Taking it slow from ******** to English

[ASlowTaker]

Hello all,

I registered just for this, so I hope you'll read my story and don't make too much fun of me. Do give it to me straight in the end, though. I can take it.

I'm a former nice guy. Like, really nice. "Have sex, I'll watch from the sidelines and listen to your emotions afterwards" -nice. Then I got burned horribly, and I changed my game. I'm still not an *******, but I have balls and a spine. And I feel great and confident as hell about myself, and I'm not afraid to say it out loud. And it shows: I'm basically surrounded by women. All's well, right?

Here's where my downfall begins: I'm not only looking for sex. To me, sex is something you do with the person you love or for fun occasionally, but I'm not looking for women just for sex (most overrated thing in the world). I'd rather have a woman with whom I can just chill, you know. With whom to be in love and chill, and have sex of course too but that's not the point.

So me and she, who's giving me a headache, met two years ago, when we started studying at the same university. We didn't talk much until just about a year ago, when I became good friend with her best friend (also an attractive woman, who I think has feelings for me), and then with another good friend of hers and so on. Now, we're a group of four who love to hang out, talk about sex and whatnot. All the while, I've been flirting with her, but it took me for close to 10 months after we became friends to ask her out. She said no, because she didn't have the time.

"Fine", I though. She's not interested, time to move on. And I did, until last weekend. We were at a common friend's summer cabin, the four of us + two guys and one more gal, and it was just fun times, until the last night. You see, three people left during the last day, so it was just me, her and the couple who owned the cabin. The couple went to sleep early, and we just kept drinking and talking from evening to late night, which is when **** really went down.

I asked her why she turned me down. She said she didn't, and it really was because she was busy. I asked if she would turn me down if I were to ask her again, and she said "No", and continued with "I've been thinking about you A LOT for a long time now", and proceeded to describe her actions after I asked her out, which according to her were the actions of a little girl in love and even told me that she had told her friends (in other countries that there was this guy back home..)

So we kept talking, about sad things, good things and lastly, sex and the size of my junk (don't ask...), but we didn't sleep together. The exact words she used were "Let's just take it slow" and I agreed; What's the hurry, right? Plus we were drunk as hell, and I'm not one to bed drunk women. We slept in the same room, but not in the same bed, and the next morning she seemed to really be in love. Like, no holds barred in love. Or that's how I read it, and I was happy (but hung over as hell, and because of that, somewhat grumpy).

So we traveled back home, and agreed to call once we've gotten over our respective hungovers. We came back on sunday, and I called her a few hours ago (too early, I know, but I'm leaving the town until next monday, and I'd really like to verify if it was just the booze talking or..) if she'd like to have coffee tomorrow before I'm leaving town.

"I don't think I can make it, my early shift at work has been moved and I'm working from 9AM to 6PM and I have a massage appointment after that.. We're not in that kind of a hurry, are we?".

F*** me with a rake.

After I finished wanting to kill all women on the planet while beating the face of my trusted sandbag in, I started to think. Last time I asked her out, she also had a massage appointment. She DOES go to a massager regularly, and it's completely plausible that her work schedule has been changed but... What bothers me is she didn't give me a counter offer; same thing as last time.

I ask of you, masters, to give it to me straight. Am I being treated like a complete idiot AGAIN, or am I just unlucky as hell when it comes to my timing to ask her out?

I really REALLY like her, but I'm not looking to get burned again, so I'm perfectly capable of walking out if necessary. I already made the decision that I'm not going to ask her out again, so the ball's on her court in any case, and if she doesn't ask me out then we at least know she was just letting me down easy.

Which means I dodged a bullet, since I told her VERY DIRECTLY that if she's not interested she needs to say it to me and not beat around the bush; she told me she was in fact interested, and I believed her since I believe she's not the type to lie.

I pardon the long story, but this is very important for my mental health. Well not really, I'm perfectly happy being just by myself (believe me when I say this, needy is the one thing I'm absolutely NOT), but I do believe I could be even happier with her, if she really is what I think she is.

