Cloud-uk
Master Don Juan
Preface:
Hello all, hope you managed a few of the challenges last week, they were big expencive ones! Still, that weights stuff is good ****. Though this carb shake is not, eugh... this is actually offencively revolting
. Anyway, this week is bathroom skills, and a side note on getting a big ****.
The whole issue of male grooming is a fairly old development in the history of blokes. Guys have been putting make up on in one form or another for thousands of years. And wigs. Of course, doesn't stop any of us (least of all me) laughing at guys who cross the line of acceptability. You know what I'm talking about, guys who straghten their hair, and goths, mostly goths.
Regardless, my point is that guys fancy girls because of the way they look, girls fancy guys because of the way guys make them feel. Therefore you only need to look passable and have a sexy ego thing going on to be sexy. YOU ARE NOT A GIRL. Getting rid of the mono-brow is a yes, wearing blusher is a nono. You can make yourself look very pretty, with a huge ****, but if you don't sort out your mack, you'll just be an off balanced sissy-boy to me, and everyone else.
Week II:
Bathroom 101
From top to bottom we are going to try to sort out any external aesthetic problems (ugly bits) you might have. And so it begins...
HAIR:
Before you get stylish, first you have to make it swish. The first thing to sort out is the scalp. If you have dandruff get special shampoo, head lotion, throw everything you can at it to get rid of it! I suggest T-gel, it's pricey but it works.
The next item is the hair itself. A Barber will give great info on this, but the general rule is you don't want it frizzy and you don't want it greasy. What can i say? Condition that *****, and wash it more. The final basic hurdle of hair is optional. If your hair is especially unruly, you might want to concider getting it chemicaly or physically straightened. My advice? Go for a surfer look, straightening is money that could be better spent on whey protein & beer.
Now your hair is manageable, and not a greasy flakey icky mess, you can style it. If your hair is long, you can just comb it back or do whatever you hippies do. If you have short hair you will need some sort of gel. My advice? Any sort of opaque "fiborous putty" job is best. Gel makes you shiny and hard, wax makes you feel like you have jizz in your hair. This putty stuff (Fructus: surf hair for example...) is great for groomed and messy looks.
My two big timeless rules about hair style are A) Go with your hair. If you have a natural bowl haircut, not cool, like me, it's really a tussled, sexy, just out of bed fringe trying to get out! If you have curly, messy hair anyway, go for the all over surf look. if you have a bit of hair that sticks out at a funny angle, turn it into a style statement. Be bold, don't just go for a tintin quiff. B) Definition is sweet. You want your hair to be ordered. "Surf hair" takes just as much work as "groomed hair", and messy hair isn't a mess. But you don't want a cemented helmet-o-hair, so the trick is to use a small amount of putty, get your hair how you want it, and leave it- don't fiddle! You might also want to get bleached highlights put it to define things more.
EYES:
Two items here, your brows and your lids. No, if you have funny eye balls I really can't help you.
Eyebrows, if they look okay LEAVE THEM THE **** ALONE!. You can go bald, accidentally cut your **** off, lose an arm, but nothing will hamper your sex appeal like messing up your eyebrows! If they are like huge black slugs squatting on your face, grow your head hair to compensate! Eyebrows are hassle.
Only act if you have a monobrow, you go for a buzzcut/skin head and have very busy eyebrows, or if the little buggers start to take over your face. If one of the above applies- pluck. Get a great pair of tweezers (I reccomend the ones that come with swiss army knives) a magnifying mirror, and antiseptic wipes. The trick is to make sure both eyebrows are even. Oh and use the wipes to close up the pores. Oh and do it after a shower to loosen up the pores in the first place. I cannot stress enough that once you start plucking, the hair will start it grow faster and thicker, and you will have to pluck for ever. Don't do it on a whim, or when drunk.
Only other bit of the eyes is the bags. Yes, huge black shadows under your eyes aren't sexy. How to sort it out? Sleep more, computer and tv less. Simple as that- 8 hours deep sleep a night, and you are sorted.
EARS:
Easy one this, just use cotton buds to clean them out, but don't stick them down the ear canal. If your ears are just plain skank, get them syringed.
NOSE:
Ok, I have a question. I have blackheads, but only visable on my nose. I am yet to find a way to get rid of them. Any help would be great!
Besides that, there is two points here: congestion and hair.
Hair just needs to be trimmed if it gets bad, get a nasal hair trimmer or use scissors (carefully.). Not strictly a bathroom thing, but if you have a constant cold or blocked/runny nose, see a doctor. It's a *****, but it's often due to very minor lactose intolerance (so just lower the milk and chocolate intake), and you'll grow out of it, and exercise will help.
FACIAL SKIN:
Oh the joys of teenage skin! It happens to everyone, but the best advice about skin care is that if it gets bad see a doctor. This is 2004, you don't have to live with acne. Just do what he says and follow the prescription.
