were just incompatible.

We were just incompatible. That's why I'd never had much to say. And that's ok.

The same is true for women. I mean there are a lot of really hot women out there. That doesn't mean interacting with them necessarily brings benefits to both our lives. Or we each mutually have something to offer. I'm looking for people who are good medicine for me. And it's really not that hard to meet hot women who are good medicine. Same with good friends. But you have to look.

So I feel way better about the cool kids these days. I figure the people I'm REALLY compatible with, I'll probably click right away. Maybe I could click with a lot of the people I used to think were so amazing - it would just take more effort.

In short, I stopped taking my speechlessness personally. It was just a question of incompatibility at a particular moment. If they'd been talking about stuff I had bothered to learn about earlier, obviously I'd have more to say.

Why? I really don't know. It's just something I do.

Do you know why you see the world in judgment? One of my best friends theorizes that she just doesn't like herself. An interesting thing she's doing to eliminate judgment from her life is letting herself be more selfish. I think a lot of her judgment came against people she viewed as holding selfish jobs, buying selfish cars etc. Basically not watching out for the good of mankind. I don't want that girl to lose sight of trying to help mankind. Still, I think she can reasonable stop hating that part of herself that wants a McDonald's hamburger.

I agree totally. It's just knocking down this barrier that I don't know what to do.

Yeah, it's tough to know exactly how to proceed. I don't want to claim that this will solve the problem. I just think that everyone is different and unique, and that people on a website can help a lot and can't do everything. It seems to me that you know yourself reasonably well. I would start by doing things to get to know yourself better. Take dream journals (Fingz, thanks for the Carlos Castaneda recommendations by the way), ask your family and friends for lots of massages. A lot of research is showing that relaxing the body is a great way to find a break psychological barriers.

I think it comes back down to the judging part. My friends have already accepted me. They know who I am and they accept me for that so the hierarchy scale disappears, but let's say I was to go out with a group of my friend's friends, the hierarchy would return.

Put simply, I don't believe you. 1.) If your friends AND family accepted you for who you are, dating would be a cinch. Honestly. Meeting women is so easy once you have great relationships with friends, if not your family. Note that I didn't say have friends, I didn't say have good relationships, I said great relationships with family and friends.

2.) I'm sort of suspicious of how easily you said that your friends accept you for who you are. First of all, great friends who help you grow and will accept you in any form are are not easy to come by. I didn't know how to find them and so I didn't have great friend-relationships like that for years. For years! I had found people I had fun with and who cared about me, but I didn't know how to *build* a great friendship out of good friendship.

And second of all, being accepted for who you are means expressing who you are. This should be intuitive. They can't accept who you *really* are unless you are real with them. And that means telling them about topics such as this forum, about masturbation, about feeling alone, about being afraid to approach, and feeling vulnerable. Tell your friends and family these things and whatever else embarrasses you. Whatever is part of your dark side. If you're not telling them about that now, start.

Again, if you can think out loud - the ultimate in honesty - to your friends and family, getting women is really not that difficult. Great conversations and approaches with women grow out of an excellent soil of friendships.

I might have to give that a try. I know juggler recommends the vacum, where you just don't say anything and create that awkward silence(that I hate), and sort of hold the body language that I expect their reply.

If you don't like the vacuum, don't use it. I don't even think about it and I do just fine. I'm not claiming I'm some expert on women. I do ok. I do know a lot about healthy and fulfilling personal growth, though.

I wasn't trying to disrespect him, but "grab your balls" seems to be an overly vague PUA cliche.

I think I've respectfully taken issue with that metaphor, which implies to me that dating requires bravado. Dating is supposed to be fun - and when I'm having fun, bravado is easy or not even part of the equation. In my experience it doesn't take vertebrae-finding, or ball-fondling. If I can't approach a girl in the moment, I just don't do it. Now being yourself around your friends and family who love you, yeah that takes all the PUA cliches you can think of. It's really worth it though and will give you such a strong foundation that approaching becomes easy.

