The Confidence-Competence Loop: How to Build It If You Don’t “Naturally” Feel Confident First

[AsianPlayboy]

A lot of guys think, “I’ll approach her once I feel confident.” But here’s the deal: confidence isn’t just some feeling you can wait for—it’s the result of action. Studies show that acting, even when you don’t feel ready, is one of the best ways to build skill-based competence, which naturally produces confidence.

This is where the Confidence-Competence Loop (also known as the Conscious Competence Model) becomes a game-changer.

Each action you take, even if it’s imperfect, builds competence. And competence creates confidence. It’s a chicken-or-the-egg dilemma, but we know the answer—competence always comes first. Here’s a breakdown:

1. Unconscious Incompetence: You don’t know what you don’t know. At this stage, you’re unaware of what’s holding you back. For example, if you haven’t tried approaching someone in a meaningful way, you won’t yet recognize the areas where you can improve.
2. Conscious Incompetence: Now you start to see the gaps. Maybe you’ve tried talking to someone new and noticed that it doesn’t go smoothly. This realization can feel uncomfortable, but it’s actually a critical step. Studies show that awareness of skill gaps is a strong motivator for growth.
3. Conscious Competence: This is where practice kicks in. You’re trying new things, working on conversation skills, and taking action despite the discomfort. According to cognitive learning theory, consistent practice—even if it feels forced—strengthens the brain’s neural pathways, making these skills more natural.
4. Unconscious Competence: This is the confidence sweet spot. You’ve practiced enough that these skills now feel automatic. You can approach someone and start a conversation without thinking too hard about it. It flows naturally because you’ve trained your mind and body to handle it.

Research by psychologist Dr. Albert Bandura, a pioneer in self-efficacy theory, supports this: confidence grows through mastery experiences—practicing a skill until it becomes second nature. Bandura found that "successes build a robust belief in one’s personal efficacy," showing how the competence you gain through action ultimately fuels confidence.

Waiting for confidence to show up before acting is like waiting for an empty glass to fill itself. Every time you act, you’re building that skill bank, and confidence naturally follows.

If you’re ready to dive into how to make this loop work for you, check out my latest video.
The Biggest Lie About Confidence: Your Feelings Don’t Matter, Action Does

Confidence won’t magically arrive. Take action, build competence, and let confidence come as the reward.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Like the post, but I have to disagree. People are generally afraid to approach because they have a good idea of the calculated outcome and potential risk in their head. Approaching women at the grocery store for example has a good outcome chance of being rejected or humiliated outright. At best you might get a phone number or a cute compliment. In order to increase confidence, the guy should put himself in scenarios with better outcomes. For example, approaching a girl at a house party, networking event, run club, and etc is going to have much better outcomes than a grocery store, gym, and etc.

 

[Clockwerk50]

@MatureDJ

 

[AsianPlayboy]

Like the post, but I have to disagree. People are generally afraid to approach because they have a good idea of the calculated outcome and potential risk in their head. Approaching women at the grocery store for example has a good outcome chance of being rejected or humiliated outright. At best you might get a phone number or a cute compliment. In order to increase confidence, the guy should put himself in scenarios with better outcomes. For example, approaching a girl at a house party, networking event, run club, and etc is going to have much better outcomes than a grocery store, gym, and etc.

There’s definitely something to be said about choosing a setting where the odds of success feel more favorable, especially for beginners. You’re right that context matters, and yeah, if a guy is brand new to this, it makes sense to start in a lower-stakes environment like a social gathering where people are naturally more open to meeting others. But here’s the twist—relying solely on favorable scenarios can create a dependency on “perfect conditions,” which, in the long run, holds guys back.

Here’s why the Confidence-Competence Loop still applies across all environments, even “harder” ones like the grocery store or gym. The focus isn’t on getting a guaranteed positive response; it’s on taking action and building competence, regardless of the outcome. Real confidence grows not from controlling the environment but from being able to approach confidently anywhere because you’ve practiced enough to handle any response.

Think of it this way: if a guy only approaches in “safe” social settings, his confidence becomes situational. But if he pushes himself to try even in random environments—where he doesn’t know the outcome—he’s training himself to be okay with uncertainty. The more he takes action in different places, the better his approach skills, body language, and reactions become. And that’s the competence that drives confidence in any situation.

So yes, for a guy who’s brand new, a house party might be a smoother starting point. But I’d still encourage him to venture into those grocery stores and gyms to challenge himself. Every attempt, successful or not, builds that unshakeable confidence to handle anything.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Is confidence without anything to back it up really just a delusion?

 

[AsianPlayboy]

Sure, but it's an iterative process. You take action, even in the face of fear, and both the action itself and the feedback you receive incrementally builds your confidence. Taking the action builds up your emotional resilience while you adjust your actions according to the real world feedback to hopefully correct your actions to get more, slightly, positive results. Hopefully through multiple iterations (ie leveling up), your intrinsic sense of self-worth, combined with skillset, matches the external validation.

Because that delusion works in the opposite direction as well. I had a triple threat student who was over 6 foot tall, a doctor, a male model, and a movie actor. Literally girls would approach him, but then he'd walk away just assuming the girls were being friendly.