Thank you dearly for one and all tips, tricks and pieces of advice.

[Edit:] One more important thing about her: She has a very low self confidence, and she's putting herself down constantly (daddy issues), whereas I have a very high self confidence, and I keep myself the biggest pedestal you've ever seen. Can this have an effect on things?

 

[Mike32ct]

Her interest level is low. She made no effort to try to work around her schedule to meet you.

Read the signature quotes of runner83.

Don't ask her out again. You can still be friendly if she's part of your social circle. But, honestly, I don't see anything happening or her suggesting a date.

In her mind, she isn't TECHNICALLY lying because she has some interest, but it's low. Unfortunately, you are a low priority to her. Time to move on. I'm sorry man.

 

[ASlowTaker]

Thanks for the honesty man, I figured it was probably going to be something along the lines of that. Guess moving along is the best thing to do, considering long term.

Just sucks every time it happens.

One more thing though: What if I were to confront her directly on this matter? Like I said, I'm not asking her out again, but what if, the next time we're alone together, I were to tell her that I understand her IL is low and that she doesn't have to pretend and can tell it to me honestly to my face? I would really like to hear it from her before I throw in the towel, considering she really is a gem (personality wise and appereance-wise).

I know IL is hard to bump up once it's gone down (I've read the material, and even though I don't agree with all of it a lot of it makes sense), but it'd be less about trying to impress her and more about me proving to myself that I'm not the nice guy that runs after women that give me the cold shoulder; And should she be impressed by this, then more power to me, no?

I really hope this isn't me reverting back to my old self..

 

[Mike32ct]

I mean if you really want to talk to her about it, you can. If you need to do so for closure, I totally understand. But I want to stress two things:

1. Her feelings are not negotiable. Rollo said it best, "You cannot negotiate desire."

2. I don't think you'll get a straight answer from her. "But I AM very interested. I'm just busy with school, work, my cat's vet appointment, and my Honda needs new brakes. But SOMETIME after that, we can go out. We just need to take it super sloow. But in the meantime, I'm thinking of you."

 

[ASlowTaker]

Okay somehow that sounds scary because it might really be what's going to happen.

Closure is what I seek, so confronting her directly might be the best thing to do (considering my own personality). If she doesn't give me a straight answer I figured I'd just tell her that if there's a spot on her busy schedule she should give me a call. But I'm not going to always be available/on the market..

Well at least I've grown a bit, I can say that much. The girl that burned me and turned me from a nice guy to a... well, man, once told me that her big brother and his girlfriend had been friends for seven years before they got together, hinting that the same thing might happen to us. And I was freakin' happy to hear that, back then.

Now, I've given her the cold shoulder for the past three years, despite countless efforts from her to get together, and boy does it feel good.

[Edit:] F*** it, I'm going out for a drink. I already feel a lot better, knowing that it wasn't nearly as bad as it was last time around. Thanks again mate.

 

[yuppaz]

Dude, she called you two a "We". TO her you two are an item, but she couldn't make the time you mentioned. You say you are on your own pedestal, but you are taking the rejection of the time you mentioned as some kind of MAJOR personal affront...that's silly. Maybe she's just busy that day.

Also girls with daddy issues are not exactly the best girls in the world. She was probably dissapointed you didn't **** her silly in the cabin. Why exactly do you have a moral objection to sleeping with a girl who (says) is in love with you again? It must be a religious thing or something. Next time you are in town, just call her up and tell her you want to get together and ask her when she is free. I normally wouldn't do that, but in this case, if she's really that into you she will give you a good time to chill, take it from there. Also start getting a little more aggressive sexually. She was asking you about the size of your c@ck and you didn't even sleep in the same bed together..... remember that women are subtle, they don't blatantly say "f&ck me NOW" to someone new...but that was about as close as you were ever gonna get. Start being ok with sex dude it's normal and natural and they want to have it.....maybe even with you

 

[ASlowTaker]

Haha thanks for the different view. I don't have a problem with sex, but to me it's more like a bonus than a purpose. But you are right, I'll have to be more aggressive in the future. And I wasn't personally insulted or anything, but I'm just not going to run after women like a lapdog any longer. If she's not interested, fine, I just wish I didn't have to search the internet for translations and clues as to whether she is or not, especially after I asked her directly.