About Fingz, yeah, try to take advantage as much as you can that he's taken the time to respond to you. I was trying to score points by sticking up for my future Spanish couch-host. Honestly though, that guy's posts have helped me a lot. (4 more couch-points!)

Thanks for your input.

You're welcome. Thanks for being honest and therefore interesting.

 

[Interceptor]

What I see here is that he seems to have this incredible fear. Maybe of being vulnerable? Being exposed? Being judged?

This is something that hold a lot of people back.

This often happens when we place too much importance on others perceptions and 'judgenments' about us.
WHne in reality, we cannot control what other people think about us anyway.
And truuthfully, a LO of people are wayyy more insecure that they let on. Dont think that a lot of people you meet are Reallly THAT confident. For many, its all an act. Put them under pressure and they will crack.

You have to build more understanding of your own Personal Value, and place VALUE on just WHAT Exactly you ARE DOING in Life.

Remember, you cannot control other people...you cannot control what they think about you.
You can only control the Emotions you feel when placed under these circumstances.
You control YOUR perceptions, not anyone else's.



If you are so afraid of being judged you will stagnate and regress.

Being a true mature masculine man means living on the EDGE of your Comfort Zone.
Why?

Because my Mission is more important and has more Value to me than some stranger's (usually ill informed) 'judgement' of me.

 

[Shyyhs]

Its refreshing to see someone so honest with themselves. There is more hope for you than a lot of dudes on this board.

The first thing you need to do is stop pressuring yourself. Interacting with people is supposed to be a fun experience, not a chore. You can do a million approaches, but if your state of mind is not right, then it will actually hurt more than harm you.

As for your lack of initiative, control of your emotions and overall anxiety. I highly recommend you check out these two posts.

The Missing Ingredient by guru1000

Destroying Social Phobias by yours truly

More food for thought.. I want you to think about your relationships with family and friends. How deeply and how often do you connect with them?

Also, think about how much time you spend alone and what you do with that time.

Thanks for those links. I'm going to give them a read later on today and put some serious thought into them.

 

[Shyyhs]

So I feel way better about the cool kids these days. I figure the people I'm REALLY compatible with, I'll probably click right away. Maybe I could click with a lot of the people I used to think were so amazing - it would just take more effort.

I've noticed in my life from child to now, my friends have been overly talkative people. It was almost like I was compensating for my lack of talk. They'd always fill the void.

Do you know why you see the world in judgment? One of my best friends theorizes that she just doesn't like herself. An interesting thing she's doing to eliminate judgment from her life is letting herself be more selfish. I think a lot of her judgment came against people she viewed as holding selfish jobs, buying selfish cars etc. Basically not watching out for the good of mankind. I don't want that girl to lose sight of trying to help mankind. Still, I think she can reasonable stop hating that part of herself that wants a McDonald's hamburger.

I'm not really sure. It's probably self esteem. I don't hold those views though. I don't feel guilty about things, except maybe not living up to my potential. Well, I guess it would have to be self esteem issue. I just view myself as less than everyone else, essentially.

Take dream journals (Fingz, thanks for the Carlos Castaneda recommendations by the way), ask your family and friends for lots of massages. A lot of research is showing that relaxing the body is a great way to find a break psychological barriers.

Hmmm, I'll give the massage stuff a go. Haven't really had one before. As for the dream journal. I'll get it out again. I did this a few years ago. I stopped because after a week I was writing pages of stuff and it was taking hours to do it. Plus my dreams were getting really really weird.

In fact I still remember the last dream I had that really shook me that I had to write it down. There were multiple tornadoes in it.

Put simply, I don't believe you. 1.) If your friends AND family accepted you for who you are, dating would be a cinch.

This is not the case.

And second of all, being accepted for who you are means expressing who you are. This should be intuitive. They can't accept who you *really* are unless you are real with them. And that means telling them about topics such as this forum, about masturbation, about feeling alone, about being afraid to approach, and feeling vulnerable. Tell your friends and family these things and whatever else embarrasses you. Whatever is part of your dark side. If you're not telling them about that now, start.

