Telling my wife I will be hanging with friends as a test?

[AlNess]

I got married late last year, and we're expecting our first child next month. I used to post here under another user name before I met my wife 4 years ago. I learned some good things, but looking back on the past while, I've kinda put that stuff in the backseat. Now that I've been married a little while, I realize the need to "refresh" on certain concepts/tactics. I know it's important to get in shape, take up hobbies, and be spontaneous in order to keep my wife's interest high. This probably isn't too necessary now given that she's having a rough pregnancy and the main thing is to help her with that any way I can; but at the same time, I figure I should get the self-improvement in motion a bit now for when after the baby's here and she's recovered.

My wife is very depressed and self-conscious now over how pregnancy has taken a toll on her body, both feeling- and appearance-wise. The last thing I want to do is make her feel worse about that, and I don't know if my starting to exercise now would trigger that. Any thoughts?

Also, I've got friends who often ask me to hang out, but with the exception of one or two short hangouts, I decline. It's not even for bar/club stuff, just going over to a friend's place for a few beers. I don't decline because my wife doesn't "let me" go, I decline because I'm not all that interested. To be honest, I just prefer to be with her. I'm pretty conservative and want to be a good family man before our family is even complete. My friends are all single, and I'm just no longer interested in a lot of the stuff they're still into. My life has changed drastically in the past year, and theirs hasn't.

But here's the thing: Should I still mention to my wife the possibility of getting together with friends soon as a way of testing her interest level? The last time I saw my friends was 3 weeks ago, and she gave me a bit of **** about it. I guess that's a good thing? To be honest, I went to get the guys to quit bugging me about hanging out. But I'm not sure if it's a good idea to explicitly express my desire to only be with her. Input, please.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

AlNess -- You are likely here because you are fearing you are reverting back and relapsing into AFC-land. You fell for this girl years ago and you are now here because likely her IL is dropping. You are not alone in this experience I posted a thread awhile back where I was losing frame. It didn't end well for me (which is working out for the best in the ways I am being challenged and the better phase of life soon approaching) But per Rollo Tomassi on this forum, here's a post he's linked to time and time again, and I've found it myself to be particularly relevant and useful to my own personal experiences:

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/relationship-game-week-a-readers-journey/

I can understand that your friends are not on the same page -- this is a hard place to be in, where you are now in a committed relationship and your wife and your children are your new life and your friends are still doing their "same old things". But what really you are risking is some outside stream of activity into your life beyond her and your soon-to-be-child. I am in no way suggesting some lack of being a good father, etc, but what I am saying is if you stop doing things like getting out of the house (go do something you really enjoy if its not hanging out with your friends--forge new friends who do these things at those places) you are going to kill your relationship.

You have to take whatever principles it were that really attracted her to you in the beginning and be doing those things. Clearly the path of life changes and so do variables, but beyond one-line openers, there are some fundamental things you were doing that kept her very interested. Go back in that direction of behavior. Just because you are married and have a kid does not stamp the seal of guarantee on 30+ years together. You are going to have to actively be working on yourself to keep your value high. Work out in addition to taking care of her -- become more cut -- she may see you as a damned hero months from now if you use this time to work on yourself, while helping the development of this child, and while forging some outside hobbyism/information to your life...otherwise you will grow stale man, I am telling you for god's sake, you may not recognize who you are becoming. And I tell you this not from having had a child or a wife yet, but from having grown stale myself -- and your attitude resembles the one I carried. Don't grow stale in this thing -- you've got to forge some outside relationships beyond your marriage or you are going to be isolating yourself.

To your question about mentioning "friends":
Don't play games with her. Genuinely setup something you care about that is important and go do it. If you want to start lying about seeing friends just to see "what she'll do" you are already on a destructive course of thinking. You have to have something legitimate of value to be doing. It would likely, build her attraction, if you went and did this without asking or being concerned with her approval.

