The Aftermath of the LTR

[Desdinova]

Just a question for those guys who lived with their GFs or wives... When she left you, did you go through this surreal stage where you just couldn't believe what had happened to you, and that your life had taken such a large change?

I know I sure as hell went through it.

 

[Captain AFC]

I'm still kind of living it. It's been a year now, or a little more, and while I'm FINALLY not necessarily pining away for the person (due more to AFC tendencies, lack of knowledge, etc), I still kind of find myself displaced. Granted, I've just finished up school after six years of it, etc., so that's part of the reason, on top of transitioning into a job.

Not that it gives me an excuse for pity, but I will say that I'm still disoriented on top of it all. It's also part of the reason I'm leery to really go and pursue anything serious. I talk to women. I enjoy company if I ever come out of my reclusive stupor, but I'm not really excited to experience any of the "aftermath" again.

 

[grinder]

October 28th, 2005 at 3:51pm my wife left for a "better" guy. I have been through total shock, extreme vulnerability (fell in "love" with someone - the oneitis I came to this site for), acceptance, more shock as beoch tried to come back, and now beginning my third life anew realizing my oneitis case was due to weakness, not strength.

You know this, but the entire fabric of what was considered your life is torn. The fundamental assumptions upon which you based many decisons are gone, and you are forced to create a new SET of assumptions.

For me, this was 21 years and four children. For the first time, and, yes, thanks to THIS site, and some guru help, I am reborn, and the forcast is good.

 

[rocky_mtn]

I was in the same boat, about 1.5 years ago for a year, living in a fog. I regrouped my sorry ass and have been meeting women and following the bootcamp, having a great time lately. Also trying to not make the same mistakes over again.


It sucks, but life isn't always perfect.

 

[Vulpine]

Yeah. It sucked, but I was AFC then. The last time, I actually felt great!

But I know what you are getting at. Coming home to a new apartment, not having the background jabbering, not living around messes that you didn't make, not having to stare at a box of tampons while you're brushing your teeth... the little things that change are so many, it is like a steady string of one thing after another you recognize as being different puts you in this crazy frame of mind.

You get the whole bed to yourself, you can throw clothes in the middle of the floor and leave them until you get to them without getting b!tched at, no more wine coolers sitting around in the fridge for 4 months - beers only last a week tops, no cosmetics strewn all over the place, no cosmopolitan magazines littering the living room, the closet isn't full of shoes, no more "stop at the store and pick up some broccoli" phone calls, you get to watch whatever you want on the tv, you have your buddies over all the time because you can, you can pee all over the toilet seat and laugh because you're wasted... and not getting
b!tched at for being wasted... which makes you laugh even harder... then you fall in the tub and pull down the shower curtain... then you stop laughing cuz you smacked your head... then you start laughing again because you're so wasted... then you realize you have to fix the shower curtain, so you stop laughing again... then you remember when ex-gf fell down that one time when you were both so wasted and then you get all sad.

Yeah, it is a trip getting used to the freedom again. It's like you go berserk partying, then get super depressed because of the life change, then go berserk partying to snap yourself out of the funk, then get all sad again.

 

[NewMan]

yeah - I left the house, got my own studio apartment, I had a sleeping bag, george forman grill, some old plates that she didn't want and some nasty old towels.

Since I live in different country to my family, it was an extremely hard thing to deal with. I remember the first week or so, sitting there, no phone service, tv cable (or TV to watch it on), eating fast food and just staring at 4 bare walls.

That was a very hard time in my life - I drank heavily, fvcked a lot of women - some of which I'm not proud of - and generally had a sh#t life for almost a year. Nothing I did could get me out of that funk....

Now, I bought my own house - have all my own sh#t - and I'm fvcking a hot young (8 yrs younger) chickie - who can't get enough.

She's married, still calls me - I like to rub her nose into how well my life is going.


Hang in there.

It's tough - but you will only be stronger for it.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

If you just realize that you could do way better and you were just wasting your time with that person then you'll be able to move on alot easier. Don't be blinded by the love you had(or still have) for that person. Open your frick'n eyes! Your life is right in front of you. Only weak people hold on to the past.

 

[blueguy]

It's an opportunity!

 

[MaddXMan]

I was married 8 years and have 2 children. When my ex and I split she moved in with a GF leaving me to care for the kids full time. And I had to sell the house and so much other stuff to do - it does seem like a surreal haze, but after 4 years, I can't even recall the hard feelings or how bad it sucked - after things started to improve for me I shook it off and got positive. Just took a lot of time. Avoid the rebound in this situation, I banged a chick with a week of our separation and instantly fell in love with her. Can't really be helped with such a jacked up state of mind. Only made things worse. My ex is remarried and I am over at her house a lot (we live very close). She and her husband will get into embarrasing fights right in front of me and the kids, and I jam the fukk out of there. Man I used to be the guy in that situation but now I'm free!!!