Talk to my family about masturbation? I get what you're saying, I do. And when you put it like that, I'm not sure if I could do it.

bout Fingz, yeah, try to take advantage as much as you can that he's taken the time to respond to you. I was trying to score points by sticking up for my future Spanish couch-host. Honestly though, that guy's posts have helped me a lot. (4 more couch-points!)

I'll pick his brain lol.

 

[Shyyhs]

Remember, you cannot control other people...you cannot control what they think about you.
You can only control the Emotions you feel when placed under these circumstances.

These are logical things I always tell myself. I've been telling myself for years. It's odd. I believe I said this in another topic, that I can go around in the middle of winter in shorts and flip flops in public and not care. I can go out for the day as a grease ball or not and it doesn't matter to me. It's the interactions. I have no idea why.

If you are so afraid of being judged you will stagnate and regress.

Being a true mature masculine man means living on the EDGE of your Comfort Zone.
Why?

Because my Mission is more important and has more Value to me than some stranger's (usually ill informed) 'judgement' of me.

I agree. These are logical things I know. I'm a big fan of Ayn Rand, and her idea of heroes. People that live their life by their rules and do what they want and live their life to the best of their potential. Pushing into into the emotional side of the brain is where it's all missing.

 

[Shyyhs]

Just another insight into me. I think one of the reasons I can't express myself is because I'm not reading myself. I couldn't tell you my emotions. It's odd. It's like blah. If I go and do something, it was be just blah. Not good, not bad, but blah. Goto a concert, it's not good, or bad, it's blah. Everything has this neutral feel to it. Emotionless. Lack of feeling. I want to have super highs and rocky lows. I want to be pissed off sometimes and dìckish other times.

 

[Interceptor]

Shy,
this sounds a lot like you just have a major identity crisis.

You dont really know yourself.

And you are living your life in fear and apprehension. Afraid to make mistakes in front of people.

Instead of going out and living life, you are trying to live a 'safe' life. A life of guaranteed security.
So you withdraw. Because you dont want to show yourself.
Especially, since you dont really know who your SELF really is.


The thing is, look at yourself.

You dont understand the value of emotions right now. And part of that is because you lack the perspective on how to deal with them.

You wont let yourself "FEEL". Because you may be afriad of what you may feel.

The best way IMO to look at emotions as things that you FEEL.
Not WHAT YOU ARE.

Instead of seeing things as : I AM DEPRESSED and SAD!"
You simply acknowledge: "Yeah, I am feeling depressed about this."

Can you notice the difference?






What have you accomplished with this notion?

Youre not happy with it, are you?

This means that you beliefs are NOT WORKING for you.

 

[NoMoreTapDancing]

You have to work at these things. You cannot read the DJ Bible and think it's going to suddenly give you god-like powers over women. If you believe that then you are being sold a lie. Secondly DO THE WORK. I know SO many people who read and read and read but don't put what they've learnt into action, believe me on this, because I do this myself. Learning to overcome ones fears is much more rewarding than that because it's learning to conquer yourself and find your place in the world. Dont read the techniques then not actually try them, dont give up after the first hurdle, if you want it badly enough, go get it, do what it takes!

 

[Shyyhs]

Shy,
this sounds a lot like you just have a major identity crisis.

You dont really know yourself.

And you are living your life in fear and apprehension. Afraid to make mistakes in front of people.

Instead of going out and living life, you are trying to live a 'safe' life. A life of guaranteed security.
So you withdraw. Because you dont want to show yourself.
Especially, since you dont really know who your SELF really is.

It could possibly be an identity crisis. Or lack of identity thereof. Or an embarrassment of identity.

What have you accomplished with this notion?

Not much.

Youre not happy with it, are you?

nope.

This means that you beliefs are NOT WORKING for you.

Of course. Something is definitely not working, or I'd probably be living the life I want.

 

[Shyyhs]

You have to work at these things. You cannot read the DJ Bible and think it's going to suddenly give you god-like powers over women. If you believe that then you are being sold a lie. Secondly DO THE WORK. I know SO many people who read and read and read but don't put what they've learnt into action, believe me on this, because I do this myself. Learning to overcome ones fears is much more rewarding than that because it's learning to conquer yourself and find your place in the world. Dont read the techniques then not actually try them, dont give up after the first hurdle, if you want it badly enough, go get it, do what it takes!