I understand where you are coming from in the sense that she is your focus, you now have no outside interests -- but that very thing is the AFC-relapse. You are going to pedestal her and debase yourself. Get on this now man, read those threads, talk to others and establish a new frame.

ps, and please understand I am entirely rooting for your relationship and your marriage -- I am really saying here it sounds like you are slowly whipping yourself and this is a common thing. You have to be pushing your own life development while not destroying your relationship -- you've got to have some way to challenge yourself within the context of your relationship. And you should never be "staying fat" or "staying out of shape" because she is. If anything, you should be taking care of your body -- and clearly you have no intentions of abandoning her because of her present low-self esteem via pregnancy. You don't have to go walk around all macho and put her down. If anything, maybe it would motivate her towards a path of fitness post-pregnancy ; or, maybe there are certain activities she can do while pregnant to make herself feel better.

 

[Aaron B]

how about you live your life instead of trying to tailor your actions based on what you believe her reaction and emotions will be?

what are you afraid of?

its normal to spend time with your friends

its not normal to avoid your friends because you are afraid of your wife (actually I guess it is "normal" now since so many guys do it)

you can do every little thing the way you think she wants it done and the relationship STILL might fail

 

[women haze]

What the hell....So it's AFC to take care of your F###### Pregant wife now??? Are we that far removed from reality? That advising Men to focus on other things besides the hardest moment in a woman's life the RIGHT thing to do????

I understand that maintaining your sense of self is important, but do you realize Buddha mind that taking care of your wife in her trying time not only looks out for her benefit , but yours...the relationship, and the life of your new born baby.

When a Woman(your Wife) is pregnant.. the game, control the frame, ****y + funny bulls### needs to stop. It is about her, and you and your child now..

True friends understand that, actually they would do their best to support YOU in this time of your life.

buddha mind i respect your intelligence but I somehow think that you are kinda off base with some of that advice. I feel you, but then i don't....IT IS NOT AFC TO LOVE AND PROTECT AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR PREGNANT WIFE.....

I'm sorry carry on

 

[scrouds]

What the hell....So it's AFC to take care of your F###### Pregant wife now??? Are we that far removed from reality? That advising Men to focus on other things besides the hardest moment in a woman's life the RIGHT thing to do????

I understand that maintaining your sense of self is important, but do you realize Buddha mind that taking care of your wife in her trying time not only looks out for her benefit , but yours...the relationship, and the life of your new born baby.

When a Woman(your Wife) is pregnant.. the game, control the frame, ****y + funny bulls### needs to stop. It is about her, and you and your child now..

True friends understand that, actually they would do their best to support YOU in this time of your life.

buddha mind i respect your intelligence but I somehow think that you are kinda off base with some of that advice. I feel you, but then i don't....IT IS NOT AFC TO LOVE AND PROTECT AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR PREGNANT WIFE.....

I'm sorry carry on

One of these days you will learn the meaning of the word balance.

how about you live your life instead of trying to tailor your actions based on what you believe her reaction and emotions will be?

what are you afraid of?

its normal to spend time with your friends

its not normal to avoid your friends because you are afraid of your wife (actually I guess it is "normal" now since so many guys do it)

you can do every little thing the way you think she wants it done and the relationship STILL might fail

Dead on. The way I see it, there are 3 spheres each person has in a relationship. There is the you sphere, there is the her sphere, and there is the together sphere. They should have a semblance of balance. The dynamics are pretty interesting. Women by nature can be left desiring more in the "together" sphere. That is a natural state. If they desire more in her sphere that is her pulling away. Cue exploding relationship image.

On the other hand, when the man pulls away from the collective and puts some time into the personal, the relationship is strengthened. To a point. Remove too much in the collective sphere and you destroy the relationship.

The way I see it, a woman should be a complement to your life, not the main event.

 

[AlNess]

To be clear, it's not that my wife's IL has dropped. My only major concerns right now are helping my wife with her pregnancy (which has been very rough) and the arrival of our soon-to-be-born baby.

Though I know my wife's IL hasn't dropped, I was still curious about the "friends test" as somewhat of a proactive measure, because I have felt myself abandoning my individuality lately. In addition to my full-time job, I was also very busy with school until I graduated last year, so since then I haven't had anything else filling up my individual time. I posted this thread more for insight on what to stay on top of AFTER the baby is born and things get more normal (even though I know our "normal" will be different once the baby is here). I really want to be proactive to avoid IL dropping in the future.

