The Big Secret about Sex

[2.0]

You ever hear the story about two kindergardeners who were caught having sex with each other in a closet? Or one kindergartener who proposed having sex with another and then humped her? I work in child welfare, so I hear sad and disturbing stories like these all the time. I have to confess that I am having difficulty finding the source of these feelings, that really they are too young. That somehow, it is not right for children to know these things or behave in these ways.

I don't think it is up to us to judge any sort of sex between two consenting beings. I don't see what's sad or disturbing about this at all either. They were two consenting people who decided to experiment and find pleasure. But they need to learn how to do it safely, if they choose to do it.

Why do we hide things from our kids? Why do we tell them that Santa Claus exists and to believe in the Tooth Fairy. Sometimes it sounds like these lies and half-truths are about the power of the parent over the child. We are taking advantage of their innocence to make them behave in a more manageable way.

If I ever have kids, I am considering telling them the truth about everything. I view the parent's job as helping children learn to make decisions in the real world - not to create a fantasy world that is cutely naive.

Good for you. Same here, I plan for my sons and daughters to know from the very beginning that Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy are myths. I'll still give them the fun of "playing pretend" though, just making sure they know that it is pretend.

 

[2.0]

You don't have to "tell" a child about sex. At some point, they will sooner or later figure it out. We are part of the animal kindgom and no other animals have to tell their offspring about sex. Their genes will eventually wake them up to this reality when they hit puberty. I don't remember anyone ever actually telling me about sex when I was kid, but somehow I still figured out from somewhere that men and women create babies. Maybe someone told me and I don't remember. You don't have to explain the mechanics of it to a kid, just tell them that men and women make kids and if he or she asks how, tell them "you'll understand when you get older" and leave it at that.

I wouldn't bring up the subject myself, but if he asked, "Where do babies come from?" I would explain it. No reason for it to come as a shock, I'll just present it as something normal and healthy.

 

[2.0]

Good post.



Well yeah, no other animals have language.

Your point of view seems to be that telling children about sex is a waste of time because they'll figure it out someday on their own. You raise no objection to just telling them right now.

Yet if they ask, you say "you'll understand when you get older."

So can you think of any reason I shouldn't tell my kids about what sex is, how it works, why adults have it?

I agree with cultivating healthy fantasies in children - because I believe adults have unhealthy fantasies, cynically known as "reality." I believe sex can be woven into a healthy fantasy world for children.

Izza

I think fantasy worlds are fine as long as they know it's a fantasy.

 

[izza]

I don't think it is up to us to judge any sort of sex between two consenting beings. I don't see what's sad or disturbing about this at all either. They were two consenting people who decided to experiment and find pleasure. But they need to learn how to do it safely, if they choose to do it.



Good for you. Same here, I plan for my sons and daughters to know from the very beginning that Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy are myths. I'll still give them the fun of "playing pretend" though, just making sure they know that it is pretend.

Thanks for the compliment man. I like your commitment to reality. I agree with you, learning how to play frees the imagination. There's no need to impose the adult "reality" on children anyway. I find the way adults view things to be very limited, and children often understand things better anyway.

That's just a radical thought I push around sometimes. One thing that you mentioned that made me stop. I think I heard my parents say the same thing: if my kid brings up sex, I'll be honest.

I think that's kind of a passive attitude. They're telling the truth. The problem is, they always made the topic of sex so secretive and not-talked about that I never dared ask them. I think it's necessary that sex be something YOU bring up. I believe, from what research I've seen, that it's necessary to put sex on the table, not wait for it to be put on the table.

I think we as a society need to stop making sex taboo and make it something we talk about openly. That will make it much easier to prevent teen pregnancy and so forth than pretending our kids are little angels who don't even know what sex is. I work in child welfare. Believe me, these little tykes know what sex is.

But yeah, I admire your willingness to not coddle children with fairy tales. I like your commitment to helping them learn to deal with the real world in a non-escapist way from the beginning. I'd be willing to bet that your kids will know how to solve real problems.

Izza