The Anti-Pep Talk

[Martini Joe]

So you've read all the pep talk threads written by the greats. Damn it, you're ready. Pumped, even. Yeah, it took a few months, but you're not going to be that sad ass door mat mofo anymore, are you? Nope. You're one determined SOB this time. You're not going to take crap from anybody. Hell yeah! You're primed to the hilt, baby! Woo, yeah, daddy's coming home to roost now! Step aside!

Whatever. Most of you are setting yourself up for failure again. You'll end up right back where you were before you got yourself all worked up in a lather. Maybe even worse. Why? Because your biggest problem isn't hesitation. It's not shyness. It's not a lack of words. It's not even women. And guess what, it's not fear either. As a matter of fact, part of the problem is that you actually LACK fear. All of your issues and problems with women or even people in general up until now is rooted entirely in shame. Not fear. Don't confuse the two. You're not afraid to expose yourself more, Skippy. You're just too damn ashamed to do it. If you actually feared interacting with people, you'd be locked up in a paddy wagon and heading for the happy farm, and fully sedated I might add.

For a long time you have lacked the fear of being a lonely chump. You may have never liked it, you may have never enjoyed it, you've even hated it, but good god, son, you sure as hell don't have any fear of it. Why? Because it hides your shame. You've depended on it for so long. Take a look at the playground for the most obvious examples. Every kid is scared to death of being the loser everyone picks on. They try to dress right and act right at any expense to avoid it. They never let up trying to stay hip and cool with the rest of the herd. If all your friends jumped off a bridge....you know the saying. Somewhere you wandered off the path. It could have been when you were 5, 15 or 25 years old, and maybe it was never your fault. But there you are. And eventually you gave up and accepted it. At some point in your past you gave up on that fear other cats had. And that's why you can't play in any reindeer games. Ho ho ho . The fear is mostly gone.

Me? I'm scared as a mofo. I'm afraid of dying in my apartment and nobody figuring it out until the rent is overdue and the landlord keys himself into my pad. I'm afraid of getting tossed into an old folks home with no one to visit me for 20 years because everyone I depended on for social interaction, like parents, are dead. No children. No lovers. I'm afraid. I'm shivering in my boots, cat. And I know if I don't at least try to speak, try to talk to women and try to interact with people, that's where I'm going. You still have a little of that fear left, but it's numbed. Tune into it. Worry about it night and day. Think about how miserable your life is going to get if you don't start to fear the inevitable. Fear it, kid. Cause that's what's going to happen so long as you continue to coast along the path your on now. It does get worse. Bet the farm on it.

 

[The Juan and only]

The first time I read your post I thought it was bullsh1t....and after reading it again I knew I was right. In fact that's some of the WORST advice I've ever heard.


"Think about how miserable your life is going to get if you don't start to fear the inevitable"

why the **** should you waste your time fearing the inevitable? explain the logic on that one you moron.

ooh I'm a paranoid, non-conformist who's scared of his own shadow..*look at me girls*ok, certain types of fear can be good..but you are talking nonsense.

pfff..no wonder people are saying these boards are going down hill. I'd say you're either a depressed theorist with no real experience or a troll who hopes to start an argument....or perhaps you believe what you're saying? if that's the case then you aren't heading for a very happy life and I find it hard to believe you're succesful with women..or with anything.

I speak for all sane people when I say. SHUT UP.

 

[Martini Joe]

My, my my . Must have stuck a nerve. You're an angry little one, aren't you? Lashing out on me with the fury of all hell. I'm impressed. You've got some pretty big balls....but you're a very dim light bulb, kid. And I do mean kid. Apparently, you understand what inevitable means, but you couldn't think your way out of a condom, son. A life of bad habits leads to inevitable consequences. You change the habits, you change the inevitable. Got it? I don't think you will for a long time.

You're low on the totem pole of men, kiddo. I know you are. No doubt in my mind. Rage is the hallmark of weak men. Weak men are so angry for being low on the pole for so long that they have this simmering rage because of it. And you've got plenty of it. A man who's got his act together, a man who's successful in life doesn't have a rage that is so easily provoked. He would be the type of man that would disagree with what I have to say and be able to back it up with reasoning. You failed that one with flying colors, son. I don't want to embarrass you, kid. So I'll stop right there. As a matter of fact, I have no problem with leaving this place if that's what people want. Because thanks to you I've realized I'm more than likely wasting my time on a web board full of little boys.

