Talking to best friends ex girl after he dies

[Pandora]

I have a best friend that recently died. I was recently contacted by his ex fiancee asking if i needed to talk. I felt really uneasy talking to her via email and the phone. It feels wrong. I know how easy it is to bond over stuff like tragedy. Ive heard stories about soldiers coming back and ending up marrying their killed buddies gf. These soldiers had originally bonded because of the grieving process and then they end up getting married.

Anyway i felt kinda bad politely ending of convo after tying up loose ends with her. I have since rejected her friend requests on facebook. Im sure she had innocent intentions but it still feels wrong. What do yall think?

 

[shyguy32]

So maybe she's needing you to help her grieve!

This only escalates if you allow it, but if he was your best friend I'm sure she's looking for quirky stories and things to laugh about that helps her grieve.

I think you're being very selfish in this situation.

 

[oneboy21]

sorry to hear for your loss
Here is something i would do, i would talk to her on the phone and comfort her, no pick up stuff. Help her to relieve her some pain. invite her to friends gathering or something like that. you will become a great friend if you want to. I wouldn't do any PUA stuff there with her.

 

[Juan Don]

you could talk to her as a friend. i think it all comes down to your own morals and what you allow to happen. if it were me i would have done the same thing. good on you.

 

[HalfAddict]

Sorry to sound insensitive, but is she an ex-fiancee because he died? Or were they already split?

 

[Pandora]

Thanks for the replies

 

[Pandora]

So maybe she's needing you to help her grieve!

This only escalates if you allow it, but if he was your best friend I'm sure she's looking for quirky stories and things to laugh about that helps her grieve.

I think you're being very selfish in this situation.

Thats the thing. She has a strong support group already. She is also aware that i am a horndog. But you may be correct, i may be too paranoid about women's motives. But we know that with chicks anything is possible. It could very well be a subconscious effort for her to get with me or maybe not. This happens alot to soldiers wives who have good intention at first but then, it escalates.

sorry to hear for your loss
Here is something i would do, i would talk to her on the phone and comfort her, no pick up stuff. Help her to relieve her some pain. invite her to friends gathering or something like that. you will become a great friend if you want to. I wouldn't do any PUA stuff there with her.

Thanks for the responses. Thats the thing, when you have are decent with this PUA thing you realize all of the slippery slopes. Its difficult to turn off. It becomes sooo difficult after a while to keep it 100% platonic esp when you are sharing personal info. One phone call turns into 2 then 30, then hanging out, then you know what.... Women are generally amoral and guys generally think with their **ck. This is a recipe for disaster.

sorry to sound insensitive, but is she an ex-fiancee because he died? Or were they already split?

had been split for a month before he died. He was clinically depressed so the split kinda made it worse. He blamed her alot.

sorry to hear for your loss Here is something i would do, i would talk to her on the phone and comfort her, no pick up stuff. Help her to relieve her some pain. invite her to friends gathering or something like that. you will become a great friend if you want to. I wouldn't do any PUA stuff there with her.

Yeh i know, ideally this is would be the plan. But i dont know if men and women can ever be totally platonic. Its like playing with fire. Even if you dont consciously do PUA stuff, it just becomes a part of your personality. Ive also noticed that within a friend circle women can be attracted to their bf's friends. And she is well aware my reputation as a guy who tries to game chicks.

 

[sodbuster]

How much do you owe him for how long? Guess thats the question... You respected him[his feelings] while he was alive,don't think you owe him now...unless he saved your life when he died.

 

[SteR]

Personally I'd probably have done the same. Trust your gut. If you feel there's something fishy going on then just walk away.. you'll save yourself a headache.

Besides it's not like you're leaving her to grieve alone.. you said she has a decent friendship group so you're not letting anyone down.

