Talking about Ex-boyfriends

[Blues]

I've been dating quite abit after my last relationship.

I dated 2 girls who were rather enthusiastic when it came to talking about their exs.

I wasnt the one that initiated the topic. They volunteered the info without me asking.

They somehow had pics of the ex in their cell phone, showed it to me. Told me what they did, how their relationship was. Nothing explicit. Just surface stuff.

I for one do not talk about my exs at all. If they ask, i keep my answers brief. Don't see the point of walking down memory lane again.

What i would like to know is how do you handle such a situation?

Next them? Tell them nicely not to do it?

 

[Lexington]

It may be a red flag. The fact that these girls are thinking so much about their exes may be a sign that they are not over them. There is nothing worse than dealing with a girl whose mind is still on her ex.

I wouldn't next them just yet. Who knows maybe they just think it's good to be open? Some girls just believe that they should disclose everything. I think the best course of action when they bring up exes is to change the subject. Don't make any comment other than "oh" or "mmm hhh." Then just switch to another topic.

 

[Radharc]

I´ve experienced the "phenomenon" abundantly with some girls, they weren´t still into their exes, actually in some cases when I got to meet them eventually, and after seeing them they were extreme AFC's in some cases, so no threat at all. Tbh i truly dont understand why women do that, but they do and I have so far dismissed it as one of those things that women that dont make any real sense but they just do. Different brain architecture, something like that.
The problem sometimes can be that if you dont shut them up right away, they can bore you to tears, and then you can look pissed when you tell them to shut up or change the subject.
I would also like to hear some ideas from the more experienced guys here on the rationale behind that behaviour?

 

[Blues]

It may be a red flag. The fact that these girls are thinking so much about their exes may be a sign that they are not over them. There is nothing worse than dealing with a girl whose mind is still on her ex.

I wouldn't next them just yet. Who knows maybe they just think it's good to be open? Some girls just believe that they should disclose everything. I think the best course of action when they bring up exes is to change the subject. Don't make any comment other than "oh" or "mmm hhh." Then just switch to another topic.

Thats what i've been thinking as well. If this pattern continues in every one of our dates, then its a big red flag and i'll probably move on. Last thing i want is a chick who is more interested in the past with her exes then me.

 

[vatoloco]

You will always be compared to the last boyfriend. The good ones will do so in their heads, without telling you explicit details.

There is something quite peculiar about women where they loathe you talking about other girls (because they assume you're comparing them to her) but they feel it's okay to talk to you about other men, as innocent conversation.

If they keep pictures and constantly talk about their exes, yeah, it's a huge red flag. They're still not over them and you might just be the rebound guy.

However, some girls will bring up the exes in the hopes that you get the hint(s) of things that they don't want you to do, which the ex used to do. You gotta pay close attention to not only if they say things but, what and how they say it.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

As the wise sage Chris Rock so pointedly observed, "women cannot go back in lifestyle." Once they reach a certain milestone in their way of life, they don't want to go back to a previous way of living.

When a woman dwells on her ex, she's (not so) covertly informing you of the previous standard of living she enjoyed with him. Essentially she's hoping that you get the message that the previous boyfriend(s) set the benchmark for what she expects you to provide. This is the essence of female hypergamy.

Women's primary impulse is toward security. Being recently single, she knows she's in a precarious position transitioning from the lifestyle one man provided her with to another unproven guy's provisioning. So her subconscious kicks in and "asks" the new guy if he's capable of providing her the same or better conditions by making not-so-subtle, nuanced comparisons between her prospective lover and the previous one.

 

[jophil28]

There is something quite peculiar about women where they loathe you talking about other girls (because they assume you're comparing them to her) but they feel it's okay to talk to you about other men, as innocent conversation.

Yes, it appears to be another of their thoughtless double standards.
However, there is method in the madness.
Women frequently talk about their ex's in an abuser/ victim context.
"He bad- me good"... this is to elicit sympathy for her and perpetuate her self belief that she is was faultless, innocent victim to an abusive evil man.
Enter Capt-Save-A Ho....that would be you...and you will be setting yurself up( after the honeymoon period) to be the next "abuser" in her life.

 

[vatoloco]

Yes, it appears to be another of their thoughtless double standards.
However, there is method in the madness.
Women frequently talk about their ex's in an abuser/ victim context.
"He bad- me good"... this is to elicit sympathy for her and perpetuate her self belief that she is was faultless, innocent victim to an abusive evil man.

If a woman tells me "He bad, me good" on her last relationship, my spider sense goes into full alert. I become even more suspicious...

Enter Capt-Save-A Ho....that would be you...and you will be setting yurself up( after the honeymoon period) to be the next "abuser" in her life.

"There are no victims, only volunteers."

