Telling the difference b/w low-maintenance & low-interest

[TheCWord]

Spinning this off from another thread so that I can pose the question to SoSuave en masse.

Seeing this girl since August and I always have to initiate contact/make the plans. She always accepts, we always bang, and when we go out she acts like a girlfriend - hanging off me the entire time, holding my hand in public - she'll even buy me things, like lunch or a book she saw me eyeing while we were walking around a market. But after she goes home, she's a ghost.

It hadn't been bothering me... I've been spinning plates and my secondary plate is actually very much the same way: she'll never initiate plans, although she'll at least send fluff text throughout the week. But while Plate #2 is clearly just a bang, I see Plate #1 as a potential LTR and it annoys me that after all these months we won't see each other unless I initiate. I have clearly broken PlayHerMan's golden rule: I'm starting to care more than the girl.

In AntiDump's seminal post on relationships (via Pook):

Never ask a women to become exclusive. She must ask YOU. She must talk about it FIRST.

Why? If a woman hasn't asked you yet it means she is still open to seeing others. She still has DOUBTS about you. Highly interested women don't want you going out with other women.

A woman asking for exclusivity is like a 'marriage proposal'. She is cementing and laying the foundation for true intimacy.

She wants something that's lasting. It is the ULTIMATE test of interest, guys. She is 'proposing'.

If you ask first, you will never know her true interest level. Why didn't she bring it up? How come she is still letting you see others? Why isn't she CLOSING her options? Is she seeing someone else?

Think about it.

And I guess that's what's starting to irk me: it's been months, and not only has this girl not made mention of becoming serious but she seems perfectly content to go weeks without seeing each other (even though she jumps at the opportunity to hang out and writes me back walls of text when I do initiate).

The fact that both my primary and secondary plates are doing this makes me think I'm doing something wrong.

Back when I made my original post, there was a mix of advice but I adhered to the idea of staying the course and not complaining about getting regular NSA sex, while still seeing other women, when there are kids in third world countries who get no pus*y at all. But it's been some time now and I've warmed up to the idea of settling in with Plate #1 on the condition that she starts participating...

To check that, I've pulled way back in recent weeks and not made any plans. Radio silence until yesterday when she broke the silence with a couple texts of chit chat - I responded but did not make plans, nor did she. She could be wondering why I've suddenly stopped making plans. Maybe she thinks I'm not interested in an LTR and my distance is validating that for her...Or she's riding the c*ck carousel and has known for a while I'm not the guy she wants to get off the ride for.

It's been difficult but I've been sticking with the no contact on my end. Considering a girl as an LTR is not something I take lightly and I need to know if she's going to give me the reasonable amount of attention I'd expect in a relationship... At the same time, I guess it's possible that she's just low maintenance and lays low so as to not freak me out and I'm potentially bombing a good thing here.

 

[Renegade357]

There's nothing wrong with you complaining about this IMO. You put time and money into this girl. You want to be with someone who is emotionally invested in you. She should be asking you to be her boyfriend around 8-10 dates.

The only thing I can say is keep hanging out and having fun. But keep your options open!! Don't let this girl rattle you.

 

[TheCWord]

The only thing I can say is keep hanging out and having fun. But keep your options open!! Don't let this girl rattle you.

Thanks, Renegade. That was my position a month ago, but to "keep hanging out and having fun" I have to text her and, with her lack of effort so blatant, it's starting to feel like I'm chasing her. Then the frame is lost and it's game over. Know what I'm saying?

 

[LP700-4]

She's seeing someone else.

 

[Renegade357]

She's seeing someone else.

Not necessarily. I've been in this position before and I'll be the first to say it sucks. The girl I was in this position with wasn't seeing someone behind my back BUT she was "hung up" on an ex. I know it's pretty much the same thing if you think about it. As far as our interest is concerned anyway.

Bottom line: She was emotionally unavailable. I dragged it out hoping she would see the light. Let's just say it didn't end well.

If I was this guy I would either drop this girl or start getting real distant real fast. I'd start seeing other women pronto.

 

[Renegade357]

Thanks, Renegade. That was my position a month ago, but to "keep hanging out and having fun" I have to text her and, with her lack of effort so blatant, it's starting to feel like I'm chasing her. Then the frame is lost and it's game over. Know what I'm saying?