 

[Warrior74]

There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. - Robert A. Heinlein

 

[Buddha_Mind]

She's looking for close male attention...she split with him before he passed..now he passed..her mind is messed up...careful man...dangerous territory, I don't think you're being selfish, I think you're being wise.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Pandora,
Been there done that.....Was it worth it?....Don't know really...initially one needs a lot of patience,all she will want to talk about is the "The Dear Departed"....Patience is indeed a virtue,in situations like this you begin to appreciate that Many Women want a Man for emotional support...Warning it does become a little trying....In my case She broke down in tears at the least provokation,even had me helping her place Flowers and cleaning up the poor Svods resting place...
Some of them will wallow in their grief,In their mind building up the Ex as a Paragon of all virtues...Up to you Mate,but know that if things break down,your name will be Shvit,you will be seen as an Opportunist who let her down after getting what he wanted.

 

[jafyk]

Pandor, first of all I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.
With that said. I believe that those of us who are living are left to attend to the matters of the living. Your friend's time here on earth is done.
In some way I see the situation with the girl as a reset. I don't think there's any moral crime being committed here if you choose to connect with this girl. She is no longer your friend's girl. I guess this is a situation of if you were married and your spouse died should you not move on with your life?
I guess the question should be more what are you afraid of? If it's guilt are you really doing anything wrong? Remember just because something FEELS a certain way doesn't mean that IT IS that way.
If you are really interested in this girl then here's an opportunity. Well, if you aren't interested in her then that's another story. If you want to be her friends and help her grieve too nothing wrong with that. Maybe you are the only piece of your friend who's gone that she has left.

 

[Griever114]

Sorry to hear about your friend but I find it very hard to believe that you can't turn off the PUA mindset. Yes the situations with soldiers/wives etc happens if you LET IT but the question comes, as a person, do you want to help her or see ger as a prospect?

Before any finger pointing, yes, I am a novice in DJ. At this rate Ill be lucky to not die a virgin let alone get married. As I have learned (brutally I may add), understanding a womans mind is like trying to quell a storm or reason with a chainsaw. Similarly, as i have been attempting to get over AFC hangups, this board has been an INVALUABLE tool for helping me and Im sure many others.

I have found these forums, at their core, have helped guys develop themselves moreso than as a PUA. Via NON-validation of the opposite sex and personal growth. However, are we THAT far beyond human decency that we cannot have girls as friends? In the dating I agree with the consensus, LJBF is BS and I would drop that in a second. However, i have good relations with girls i know. Some, dont get me wrong, at the right place amd roght time i would pounce but i know that would F up my life more than a fling.

When my father was abruptly taken from me a few years ago, of the 3 people that kept me from joining him, 2 were women.

Barring that rant, honestly, i like to help people. Thats just my thing, who i am.

If you think this will end up biting you in the behind, do what you need to do.

 

[horaholic]

I'll give a link to my thread of a similar experience:

This happened about a month and a half after her husband died. Before this, I was just her FRIEND, even though she stayed with me a few nights, in my bed, right after it happened. She just didn't want to be alone, and I didn't throw any game whatsoever.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=175871

The situation worked out OK. for me. We went through a short time of not speaking, but that was due to something else entirely. Now, we're friends again.

basically, just be her FRIEND. If it develops into something more, watch your ass, cuz recent widows are not mentally stable, understandingly.

 

[Pandora]

Interesting story horaholic, ur probably lucky it turned out ok in your case. Thanks for all the replies, i read them all. Shes cute but i think im gonna pass on this one.

Personally I'd probably have done the same. Trust your gut. If you feel there's something fishy going on then just walk away.. you'll save yourself a headache.

Besides it's not like you're leaving her to grieve alone.. you said she has a decent friendship group so you're not letting anyone down.

 

[Pandora]

It goes back to that classic question. Is it ok to date a friends ex,...... ever? Im not talkin about the case of death im talking about if they are still alive. Some guys get real touchy about you dating a girl they dated even if they have a new girl. Frankly i dont care if one of my boys dates my ex.