Telling my wife I will be hanging with friends as a test?

[SecondHalf]

Don't test your wife.
She's about to give birth to your love child.
No need for tests (games) now!

I agree with many of the other posts here though.
Don't lose sight of yourself and your interests.
Also beware of preferring to spend time with your wife (24/7) rather than spare a few hours for yourself and friends. If that's really the case, maybe you need new friends.

Pay attention to these posts. Had I had such a resource or the foresight to use it, I'd still be married and not a single father.

Go responsibly pursue what interests you.

SH

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Second Half,
^^^^^^^^^ Bluddy good Post Mate.

 

[The_411]

Why play games? Why test? Women do these things not men.

Ideally a man should just do and make decisions based on the results after all we're supposed to be the logic based sex of the species.

In this case her IL will likely be all over the place becuase she's pregnant and her hormones will be wildy fluctuating and her moods will be wildy fluctuating as well.

As was mentioned earlier it's about balance. She's very vulnerable right now so she will need you more than ever and it's understandable to be supportive and assist her.

However, that being said you should still have time to yourself otherwise you two will drive each other nuts. She should understand that you need time to still have time with your friends so you can avoid resentment from spending too much time together.

The ebst way to do this is to talk with her and say "xxx, I think it's a good idea that I spend some time with my friends every once in while as I need some time to spend with my friends to decompress so I can stay fresh and be at my best when you need me." I'm sure there are some friends and/or family of hers that can stay with her and I would think she'd be ammenable to that.

As for you you need to spend that time apart for the scarcity as well as the refueling and relaxing time.

 

[Tazman]

I'm curious why the whole keeping IL high popped in your head at this particular moment.

I would think there was some situation/drama that spurred this on. It just seems like an odd time to be thinking about this since you've expressed how depressed your wife is.

Also, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you consider getting married and having kids means you've grown up/matured as opposed to your friends who haven't?

The few friends that I have who are married with kids would love to hang out if they had the time, the only reason they don't is because their schedules and commitments prevent them from doing so. When we do though, you can tell they try to let loose as much as possible because they miss it. Mind you, these are guys I grew up with, they're like brothers.

Certain activities just can't be fully enjoyed with women hanging around, you know, the whole egg shell thing. Not to mention, the nagging about leaving because they're bored or uninterested in what the guys are doing. Works out great when you can bring other women to keep them occupied.

However, I do understand not all guys are into these things, I guess to each his own.

 

[FairShake]

Wanna raise her interest level? Be an awesome father. Assuming you married the right woman this will be huge.

 

[AlNess]

I'm curious why the whole keeping IL high popped in your head at this particular moment.

I would think there was some situation/drama that spurred this on. It just seems like an odd time to be thinking about this since you've expressed how depressed your wife is.

The situation: remembering how old GFs took off after a while of my developing and displaying certain traits I wasn't aware of until I found SS. I'd reach a level of comfort in the relationship that I wouldn't break out of, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. Having that happen with old GFs back when I was younger is one thing...but I can't let that happen in my marriage.

Also, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you consider getting married and having kids means you've grown up/matured as opposed to your friends who haven't?

Of course. I've entered a whole new chapter in my life, with a shift in priorities, interests, and values. I'm in a marriage that's still new, and I'm going to be responsible for another human life. The page I used to be on can never compare to that.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Hey Alness,

I get why you'd scale back the hanging with buddies time since you've been married. Honestly, there have been times I've bailed or canceled plans (despite my wife's encouragement otherwise) with guy friends because I'd rather chill at home with the wife. Now, whether that means I wanted to be with her or just be home is open to interpretation. When I was a single man, I did the same thing - sometimes I just didn't want to go out at all and preferred chilling at home. The fact that my wife will go along with whatever I suggest (movie, cards, cooking, watch football, sex, etc.) makes it easy for me I suppose. I can only imagine it gets easier to stay home when she's with child or when you have children. Just be careful not to write off your guy friends. Maybe instead of downing beers at the pub you can organize something more interesting, like flag football or whatever. Just a thought.