*rolls eyes* Please go back and read the thread.

 

[Interceptor]

Shy,
then you NEED to start on a personal Quest to KNOW YOURSELF, man.

You need to literally WRITE OUT a list of things that you enjoy, that you like doing, tha you are passionate about!

Shy, you have to do this, man.


get a pen and paper and do this.

Seriously.


And start to think about what your life COULD be.

Let go of 'what could have been"

And start to look at WHAT WILL BE!

What WILL be the LIFE you Choose, Shy??

What WILL IT BE?

You need to get into yourself. DIg Deep. Be a man. A man who faces his fears, and faces UNCERTAINTY.

Shy, THIS is what being a mature masculine man is all about.

Having Confidence in the face of FEAR and UNCERTAINTY.

You CANNOT Overcome another person's UNCERTAINTY with UNCERTAINTY of you OWN!!


Shy, man.
Right now, there is a life out there waiting for YOU to find it.

There is a Woman out there waiting for YOU to find her.

Dude, OTHER guys are doing it!
Why NOT you???!!

Why are YOU stopping yourself?

Let go of the brakes, man. And full speed ahead.

Failure is wht you're doing now.

Life is what you will LIVE if you let yourself LIVE!!

If you learn how to handle your emotions, then , when the tough times come you will be able to HANDLE THEM.
But you will stay in extended adolescent phase into your middle age if you go this way.
You will use a fearful 'boy psychology', which is more terifying than living life as a mature man!

You need to define your Misision in Life.

What are your personal Mission Objectives?

THIS is what will GROUND you, and ANCHOR you to the security and stability you need.
Because Courage and Confidence will carry you through the fire when you live life in uncertainty.

So get off the forum now. And dedicate this week to self reflection and finding out who you are, and what you want.

You need to ask yourself

What do I want?

how do I get it?

Where do I want to go?

Who will go with me?

 

[izza]

I've noticed in my life from child to now, my friends have been overly talkative people. It was almost like I was compensating for my lack of talk. They'd always fill the void.

There's nothing wrong with that. I get the feeling you think this is somehow horrifying or shameful. I too have always been surrounded by talkers. Mega-talkers. The type of talkers that you have to slap them to get a word in. I've met not-that-attractive guys who get lots of women. And trust me, if these guys were paid by the word like Charles ****ens, they couldn't break a nickel.

What counts is that you find a style that fits who you are. We can't sit here and tell you what that is. We can give you sweaters to try on, but you have to figure out what fits. You know that already - I hope it doesn't seem like I'm lecturing you - oh, Professor Izza lol. I am very open that I have a lot of flaws with women. I am just sharing my experience with you, having gone from completely unable to approach to able to approach no problem in a lot of situations. I'm still working on it.

I'm not really sure. It's probably self esteem. I don't hold those views though.

I'm not saying you do. My friend is very extreme in that sense - her entire family has been arrested for civil disobedience, her grandparents escaped from Nazi Germany by the skin on their teeth. That kind of thing.

Work with me here

I don't feel guilty about things, except maybe not living up to my potential. Well, I guess it would have to be self esteem issue. I just view myself as less than everyone else, essentially.

I hear you man. You feel inadequate to meet "normal" expectations. I feel the same way with women with my beard all bushy and wearing ragged clothes, plus those juggling balls and clown nose complicate everything.

Hmmm, I'll give the massage stuff a go. Haven't really had one before.

And you're trying to convince me that you have great friends?! They wouldn't last a day in my world, that's for sure!!!

As for the dream journal. I'll get it out again. I did this a few years ago. I stopped because after a week I was writing pages of stuff and it was taking hours to do it. Plus my dreams were getting really really weird.