The reason that this is the best advice is because anything less than clinical acne is trivial. A single spot can be removed with cream or by squeasing (it works if you use cotton buds/q-tips, get it ALL OUT, and put on anti-septic after, though you will have a red mark for a good long while). Red spots are nothing to get in a fit over, and if they come to a head they're easy enough to get get rid of. Remember- YOU'LL GROW OUT OF ALL THIS ****!
What is far more important is your overall skin quality. Having greasy, shiney skin is no fun, neither is having cracked, peeling skin. My number one tip is to avoid covering your face in 101 different products. If you have greasy skin, get some face wash, and use it 2/3 times a day. If your skin is dry, moisturise. Don't slap stuff on for the hell of it, apply just to the parts affected.
FACIAL HAIR:
Shaving, this is what guys get for not having periods. Two basic tips to start with. Shave regularly, and don't cut yourself. Shave everyday, it promotes hair growth so if you want a beard some time you can, and it's just good practice. Avoid cutting yourself by not moving the blades sideways across your face, and going very gently/avoiding spots and other facial obsticals. Wet or dry? Well, I find wet gets closer and doesn't irritate as much, but it takes longer, your choice!
You may get shaving burn, especially around your neck. There are hundreds of shaving lotions on the market, and they help.
If you are feeling adventurous, sure, cultivate some facial fungus. You might want a slightly rough stubble look, or a little tash and goatee. Whetever you do, remember that no matter how cool you think you look, you will turn round a few years later and laugh at yourself. Word up. Indeed.
MOUTH:
Three items here- lips, teeth, and breath.
To get rid of dry lips, use lip balm. Simple, and don't bite bits off. Actually, good advice for life that, don't bite bits off yourself. Remember that.
Teeth need brushing, as well you know. Get an electric tooth brush, and if they're a sexy shade of yellow, get some fancy whitening tooth paste. What about whiteing kits? Yes, they work, very well. I endorse! Just follow the instructions, and use whitening toothpaste to maintain them.
If you have missing teeth, or they're as straight as George Michael, get it sorted by an orthedentist. Nothing you really have to do, other than put up with the brace, and SO WORTH IT.
Bad breath is a killer. However, mouthwash, tongue scrapers, chewing gum and not eating poo will sort it out. If you do all the above (that's not eat poo) and you still have bad breath, go to the doctor, might be something wrong.
Cont. .....
Hello all, hope you managed a few of the challenges last week, they were big expencive ones! Still, that weights stuff is good ****. Though this carb shake is not, eugh... this is actually offencively revolting
. Anyway, this week is bathroom skills, and a side note on getting a big ****.The whole issue of male grooming is a fairly old development in the history of blokes. Guys have been putting make up on in one form or another for thousands of years. And wigs. Of course, doesn't stop any of us (least of all me) laughing at guys who cross the line of acceptability. You know what I'm talking about, guys who straghten their hair, and goths, mostly goths.
Regardless, my point is that guys fancy girls because of the way they look, girls fancy guys because of the way guys make them feel. Therefore you only need to look passable and have a sexy ego thing going on to be sexy. YOU ARE NOT A GIRL. Getting rid of the mono-brow is a yes, wearing blusher is a nono. You can make yourself look very pretty, with a huge ****, but if you don't sort out your mack, you'll just be an off balanced sissy-boy to me, and everyone else.
Week II:
Bathroom 101
From top to bottom we are going to try to sort out any external aesthetic problems (ugly bits) you might have. And so it begins...
HAIR: Before you get stylish, first you have to make it swish. The first thing to sort out is the scalp. If you have dandruff get special shampoo, head lotion, throw everything you can at it to get rid of it! I suggest T-gel, it's pricey but it works.
The next item is the hair itself. A Barber will give great info on this, but the general rule is you don't want it frizzy and you don't want it greasy. What can i say? Condition that *****, and wash it more. The final basic hurdle of hair is optional. If your hair is especially unruly, you might want to concider getting it chemicaly or physically straightened. My advice? Go for a surfer look, straightening is money that could be better spent on whey protein & beer.
Now your hair is manageable, and not a greasy flakey icky mess, you can style it. If your hair is long, you can just comb it back or do whatever you hippies do
. If you have short hair you will need some sort of gel. My advice? Any sort of opaque "fiborous putty" job is best. Gel makes you shiny and hard, wax makes you feel like you have jizz in your hair. This putty stuff (Fructus: surf hair for example...) is great for groomed and messy looks.My two big timeless rules about hair style are A) Go with your hair. If you have a natural bowl haircut, not cool, like me, it's really a tussled, sexy, just out of bed fringe trying to get out! If you have curly, messy hair anyway, go for the all over surf look. if you have a bit of hair that sticks out at a funny angle, turn it into a style statement. Be bold, don't just go for a tintin quiff. B) Definition is sweet. You want your hair to be ordered. "Surf hair" takes just as much work as "groomed hair", and messy hair isn't a mess. But you don't want a cemented helmet-o-hair, so the trick is to use a small amount of putty, get your hair how you want it, and leave it- don't fiddle! You might also want to get bleached highlights put it to define things more.