I had a bad feeling about the friends test, as I ultimately see it as a mind game, which I do not want to resort to. I do think I really will hang with one of my friends at his place for a bit again one of these days (he's always asking if he can pass by my place, but that's out of the question while my wife is preg), but it obviously won't ever be as frequent a thing as it once was. Despite a man needing to be social beyond his wife, that's to be kept to a minimum; the wife and child always come first.

Besides, I haven't totally "stalled out." I'm also in the process of establishing a career in my field of study, so I guess the "individual" ball is still rolling a bit.

 

[women haze]

Quoting Shrouds....

One of these days you will learn the meaning of the word balance.

WTF are you talking about? This has nothing to do with balance...When the baby is born healthy and strong, then you can resume your normal finding hobbies, playing the game or whatever I am not saying ignore your friends, and stop enjoying yourself...All I am saying is Keep your Priorities in order.


Dead on. The way I see it, there are 3 spheres each person has in a relationship. There is the you sphere, there is the her sphere, and there is the together sphere. They should have a semblance of balance. The dynamics are pretty interesting. Women by nature can be left desiring more in the "together" sphere. That is a natural state. If they desire more in her sphere that is her pulling away. Cue exploding relationship image.

On the other hand, when the man pulls away from the collective and puts some time into the personal, the relationship is strengthened. To a point. Remove too much in the collective sphere and you destroy the relationship.

The way I see it, a woman should be a complement to your life, not the main event.

So having a baby with someone you love isn't considered main event level?

 

[Aaron B]

i think the disconnect here is that him acting based on what he believes she wants from him is not the same as doing the things that will make her feel loved and supported

he can spend every moment with her and forsake his friends but if he doesn't actually love and support her its not going to matter

it seems to me like his main motivation is to keep the peace by avoiding engaging in behavior that he believes (perhaps mistakenly) will lead her to treat him like he's "in trouble"

lastly, we need to examine our own beliefs and realize that what we believe about women and pregnancy may not be consistent with reality

its a natural process. it basically takes care of itself. there's just not that much he needs to do other than provide financially, make sure the electricity doesn't cut off, and be there emotionally when she needs him

he can easily do all that AND spend time with his friends. and he can spend zero time with his friends and get all that wrong. its not an either/or

 

[FairShake]

Do it for the children!

Why are you contemplating playing games with your wife when she's pregnant? Either you're an assh0le or there's something eating at you. I don't think you're an assh0le so I think you should figure out what is bothering you and fix it. There is no reason sh!t testing your woman about hanging out with your bum friends should be anything close to a priority right now.

My guess? You're a little overcome with the fact you are now tied to woman and child for an unknown amount of time and want to play around with it a little. You may end up playing around too much.

You have to strike a healthy balance at some point. As a father I do. But the balance is tipped in the beginning. Every good father I know knows that.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

First and foremost, post an age on your profile if wish to continue posting in the Mature Man's forum.

I got married late last year, and we're expecting our first child next month. I used to post here under another user name before I met my wife 4 years ago.

A few questions before we continue:

You met her 4 years ago, what has your relationship been like since then?

Has she given you grief, or passive-aggressively disapproved of your spending time with friends or family when you were not married and she wasn't pregnant?

According to your info, she's going to deliver next month. This would mean you got her pregnant around February? You also mention you got married late last year, how late? Did you marry her because she got pregnant?

Did you live together before you were married? If so, for how long?

I don't decline because my wife doesn't "let me" go, I decline because I'm not all that interested.

You must be interested to some degree or you wouldn't have started this thread. You'll forgive me, but I've heard far too many guys apologize to themselves using exactly these words. Is it that your wife wont let you go, or is it more that you wont let you go because you fear the resentment and emotional repercussions if you do go?

 

[AlNess]

Do it for the children!

Why are you contemplating playing games with your wife when she's pregnant? Either you're an assh0le or there's something eating at you. I don't think you're an assh0le so I think you should figure out what is bothering you and fix it. There is no reason sh!t testing your woman about hanging out with your bum friends should be anything close to a priority right now.

My guess? You're a little overcome with the fact you are now tied to woman and child for an unknown amount of time and want to play around with it a little. You may end up playing around too much.