 

[SoCalMike]

Just a question for those guys who lived with their GFs or wives... When she left you, did you go through this surreal stage where you just couldn't believe what had happened to you, and that your life had taken such a large change?

I know I sure as hell went through it.

Going through it right now bro. She didn't leave me, but I ended it with her. She was my g/f of 2yrs and we were living together. It's an abrupt transition, going from one extreme (w/ her constantly) to another (never see her). And yes, it can fvck w/ your head. But I constantly remind myself of WHY it had to end - all the serious issues that blocked any long term potential or marriage possibilities.

I also visualize myself back with her again, going through all the stress... and it makes me appreciate being single. I now have the freedom to pursue my interests... I can get back into things I slacked on or put aside for her, like working out, playing guitar, etc. Actually, being single and in your early 30's is an awesome time for a man, and I plan on savoring it and living life to the fullest.

 

[Desdinova]

Newman, I can definately relate to that.

When my ex left me, I slept on the goddam floor. I couldn't sleep in the bed that we fvcked in. I then moved in with two other roomates. I had this tiny little bedroom with my 5hit all in boxes, piled to the ceiling. All I did was lock myself in that room, indulge in my music, and sucking in ALL the tips that were posted on this site.

It was fvcking depressing when the guy in the room next to mine brought home some chick, and was fvcking her brains out while my tired-ass body was trying to get some sleep. I was so fvcking depressed at that time in my life, and I only had $20 to my name every two weeks after paying for all the 5hit I needed to survive (and that wasn't including gas money). I still remember that cramped little room, and how I rotted in there day after day, until I finally got a place of my own.

It was definately the time in my life where I was at one of my lowest points.

 

[FaithHealer]

I can sympathize

Just caught this thread and I can definately relate to it. My g/f of just under a year that had lived with me for about seven months left a couple of months ago. I came home, she was packing up and said she was unhappy. Never said a word to me about it.
To me it was very hard looking around and seeing all those memories together and it forced me to think about it. She also moved into the same apartment complex as me. I based my life around her and when she left I was devastated. That is the last time I let my focus be on a woman I am with.
I admittedly pulled a lot of AFC moves like asking her is she still loved me "I am not sure anymore". She made it plain that she would never get back with me and I still called her telling her I knew she loved me but she was afraid of getting hurt etc. She said she didn't believe me, I would not call her for a week and then the cycle would continue.
I now realize that I should never have seriously dated her in the first place. After we started dating she admitted she had been with 17 guys, been rotisseried once, done one guy and then blew his friend, and just engaged in very casual sex. To quote playersupreme the girl is a freak, and you never give your heart to a freak.
Sorry for the long post here, but it feels good to let it out, even if I will probably get lambasted for these AFC maneuvers. Sometimes you fall off the dj wagon and you just have to dry out and get back on it.

FaithHealer

 

[Latinoman]

Just a question for those guys who lived with their GFs or wives... When she left you, did you go through this surreal stage where you just couldn't believe what had happened to you, and that your life had taken such a large change?

I know I sure as hell went through it.

I left my wife after many years together. Nothing she did wrong. I just left (and not for another woman either).

Note: However, if she would have left me...I would have been with lot of boxes (I did have several). To her credit, she was MORE than fair with the child support and she has been very good to me. Certainly women like her are hard to find. However, I knew I would be miserably if I stayed with her.

 

[faster]

Just a question for those guys who lived with their GFs or wives... When she left you, did you go through this surreal stage where you just couldn't believe what had happened to you, and that your life had taken such a large change?

I know I sure as hell went through it.

Hey guys, I use the 10% rule after a relationship ended 5 years ago that jacked me up. Its like this.


My job or career-------40%
My friends-------------30%
My hobbies------------20%
My girl-----------------10%



That way when she desides she needs more space, its only a small part of my life that is upset. Its not to hard to do this method. Just keep a journal and wright down all the hours you spend at work,friends,hobbies, and girl. I used Excel to track my time at first but now I can feel when its getting too much with the girl.

When she sleeps over I only count the time we are awake,,haha.

 

[Latinoman]

Wow... Are some sort of accountant or Business Analyst? Sounds a bit sad, I have to say.

LOL. I agree!

I'd also like to stress out that ranking your girl last in your list of priorities is no solid ground for a healthy relationship.

Very well said. I also agree 100% with you.

A good wife adds a valuable element of stability to an ambitious man and I have to look no further than my own family to realize how devoted to our family and to her husband my mother has been all the years he was working late and studying on the week-ends. It probably would've worked that way if he had also been out with his buddies two nights a week, playing tennis on wednesday and soccer on sunday leaving her with a mere 10% of his time.

You can only push certain things so far before you start being just plain disrespectful.

Another excellent point!