EYES:Two items here, your brows and your lids. No, if you have funny eye balls I really can't help you.
Eyebrows, if they look okay LEAVE THEM THE **** ALONE!. You can go bald, accidentally cut your **** off, lose an arm, but nothing will hamper your sex appeal like messing up your eyebrows! If they are like huge black slugs squatting on your face, grow your head hair to compensate! Eyebrows are hassle.
Only act if you have a monobrow, you go for a buzzcut/skin head and have very busy eyebrows, or if the little buggers start to take over your face. If one of the above applies- pluck. Get a great pair of tweezers (I reccomend the ones that come with swiss army knives) a magnifying mirror, and antiseptic wipes. The trick is to make sure both eyebrows are even. Oh and use the wipes to close up the pores. Oh and do it after a shower to loosen up the pores in the first place. I cannot stress enough that once you start plucking, the hair will start it grow faster and thicker, and you will have to pluck for ever. Don't do it on a whim, or when drunk.
Only other bit of the eyes is the bags. Yes, huge black shadows under your eyes aren't sexy. How to sort it out? Sleep more, computer and tv less. Simple as that- 8 hours deep sleep a night, and you are sorted.
EARS:Easy one this, just use cotton buds to clean them out, but don't stick them down the ear canal. If your ears are just plain skank, get them syringed.
NOSE:Ok, I have a question. I have blackheads, but only visable on my nose. I am yet to find a way to get rid of them. Any help would be great!
Besides that, there is two points here: congestion and hair.
Hair just needs to be trimmed if it gets bad, get a nasal hair trimmer or use scissors (carefully.). Not strictly a bathroom thing, but if you have a constant cold or blocked/runny nose, see a doctor. It's a *****, but it's often due to very minor lactose intolerance (so just lower the milk and chocolate intake), and you'll grow out of it, and exercise will help.
FACIAL SKIN:Oh the joys of teenage skin! It happens to everyone, but the best advice about skin care is that if it gets bad see a doctor. This is 2004, you don't have to live with acne. Just do what he says and follow the prescription.
The reason that this is the best advice is because anything less than clinical acne is trivial. A single spot can be removed with cream or by squeasing (it works if you use cotton buds/q-tips, get it ALL OUT, and put on anti-septic after, though you will have a red mark for a good long while). Red spots are nothing to get in a fit over, and if they come to a head they're easy enough to get get rid of. Remember- YOU'LL GROW OUT OF ALL THIS ****!
What is far more important is your overall skin quality. Having greasy, shiney skin is no fun, neither is having cracked, peeling skin. My number one tip is to avoid covering your face in 101 different products. If you have greasy skin, get some face wash, and use it 2/3 times a day. If your skin is dry, moisturise. Don't slap stuff on for the hell of it, apply just to the parts affected.
FACIAL HAIR:Shaving, this is what guys get for not having periods. Two basic tips to start with. Shave regularly, and don't cut yourself. Shave everyday, it promotes hair growth so if you want a beard some time you can, and it's just good practice. Avoid cutting yourself by not moving the blades sideways across your face, and going very gently/avoiding spots and other facial obsticals. Wet or dry? Well, I find wet gets closer and doesn't irritate as much, but it takes longer, your choice!
You may get shaving burn, especially around your neck. There are hundreds of shaving lotions on the market, and they help.
If you are feeling adventurous, sure, cultivate some facial fungus. You might want a slightly rough stubble look, or a little tash and goatee. Whetever you do, remember that no matter how cool you think you look, you will turn round a few years later and laugh at yourself. Word up. Indeed.
MOUTH:Three items here- lips, teeth, and breath.
To get rid of dry lips, use lip balm. Simple, and don't bite bits off. Actually, good advice for life that, don't bite bits off yourself. Remember that.
Teeth need brushing, as well you know. Get an electric tooth brush, and if they're a sexy shade of yellow, get some fancy whitening tooth paste. What about whiteing kits? Yes, they work, very well. I endorse! Just follow the instructions, and use whitening toothpaste to maintain them.
If you have missing teeth, or they're as straight as George Michael, get it sorted by an orthedentist. Nothing you really have to do, other than put up with the brace, and SO WORTH IT.
Bad breath is a killer. However, mouthwash, tongue scrapers, chewing gum and not eating poo will sort it out. If you do all the above (that's not eat poo) and you still have bad breath, go to the doctor, might be something wrong.
Cont. .....