You have to strike a healthy balance at some point. As a father I do. But the balance is tipped in the beginning. Every good father I know knows that.

I think you've very much missed the nature of my thread and have completely skipped over certain parts of my posts.

As I previously stated, I never did feel right about testing my wife with the friends thing, for I ultimately know that is a mind game.

And no, I'm not overwhelmed with by being "tied" to a woman and having baby on the way. I don't feel "tied" or "stuck" at all. I love being married to my wife. I also don't want to "play around" a little," either; I stated in my initial post that I'm not even all that interested in hanging with my friends nowadays, for my life has taken on an extremely different trajectory in the past year compared to their lives. My interests and values have changed. My goal is to be the best possible family man that I can be; and maintaining IL plays a role in that (which is what this thread is about).

 

[AlNess]

A few questions before we continue:

You met her 4 years ago, what has your relationship been like since then?

Has she given you grief, or passive-aggressively disapproved of your spending time with friends or family when you were not married and she wasn't pregnant?

According to your info, she's going to deliver next month. This would mean you got her pregnant around February? You also mention you got married late last year, how late? Did you marry her because she got pregnant?

Did you live together before you were married? If so, for how long?



You must be interested to some degree or you wouldn't have started this thread. You'll forgive me, but I've heard far too many guys apologize to themselves using exactly these words. Is it that your wife wont let you go, or is it more that you wont let you go because you fear the resentment and emotional repercussions if you do go?

Our relationship has been quite excellent; it still is.

No grief of any kind from her about me hanging with friends before we were married. Then again, out of my small group of friends, there's only one I'd hang with more regularly...but I diminished that a while after I began dating my wife; not because she "forced" me to, but because I would much rather be with her most of the time.

We dated for almost 2 years before getting engaged in mid-2009. Got married in November. The pregnancy was planned (we definitely didn't want her pregnant before the wedding). We didn't live together before getting married.

I don't hang with the guys simply because I don't want to; to the point where I was anxious to leave the night we did get together a few weeks back...not because I didn't want the wife to complain (I wasn't gone long and didn't come home late)...but because while I was there, I kept thinking "been there, done that, I'm over it." I'm just very much into this next chapter of my life, and sitting around with the guys, drinking beer and watching music videos from our high school days just doesn't do it for me anymore.

 

[FairShake]

I don't think I missed the point of the thread at all.

As I previously stated, I never did feel right about testing my wife with the friends thing, for I ultimately know that is a mind game.

Yet your original question is:

But here's the thing: Should I still mention to my wife the possibility of getting together with friends soon as a way of testing her interest level?

So I was answering the question by saying that mind games aren't really for family men and especially not when one is a raging hormonal monster. I don't think it's time to gauge interest levels and I wonder why you are doing it. It goes against common sense. Which of course you KNOW since you don't feel right about it. So my thought was it might be self-sabotage.

Look for your own reasoning. If it's self-sabotage, lingering insecurity, etc you need to find it and nip it in the bud. But these games aren't the product of healthy relationships. When women do it we can all point out how crazy and off they are. The same needs to apply to us!

 

[HeMan]

if you continue to have this attitude you will eventually loose your friends.

hanging with friends should be fun, not a burden

 

[Burroughs]

This reminds me of an interview I heard on the radio several years ago.

It was an old school hockey player, a member of one of Bobby Orr's mighty Bruins teams. The interviewer asked if he ever took time out to see the birth of his kids. He said 'hell no. back then no one did...That's woman's work."

funny $hit

 

[AlNess]

I don't think I missed the point of the thread at all.



Yet your original question is:



So I was answering the question by saying that mind games aren't really for family men and especially not when one is a raging hormonal monster. I don't think it's time to gauge interest levels and I wonder why you are doing it. It goes against common sense. Which of course you KNOW since you don't feel right about it. So my thought was it might be self-sabotage.

Look for your own reasoning. If it's self-sabotage, lingering insecurity, etc you need to find it and nip it in the bud. But these games aren't the product of healthy relationships. When women do it we can all point out how crazy and off they are. The same needs to apply to us!

