theWoofhound
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Let me first say that I know there are several posts concerning the subject matter that I am currently posting. However, I wanted to start a new one that is personal to me because the others have gone on for quite some time.
I've been with a girl off and on now for 3 years, and our relationship has been both the most rewarding and terrible thing I've ever been a part of. I'm writing this post for the purpose of gathering information in hopes of making myself whole again, as I have spent the past three years being (at the risk of sounding like a wiener) emotionally abused, used, and been made to feel at fault for problems I didn't create. So I would like to outline the "cycle" numerically based on chronology to see if it seems familiar to any of you guys, and to know how other have reacted, if others have broken free, or found a fix in any way. Here we go...
I'll begin with the best part of the cycle (happiest part) because as with most tragedies, they do not start out as tragic, rather they slowly, or sometimes rapidly become that way.
1. We become wholly and completely engulfed in one another. For me this is intimacy. I, like most human beings, long to be intimate; to feel connected with someone, to have the chance to journey through the mine field of life with someone there... For her, I believe at least, this is emotional intensity. During this time we come together, talk openly and honestly (seemingly) about our hopes for the future, our fears, our feelings of inadequacy in areas... We make plans for children, college, careers... She is there for me emotionally. I have abandonment issues due to my father dying at a young age and the subsequent alcoholism of my mother which left me to raise myself and my little brother. She tells me she will always be there for me. She says, "I love you for who you are, and you don't have to be afraid that I will leave you." We agree to speak openly and immediately about problems that might arise knowing that we aren't attacking each other; that we are a team, friends... and that when we have a problem with one another we must discuss it in that mindset. This phase usually includes amazing sex. For me, sex is an intimate experience, and while I feel an intimate connection with her, and believe that she is truly there for me in every imaginable way, I can give her multiple orgasms. She will whisper in my ear, "I love you so much." and "I want to have your children." This really makes me aroused and somehow makes me more sexually powerful. Its amazing.
2. We have a period of comfortable friendship where in the communication about our future together continues. Plans are made for road trips, camping, college, etc. During this phase we get along very well just as friends should. We are, after all, best friends... right?
3. This phase is the beginning of the down fall. It usually (in fact I cannot remember a time when it didn't begin here) starts off with complaints of PMS or hormonal issues. Suddenly she is turning into a different person, and the talk of being open and honest with each other about our feeling begins, for her, to fade and be replaced with a creeping malice. During this time some issue that I didn't not know existed (one that we agreed to talk about immediately so as not to let it fester) will be brought to my attention.
EXAMPLE: Once I told her that I would quote Pink Floyd lyrics (my favorite band) to a coworker who is in here 50's, whom I literally have zero attraction to, at which time we laughed about it and she said seemingly genuinely "That's really cute
".... Well, after complaining of PMS she brought this up indirectly saying "I wish you wouldn't tell me **** about your work sluts!" I had no idea what she was talking about. Two days later I invite her to my house for dinner and a cuddle. I meet her in the yard to greet her with a hug, but when she exits her car she wouldn't even look at me. She said "hello lover" as if she meant it, and have me a half hearted hug reluctantly. I knew something wasn't right. As soon as we get inside she asks, "Why do you do this to me?" I had no idea what she was talking about but eventually I got her to tell me it was about quoting Pink Floyd to my coworker... We smoothed this out, and within five minutes she brings up another issue. A few days previous we had gone to the grocery store to pick up a few things and ran into another coworker of mine. She wondered why I didn't introduce her to him.... I told her it didn't occur to me before they actually introduced themselves. She then insisted I was embarrassed to be with her, and then stormed out of my house.
4. Demands... She doesn't say anything to me for the rest of the night except to text me that I'm and A**hole, and then wouldn't reply to any of my repair attempt texts or calls. The next day she texts me and demands that I make, in her words "a grand gesture of love" or she would "walk" on me... When I asked what this meant she had no suggestions. She had created a situation in which there was no correct response. I've come to realize now that this is intentional, and there is not meant to be reconciliation. In my opinion, this is her way of making it my fault that we had to break up.
