The almost tragic truth about guys that end up being successful at cold approach.

[Epicwinguy]

I'm very curious to understand this "it" factor that some guys missed in terms of social development in their earlier years. Makes me wonder if I missed it too lmao. Never had issues making friends but did have issues expressing interest in women when I was younger due to low self esteem.

Nobody has ever been able to put it into words for me

 

[Plinco]

Is there a way to fix their social problems if nobody can really put into words what exactly the problem is?

I'm very curious to understand this "it" factor that some guys missed in terms of social development in their earlier years. Makes me wonder if I missed it too lmao. Never had issues making friends but did have issues expressing interest in women when I was younger due to low self esteem.

I think I can answer this question myself but I am waiting for OP's answer.

@Jesse Pinkman

What's the essence of being socially adjusted?

 

[Epicwinguy]

I think I can answer this question myself but I am waiting for OP's answer.

So far.... nothing

 

[Plinco]

So far.... nothing

To be blunt OP doesn't think much of us so I'll give you my answer. These are the two convictions I have: 1.) Your interactions should provide value to other people, so they should be both self serving but also serving to others, and; 2.) You should have no fear whatsoever. Fear drives bad interactions.

 

[inquisitor]

So let's say you find yourself a Filipina girl. You can go there, but you will need to learn the culture and language enough to know the legal system and that's excluding non-citizenship rights that you will have. So yes, you will essentially be tied down to this woman if you decide to move to the Philippines. If you bring her back to your country, you risk her using you for a passport/money and leaving you down the road.

Not if you are keen on finding the right woman though, and most Filipinas are gentler than you'd expect. Just be the kind of "you" that she'll be loyal to.

 

[inquisitor]

My point exactly.

A smile and a wink can go a long way...I swear, it's because of @SW15 his comments about earbuds I started thinking about this. Forgot my headphones once, and left them home ever since.

Because unconsciously you'll see a womam with earbuds and you'll already admit defeat. It is a barrier , I know. But all it takes is 1 second to remove at least one ear bud. Its not a Berlin Wall you gotta cross.

I geuss we a have this fight in our own mind at times: View attachment 10461

I approached a girl once in a 7/11. She kept replying while her earphones are on (both ears). Didn't pursue though; apparently, the more you get to know a girl in mere minutes, the easier you learn about her sanity.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Not if you are keen on finding the right woman though, and most Filipinas are gentler than you'd expect. Just be the kind of "you" that she'll be loyal to.

The hope strategy won’t get you anywhere

 

[inquisitor]

The hope strategy won’t get you anywhere

It's not hope; it's taking your time, scrutinizing the people you meet, living in the right place, knowing yourself more and what you need, finding a person that fits short-term and long-term, identifying with the people and its culture, and foresight knowing you both have fundamental differences from each other. It's serious effort. Also, hope isn't a strategy.

 

[CornbreadFed]

It's not hope; it's taking your time, scrutinizing the people you meet, living in the right place, knowing yourself more and what you need, finding a person that fits short-term and long-term, identifying with the people and its culture, and foresight knowing you both have fundamental differences from each other. It's serious effort. Also, hope isn't a strategy.

If one is willing to dedicate significant effort to comprehending the intricacies of language, not merely for basic communication, but also for reading and interpreting legal laws, developing street smarts, and fostering a keen understanding of customs and culture; if one is prepared to navigate the complexities of acquiring citizenship and face the consequences of transitioning from a developed country to a developing one, while also confronting the inherent risks associated with dating a female in general—why not consider expending far less effort by enhancing one’s value locally and pursuing a relationship with a Filipina here in the US or whatever country you currently reside in?

With the hurdles and barriers involved in this to succeed long term…This is a hope strategy.

 

[Epicwinguy]

To be blunt OP doesn't think much of us so I'll give you my answer. These are the two convictions I have: 1.) Your interactions should provide value to other people, so they should be both self serving but also serving to others, and; 2.) You should have no fear whatsoever. Fear drives bad interactions.

"Value" is such a vague term. Hard to figure out for some of us.