 

[dyce]

yeah i dont agree with this advice. i think it's being over complicated

 

[The Juan and only]

no, don't try and talk you way out of it now. It's clear what you meant in your original post.

and besides, having "the fear of being a lonely chump" DOESN'T help you...you need to be comfortable with being single - that way you won't appear desperate.


onto your second point..
I wasn't "angry" when replying to your post I just strongly disagreed with you and wanted to use harsh words. however, that's not even an issue - I think it is in fact men who don't EVER show their anger (or other emotions)..men who hide their true feelings just to be/feel more accepted are the weak ones. if anger is appropriate to the situation then you should express it.

You're post is unhelpful - pep talks can be excellent confidence builders and very useful to AFCs who've just been dumped...and I can see that everyone else who's bothered to answer this post agrees with me..

go have another martini, Joe.

 

[Noctlos]

I actually agree with the dude. Joe, I understand where you are coming from; its true for a lot of the people on this board. Most of us try to be someone that we think people will accept. But if we be ourselves, and do it comfortably, people really accept it. And if they don't, you don't want to be hanging around them. We have enough celebrities to live vicariously through, besides living vicariously in ourselves. If you don't know what that means, look it up.

and Juan and only, true; you should feel comfortable with being single, because if thats how things are, you might as well learn to deal. But brainwashing yourself into thinking that being single will be happy, you're wrong. It gets old. Like martini joe said, you are just a kid... at 17 you still don't know much about life. I'm not saying to hook up and get married, because you are too young, I'd think. ...
My point is, Joe is right. Don't hide from your fear or try to cover it up in your "social" life. And I know that everyone here has some social fear, or else you wouldn't be here. Just face it like the man (dj) that you are trying to be. ... But i do agree that pep talks are good. THey help boost your self esteem, like a cup of brain joe.

 

[MightyMate]

This tip is not so usefull.

 

[Martini Joe]

"the fear of being a lonely chump" DOESN'T help you...you need to be comfortable with being single - that way you won't appear desperate.

So, you've associated being single to being a lonely chump. As far as I understand it, being single is just being single, cat. Being lonely is something entirely different. But I guess they're one and the same in your world. Trying to think up an alternate interpretation right now to cover some tracks? Too ashamed to admit you're wrong, kid? THATS what I'm talking about. Hide that shame, boy. You're ready to type anything that makes me wrong, aren't you?

onto your second point..
I wasn't "angry" when replying to your post I just strongly disagreed with you and wanted to use harsh words.

And there it is. "Strongly disagreeing" and "harsh words" is not anger. Ok. I was wrong for calling you angry, champ. My bad.

however, that's not even an issue - I think it is in fact men who don't EVER show their anger (or other emotions)..men who hide their true feelings just to be/feel more accepted are the weak ones. if anger is appropriate to the situation then you should express it.

But you weren't angry, right kid? That wasn't your "true" feeling. That was, uh...passion. Yeah. Passion works here.

...and I can see that everyone else who's bothered to answer this post agrees with me..

Oh, I see. So your view is more accepted and justified now because others agree.

go have another martini, Joe.

Sorry Juan, martinis aren't my style after I've already showered off the evening fun and prep for crashing. I like to go with a shallow glass of good brandy and a fine one from the humidor instead.

Now, I like you, Juan. Seriously. I smile every time I read. Just for that, you just say the word and I'm gone, cat. Poof. Just like that. Remember, I did say I'd leave if that's what you wanted and I'm a man of my word.

Go ahead, son. Be "alpha". It's ok. Others will apporve, I'm sure.

 

[Martini Joe]

Now, for the rest of you:

If you think I'm wrong, by all means feel free to explain why. I'm a reasonable man. I'll listen to reason. Hell, I might even admit I'm wrong. But if all you've got are cute links and the same crap the other guy said, then as far as I'm concerned you're just a beta man coming out after the internet alpha leads the way, in which case you're opinion means squat diddly doo.

 

[Egoist]

...and with another push, this board is rolling even quicker on its way down into the abyss.

 

[Bloke]

In essence, I know what he's saying, & I just skimmed through it.

He's saying people have come to love the single life-style, & can't imagine any other way of living. But what does that get you when you're 40, & past the prime of your life. Women will lose interest in you cuz you have old balls. You may have played all the women but in the long-run it means jack ****.

Everyone wants to be loved, & no-one wants to be lonely.

 

[Datawolf]

Correct me if I'm wrong, Joe, but are you saying that fear should be used as a motivation for success?

I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. However, I do not let that fear control or drive me because I know it will lead to bad decisions.

I've come to understand my fear over the years, as well as its source and most importantly how it affects my behaviour. Instead of living my life in terror thinking about what my future could be, I have decided what I want my future to be and strive towards that goal. Of course, the fear of the consequences of failure is always in the back of my mind but I am aware of it, and awareness of the consequences of failure cause me to make better decisions. Note, however, that this is different from living in fear, because such a powerful emotion will only cloud my judgement in the long run.

