TheProspect
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CONFIDENCE.
Confidence is the cornerstone of good game. It is a force multiplier. A self-assured man is an attractive man. Not much generates raw sexual desire more than confidence does.
Understanding and developing confidence will improve your social life tremendously.
What happens as you become a more confident and man?
More women will find you attractive. More men will respect you. You will be perceived as more competent and capable in general, and you will navigate your life overall more effectively with more favourable outcomes.
What Confidence is
Confidence is the feeling of self-assurance that arises from one's recognition of one's own competencies. It's having trust in oneself.
What Confidence is NOT
Real confidence is not having an inflated ego or an exaggerated sense of one's own abilities. Real confidence is also not failing to recognize reality for what it is. Be mindful not to cross the line into arrogance and self-delusion, as they will often give off the opposite effect that you intend to display —insecurity and inadequacy.
Why you should develop confidence
Confidence demonstrates to others that you are a capable, competent human being. Confidence also demonstrates to yourself that you are ready for and more likely to move forward with life's opportunities when they arise. Through confident behaviours, you garner attraction and respect from others, and create a life more worth living for yourself. What more reason do you need develop confidence?
How to Develop and Demonstrate Real Confidence
The way to generate the most authentic form of confidence is to actually become competent and capable in the relevant skills and areas of the particular context you find yourself in. If you have success in an area, you'll have relevant positive referential experiences and this makes confidence easier to feel in that context.
Now, this may take some time, often years. Obviously, it would not be that useful to tell you to "just be confident" or "just become competent"...
If you're going to have to "fake it until you make it", here are some practical tips on doing so:
- Mental reframing. Instead of thinking "She's going to reject me!", override that thought with "I'll be okay if she does." Most situations will not literally kill you, so telling yourself no matter what happens that you'll be okay is useful method in reducing anxiety, especially when it comes to approaching women. While it's normal to experience physical symptoms of acute anxiety, the mental framework behind the feeling will dictate your actual inner level of confidence. Reframe "I am nervous!" with "I am excited!" -- they are literally the same physiological sensation just with different framings.
- Composure. Be the calm one in situations where others panic. Think James Bond. Think of the trained soldier when he hears gunfire. They don't freak out, they do what they need to do and handle the situation accordingly.
- Body language, speech, & tone. A confident man is a composed man who is in control of himself. Slow, languid movements and non-reactionary tone are the keys to demonstrating confidence in social settings. Quick, sudden movements and a quick rate-of-speech project anxiousness. Speak slowly, use pauses, and don't be afraid of gaps in conversation -- in other words don't rush to fill the silence. HOLD EYE CONTACT, but don't stare indefinitely. Move comfortably. Open up your body language and don't be afraid to take up space. Eliminate fidgeting.
- Show conviction. Believe in what you say and do. Let this carry through your tone, word choice, and facial expression. Others should know you are sure of yourself, because if you are, then they are more likely to believe in you too.
- Focus on what you can control. You can prepare and strategize for things outside of your control, but avoid emotionally investing in the outcome. Remember, you'll adapt and be okay no matter what.
- Non-neediness. Outcome independence. Don't feel compelled to convince anyone of anything. Learn to be good with or without what you desire.
- Exposure therapy. Gradually expose yourself more and more to situations that invoke anxiety in you. I.e. public speaking and approaching women. Over time you will become more comfortable in those situations.
- Visualize. Rehearse a scenario vividly in your head. Explore all possible ways a situation can play out and create a contingency plan for each. When that situation unfolds in realtime, you'll have been there already in your mind.
- Know your values. If you base your self-worth on principles such as integrity and just being a good human being instead of material things such as money and the car you drive, or your ability to attract hot women, then you'll naturally navigate situations with more confidence because you know these things outside of yourself don't truly define you.
Now if you're overly anxious, uncomfortable, self-conscious, and are unable to practice any of the aforementioned tips, you can still come demonstrate confidence in acute situations by leaning into the discomfort by acknowledging it and accept it. This can be done two ways,
1. Point out the awkwardness. If you're feeling awkward or nervous, likely the other person can feel that energy in the air too. If you address the elephant in the room, especially in a humorous way, you show you are not trying to run from the feeling nor do you mind if others can notice it. The willingness to own it exhibits confidence.
2. Breathe. Take a few deep breathes and extend your exhale longer than your inhale -- if you're nervous you're almost guaranteed to be breathing shallow. Ground yourself through your senses and through emotions themselves. What am I feeling? Where in the body do I feel it? Observe emotions associated with non-confidence with a sense of curiosity, and they begin to lose their power over you.
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Gentleman, I hope you found this primer on confidence useful. Feel free to contribute or discuss.
Best of luck.
