The Divorced Man

[Rez]

Hello, hope all is well.

This is a thread I've created with hopes of learning from those of you who are divorced or have been divorced in the past.

I'm in my late twenties and my generation has seen a lot of people either getting separated or divorced with each passing day. For those of you who are either divorced or have been before, if you don't mind I'd really be interested in hearing your answers to the following questions:

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1) How long were you married before you got divorced?

2) How many times have you been divorced?

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?

4) How much money did this all cost you?

5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives?

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy?

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self?

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married?

- Thanks for your time and I look forward to your responses -

 

[amoka]

Reveal your age, else this thread will be moved.

 

[Bible_Belt]

1) How long were you married before you got divorced?

7 years

2) How many times have you been divorced?

once

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?

probably. It is not nearly as big of a deal the 2nd time.

4) How much money did this all cost you?

Cost me? Her family is loaded. They paid my bills for years. I also became an "adult" for financial aid purposes and was able to finish my undergrad degree. Her family also paid for my travel to visit them in the Caribbean paradise where they owned a beachfront hotel. I didn't even pay for the divorce.

5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives?

Thankfully, no kids.

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy?

Marriage is a piece of paper that gives you tax breaks. Having kids is a much, much bigger deal than just getting married.

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self?

When you fight, and you lose your cool, she will remember every horrible thing you say for the rest of her life. She may forgive, but she will never forget.

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married?

I fail to see the importance of a piece of paper that took me 18 minutes and $108 to purchase at the county courthouse. Cohabitation is a bigger deal, and having children is much bigger deal.

 

[Rez]

amoka, I'm 27. Bible Belt, thank you very much for your detailed response. I appreciate you sharing this.

 

[Rounder]

Don't have long, but I'll try to answer what I can.

1) How long were you married before you got divorced?

Divorced twice - 2 years and 3 years.

2) How many times have you been divorced?

see above.

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?

Sure, because I enjoy a close relationship with a woman, however, the way I will pick someone is very different than what I did in the past. I didn't have enough values in regards to what relationships/marriage should be and that was definitely part of the problem. Also wasn't happy with myself. I have figured out why and addressed that issue.

4) How much money did this all cost you?

Impossible to tell. Actual money spent on the divorce, missed opportunities, money spent on those women, etc.


5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives?

I don't have any kids.

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy?

Marriage - necessary for one to be happy? That's for each individual to decide. Marriage is something I want but I will make a better choice for myself.

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self?

It's ok to be alone, date lots of women at a younger age, don't limit myself to relationships that aren't going anywhere.

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married?

Sure it is. Marriage is a essentially a legal term anymore. The will of 2 people to stay together is far more than a label. People can be respectful of each other and remain a happy couple without being labeled "married".

 

[catman]

)

Was married for 7 years (lived together for 6 years before we got married) so 13 all total?This was the one and only time i will ever be married or divorced I have a daughter with this same women who i have shared custody so no child support and very little fiteing because of this.I am very involved in my daughters life atleast when i have her on my weeks?My divorce cost 300.00 i took out divorce-legal insurance through my work cause i knew a divorce was likely from her actions and her words?We got along better before we were married and i think the feeling of be obligated through marriage is what spooked her and she had a sort of mid-life crisis?I wish i would have paid more attation to how my exs mother treated her dad and how shady and decietfull her close friends are?I should have broke my rusty cage years ago!!!!!

 

[zekko]

1) How long were you married before you got divorced?

Six years, but the relationship lasted 10 years in total.

2) How many times have you been divorced?

Once.

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?

I may marry again around the time I retire. It might make it easier/cheaper to get health insurance, and will let me leave whatever estate I have to my woman without the big tax bite (I'm assuming I'll die first since I'm older and male).

4) How much money did this all cost you?

Hard to say exactly, but I pretty much lost half of what I/we had. I made more than her so she got a better deal out of it. I got to keep all my retirement stuff intact though (because she had her own) and that was important to me.

5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives?

No children. Notice the guys with no kids here are willing to marry again. It's when you have kids that you can really get reamed financially, like life destroying reamed.

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy?

I'm not bitter toward marriage, but I definitely don't think it's necessary for happiness. I wouldn't get married unless I was really sure I had the right girl. I was really sure but it still didn't work out.

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self?

I don't think I'd go back and change anything, not about marriage anyway. I'd like to go back and tell my younger self other things I wish I had known. But the whole marriage and divorce I just chalk up to life experience.

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married?

Absolutely, I have that now. But as I said before, I may marry her eventually.

