Suggestions on Rejecting a Guy Nicely...

[tamales]

I had a blind date with this guy last night. We had been talking on the phone and got along great but unfortunately, there was zippo chemistry and the fact that when he came to my door he was smacking on a piece of gum was not to appealing. I was really bummed!

He is friends of a friend, very very shy. He took me to a really nice dinner for our date and well, I just feel crummy. He called already this morning. It's only 9:30 and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I would like to remain friends. Or not? Any suggestions on what to say.

Also, my former DJ is now acting like a boyfriend.( This by the way had nothing to do with me not being into blind date man, I am also dating another guy that I do like a lot and having fun...but this is sudden all of a sudden I am hearing from dj man)

I saw him for the first time last night. After dinner! Gosh I feel like a slut. LOL. Get this, he showed up at my apt. with flowers and no we didn't do the deed. He barely missed my date dropping me off. We went out for drinks. My door man got a real chuckle. It was great to see him again. God I have missed him but I haven't missed the lousy treatment and well, just can't do that. We talked and talked and we'll see. I am also dating someone else and just having fun.

I am not sure about him either. I mean there is sooooo much chemistry b/w us. Someone on here said to open up and communicate with him so we'll see. He has certainly, tried. Today is a very special occasion for me and he remembered. Not like him at all????? Laugh if you want but things have sort of changed for me. I mean sure we can see but I can't tolerate not being respected by any man any more. Losing yourself and worth is a horrible feeling. And I do believe that everyone comes into your life to teach you a lesson. ANd the funniest part is how every guy I meet tends to know him and our friends. We run in the same circles and turns out he had a fling with my x's gf.. We both laugh at the oddity of it all. Oh, and he and my ex have the same birthday.. So many strange things happening lately. Dododo dodododo dodo..... there is a reason but I don't have the answers yet. In time.

Other than that working my arse off and trying to date as much as possible. Not sleep around mind you but date. Okay so I caved and so him but for the first time in a while it was a real date and it was fun. He beat my ass in pool. Love a man who can get the balls in the pocket every time

If there is one thing I have learned at all, never put your eggs in one basket. Men can sense it and it makes them less interested. Also I need not to worry so much about what others think, what he thinks, and stop obessing about things and trying to control and make things happen. Just let it be and live mylife and be happy. The less you do or worry the better and you don't need to have all the answers. YOu miss out on a lot of fun when you waste your time worrying....


So that's about all. Any input on what to say when Mr. Blind Date calls would be helpful. I am not trying to be ****y or anything.He is a very nice guy just not my type. He is very skinny. Very built arms and all but just slight. Maybe I could give him another chance but I think that would be rather selfish. My friends all say get to know a man better before ditching him and that some of the best relationships grow over time and start off as friends. I have never gone that route and look at the trouble I have gotten myself into Still, I think there needs to be an attraction at first. Not just sexual but it has to be there for it to really last. They say tho... that the chemistry lasts from 6 mo. to 4 years when based on infatuaution and desire not real love. Who is they I wonder. That means, I have three years to go... LOL!

If it aint there it ain't there. But no atter. He should have girls at his feet. He is a very successful doctor in the ER. Imagine, saving lives all die long or at least trying to. How amazing is that.

Thanks and have a great weekend.

Tamales

 

[Oscar Wilde]

How about what you said -- "You're a great guy but I just didn't feel any chemistry between us" and LJBF. Then point him on here

Oscar.

 

[The Real Deal]

Hey here's a thought. Try be honest with him.

" there was zippo chemistry "

" He is a very nice guy just not my type. "

 

[Eyecandie4ya]

You should be honest informing him that you enjoyed the dinner but you are not interested in him. If he states that he wants to be friends, DO NOT ALLOW IT!

Too many females put guys on the backburner so that they know someone wants to be with them/ take them out so they won't be lonely.

Don't be like them and drag this man through the mud with false hopes. We already have enough of that.

 

[SLIKKER_THAN_AVG]

Tamales, i think you have written off that Doctor already, IMO. At least it sounds like you have.

Your former DJ's got some skills if your still smitten with him

 

[bp1974]

The best way to avoid hurting his feelings is to tell him straight, politely. He'll respect you more for it, and he'll accept it graciously, I guarantee. When he calls, say something like:

"I had a really nice time with you last night, but I don't think it's going to develop into anything more. Thanks for meeting me though, and all the best in the future."