As far as going to the gym, don't do that as a test - do it for you. If it similarly motivates her to get into shape, that's great. You have to walk a fine line when a woman is pregnant and bloated. She's carrying extra weight and it takes a lot of effort to get that rockin' body back. She's liable to be spiteful if you're showing off your guns or rubbing it in her face that you're in shape and she's not (or if your time is being taken up inordinately and paying little mind to her). Keep yourself healthy and fit but be mindful of what you're wife's going through physically.

Really great post.

I've never suggested in this thread that the OP stop loving or caring about his wife -- I do believe in caring about someone (not in a way that debases yourself) -- but let's also be honest, it doesn't take too much AFC behavior that women just drop out and their vaginas go all dry. It's not a bad idea, I don't think, to refresh with some of this material to make sure you keep your frame. Trust me man, I do wish for anyone who wants to, to have a happy marriage and healthy family -- that's huge -- there's more to life than just career or whatever! We all want success with women or we wouldn't be here!

 

[scrouds]

Wanna raise her interest level? Be an awesome father. Assuming you married the right woman this will be huge.

Don't forget to buy her flowers and not complain when she "has a headache" at night.

Some people. :trouble: :trouble: :trouble:

 

[AlNess]

True. Chicks hate flowers and not being forced to have sex. Wives especially.

I have alot to learn. You'd think I've never been married before.

:crackup:

 

[Aaron B]

I was watching Beyond Boiling Point last night and when Gordon Ramsay's wife gave birth with twins he wasn't even at the hospital.

He showed up later, checked the kids out, then bounced

This is a guy that millions of women fantasize about

 

[mrRuckus]

So make new friends if you don't want to hang out with the old ones. What is the issue?

You'll regret putting too much emphasis on wife and family if you don't.

 

[mrRuckus]

..double post...

 

[AlNess]

I was watching Beyond Boiling Point last night and when Gordon Ramsay's wife gave birth with twins he wasn't even at the hospital.

He showed up later, checked the kids out, then bounced

This is a guy that millions of women fantasize about

Let's hope Ramsay doesn't later regret that.

Millions of women fantasize about him because he's got 1,222,846 tv shows, he's watched by millions of people, owns over 20 restaurants all over the world, is rich, and is not a bad-looking guy. If you're a committed husband and father, though, it shouldn't matter to you who's fantasizing about you.

Lots of women whose husbands make little time for the wife and kids because of constantly having to attend to business tend to put up with it (if they don't divorce their husbands, that is), but it doesn't necessarily make for the best home life. The kids in such an equation are the ones who usually wind up with the shortest straw. Any rich man who has been able to knock up a woman can write a big check, but that alone doesn't make him a good father. This past season of Gene Simmons' reality show chronicled the bs he put his partner/wife and kids through with his constantly being away from the home, either by being Mr. Aging Rock Star on tour or by being involved in some new big business venture.

Now, for the average man who's NOT a celebrity not being at the hospital when his wife gives birth, then showing up later for a bit and then taking off? Those guys are either cheating on the wife, too "busy" for family, or a deadbeat dad. Some of those men are all 3.

 

[Zunder]

Mate - this is nuts.
I would have thought you would have found / sorted all this sh!t out before you got married to her. Its bit more involved to "next" your wife - compared to nexting a one night stand.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I bet one thing that would hurt Gordon Ramsay's ego is that I have 0 clue who this person is.

Not being at the birth of your own child isn't "alpha", it's "douche-bag-mc-douchenstein1000" -- there's nothing "beta" about seeing your own baby being born for jebus fvckssake...yeah what a pvssy that guy is for seeing the blood of his loins birthed into the world, I bet he even has AFC-love for his baby!...what a loser, he should be out bangin' wh0res and doing blow off a hooker's back!