5. Pure wildness. She then refuses to respond to me in anyway. During this phase she does reckless activities for the purpose of hurting my feelings.
EXAMPLES: she got a DUI, quit her job, cheated on me with two people, went out in public high on MDMA, etc... usually there are posts on Facebook about how happy she is to be single or about how much fun she is having. I'm heart broken, and completely beside myself.
I began taking antidepressants during one of these recent phases because I was so hurt that I began having break downs at work and drinking heavily...
6. She will then (usually after a week or two) show up at my house in the middle of the night, and begin pseudo apologizing. In other words, not admitting that she has a problem or saying sorry for hurting me, rather she will insist that we are meant to be together and that she only did the things she did because I had hurt her so badly. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I take this crap hook, line and sinker. I think maybe she really learned her lesson this time; that maybe this time will be different. It never is. Despite that fact that I want her I reject her at this time so that, in my mind, I can keep some shred of dignity.
7. The acceptance of her again. After trying to wipe her from my mind, the loneliness gets the better of me. I call her and ask to talk, and she agrees. We usually meet at a park or something. I explain that she really hurt me. She says sorry, and that she knows now what she did. This is usually where the cycle begins again.
This is what its like being in a relationship with someone who (in my opinion) is an undiagnosed borderline and a diagnosed bi polar. It is a never ending cycle of emotional intensity that is mistaken on my part as intimacy that only ever ends (and begins again) in confusion. There are many details that I'm sure I've left out. After all, how does one put three years into a single essay...? I want to fix this girl, but I just don't see how.
QUESTIONS:
1. Has anyone ever experienced a long term solution to this problem?
2. Is it possible to make a resolution that ends in happiness for the two of us as a couple? We've gone to relationship counseling, but during the counseling she would lie, or if we got truly intimate with each other she would run off and do drugs or cheat on me.
3. Have I lost my mind?
4. Should I just chalk it up as a loss and move on?
Any information would be helpful. My heart is absolutely broken. I am not one to give up, but from the looks of things, I may have no other options.
With hope,
theWoofhound
I've been with a girl off and on now for 3 years, and our relationship has been both the most rewarding and terrible thing I've ever been a part of. I'm writing this post for the purpose of gathering information in hopes of making myself whole again, as I have spent the past three years being (at the risk of sounding like a wiener) emotionally abused, used, and been made to feel at fault for problems I didn't create. So I would like to outline the "cycle" numerically based on chronology to see if it seems familiar to any of you guys, and to know how other have reacted, if others have broken free, or found a fix in any way. Here we go...
I'll begin with the best part of the cycle (happiest part) because as with most tragedies, they do not start out as tragic, rather they slowly, or sometimes rapidly become that way.
1. We become wholly and completely engulfed in one another. For me this is intimacy. I, like most human beings, long to be intimate; to feel connected with someone, to have the chance to journey through the mine field of life with someone there... For her, I believe at least, this is emotional intensity. During this time we come together, talk openly and honestly (seemingly) about our hopes for the future, our fears, our feelings of inadequacy in areas... We make plans for children, college, careers... She is there for me emotionally. I have abandonment issues due to my father dying at a young age and the subsequent alcoholism of my mother which left me to raise myself and my little brother. She tells me she will always be there for me. She says, "I love you for who you are, and you don't have to be afraid that I will leave you." We agree to speak openly and immediately about problems that might arise knowing that we aren't attacking each other; that we are a team, friends... and that when we have a problem with one another we must discuss it in that mindset. This phase usually includes amazing sex. For me, sex is an intimate experience, and while I feel an intimate connection with her, and believe that she is truly there for me in every imaginable way, I can give her multiple orgasms. She will whisper in my ear, "I love you so much." and "I want to have your children." This really makes me aroused and somehow makes me more sexually powerful. Its amazing.
2. We have a period of comfortable friendship where in the communication about our future together continues. Plans are made for road trips, camping, college, etc. During this phase we get along very well just as friends should. We are, after all, best friends... right?