Don't try and soften it by telling him he's a nice guy, or that he'd make some girl a wonderful boyfriend, because he won't want to hear that. That's like saying "Now that I've rejected you, I'm going to say some nice stuff to make you feel better.", and he will naturally resent it.

I have given this advice to girls I know, and they have ALWAYS thanked me for it afterwards. I'm always astonished at how surprised they are when the guy says "Thanks for being straight with me, see you around."

I'm not giving you this advice because I think you 'owe' him anything or that you should treat him 'nicely'. I don't. It's just the quickest, most adult way to turn someone down, that's all.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

bp1974: good call.

 

[tamales]

Thanks BP. I 'll do that as I totally agree about the nice crap. I had that done to me and afterwards I felt very insulted.

 

[ulsterman]

I suppose if there's absolutely no chance of you ever fancying this poor guy, he really has to find this out. The only thing is, many men do not take no for an answer and can all too readily become infatuated with a woman who has rejected them AFTER a date, since a date, unless utterly disastrous, tends to inspire some measure of hope. Shy men, I believe, are very vulnerable to this.

It's interesting reading about this. I used to be so shy with women I was almost retarded in their presence; girls who rejected me in my inexperienced past would not recognise me now. But no, I will resist the temptation to urge you to tell him to try again with you in a few years time, lol. Also, it's a pity present circumstances would perhaps make it awkward for you to directly, or by proxy, point him in the direction of this site...

Well assuming he has no clue about DJism, ********, etc., I suppose the kindest thing you can do is explicitly tell him you simply do not find him attractive and never will, but only if that is TRULY how you feel. Of course, he probably would perceive he has no chance at the present once you use the dreaded "f" word, but nevertheless, saying you want to remain friends with him may give him some baseless hope of winning you over in the long-term. Then again, can you exclude the possibility that you might find him more desirable in the future? It happens, you know:

"In saying she'd ne'er consent, consented..."

One final point. PLEASE TRY TO DESCRIBE AS ACCURATELY AS POSSIBLE WHY YOU DO NOT FIND THIS GUY ATTRACTIVE, as this fascinates me!

PS - Oscar's reply is so succinct in comparison to my verbosity... I must learn how to be more brief!

 

[dionysius_d]

bp is on the money.

 

[Player_Supreme]

Let this be a lesson to those who still insist on being a nice guy...

Holding Out for a Hero
Women, even the most independent of heterosexual women, tend
to respond very, very powerfully to a primitive archetype: the powerful man. When women get involved with men they don’t view as “powerful”— when they date “nice guys” and “good providers,” it’s often because they’ve been hurt by guys they’ve found more exciting. And that fantasy of the powerful, exciting man is almost always latent, and therefore something you can tap into.

Mr. Powerful is the guy you find in romance novels. Of course, in
romance novels he’s always rich and handsome, tall of stature, deep of
voice, and broad of shoulder, but those, for our purposes, aren’t his most important attributes. The important attributes are products of belief and behavior, and therefore, things you can adopt and demonstrate, in a way that excites the women you meet.

What are the attributes of the powerful man?

First, independence.
The hero doesn’t need her. Moreover, he frequently rejects her in subtle ways. He often leans away from her and moves away from her, out of arm’s reach. His body language, facial expression, and vocal tone frequently deliver nonverbal messages of “I don’t need you; you need me” or “You’re not important” or “You’re not good enough” or “You’re disappointing me.”

Second, the hero has plans and objectives, a path he’s chosen for
himself. These things don’t center around her. As far as the hero is
concerned, she can stay or go. Whatever she does or thinks or feels won’t sway him from his path. If she’s really, really lucky—if she proves again and again how worthy she is—maybe he will let her have a place in his life.But she will never be the center of his life.

Third, the hero is determined. The hero knows what he’s doing,
knows where he’s going, and goes after what he wants until he gets it.
Nothing sways him, and he doesn’t ***** or whine about mistakes or errors.
Make it absolutely clear that your aims are the only things that really matterto you.