I know exactly what you're saying and you have my sympathy. You never want to be putting in all the effort with a girl. A woman who is emotionally unavailable like this one will only do the bare minimum to keep you on the hook. Not fun.

Consider yourself lucky by the way. I wish I knew this a year ago. I had to deal with this crap while being almost totally clueless. I knew something was wrong but I didn't put it together.

Pat yourself on the back for having good danger sense. This one will hurt you eventually if you let her.

 

[denverfan110]

Just saying one of her girlfriends could be behind it. The conversation of "oh just play hard to get if you really want him" and "if he doesn't show enough interest without you initiating than hes probably not worth it." Girls have similar sites like this one I'd imagine and they probably recommend the same strategies we do to other Dons.

That's one possible solution. The other is that she's on the c0ck carosel, but if she's okay with PDA and wall responds back after you initiative, I personally think its something different.

This girl I was trying to close for the longest time this summer had the same reaction. We met at a party and ended up going to a club that night, but I could tell her IL was kinda dropping off inside so I ditched her and began dancing with other girls that I knew (I knew she noticed but she ended up just leaving that night without telling me). I ended up seeing her a few more times out (through mutual friends) yet would never quite be that responsive (though not disinterested either – just a little stand offish).

Toward the end of the summer I finally got the lay (my game was on point that night for whatever reason) and when we were lying together in bed afterwards she told me that her IL was super high THE ENTIRE TIME and that she had stalked to find me on FB but then asked her suite mates what she should do in terms of trying to get with me.

They told her to delete the request and to not come on to me in the slightest and they concluded that would completely lower my attraction level.

And here I was most of the summer with my thumb up my a$$ trying to figure out why this girl was so passive-aggressive with me. Her stupid fcking suite-mates.

100% dont confront her, but don't be afraid to keep hitting her up. If you guys are banging she knows you have something to gain from doing so (you're not just chasing the emotional aspect of her). This does not show weakness, it just shows you know what you want. Just remember its your mindset. Don't think her ghosting you is purely disinterest – there are plenty of things that could be going on behind the scene that affect her actions toward you. Just remember not to be too hot or too cold and I think you'll turn out find in the LR.

 

[TheCWord]

The only thing I can say is keep hanging out and having fun. But keep your options open!! Don't let this girl rattle you.

Now I'm considering texting her and doing this... She's a freak in bed...

 

[JoeMarron]

I don't care what her reasons are, her interest level or how much of a freak she is. Chasing women is a waste of time to me. If she can't be bothered to initiate anything then nothing will be initiated. Simple as that. Anyone who studies human psychology will tell you that the more we invest into something the more we care about it. You're starting to care more because you're investing so much more than she is. Stay the course with NC

 

[hockeyfreak79]

I know exactly what you're saying and you have my sympathy. You never want to be putting in all the effort with a girl. A woman who is emotionally unavailable like this one will only do the bare minimum to keep you on the hook. Not fun.

Consider yourself lucky by the way. I wish I knew this a year ago. I had to deal with this crap while being almost totally clueless. I knew something was wrong but I didn't put it together.

Pat yourself on the back for having good danger sense. This one will hurt you eventually if you let her.

^^^Good stuff right there^^^

I'm in a similar situation with 1 plate since September. I chased a little in the beginning and then flipped the script. I just stop giving 2fvcks. If at any time it starts to feel like an up hill battle with a broad I'm done. Lost frame what ever you want to call it.
HA no offense OP but sounds like you are the chick tryin to chase a relationship and this broad just wants a fvck buddy?! She's definitely keeping her distance emotionally, that is pretty obvious.

How old is this broad Cword? just curious...

 

[TheCWord]

^^^Good stuff right there^^^

I'm in a similar situation with 1 plate since September. I chased a little in the beginning and then flipped the script. I just stop giving 2fvcks. If at any time it starts to feel like an up hill battle with a broad I'm done. Lost frame what ever you want to call it.
HA no offense OP but sounds like you are the chick tryin to chase a relationship and this broad just wants a fvck buddy?! She's definitely keeping her distance emotionally, that is pretty obvious.

How old is this broad Cword? just curious...

She's 25, right in the middle of the no relationship zone. Meanwhile, I'm 29 and more open to locking it down with the right woman.

As to if she's the right one? Well, I ended up texting her yesterday. She said she felt like we haven't seen each other in forever and she misses me. I give her half a point there - if she missed me so much she could've always texted me.