Here's the thing, however: The low IL theory is still very much plausible and the most logical and simple answer, but last night, when I was sitting down at my usual corner table, having a few beers and thinking about this whole situation, I came up with another theory that suggests the exact opposite from lo IL.

I know what this looks like: "Oh boy, now this guy is trying to convince himself that there's a chance still by coming up with theories and twisting things to fit his view", but it's not that. In fact, even if my theory is correct, I'm still going to act the same way: Start getting over her now, and just be myself around her, and see what happens.

But while the low IL was a perfectly logical explanation, I still had my doubts. I just didn't sound right, somehow, and I gave it a good thinking yesterday, and the reason I went after this woman in the first place is because she showed clear signs of high IL. If she appeared to be uninterested I would have continued just being friends, but I was certain that there was more to it than just friendship. Sparks, you know. It strikes me as odd that she'd suddenly brush me aside; Not impossible, no, but it's impossible for me to tell you guys all the details and such regarding this situation that make me think it's not because she's not interested.

Like I said, she has problems with her confidence. A lot of them. When I told her I still wanted to go out with her last saturday, I clearly remember her saying "We'll just see when I manage to screw this up", among other things that, to me, hint that she's afraid. Afraid to be alone with me, because she might do something to chase me away, and screw up her chances.

This really is the theory that would fit the situation better, but like I said even if someone thinks this is plausible I won't change my approach. I will keep being me, and we'll see where that takes me.

I do bow and thank you both for your advice. She's a rare gem (and I say this after being friends for close to a year, so it's everything but superficial).

 

[nismo-4]

Judge nismo has reviewed your case.

Quite long, but I read it all. Damn.

AFAIC she's just not that into you. For your own good, you need to move on. Move forward. Understand that resurrecting the dead isn't worth it. She doesn't want you and has no desire for you beyond a reasonable doubt, and this fact will be told to you ad nauseum. It takes TWO to Tango, and one is a lonely number. BTW, She doesn't want to hurt your feelings, yet she's dropping hints that she is not interested in you. She doesn't know how your ego will take that kind of pain. She's hoping you'll get the hint. Every bit as much as me right now.

Thank you ASlowTaker! But your princess is in another castle!

Case closed. Let this one go and move on.

 

[ASlowTaker]

Damn, hearing that still stings man! Thanks for the honesty anyway, I think I'll live to suffer another day haha Just out of curiosity, though: Did you also read my subsequent posts (a total combined of ten essays worth of babbling), or just the first one? I'd really like to hear your opinions on my own theory regarding the situation, even though agreeing/disagreeing won't change the way I will act towards her.

It's all up to her now, I've already started moving on and already have moved past the worst stages. Plus I'm off to a drinking binge with my best friends (who live in another town) and possibly to a relaxing week at our summer cabin after that.

As far as I know there's no better way to move on

BTW, an interesting turn of events (sort of): After I posted on facebook that I was going for a couple of beers last night and had already come home, the woman with whom I became friends before I really got to know this gem I've been going on about, who is entirely different from said gem but still a VERY attractive woman on her own right, called me up last night and asked me out right there and then -- sort of. I'm not sure if it was a romantic gesture or just as friends, but nonetheless that another castle might not be that far away... All I know is, the rest of the summer is going to be one hell of a rollercoaster -- and that's the way it's supposed to be. Life would be dull as hell if I just won at everything without even trying.

Have a fantastic day all. Ten hours from now I won't hopefully even remember the heartaches of today!