Man, I love your willingness to try things, and your openness of mind. Like Senor said (that's at least 1 couch-point right there) - you're going to go farther faster than a lot of guys here because of that. Dreams are so fascinating to me. I just finished reading Freud's Interpretation of Dreams. It rocked my world. Anyway, since you're saying you present some slight numbing of emotions, I would suggest focusing your dream journal on recording how you felt during your dreams - the bad and please don't neglect the good.

In fact I still remember the last dream I had that really shook me that I had to write it down. There were multiple tornadoes in it.

Just promise me you won't traumatize yourself writing your dreams down. That's intense!!

This is not the case.

Ok, I respect your opinion. I have my own and that's ok too.

Talk to my family about masturbation? I get what you're saying, I do. And when you put it like that, I'm not sure if I could do it.

I hear you man. It took me a lot of hard work to be able to talk about it with my family. In fact, I just had a first real heart-to-heart masturbating talk with my lesbian friend the other day. It can be uncomfortable. It took me a long time.

Now that I can talk about that with her, I feel like she understands me better and is therefore more able to accept me for who I am.

All I'm saying is, don't tell me they accept you for who you are if you don't express who you are. Again, what makes me a bit suspicious of your "oh yes my family and friends accept me for who I am" statement is the flippance. The argument I'm making is that it's NOT POSSIBLE for them to completely accept you for who you are until you can express to them who you are completely.

If you can't tell people that you masturbate - something everybody does and believe me your parents already suspect you do (you've probably been too busy praying six hours a day last weekend to notice you left your wire-frame halo on the bus). If you can't talk to your parents about something so normal, why do you think walking up to some chick and putting the moves on her should be easy?!?! If you're so ashamed of your sexuality in such a mundane way, don't be so shocked that you have trouble approaching. Remember, approaching is an expression of sexuality as well.

So, I hear you in your discomfort. Yeah, I felt really awkward the first time I mentioned that I'd gotten a ******* to my dad. It felt uber-awkward. I know how hard that is and I empathize.

I will say, that if you can regularly tell *everyone* in your life about this website, about approaching, your fears about it, and masturbating - approaching women will be super easy. Once you're open about your sexuality with the people whose opinion SHAPES YOUR LIFE - rejection from some strange girl really doesn't hurt very much and is usually good for a laugh. Honestly. That's what great friends are for. Talking to women is really easy compared to telling friends and family about masturbation. I would be shocked if you still had trouble approaching.

Another thing will happen, you will actually be accepted for who you are. Again, this is because, finally, you will actually be telling people who you are. As of right now, they are just accepting an image of you - a shadow.

You're probably get an idea of why I'm suspicious of your "oh yes, they accept me." That's like saying "I hiked the entire Appalachian trail last week."

One thing: what you're feeling is completely normal and ok! You are ok just the way you are! It's ok to not think out loud all the time. It's ok to not be able to approach. You just haven't found a way that you're comfortable with to talk about sex with people. A lot, a lot of people have the same problem.

I remember I was reading this board, and everyone told me that they once saw approaching as hard, but then they learned. And I felt like "yeah, everyone else says that, but for me, nothing works!!" I felt really sad. I believe that someday you'll be saying the same thing to other people who don't believe you. It always works like that. I haven't seen much evidence that you have the emotional supports you need to make approaching a pleasant experience for you yet. It sounds to me like you should focus on friends, family, and hobbies you love for now.

I'd just like you to know that, for me at least, being accepted for who I am is a full-time job. I've been working on just simply expressing who I am for, what, a couple hours of writing and thinking per day. For a year. If you think I'm exaggerating, I just wish you could ask people who know me. My past has become my TV. And I'm not done. I still don't think out loud. There are so many things I still can't find a way to talk about with those who love me.

Just another insight into me. I think one of the reasons I can't express myself is because I'm not reading myself. I couldn't tell you my emotions. It's odd. It's like blah. If I go and do something, it was be just blah. Not good, not bad, but blah. Goto a concert, it's not good, or bad, it's blah. Everything has this neutral feel to it. Emotionless. Lack of feeling. I want to have super highs and rocky lows. I want to be pissed off sometimes and dìckish other times.