3. This phase is the beginning of the down fall. It usually (in fact I cannot remember a time when it didn't begin here) starts off with complaints of PMS or hormonal issues. Suddenly she is turning into a different person, and the talk of being open and honest with each other about our feeling begins, for her, to fade and be replaced with a creeping malice. During this time some issue that I didn't not know existed (one that we agreed to talk about immediately so as not to let it fester) will be brought to my attention.
EXAMPLE: Once I told her that I would quote Pink Floyd lyrics (my favorite band) to a coworker who is in here 50's, whom I literally have zero attraction to, at which time we laughed about it and she said seemingly genuinely "That's really cute
".... Well, after complaining of PMS she brought this up indirectly saying "I wish you wouldn't tell me **** about your work sluts!" I had no idea what she was talking about. Two days later I invite her to my house for dinner and a cuddle. I meet her in the yard to greet her with a hug, but when she exits her car she wouldn't even look at me. She said "hello lover" as if she meant it, and have me a half hearted hug reluctantly. I knew something wasn't right. As soon as we get inside she asks, "Why do you do this to me?" I had no idea what she was talking about but eventually I got her to tell me it was about quoting Pink Floyd to my coworker... We smoothed this out, and within five minutes she brings up another issue. A few days previous we had gone to the grocery store to pick up a few things and ran into another coworker of mine. She wondered why I didn't introduce her to him.... I told her it didn't occur to me before they actually introduced themselves. She then insisted I was embarrassed to be with her, and then stormed out of my house. 4. Demands... She doesn't say anything to me for the rest of the night except to text me that I'm and A**hole, and then wouldn't reply to any of my repair attempt texts or calls. The next day she texts me and demands that I make, in her words "a grand gesture of love" or she would "walk" on me... When I asked what this meant she had no suggestions. She had created a situation in which there was no correct response. I've come to realize now that this is intentional, and there is not meant to be reconciliation. In my opinion, this is her way of making it my fault that we had to break up.
5. Pure wildness. She then refuses to respond to me in anyway. During this phase she does reckless activities for the purpose of hurting my feelings.
EXAMPLES: she got a DUI, quit her job, cheated on me with two people, went out in public high on MDMA, etc... usually there are posts on Facebook about how happy she is to be single or about how much fun she is having. I'm heart broken, and completely beside myself.
I began taking antidepressants during one of these recent phases because I was so hurt that I began having break downs at work and drinking heavily...
6. She will then (usually after a week or two) show up at my house in the middle of the night, and begin pseudo apologizing. In other words, not admitting that she has a problem or saying sorry for hurting me, rather she will insist that we are meant to be together and that she only did the things she did because I had hurt her so badly. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I take this crap hook, line and sinker. I think maybe she really learned her lesson this time; that maybe this time will be different. It never is. Despite that fact that I want her I reject her at this time so that, in my mind, I can keep some shred of dignity.
7. The acceptance of her again. After trying to wipe her from my mind, the loneliness gets the better of me. I call her and ask to talk, and she agrees. We usually meet at a park or something. I explain that she really hurt me. She says sorry, and that she knows now what she did. This is usually where the cycle begins again.
This is what its like being in a relationship with someone who (in my opinion) is an undiagnosed borderline and a diagnosed bi polar. It is a never ending cycle of emotional intensity that is mistaken on my part as intimacy that only ever ends (and begins again) in confusion. There are many details that I'm sure I've left out. After all, how does one put three years into a single essay...? I want to fix this girl, but I just don't see how.
QUESTIONS:
1. Has anyone ever experienced a long term solution to this problem?
2. Is it possible to make a resolution that ends in happiness for the two of us as a couple? We've gone to relationship counseling, but during the counseling she would lie, or if we got truly intimate with each other she would run off and do drugs or cheat on me.
3. Have I lost my mind?
4. Should I just chalk it up as a loss and move on?
Any information would be helpful. My heart is absolutely broken. I am not one to give up, but from the looks of things, I may have no other options.
With hope,
theWoofhound