Girls aren't socially trained to approach random men so the fact that he was actually getting it, but didn't believe it still meant even though he had external validation, but not the internal sense of self-worth as in and of itself a form of his delusion.

Ideally you can build both simultaneously in a holistic way: Inner Game, Outer Game, and Verbal Game. Without letting one main pillar of game.

But if I had to start somewhere first, I'd go with Outer Game. The rest will follow.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Sure, but it's an iterative process. You take action, even in the face of fear, and both the action itself and the feedback you receive incrementally builds your confidence. Taking the action builds up your emotional resilience while you adjust your actions according to the real world feedback to hopefully correct your actions to get more, slightly, positive results. Hopefully through multiple iterations (ie leveling up), your intrinsic sense of self-worth, combined with skillset, matches the external validation.

Because that delusion works in the opposite direction as well. I had a triple threat student who was over 6 foot tall, a doctor, a male model, and a movie actor. Literally girls would approach him, but then he'd walk away just assuming the girls were being friendly.

Girls aren't socially trained to approach random men so the fact that he was actually getting it, but didn't believe it still meant even though he had external validation, but not the internal sense of self-worth as in and of itself a form of his delusion.

Ideally you can build both simultaneously in a holistic way: Inner Game, Outer Game, and Verbal Game. Without letting one main pillar of game.

But if I had to start somewhere first, I'd go with Outer Game. The rest will follow.

Incremental steps, seem appropriate.

 

[MatureDJ]

Each action you take, even if it’s imperfect, builds competence. And competence creates confidence. It’s a chicken-or-the-egg dilemma, but we know the answer—competence always comes first. Here’s a breakdown:

1. Unconscious Incompetence: You don’t know what you don’t know. At this stage, you’re unaware of what’s holding you back. For example, if you haven’t tried approaching someone in a meaningful way, you won’t yet recognize the areas where you can improve.
2. Conscious Incompetence: Now you start to see the gaps. Maybe you’ve tried talking to someone new and noticed that it doesn’t go smoothly. This realization can feel uncomfortable, but it’s actually a critical step. Studies show that awareness of skill gaps is a strong motivator for growth.
3. Conscious Competence: This is where practice kicks in. You’re trying new things, working on conversation skills, and taking action despite the discomfort. According to cognitive learning theory, consistent practice—even if it feels forced—strengthens the brain’s neural pathways, making these skills more natural.
4. Unconscious Competence: This is the confidence sweet spot. You’ve practiced enough that these skills now feel automatic. You can approach someone and start a conversation without thinking too hard about it. It flows naturally because you’ve trained your mind and body to handle it.

This sounds like SecDef Rumsfeld talking about "unknown unknowns".

There are unknown unknowns - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

In any case, someone who has Unconscious Competence but is ugly is still called a "creep".

 

[parabellum]

This sounds like SecDef Rumsfeld talking about "unknown unknowns".

There are unknown unknowns - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

In any case, someone who has Unconscious Competence but is ugly is still called a "creep".

I appreciated that reference.

I have to half agree with you on the second part. Ugly people do just fine on similar looks leagues, and it is possible (and actually pretty common) to go upward leagues proportionally to favorable combinations of Hair, Status, Money, Personality.

 

[Chow Mein]

Is confidence without anything to back it up really just a delusion?

I think that’s where OP was getting at with Unconscious Incompetence. You gain ‘retarded confidence’ reading PUA and red-pill stuff and think these hoes will flock to you.

You start tweaking and realizing that what you’re doing is a turn-off. Work on your interactions and gather experience. It hard work and takes years, but well worth the investment.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Incremental steps, seem appropriate.

The willingness to step out of your comfort zone is your first accomplishment and true confidence grows with every new accomplishment.

 

[Gamisch]

Good post. One that actually offers solutions, and the best thing about it is it's applicable to other areas of life as well. I'd even say that sometimes you should first and foremost apply it to yourself, so it will become more naturally. E.g taking action with whatever "great "idea you have but you are afraid to take the jump.

Women are naturally attracted to men that have the aura of taking action and its a big component of the autonomy from the typical "badboy". Approaching and smooth talking to a woman is a different dimension to most more beta-ish men.

This sounds like SecDef Rumsfeld talking about "unknown unknowns".

There are unknown unknowns - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

In any case, someone who has Unconscious Competence but is ugly is still called a "creep".

I somewhat agree. Read part above.

If this person takes action he will slowly but surely lose that negative blanket that covers his ability to be his best confidence self. Everyone individually has his own triggers of happiness ofcourse. Whatever yours may be ,you should be after that so you can rack up successful results and feel good about who YOU are. Sometimes a man has to come back from being far behind... so he should also take time to enjoy his accomplishments on his way to his goal.

You cannot be out Approaching when you are negative, ugly (because you dont invest in your looks) , unable to have a conversation with a woman and still expect positive outcomes.

By the way , there are many ways you can "attack" the female mind. From cologne, to clothes and style to your physique. Your crib ,car ect. Gotta put in the work tho..