The upshot of all this is that I think your first post is only half the equation. In other words, my interpretation of your post is that people should always remain aware of the consequences of poor decisions and stupid behaviour. I disagree, however, that people should use the fear of these consequences as the driving force behind their lives. Don't get me wrong, fear is useful. Sometimes it can save your life. However, allowing it to control you will ultimately cause more harm than good.

 

[Bonhomme]

Live, love, and take care of yourself, and none of that should ever be a problem.

 

[penkitten]

joe, i really cant see you being alone forever.

 

[DonMEgaHoss]

Yeah this a flop of a tip dude... I would rather be alone than be married to some woman that I wasn't happy with...

Cause when that happesn your screwed either way.

My greatest fear is another LTR.. I only had two and The first one was okay... Just lost the joy of it.. But the secound one just royally Fu^Cked me over... Almost shot myself....Lost my job... Got into trouble with the cops and went to a mental hospital because of that hoe... So I am like never again will I have a LTR or atleast not for a long time..Still hurts if I think about it.. Damn that was the best job I had ever had.

 

[Duke]

Whoa, I think a lot of you are misinterpreting the major points of his post.

He's saying that guys aren't "afraid" of girls as if they were some legitimate threat, but guys are ashamed of being around chicks. Why? Societal conditioning BS combined with their own insecurities. You get past that, and you no longer will give off that weird vibe around girls.

His second point is to use fear (dread?) and turn it into ACTION. If you dread being the 40 year old virgin, then intensify that dread... think about your life a couple decades from now and how sh*tty it will be if you stay on your current course of inaction. Don't let the fear be your enemy. Befriend the fear and let it inspire you to take care of business.

 

[Martini Joe]

I find it funny some cats think I'm too complicated. When a newbie comes around his first impression is overwhelming on how much there is to learn. He's told there are a hundred things he needs to do. He's got to touch this way, talk that way, chase here, pass there, don't wait more than 3 seconds here, wait more than 3 days there. I mean, this crap just never ends.

Most of these cats only have one problem. That's it. Just one. Women, social skills, love, friendship...none of these things are a problem for them. They have the basic skills already, they're just very rusty that's all. The only one true problem is how comfortable and proficient they have become in hiding and protecting their shame. Period.

Do any of you think a straight man naturally doesn't want to touch a woman? He does, but he fears what shame will occur if he tries and fails. So he doesn't try. He plays it safe. Do any of you think a straight man naturally doesn't want to talk to a woman? He does, but he fears what shame will occur if he tries and fails. So he doesn't try. He plays it safe. It's the same problem over and over again. It's not kino. It's not ****y and funny. It's not the violation of any other rule. It's the gut instinct to hide shame and possible shame to salvage whatever dignity remains. That's what keeps these cats in a shell and dulls their skills until they have none.

90% of seduction is natural. It's primal. You don't need to be taught. Even little kids know about kino. Only they call it the cooties. They don't understand it yet, but they know something is up in that department. It was always there in every one of us. You have to actually learn to forget it. And these kids have become masters in fooling themselves to do just that.

I know there's a whole herd here that hit the town with high hopes after reading some wonderful words, only to end up at home hugging a pillow and wondering why it all went so wrong. I KNOW you're out there. Don't even try to tell me otherwise. The problem is that the "gift" most cats here are trying to give is positive thinking to ignore the shame that piles up on you. What happens when that positive thinking takes a day off? These cats know. I don't have to tell them. I know they come back here for the pep talk because they need someone to tell them positive things to make them believe again, because they still don't believe themselves. They're still struggling with shame because they're not conquering it. Before they were making excuses for it, now they're just ignoring it. And they depend on other people to help ignore it.

If they want to end this cycle, they need to put a stark realization right where all those rosey, rainbow thoughts are. They only have one problem. That's it. Back in the day when they told themselves society is the problem and they were the only normal one, they were fooling themselves. Every time they thought all brauds are screwed up in the head and we're playing with them, they were fooling themselves. And they're fooling themselves now if they believe a happy thought is the way to saving their asses.

They need the ability to behave properly even when scared half to death. That's what bravery is made of, my friends. That's my point. There are no fearless men. It's simply not possible. Any cat that tells you otherwise is full of BS and bravado, and it might even be the reason you're wrapped up in your shells to begin with.

Don't ever expect me to polish a turd for you like that. I won't do it.

 

[Duke]

Dude, I agree 100%. Well said.