My post stems from wanting to prevent self-sabotage in the future, actually. While I ultimately do realize that the last month of a wife's pregnancy is not necessarily the best time to gauge ILs (especially after only 10 months of marriage), at the same time, I do want to have my ducks in a row and hit the ground running with self-improvement by the time the baby is born and the wife is recovering, if not before then. As I mentioned before, I haven't had anything else keep me busy on an individual level (beyond my regular work hours, that is) since finishing school last year. That has left me feeling kind of "stalled out" as of late, and it's made me insecure. My wife might not notice that yet due to the novelties and adjustments of getting married, moving in together, and having a baby on the way, but I still think I need to do something before she does notice. I really look forward to the whole new adventure of fatherhood keeping me very busy soon; but I feel a need for something through which I can continue developing that part of me that's not a husband or a dad, which I think could actually help me become a better husband and dad.

 

[sodbuster]

As you grow, you will grow apart from some of your friends. You'll need to replace them with others who share your new interests. You can't talk to most single guys about married life/raising kids and you can't talk about investing ideas talking with most of the old jocks.

You DO need to keep some space,some time to decompress from the wife and kids...just not right now.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear ALNess,
Without being judgemental,and appreciating that you don't have to fall off a cliff to know it's going to hurt....To post on this you really have to have been there...In general if a decision to have a Family was seriously thought through,you should have appreciated there were going to be quite a few sacrifices involved....The ones I feel sorry for are the Career Women,used to Kicking butt,and the Life of a High Flyer,having to assume the demeaning role of becoming a Mother,this is a real leveller....Without a strong Family support network,it can become a real problem...Rollo was a bit grumpy with you this morning,probably never got his Oats before he went to work,but his questions are for your welfare,and you need some Professional advice.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

.but I diminished that a while after I began dating my wife; not because she "forced" me to, but because I would much rather be with her most of the time.

Fair enough, but did YOU force you to is the real question. This may not be your case, but if you asked most men "does your wife forbid, limit or 'allow' you to see your friends?" most guys will take that as an affront to their manhood and offer up the exact reasoning you have, "I'd just rather be with her." It's a solid defense because you can't question that sensibility - it sounds responsible, like you've outgrown having fun with friends and moved on to desire more mature pursuits like family and marriage. Yet, here we are, discussing this topic in a thread you felt it was important enough to create and get input from a forum of men.

I kept thinking "been there, done that, I'm over it." I'm just very much into this next chapter of my life, and sitting around with the guys, drinking beer and watching music videos from our high school days just doesn't do it for me anymore.

So, what's the problem then?

 

[AlNess]

Fair enough, but did YOU force you to is the real question. This may not be your case, but if you asked most men "does your wife forbid, limit or 'allow' you to see your friends?" most guys will take that as an affront to their manhood and offer up the exact reasoning you have, "I'd just rather be with her." It's a solid defense because you can't question that sensibility - it sounds responsible, like you've outgrown having fun with friends and moved on to desire more mature pursuits like family and marriage. Yet, here we are, discussing this topic in a thread you felt it was important enough to create and get input from a forum of men.



So, what's the problem then?

it seems that just about everyone here has missed the nature of this thread. Please re-read the opening post. This is NOT about my wife competing with my friends for time, or my wanting to spend more time with friends, etc. I used the friends thing as an example of something I figured I'd use to gauge IL...the part about hanging with friends is just a variable.

To clear the air once and for all, I was wondering about things I can do to keep I'll as high as it is now....but I've since realized certain things I can do, so I have found answers to my question since this thread was created.

But if you insist on discussing the married/hanging with friends issue, I'm sure what you mentioned actually does apply to many guys: "but if you asked most men "does your wife forbid, limit or 'allow' you to see your friends?" most guys will take that as an affront to their manhood and offer up the exact reasoning you have, "I'd just rather be with her." It's a solid defense because you can't question that sensibility - it sounds responsible, like you've outgrown having fun with friends and moved on to desire more mature pursuits like family and marriage."....but I don't go that route because it's a "solid defense," I go that route because I actually do feel that way. My interests and values have changed. I'm off work on Wednesdays, and when I've gone to have lunch with a single friend of mine who works near my home, it hasn't been bad, but at the same time, it has also felt like a retread...just talking about the "good ol days," and hearing about interests I no longer share. I've just "grown up" some since...