Sounds like minor numbness to me. It's not a big deal. You know, if you found a good way to say some of that stuff to women, a lot of chicks would be intrigued if you put it the right way. You might be surprised. I have a friend - oh god, he treats the entire universe like his personal psychotherapist. He is always talking to strangers about his issues - and trust me, that b!tch has a lot of issues. Women seem to end up falling in love with him somehow and sleeping with him "on the battlefield" as the French say. It really goes to show these guys who think that to pick up chicks you have to be as emotionally vulnerable as an IBM. That works for some people too, though.

What counts is that you find a style you like, that suits who you really are. And you have to sell it well. But honestly, if I were you, I would tell chicks about your lack of passion for life. Maybe go on a rant about how all this culminated in putting on a pair of khakis today. And look at these things, the beige isn't even a bright beige. Maybe get some rainbow colored socks as a gag.

Ok, I'm a big dork. But you can see the kinds of things I do to be completely honest but also irresistible to the ladies. (ok, one or two have resisted me, but I maintain they were lesbian )

Then ask them if they think you have "great friends" and yet you've never had a real massage. Just ask them who they think is on to something here, the massaged guy or the guy who's "never had" a real massage.

Izza

 

[Shyyhs]

There's nothing wrong with that. I get the feeling you think this is somehow horrifying or shameful. I too have always been surrounded by talkers. Mega-talkers. The type of talkers that you have to slap them to get a word in. I've met not-that-attractive guys who get lots of women. And trust me, if these guys were paid by the word like Charles ****ens, they couldn't break a nickel.

I was just thinking that I compensated myself out of a social life. When I was a kid, my friends would call me up and we'd go do something. Rarely was it the other way around. It was things like that. I was very passive too. As kids we've all been at that point where you're sitting around "What do you want to do?" I would always say, you decide.

Man, I love your willingness to try things, and your openness of mind. Like Senor said (that's at least 1 couch-point right there) - you're going to go farther faster than a lot of guys here because of that. Dreams are so fascinating to me. I just finished reading Freud's Interpretation of Dreams. It rocked my world. Anyway, since you're saying you present some slight numbing of emotions, I would suggest focusing your dream journal on recording how you felt during your dreams - the bad and please don't neglect the good.

I've got interested in dreams after reading Carl Jung's autobiography. I even picked up his book "Man and his Symbols". He used to shoot the sh*t with Freud and they both used to analyze each others dreams. Jung ended up having a falling out because he thought Freud was preaching and trying to create almost a religion. And he also thought he fell back too much on sex with everything.

Interesting stuff. Jung thought that dreams were a form of the unconscious mind to speak to the conscious mind. To help it. To guide it. Jung tried to figure them all out, and the last 40 years of his life he didn't have a dream.

Weird stuff. I'll try the journal again. I don't think I did much focusing on feelings and emotions of the dream, just the basic plot line.

Just promise me you won't traumatize yourself writing your dreams down. That's intense!!

I have different scenarios that recurr in some of my dreams. Anytime that I'm driving, the breaks don't work properly. I push the brakes, they slow down, but they never come to a did stop no matter how hard I push the break. And since I've graduated university(2 years ago), I've had dreams taking place back in university and I keep thinking I'm failing a course.

Weird stuff.

All I'm saying is, don't tell me they accept you for who you are if you don't express who you are.

I get what you're saying. I don't fully express myself to family and friends. It's just I give a lot more to family and friends and they accept me for that. And it happens to be the points I'm probably more insecure about.

If you can't tell people that you masturbate

I'm pretty sure it's an unspoken understanding. We're all human.

I will say, that if you can regularly tell *everyone* in your life about this website, about approaching, your fears about it, and masturbating - approaching women will be super easy. Once you're open about your sexuality with the people whose opinion SHAPES YOUR LIFE - rejection from some strange girl really doesn't hurt very much and is usually good for a laugh. Honestly. That's what great friends are for. Talking to women is really easy compared to telling friends and family about masturbation. I would be shocked if you still had trouble approaching.