 

[Tictac]

1) How long were you married before you got divorced? 24 years

2) How many times have you been divorced? Once

3) Will you ever marry again? Why? Maybe

4) How much money did this all cost you? At least $50,000

5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives? 3 kids, they are with me

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy? If you marry, marry the right woman, be straight and to the point, be a Don Juan, take no crap.

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self? Don't lose or surrender you frame, ever. Ask: "who am I, where am I going, who will go with me?" in that order.

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married? Yes. Its harder to plan financially for a future together but you can do this.

Best,
Tictac

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Rez,
1) How long were you married before you got divorced?....11 years and 23 years
2) How many times have you been divorced?....twice
3) Will you ever marry again?....No never
4) How much money did this all cost you?.....first one US$800.000 second almost a million(Todays value)
5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives?...five kids...first one (3)perhaps 50% involvement,second (2) 90%
6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy?....I have created an independent lifestyle,only need a Woman for svx and dancing,don't really want a woman under my feet 24/7.
7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self?....Avoid marriage,do what you feel is good for you and bvugger the consequences.
8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married?....My question,is it possible to maintain a loving relationship within Marriage?if you want to involve the State in putting handcuffs on yourself,be they of brass or Gold,then go for it,me?forget it.

 

[jonwon]

1)How long were you married before you got divorced?

2 years

2) How many times have you been divorced?

once

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?

Probably not no, reason; too expensive and marriage is meaningless this day and age.

4) How much money did this all cost you?

About 3-Grand Sterling, divorce an added 1k - 4k in total.

5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives?

No kids

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy?

Not in the slightest, if anything when a relationship breaks down its an added chain to deal with, having kids I would suspect would amplify that further.

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self?

Don’t get married, unless you know 100% it is worth it, if you have ANY doubts, any at all do not go through with it, you’ll only regret it later. Even then marriage is becoming more pointless has the years progress and is detrimental to a mans wellfair in a-lot of cases (child custody and marital home). Normally women want to get married, you dont see bridal magazine for men now do you? Case in point, only get married if your 100% sure and she is dragging you kicking and screaming to the alter.

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married?

Marriage is just putting your name to a government form and paying for the privilage to do so, or to put it another way, it is just an expensive day out for the wife to be.

 

[dark god]

1) How long were you married before you got divorced? 2 years

2) How many times have you been divorced? once

3) Will you ever marry again? Why? fuvk no. Too many reasons to list.

4) How much money did this all cost you? For the divorce meh probably few hundred, dont remember. while I was married..$50,000. my life saving down the toilet.(not including my wages from my job)

5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives? Try to be. b*tch tryin to take full custody and change sons last name to new hubbys name..... I may be posting from a jail cell soon.

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy? One of the biggesst scams out there. u dont know the misery that comes with a evil exwife.

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self? run muthafuker run.

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married? of course. weve been brainwashed by the system to think otherwise.

 

[Rez]

I've learned so much so far from all of your posts. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with marriage and divorce.

jonwon, you are absolutely right. You don't see bridal or wedding magazines for me. I never even thought about this and when I read what you wrote, I was like "That's so true!"

I've noticed that the guys who had children with the women they divorced seem to experience more difficult circumstances and deeper resent towards the entire marriage system.

When I was a child I really wanted to get married. But as I grew older and became more aware of what was really going on around me, my marriage aspirations began to slowly wither away.

Speaking of children, I now know that I wouldn't want to have kids with someone unless I absolutely knew I would want to spend the rest of my life with the woman (married or unmarried). I can only imagine how it would feel to have another man raising your kids. I'd be the most angry person in the world if this were the case.

Once again, I look forward to having this thread continue as it has been so that we all can learn from each others' experiences.

Thanks you for all the great insight & advice.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

1) How long were you married before you got divorced?

< 1 year.

2) How many times have you been divorced?

Once.

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?

No, because the law allows a wife to take away half of everything you've ever earned, regardless of her reason for leaving.

4) How much money did this all cost you?

Fortunately, not much, if any.

5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives?

N/A

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy?

There is no correlation between marriage and happiness. Figure out what is fulfilling for you, and pursue it. For me, the company of a woman is as fulfilling as money: it can make life enjoyable, but at the end of the day, mo' money, mo' problems.

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self?

Don't change anything for anyone. If you really need a partner, find someone who's compatible with who you are. A girlfriend/wife should be someone to share your life with, not someone to change your life for.

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married?

Of course. Being married changes nothing.

 

[Ballie]

Let me add my experiences to this thread

1) How long were you married before you got divorced?