Fourth, the hero is greater and more special than she is—he
doesn’t put her on a pedestal; instead, he occasionally lifts her up to his pedestal, and usually just allows her to fantasize him doing it. The rule is this: He must always demonstrate that he regards himself and his aims as more important than her aims and her needs. While women love intimacy,when it comes to love, they usually want intimacy with someone they see as greater, rather than someone they see as a mere equal.

Fifth, he challenges her. In practice, this sometimes means
undermining her confidence--and as we’ve mentioned, when you do this,
when you subtly or not so subtly reject or downgrade her, she’ll often find it stimulating and energizing. Use the following formulas: “Too bad you aren’t/don’t X” and “If only you were/could X”.

When you challenge her or criticize her, she’ll often become
motivated to prove her worthiness. You should occasionally point out her shortcomings, and most importantly, contemptuously point out her behavior when she tries to play games.

You can also be challenging by being a) volcanic and/or b) remote.
To achieve the effect of Amorous Vulcanism, you should raise your voice, make melodramatic physical gestures, be impatient, smolder, glower.

Occasionally act very angry. Your intensity will reinforce her sense that, in being with you, she’s part of something exciting.

To be remote, use silence a great deal. Silence, in combination with
eye contact, is very powerful. After you deliver a script, make eye contact and hold it silently—this will usually encourage her to process what you’ve said even more thoroughly. Also, don’t talk about yourself very much, except in relation to your plans and your objectives.

Your silence lets her project her romantic fantasies all the more thoroughly. Don’t talk about your doubts or errors. Silence can have the cruel but useful effect of heightening her anxieties. And in worrying about whether she’s about to lose you, she sees your value grow. And in seeing your value grow, she feels prouder of the relationship and more fulfilled.

Perhaps the best approach is to alternate Angry Intensity with Cold
Inaccessibility. These behaviors, of course, are the sticks—the carrots, which should form the basis of your relationship, are the good feelings you create through regular verbal stimulation. As much as possible, say only things that will induce strong states in her—induce strong positive feelings, negative feelings, positive feelings—and not much else.

Pump up her emotions, and then give her lots of silence. Ignore her. When you do venture something personal or reveal vulnerability, it’ll seem like a reward, and a mark of how Deep your relationship is becoming.

Bear in mind, though, that when women complain about a lack of
communication, they’re usually upset at the lack of pleasurable verbal
stimulation—that is, the lack of those kinds of experiences which this report has taught you to create. When you provide regular verbal stimulation and feed her plenty of bubblewords, “communication” will seldom be an issue.


One might think: Hey, you’ve pretty much just recommended
behaving like a Neanderthal.
Yes. Bear in mind that if you ask a woman about the sort of behaviors
described above, she’ll almost surely describe them as reprehensible and very unattractive. What does she like? Well, she’ll probably say, she really likes nice, patient, respectful, loyal guys who treat her really well…

On the other hand, if you simply manifest the sort of behaviors
described above, she’ll tell all her friends what an exciting guy she’s met.

Review
Women find you more attractive when you display the following attributes:
1. Independence. You don’t need her; she needs you.
2. Focus. Your goals are more important than anything else, including her.
3. Determination. You persist in the face of obstacles.
4. Superiority (to her and others). You’re the elusive prize; she should feel
that not losing you is a challenge in itself.
5. Alternating Intensity and Coolness. On occasion, be rude, challenging,
provocative, and/or frustrating—it’s much better to piss her off than to
bore her.

Of course women will refute the above, but who are psychologist, hell they don't know anything about human nature...


Tamales: Break it down for the guy. Tell him your kinda seeing someone right now and it looks like it might be getting serious, that way you don't really hurt his feelings. Also tell him you enjoy his company and he is an attractive guy and all that, but the other guy was there first.....and you wanted to see if you really felt that way about him so you went out against your better judgement with him...

Or just tell him the truth and let him deal with it.

 

[Bill]

LJBF seems unevitable indeed, and as a girl it's all up to you. But instead of simply LJBFing him and keeping him as a "friend", why not telling him what he's doing wrong -- better, referring him to these forum maybe? my 2 cents...
Respect.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by ulsterman
Oscar's reply is so succinct in comparison to my verbosity... I must learn how to be more brief!

I am a master of the Kings English