[I know nobody was suggesting my above statements, but]: Too extreme guys! Too fvcking extreme! I hope to god any self-respecting woman torches some bum who can't even be at the birth of their own child. Some guys here talk about NEXTING her because she grabs her phone at dinner...but we consider not being at the birth of your own child "alpha"....

AlNess -- these women are probably tied to the lifestyle these men provide -- there is no real love in these equations, at least what I would consider a genuine care for one another. It is more so a deal of pure self-interest.

I worked for a school in northern Los Angeles which was a private school for celebrities children. I'm talking the top TV and Movie producers in the US -- my job was to help with their outdoor/environmental education expeditions...I spent 1 week with these kids camping and they learned basics of coastal ecology, etc -- you know what? Half of these kids hardly knew their parents at all. They had nannies who took care of them. Their dad was "too busy" at work or touring around being a successful producer to have any real relationship with their children. Why people get married or have children have a wide array of underlying rationales and reasons -- all I can say is, there's nothing chump about loving your family and your child -- I think we men really just want to understand how to maximize our attraction, maximize her interest and keep it -- along with our own self-respect and her respect for us. It's been debated in countless threads, but we've got to be careful with the extremes and applying these extremes to concepts like "alpha", "beta", "nice guy" and "jerk".

AlNess -- any update on your situation? Things going better man? You didn't consciously sh!t test your wife did you?

 

[penkitten]

The last time I saw my friends was 3 weeks ago, and she gave me a bit of **** about it.

why did she give you crap about it?
i can not give you any advice on this subject without knowing what took place during this particular conversation.

 

[scrouds]

Everything in balance.

 

[Warrior74]

My wife is very depressed and self-conscious now over how pregnancy has taken a toll on her body, both feeling- and appearance-wise. The last thing I want to do is make her feel worse about that, and I don't know if my starting to exercise now would trigger that. Any thoughts?

It probably will. Depends. It doesn't matter, if you want to workout, workout. One thing you learn is that you can't control how other people interpret your actions.

Also, I've got friends who often ask me to hang out, but with the exception of one or two short hangouts, I decline. It's not even for bar/club stuff, just going over to a friend's place for a few beers. I don't decline because my wife doesn't "let me" go, I decline because I'm not all that interested. To be honest, I just prefer to be with her. I'm pretty conservative and want to be a good family man before our family is even complete. My friends are all single, and I'm just no longer interested in a lot of the stuff they're still into. My life has changed drastically in the past year, and theirs hasn't.

If you don't want to hang with those guys don't. But staying up under your wife 247 is not the way forward either. Expand your own interests.

But here's the thing: Should I still mention to my wife the possibility of getting together with friends soon as a way of testing her interest level? The last time I saw my friends was 3 weeks ago, and she gave me a bit of **** about it. I guess that's a good thing? To be honest, I went to get the guys to quit bugging me about hanging out. But I'm not sure if it's a good idea to explicitly express my desire to only be with her. Input, please.

No. Don't play games. Do what you want to do. She's giving you sh1t about hanging out with people you don't want to hang out with? Hmm....so much wrong with that situation isn't there? Why is she giving you sh1t? Vague questions usually get vague or wildly inapplicable responses.

 

[AlNess]

AlNess -- any update on your situation? Things going better man? You didn't consciously sh!t test your wife did you?

Nah, I realized shortly after I created this thread that such a test is just a mind game, and I'm not down with that. As for how things are going...they're going great, and I realized that it was all in my head. I had been doing some thinking about how old girlfriends lost interest as I slipped into AFC mode back then (long before I even knew what AFC is), and just want to make sure I never make that mistake with my wife. I know what I need to do...I just need to internalize it to the point where I apply it to my life almost as second nature. Since last year, I've caught myself slipping due to the bs of everyday life (working then being too tired after work to want to do anything more than just relax in front of the tv).