Talking too much in dates

[froznie]

Hey guys,

I haven't been in the dating game for a while, been in an LTR for about 6 years right now.

I'm in my mid 30s and so is my fiance and everyone else mentioned in the story.

Anyway a female friend of mine has recently been on a date with a guy, and she was really interested in him. She spent quite a bit of time preparing for the date because she wanted to make herself as pretty as possible. She met the guy quickly before and they didn't really have to talk much but there was a good connection so her asked her out. The guy seems like a good catch, well dressed, fit, good education, well spoken, good job, etc. The girl is herself a professional so it seemed promising.

Anyway, so, the date itself was an absolute disaster. The guy spent the entire evening doing nothing but talk about himself. She said after the date that many times she didn't say anything to cause pauses in the conversation, giving the guy a chance to ask her one thing about herself. He didn't. He didn't ask her one question about herself. Not one. All he did was tell her his entire life story.

Now she doesn't even want a second date anymore. He turned her off completely.

The guy is in his 30s. I would have guessed that by that age he would have learned not to make this high-school level inexperienced screw up.

Seriously, guys, I think this is the single worst thing a guy can do in a date.

I think it has something to do with the guy thinking the girl is hot and wanting her, so in his mind he already wants the girl, but he's preoccupied about wanting to make the girl like him. So he acts like a computer store salesman trying to sell a product (himself) by inundating the girl with information hoping there's something in there she's going to like.

A different mindset is... if the guy "knows" he's a catch, his mindset is not about making the girl like him, but more about finding out as much as possible about the girl to see if she's worth HIM. And then he would appear much more relaxed and in control and would have asked her questions and made her talk about herself.... which is exactly what she was waiting for him to do all evening long.

I guess it's pretty basic stuff, and I'm sure anyone who posts regularly on forums like this one must've heard it 1000 times, but it doesn't hurt to hear another example.

 

[NSX-R]

Don't think that because everybody in this forum knows about , then everybody in the world also does. Many people swallow the blue pill for their whole life till they die and in most cases they never realise that there is also a red pill .
Take for example all these feminist males .

 

[Mike32ct]

Good thread. Just want to add one thing though...

It's more than just talking about yourself versus not talking about yourself. It's about giving the other person a chance to talk so they feel important and included.

It's actually a myth that everybody prefers to talk about themselves. Some shy/modest or lower self-esteem people hate talking about themselves. BUT, they still want to be heard and feel included and feel like their thoughts are welcome.

So, yeah, talking only about yourself is bad form. No doubt. But even worse is talking non-stop and not letting the other person get a word in edge-wise.

But anyway, great real-world example.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

First date should always ALWAYS be The Three Bar Bounce

http://the3bromigos.com/2013/03/04/the-best-first-date-advice-you-will-read-this-year/

There comes a point where you just have to shut the fck up look at her and kiss her.

 

[MrWood]

good catch was his beta downfall.

he still thinks that presenting his "credentials" and not escalating is "respecting" her and allowing her to choose him.

this is what you did 20-30 years ago to secure a good woman... I bet his parents have been married 30+ years and had a reasonable normal upbringing.

 

[Von]

He's not a great salesman that's for sure.

80% of the spotlight should be on her... talking about herself.... 20% on you to create intimacy,escalation,intimacy in her 80%.

Why? people love to talk about themselves... the more she talks about herself and your interventions are to escalate intimacy... you'll get laid.

To get there... control your frame

 

[resilient]

How do you guys get shy/introverted girls to talk about themselves?

I've been in sets where I was attracted to another woman and I did a little talking to get a topic flowing and open her with open-ended questions, yet she typically gives short answers, doesn't elaborate enough about herself or the topic so that interaction puts pressure back on me to continue the flow of conversation.

Worse thing to happen that makes me feel like sh!t is when their eyes look down, around the room, or worse yet, pull up their phone to see if they got or read recent text messages, Instagram, FB, etc.

 

[Roober]

I have a buddy like this. Talk talk talk talk talk talk... even when you say something, it is like he doesn't even pay attention because he is thinking of what he wants to say. It's no wonder he is single and rarely dates...

I try to keep conversation to about 70% them and 30% you, not only with women. You don't learn anything when you talk. I do this in almost all of my interactions. People do love to talk about themselves and you have an advantage over people when they talk.

 

[RangerMIke]

If you are talking too much you are trying to hard... which means she is putting in less effort and she will lose interest.

The important thing to realize when you are on a date is not to try and figure out what anything means. Lots of guys look at EVERYTHING that is happening and they will ask "What does this mean.... what does THAT mean..." We men want to break everything down into parts and analyze what each part means and how it fits together.

That is the wrong approach... women are emotional so it ALL matters... little things are contextual. Talking too much isn't really going to hurt you, if you are entertaining. If you are making her laugh. If you are being entertaining but of you are checking out other women while you are talking to her none of that matters.

 

[Konada]

How do you guys get shy/introverted girls to talk about themselves?

I've been in sets where I was attracted to another woman and I did a little talking to get a topic flowing and open her with open-ended questions, yet she typically gives short answers, doesn't elaborate enough about herself or the topic so that interaction puts pressure back on me to continue the flow of conversation.

Worse thing to happen that makes me feel like sh!t is when their eyes look down, around the room, or worse yet, pull up their phone to see if they got or read recent text messages, Instagram, FB, etc.

When a girl makes no effort to continue the conversation, you leave period.

If you are not happy with the answer she gave you, the best thing you can do is look her directly into her eyes with the expectation for her to elaborate. 9/10 times girls are perceptive to pick up that they are not pleasing you, 1/10 times is that she's not plain interested. Or you can ask 'why?' or 'how come?'

 

[CMNILS87]

1. Mystery
2. More mystery
3. Create an "air of mystery"

When girls ask why you don't talk much or go into details, I just say I'm more of a doer and less of a talker. I'd rather show you. Turn the conversation back on her

Has anyone found a way to combat short answers from a chick when asking tons of questions?

 

[hockeyfreak79]

How do you guys get shy/introverted girls to talk about themselves?

I've been in sets where I was attracted to another woman and I did a little talking to get a topic flowing and open her with open-ended questions, yet she typically gives short answers, doesn't elaborate enough about herself or the topic so that interaction puts pressure back on me to continue the flow of conversation.

Worse thing to happen that makes me feel like sh!t is when their eyes look down, around the room, or worse yet, pull up their phone to see if they got or read recent text messages, Instagram, FB, etc.

I can relate because I'm borderline intro myself. I too get bored easily with small talk unless it's something that really interests me. Not to brag but over the last few yrs I've become really good at reading people. I met the same type last weekend on Halloween night. Push/pull is the best angle IMO.

She was the nerdy/reads a lot brainy type and I nailed it, she just so happen to be a librarian. Less is more, I hit just the right buttons to chisel down her wall. Next thing I knew she started making out with me. It was an interesting night to say the least.

Side note: Do not reveal your age, I made the mistake of doing that. It set me back slightly but I was able to rebound. 10yrs older than the librarian, that makes some broads cringe. Or you get the big eyes. Just like ILS87 said: Mystery!!

Tease them playfully if you think they are on the introverted side and not so much extro. Rapport and comonalities will put them at ease. Woman enjoyed being gamed but if it starts to feel like an uphill battle then at that point you can't take the hint and find 1 that's more susceptible.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Say something outrageous if she is not really responding. She isn't that intetested anyway.
Why are you at a sit-down boring date anyway? Do something active instead. At least that way you will have something to fill in the gaps.
What is her passion? EVERYBODY has a story that they think is interesting. It could be encounters with a famous person, crazy relative, puppy stories, high school adventures...