22 years - knew her for 4 years before we got married

2) How many times have you been divorced?

Once.

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?

No never. The whole frame changes - since she now has got you by the nuts and believe me they know that.

4) How much money did this all cost you?

Too much to recover financially - can't buy another house at my age. The old one would of been paid off by now.

5) If there were children involved in the split, are you still an integral part of their lives?

Got two kids - both grown up by now. Still in contact, but not as close as it could of been, since she turned them against me.

6) What's your new outlook on the concept of marriage after having dealt with it first hand? Is it absolutely necessary for one to be happy?

Only marry if you 100% sure and you have the necessary DJ skills and ONLY if you want children.
You can be happy in an exclusive relationship - important factor though is not to live together, because then things will eventually go sour.

7) What's the most important piece of advice you could give to yourself if you had the ability to go back and speak to your former self?

Trust your gut feel! she is not the right woman for you.

8) And finally, is it possible to have a loving meaningful relationship with someone without ever getting married?

Absolutely - I am in one at the moment and we have no intention of getting married.

 

[jonwon]

When I was a child I really wanted to get married. But as I grew older and became more aware of what was really going on around me, my marriage aspirations began to slowly wither away.

Speaking of children, I now know that I wouldn't want to have kids with someone unless I absolutely knew I would want to spend the rest of my life with the woman (married or unmarried). I can only imagine how it would feel to have another man raising your kids. I'd be the most angry person in the world if this were the case.

I like your attitude, be true to it.

Women wanting to get married shouldn't be a great revelation, but for some reason it is, I blame the system and how it is, or should I say mainstream rubbish.

But look at in from another angle, do you see the magazines adorning the shelfs of bookstores, shopping mauls, supermarkets and local stores? We'll almost every single women magazine follows a simple formula:

1. Relationships

2. Cloths, fashion and accessories (Dressing up and adhorning yourself with trinkets is a means to enhance the physical attributes, which all boils down to sex and reproduction, women dress for other women but subconciously they do it because there genes are telling them to take any advantage in the reproduction stakes)

and

3. Drama, which almost always revolves around ------ Relationships ---

4. Oh and celebrities , but what are they obsessed about with celebrities? What they are wearing and who they are dating!

Women are all about relationships and marriage, yes you get the occassional tart now and again, but you better believe women want marriage like a thirsty man needs water.

But don't mis-read this has a man needs to enter a meeting with a girl with the intent of a relationship on the mind (otherwise he wont get any), women like to have sex too.

Every women wants to get hitched at some stage, if they tell you different they are lying.

Hence use this to your advantage, make them beg for it and prove there worth for it, dont be a chump and do what women should be doing, i.e making her try to marry you. You should be kicking and screaming dragged up that alter.

Not saying every women wants to get married right now, they can put it off, after all normally they have options, but eventually she will want the wedding, she will want to get hitched, to someone, I believe that 100%.

Also what is the number one staple movie diet of women everywhere? Romantic flicks, relationships that usually revolve around the progression of a relationship with a guy until she meets the 'one' and the credits roll.

Edit- Almost forgot, romantic or relationship orientated songs, even if it's from a back-street rapper saying how much he loves his chick, almost always get to number one here in the UK, women lap up that shi* like it's going out of fashion and it is pumped out like a giant commerical mush machine.

 

[zekko]

Speaking of children, I now know that I wouldn't want to have kids with someone unless I absolutely knew I would want to spend the rest of my life with the woman

Well then you had better never have kids, because the fact is there are no guarantees in life. Even if you want to spend your life with her, she may decide at some point she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you (and since women initiate most divorces, that's usually what happens). No matter how perfect things may seem right now, people can change over time and do things they never thought they would do.

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?
No, because the law allows a wife to take away half of everything you've ever earned, regardless of her reason for leaving.

I've never understood entirely what the big objection is to this. When you marry, you become one person essentially. Naturally when you divorce you're going to split everything in half. If she's worked and contributed while you were married, why is this a problem?

Now if you come into the marriage with a huge treasure, then you're at risk, but then you should be looking at a prenup (although those aren't foolproof either). A more fair resolution would be to split up everything that was earned DURING the marriage, and sometimes that's the way the settlement works. Of course, if you have kids, all that's out the window and you're just screwed.

3) Will you ever marry again? Why?
No never. The whole frame changes - since she now has got you by the nuts and believe me they know that.

There's an an old saying "when the ring goes on, everything changes". And there is a lot of truth to that. It's like they think they have ownership now, and their behavior changes accordingly.