 

[inquisitor]

If one is willing to dedicate significant effort to comprehending the intricacies of language, not merely for basic communication, but also for reading and interpreting legal laws, developing street smarts, and fostering a keen understanding of customs and culture; if one is prepared to navigate the complexities of acquiring citizenship and face the consequences of transitioning from a developed country to a developing one, while also confronting the inherent risks associated with dating a female in general—why not consider expending far less effort by enhancing one’s value locally and pursuing a relationship with a Filipina here in the US or whatever country you currently reside in?

With the hurdles and barriers involved in this to succeed long term…This is a hope strategy.

Can it not be mere curiosity with dedication, especially with such serious risk? A lot of people before him had done that, although it depends on the individual and the partner if they succeeded but again, hope isn't a strategy here. Doing that is a bold move for sure - with big risks lie big rewards, sure, and with him expecting all of this, hope is irrelevant whether he succeeds or fails; his best course of action is to detach some level of expectation in what he aims to achieve however the level of effort he expends. The dude can still indeed choose to expend less effort while achieving at least the same level of success, though, that's up to him.

 

[Plinco]

"Value" is such a vague term. Hard to figure out for some of us.

Not hard to figure out. Conceptually, value is what sustains life. When you interact with someone, what kinds of values do you get from that person? What values are he or she getting from you?

 

[mikedee]

Women do use earbuds to reduce approaches and they notice a reduction in approaches when they utilize earbuds.

You might get some harsh rejections approaching women with earbuds. At best, many women will be annoyed that you disrupted them and will be less receptive to your verbal message and presence. Some women will ignore completely.

The best to workaround earbuds is to look like a top tier guy, commonly called a 'Chad'.

earbuds don't make a difference when you know how to approach

 

[Jesse Pinkman]

So far.... nothing

To be blunt OP doesn't think much of us so I'll give you my answer. These are the two convictions I have: 1.) Your interactions should provide value to other people, so they should be both self serving but also serving to others, and; 2.) You should have no fear whatsoever. Fear drives bad interactions.

I don't think less of anyone on this forum, not even people I have had beef with. However, since posting the thread, my life has been busy and involved a ton of traveling and other stuff to where I have barely had the chance to get back to people.

To answer your question around the essence of being socially adjusted and what it means, you kind of nailed it, value is everything.

Now let me offer you concrete examples.

I had one wing who did really good with cold approach and now can rely on social circle game as well. Whenever we met, I always felt like I could just BE in front of him. The guy never judged me even when I was drunk and said some stupid stuff. More of all, he made me feel at ease when I was around him. We would hang out and I always felt like I could say anything and do anything in front of him that would make me avoid judgment.

When he interacted with women, it was a similar vibe. Women could just BE in front of him. Even girls from judgmental social circles slept with him because they felt that he could keep it secret. Most of all, he brought a great energy to all social interactions, you felt uplifted by just interacting with him. If he had bad days or some stuff going on, he fixed that first before coming out. If he approached women, they felt like they could leave at anytime without getting backlash.

Now let me offer you an opposite example.

I used to wing with this guy who was very reactive and toxic. Not only was he reactive and toxic, he was woefully unaware of how he came across. The guy would do an approach, a girl would tell him he is taken, and he would ask how she met her BF and she would answer social circle or work. Then the guy would talk to me during the entirety of that session about how the girl told him that and repeatedly say "see, they aren't meeting their man through this, all of them through social circle and cold approach". Like literally, the whole freaking session was about just that and I felt DRAINED even winging with this guy.

Then when he did approach, he would run right in front of the girl and block her path. The guy also dressed like crap, like he wore a blue collared shirt with blue shorts once to a bar.

But again, it is talking about the vibe of the latter guy. He had no idea how he was coming across to me when he constantly complained during the whole session. Even I felt drained being near that guy and I wanted nothing to do with him. No matter how many approaches he does, he will not get good at this.

 

[Jesse Pinkman]

Agree with OP and the trait you’re looking for is ‘empathy’
Guys good with women have above average levels of empathy - the ability to pick up on emotional cues, put yourself in the others shoes etc cold approaching a stranger means you have to be in the top 10% of men with EMPATHY as your task is simultaneously building rapport/comfort with a stranger and figuring out how to induce excitement/high value emotions at the same time. You need the ability to ‘vibe’ basically.