Anyway, she's coming over tonight and I'm just going to stay the course. Even though you're right, hockeyfreak, and I'm acting like a bit of a chick here, I'd never show my hand to her... Besides, this whole notion that she's LTR material is predicated on her being a consistently high-interest girl. Which so far she hasn't been: she acts like GF material in person but not when away from base. Inconsistency is a huge red flag for me.

 

[Renegade357]

As to if she's the right one? Well, I ended up texting her yesterday. She said she felt like we haven't seen each other in forever and she misses me. I give her half a point there - if she missed me so much she could've always texted me.

I would say this is a decent sign but also could fall into the category of doing the "bare minimum". Words are nice but actions speak louder. Just make sure she's displaying consistent behavior and things continue to progress. You are grading her. If she gives you the hot cold routine and things don't move forward in the next month or so I'd consider dropping her. Better than wasting your time like I did.

 

[denverfan110]

But is it really wasting his time if they're still slamming?

I mean I get it if he's looking to LTR another girl up, but why drop her if he's single if she doesn't turn out to be LTR material...? Just keep banging her.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

She's 25, right in the middle of the no relationship zone. Meanwhile, I'm 29 and more open to locking it down with the right woman.

As to if she's the right one? Well, I ended up texting her yesterday. She said she felt like we haven't seen each other in forever and she misses me. I give her half a point there - if she missed me so much she could've always texted me.

Anyway, she's coming over tonight and I'm just going to stay the course. Even though you're right, hockeyfreak, and I'm acting like a bit of a chick here, I'd never show my hand to her... Besides, this whole notion that she's LTR material is predicated on her being a consistently high-interest girl. Which so far she hasn't been: she acts like GF material in person but not when away from base. Inconsistency is a huge red flag for me.

Yeah it sounds like she is definitely holding back, I can't agree with you more about inconsistency. My 25yr plate is making me dinner tonight at her place tonight. :woo: She has made it very clear she is not looking for a relationship. Friends w/ben.....sweet----> Shoots he scores!
Maybe your plate is just to scared to tell you this? No clue brother...

I really try not to get to caught up in all this mental masturbation, but you bring up really valid points. Yeah, I am definitely not a keyboard jockey cause I'm at lose for words.

 

[JoeMarron]

But is it really wasting his time if they're still slamming?

I mean I get it if he's looking to LTR another girl up, but why drop her if he's single if she doesn't turn out to be LTR material...? Just keep banging her.

Yes because he's becoming needy. He said it himself that he's beginning to care more than she is. Stay in a situation like this and eventually you end up doing something stupid and getting pissed at yourself for falling for it.

 

[VladPatton]

You gotta pull back, man. You are obviously not happy with the way things are going. A demotion is in order for this chick. Take her from possible LTR to a FB. If there's someone giving her advice on her end and she in fact is trying to counter-game you, let if fall on her head. Two people cannot game each other, it will turn into a Mexican standoff.

If she's such a hard ass about being a certain way, let her be "that" way. I think you should begin the process of cutting your losses if things go sour on the FWB course. There really is nothing more you can do.

Shıt like this from a girl has the possibility for one to go full-blown-AFC. Don't go there. I don't care how much of a freak she is in bed.

Good luck.

 

[Night-hawk]

I don't care what her reasons are, her interest level or how much of a freak she is. Chasing women is a waste of time to me. If she can't be bothered to initiate anything then nothing will be initiated. Simple as that. Anyone who studies human psychology will tell you that the more we invest into something the more we care about it. You're starting to care more because you're investing so much more than she is. Stay the course with NC

Yes.

You are on the treadmill and she is dangling herself in front of you. The harder you try the higher she increases the treadmill speed. You are back in control when you simply turn the fvcking machine off and cut the strings. Chances are she will either initiate, or be done leading you on like a lap dog.

Reality is, you are sure in yourself how things are when you are in person. However, how she is with you when you are apart matters just as much. A woman not missing her man or reciprocating acts of initiation when he is not around (to have him around)is low quality in my books.

I know it's annoying and I know where you're coming from.

You may be too invested and care too much to lay out what you really like so she knows. "I really love when a girl I'm with is direct and shows me reasons to keep seeing her, like initiating ways to do things together. I find that kind of reciprocating a turn on."

You do test and screen the girls you are with I assume.

She will either be too stupid to get it, smart enough to get it and want to do more to keep you, or her interest level isn't high enough to be bothered by it.