Another thing will happen, you will actually be accepted for who you are. Again, this is because, finally, you will actually be telling people who you are. As of right now, they are just accepting an image of you - a shadow.

You're probably get an idea of why I'm suspicious of your "oh yes, they accept me." That's like saying "I hiked the entire Appalachian trail last week."

One thing: what you're feeling is completely normal and ok! You are ok just the way you are! It's ok to not think out loud all the time. It's ok to not be able to approach. You just haven't found a way that you're comfortable with to talk about sex with people. A lot, a lot of people have the same problem.

I remember I was reading this board, and everyone told me that they once saw approaching as hard, but then they learned. And I felt like "yeah, everyone else says that, but for me, nothing works!!" I felt really sad. I believe that someday you'll be saying the same thing to other people who don't believe you. It always works like that. I haven't seen much evidence that you have the emotional supports you need to make approaching a pleasant experience for you yet. It sounds to me like you should focus on friends, family, and hobbies you love for now.

I'd just like you to know that, for me at least, being accepted for who I am is a full-time job. I've been working on just simply expressing who I am for, what, a couple hours of writing and thinking per day. For a year. If you think I'm exaggerating, I just wish you could ask people who know me. My past has become my TV. And I'm not done. I still don't think out loud. There are so many things I still can't find a way to talk about with those who love me.

I'll definitely put a lot of thought into what you're saying here.

Sounds like minor numbness to me. It's not a big deal. You know, if you found a good way to say some of that stuff to women, a lot of chicks would be intrigued if you put it the right way. You might be surprised. I have a friend - oh god, he treats the entire universe like his personal psychotherapist. He is always talking to strangers about his issues - and trust me, that b!tch has a lot of issues. Women seem to end up falling in love with him somehow and sleeping with him "on the battlefield" as the French say. It really goes to show these guys who think that to pick up chicks you have to be as emotionally vulnerable as an IBM. That works for some people too, though.

What counts is that you find a style you like, that suits who you really are. And you have to sell it well. But honestly, if I were you, I would tell chicks about your lack of passion for life. Maybe go on a rant about how all this culminated in putting on a pair of khakis today. And look at these things, the beige isn't even a bright beige. Maybe get some rainbow colored socks as a gag.

Ok, I'm a big dork. But you can see the kinds of things I do to be completely honest but also irresistible to the ladies. (ok, one or two have resisted me, but I maintain they were lesbian )

Then ask them if they think you have "great friends" and yet you've never had a real massage. Just ask them who they think is on to something here, the massaged guy or the guy who's "never had" a real massage.

Izza

I guess I got a lot of reflecting to do.

 

[Shyyhs]

Shy,
then you NEED to start on a personal Quest to KNOW YOURSELF, man.

You need to literally WRITE OUT a list of things that you enjoy, that you like doing, tha you are passionate about!

Shy, you have to do this, man.


get a pen and paper and do this.

Seriously.


And start to think about what your life COULD be.

Let go of 'what could have been"

And start to look at WHAT WILL BE!

What WILL be the LIFE you Choose, Shy??

What WILL IT BE?

You need to get into yourself. DIg Deep. Be a man. A man who faces his fears, and faces UNCERTAINTY.

Shy, THIS is what being a mature masculine man is all about.

Having Confidence in the face of FEAR and UNCERTAINTY.

You CANNOT Overcome another person's UNCERTAINTY with UNCERTAINTY of you OWN!!


Shy, man.
Right now, there is a life out there waiting for YOU to find it.

There is a Woman out there waiting for YOU to find her.

Dude, OTHER guys are doing it!
Why NOT you???!!

Why are YOU stopping yourself?

Let go of the brakes, man. And full speed ahead.

Failure is wht you're doing now.

Life is what you will LIVE if you let yourself LIVE!!

If you learn how to handle your emotions, then , when the tough times come you will be able to HANDLE THEM.
But you will stay in extended adolescent phase into your middle age if you go this way.
You will use a fearful 'boy psychology', which is more terifying than living life as a mature man!

You need to define your Misision in Life.

What are your personal Mission Objectives?