 

[SharinganUser]

It's a S.H.I.T. Test. Just don't let it bother you and you should be fine. If you get insecure about it. You fail. If you turn into "Capt-Save-A Ho." You fail.

 

[squirrels]

If all a woman has to talk about is ex-boyfriends, be careful...she could be a "serial dater".

 

[PDubb75]

When she started to show you her phone with the pic, you should have just lightly grabbed her wrist and lowered her arm, look her in the eyes and say "I don't care about your ex-boyfriends" with a slight smile and good tone that infers you want her. Might as well keep your hand on her arm/wrist, as well.

Kino, alpha, eye contact, and if done right.. good sexual undertone. All while putting her in her place.

 

[5string]

I have been down this road.

Just looked at her and said, "is there some point you are trying to make by telling me about your ex's"?

Her.....no answer. She stopped doing it.

 

[bigneil]

edit

 

[betheman]

if your in, or hoping to establish an LTR, its important to listen to her talk of the ex's, it gives you a clue as to what will probably be coming your way one day.

lots of fighting, bitterness, acrimony?? always the guys fault....that one day will be you, red flag!

good memories, no massive drama, accepting that she was at least partly to blame for things...much more acceptable.

 

[jophil28]

if your in, or hoping to establish an LTR, its important to listen to her talk of the ex's, it gives you a clue as to what will probably be coming your way one day.

Probably sooner rather than "one day."

Betheman is right of course.

Women who blab openly about their ex's bad behavior also tend to be dumb enough to believe that their victim stories will be automatically believed if their stories are repeated often enough and contain sufficient jaw-dropping drama to capture the bug-eyed interest of her latest Capt-save-a-ho..

Let the games begin.

 

[Colossus]

I would listen carefully. You can learn a lot from ex talk. Not only the facts she presents but the frequency and affect she has when she talks about them.

 

[Blues]

I would listen carefully. You can learn a lot from ex talk. Not only the facts she presents but the frequency and affect she has when she talks about them.

At what stage does talking about her exs becomes a blatant red flag for me?

The thing is she doesnt make herself out to be the 'victim' when talking about her exes. Its more surface stuff like what they did, what they talked about'

Never so much about what an ass he was for breaking it up or anything along that line.

 

[jophil28]

At what stage does talking about her exs becomes a blatant red flag for me?

It became a red flag just before you typed your thread starter.

 

[Colossus]

At what stage does talking about her exs becomes a blatant red flag for me?

The thing is she doesnt make herself out to be the 'victim' when talking about her exes. Its more surface stuff like what they did, what they talked about'

Never so much about what an ass he was for breaking it up or anything along that line.

Well this is just my opinion but I would say it becomes a red flag when she mentions them more than a couple of times, or dwells on them in conversation. Just use common sense. "Of what the heart is full, the mouth overflows"...

In my experience when a girl has moved on and dealt with her past, AND is really interested in you, she isnt going to mention her exes except for the briefest of moments, or when you ask her about it. My current gf was married a few years ago, and she has answered every question I've asked her, but she never dwells on it, nor does she spontaneously talk about things they did, etc. Frankly I dont like to hear about it, but I have to ask the hard questions so I know what I'm dealing with.

 

[ELMER_GANTRY]

Any chick that has pics and still talks about their ex in a good way are not over them. They either both agreed mutually to end things (most likely) or he dumped her and she is still not over him. That should raise a red flag and esp if she is showing you pictures. I wouldn't let a girl go in a big convo or show me pics of an ex. I would just say an "ex is an ex" and let it go and move on to another topic. She could be trying to get a reaction out of you but any girl that has pics stilll has a thing for him or are just recently broken up. You don't want to be the rebound guy. Here is an example from my experience. Met a HB 8 girl last September after Labor Day and she just broke up with her bf but told me that they were still "good friends" and they still talked to each other when she "needed to talk to him" still had pics of them on FB and myspace. I thought that was strange and the way she talked of him I thought "why isnt she still with this guy?" It didnt matter to me because I had 3 or 4 other girls i had in rotation and just wanted to bang her now and then. We started hooking up really soon after we met, maybe 3 or 4 days after I think it was. We did that till November and I went away for about a week for Thanksgiving. Talked to her once during the time I was gone and during that time she started talking to her ex again. We hung out after I got back. she told me she was back with her ex. we still had sex that night for one last time, so basically she already cheated on him when I came back but she ended things after that. Found out a month ago that they both are engaged to be married. She just turned 23. It doesnt bother me that much because I have other options, but sucks because she was good in the sack and for the couple of months was a lot of fun. If she was my only girl then it really prob would of sucked. the point of this was she still talked about her ex and was "friends" with him and now are going to get married. so any girl that talks about an ex I wouldn't invest too much in except for a few hook ups if you can get them.