The vast majority of guys who go into cold approach are either NPD or sociopathic, which means they LACK empathy. Ie they are in the bottom 10% of society with empathy. At best they use tactics like lovebombing, lying etc to try and MIMiC empathy, but it will come off as creepy unless the guy is glaringly good looking to the point there is a halo effect. The reason why the majority of guys who get into cold approach/pua have this personality disorder is because they looking at cold approach as a means of getting ‘narcissistic supply’ (look it up) rather than actual healthy interactions with women. Most of these guys are completely deluded and fail at it, but will lie to others (like the many pua coaches that hired models etc to trick others into believe they are successful players).
However there is a small 5% of men in the community are genuinely just alpha male types that are well adjusted and just want to date hot women

BOOM NAILED IT. Empathy is so big here. No lie about it at all. Empathy is it. That is the word I was looking for.

PUA is loaded with guys that will do all sorts of weird stuff in public and not have any idea of how they are coming off to others, especially women. I have had guys who wanted to wing with me but I happened to be busy but kept on spam texting me over and over and over again. I had to eventually block them because they kept being pushy saying stuff like "come on man, don't be a wuss". Like yeah, I am actually one of the few pulling and I am the wuss?

Then come to find, months later, these same dudes cry about women and the dating scene in their cities.

These guys leech value from every interaction and women can pick up on it. No matter how many times dating coaches and experts tell them not to do something, they do it. They act clingy, attached, and are very sensitive.

The other key thing? Sensitivity to criticism and jokes. So many of these guys take themselves way too seriously and cannot take a joke.

 

[Epicwinguy]

@Jesse Pinkman So what should guys like this do, would you say? Half my social circle says I'm a creep, and shouldn't both approaching women at all, but as far as I remember, all I was doing was starting casual conversations and gauging where to take things. If I got rejected, I would say "Have a good night" and move on. To this day I have no idea what I did wrong, and they seem unable to really tell me.

 

[Jesse Pinkman]

@Jesse Pinkman So what should guys like this do, would you say? Half my social circle says I'm a creep, and shouldn't both approaching women at all, but as far as I remember, all I was doing was starting casual conversations and gauging where to take things. If I got rejected, I would say "Have a good night" and move on. To this day I have no idea what I did wrong, and they seem unable to really tell me.

Stop approaching and I mean it. Chances are, you are giving off a creepy vibe in the way you come off and others are picking up on it. There is probably more to this that you are not mentioning. The other thing, stop approaching in front of your circle or at their events. Focus on social skills and approach women you do not know far away from your social circle and their events. Hopefully you are in a major city which is the only place cold approach can really work, if not, move to one and make that a priority.

Also, why are you gauging where to take things in a social circle setting? You probably came off as a guy with an agenda and others sensed it. If you get rejected in that environment, you are done.

 

[nicksaiz65]

Stop approaching and I mean it. Chances are, you are giving off a creepy vibe in the way you come off and others are picking up on it. There is probably more to this that you are not mentioning. The other thing, stop approaching in front of your circle or at their events. Focus on social skills and approach women you do not know far away from your social circle and their events. Hopefully you are in a major city which is the only place cold approach can really work, if not, move to one and make that a priority.

Also, why are you gauging where to take things in a social circle setting? You probably came off as a guy with an agenda and others sensed it. If you get rejected in that environment, you are done.

+1

Approaching in front of your non-game friends is almost never conducive/productive I’ve found.

 

[SW15]

Approaching in front of your non-game friends is almost never conducive/productive I’ve found.

The typical guy, even if he is red/black pill, has a social circle of mostly blue pill, non-game type friends.

Approaching in nightlife venues is best done with a wingman. Given that most social circles are blue pill, most possible wingmen could be blue pill too. That's likely to make finding a good wingman difficult. Nightlife can be even more difficult to do rolling solo.

 

[Epicwinguy]

Stop approaching and I mean it. Chances are, you are giving off a creepy vibe in the way you come off and others are picking up on it. There is probably more to this that you are not mentioning. The other thing, stop approaching in front of your circle or at their events. Focus on social skills and approach women you do not know far away from your social circle and their events. Hopefully you are in a major city which is the only place cold approach can really work, if not, move to one and make that a priority.

Also, why are you gauging where to take things in a social circle setting? You probably came off as a guy with an agenda and others sensed it. If you get rejected in that environment, you are done.

It always seemed like approach advice for bar settings involved being there with people, so it would be less cringe. I was part of the RSD Inner Circle for Denver and it still wasn't very helpful.