THIS is what will GROUND you, and ANCHOR you to the security and stability you need.
Because Courage and Confidence will carry you through the fire when you live life in uncertainty.

So get off the forum now. And dedicate this week to self reflection and finding out who you are, and what you want.

You need to ask yourself

What do I want?

how do I get it?

Where do I want to go?

Who will go with me?

Thanks for the post. I'm going to do some reflecting and try to answer those questions, properly.

 

[Shyyhs]

Its refreshing to see someone so honest with themselves. There is more hope for you than a lot of dudes on this board.

The first thing you need to do is stop pressuring yourself. Interacting with people is supposed to be a fun experience, not a chore. You can do a million approaches, but if your state of mind is not right, then it will actually hurt more than harm you.

As for your lack of initiative, control of your emotions and overall anxiety. I highly recommend you check out these two posts.

The Missing Ingredient by guru1000

Destroying Social Phobias by yours truly

More food for thought.. I want you to think about your relationships with family and friends. How deeply and how often do you connect with them?

Also, think about how much time you spend alone and what you do with that time.

For the missing ingredient, which happens to be testosterone, I don't think I lack it. I'd consider myself a highly anabolic person. Building muscle has always been pie to me. I have a hairy chest and it even grows on my back. Which is another sign of high testosterone. I will follow the solutions on that page, but I already know I have high testosterone levels already.

Destroying social phobias is a really good post. I'm going to have to read that over and over and over again and incorporate it into my life. Thanks.

 

[Shyyhs]

After much reflecting, I know there are some things(unrelated to women) that I need to do in my life. Just to develop a sense of myself and doing what I want. As well, I think I really need to learn to get me ego out of the way. This probably wouldn't be that difficult if I didn't have my ego in the way getting offended.

 

[Gordon Freeman]

This thread is gold for me. Thx to all the posters!

 

[Shyyhs]

Everyone sort of disappeared on me, but that's fine.

 

[izza]

This thread is gold for me. Thx to all the posters!

I knew that cartridge of gold-speckle ink would come in handy. On behalf of all the wonderful posters here, thanks for the compliment

 

[izza]

After much reflecting, I know there are some things(unrelated to women) that I need to do in my life. Just to develop a sense of myself and doing what I want. As well, I think I really need to learn to get me ego out of the way. This probably wouldn't be that difficult if I didn't have my ego in the way getting offended.

You'll need to offer a LOT more specifics before you can expect us to have too much to say. A three tome autobiography would be useful, but I would also accept cliffnotes. Anywho, I have found that having an ego is a blessing - a big blessing - so long as you have a sense of humor about it. If a chick says something that can be construed as offensive, I let her know right away, but in a funny way.

The key is for the emotion you're expressing to be honest and open but still funny. I find that the easiest way to do this is exaggeration. First example that comes to mind, a guy I know didn't MySpace me back one time. Ok, so I hadn't seen him since college and we were never ever friends. In fact, I don't even recall ever talking to him. For most people, him not MySpacing me back is obviously not a big deal. Well, I have a big ego (aka pretty high expectations), and I want people to message me back, even if we were never friends and I haven't seen them for years. I said "hey you didn't message me back. I thought we were bestest friends in the whole wide world."
He's laughing. I didn't laugh at all I looked pissed. He says uhhh. I'm silent. He apologized. I appreciated that, it was a sign of wisdom and of a good heart. I actually was hurt but I was also aware that my feeling was kind of absurd.

I said, "I guess I'll forgive you someday." He burst out laughing, shook his head, and punched me on the arm.

He got the "joke." I was serious. And kidding.

But seriously, having a big ego is a huge plus if you use it right. Not just women, everyone appreciates someone who has high expectations for us, who demands more, who asks for more, who brings out the best and most loving we can be.

Did you seriously just say "everybody just abandoned me but that's ok". LOL, I know our grievous inattention is a bitter pill to swallow - my honeyed words make life ever so sweet - but I'd better not find you about to jump off a bridge if I don't post here for a week, ok?

Honestly, that was great. So human. I'll see to it we never abandon you like that again.

Izza