Suggesting a coffee date\meetup a bad move?

[DJorBUST]

I've been trying to meet women using an online dating site and there have been several women who I have had good feedback, IOIs, etc with at least with the initial email messaging and then I suggest we finally meet for coffee (3-4 messages in) and they either don't respond or give me an odd response. I did have one woman agree a few days ago and say that it sounds great. Is this just the difference between high IL and low IL? Or is something wrong with my approach?

Example today:

Me: Blah blah blah Let me know if you're free to meet and grab a cup of coffee sometime.

Her: Blah blah blah Coffee? Not possible at this time...

I guess perhaps she wanted a more formal date, but I really don't like blowing money on women who I've seen 2 pictures of and may have no chemistry with. I really have no idea how to answer her. Perhaps "Okay, have a good life."

 

[dmpitman]

I have had the same response!

 

[Mr. Me]

Don't even bother with an answer.

A number of women are more into what they can get out of a guy. So, they want dinners. At nice places. They'll even tell you where they want you to take them in case you mention Applebee's.

But you want a woman who wants to meet *you*. That woman doesn't care if it's over a cup of coffee. That's the woman you want to meet.

If anything, see how you can better raise their IL in those few initial emails?

 

[DJorBUST]

I think you're right. She seemed really interested with her messages until I suggested coffee. And her answer does not give any specifics on why she can't at this time. So, I can only reasonably assume that she wasn't interested or what I suggested was not up to her "standards" :crackup:

 

[dannyegg4575]

i don't know... i have a conspiracy theory.
I have a reason to believe that chicks are well aware of these sites existing... don't you guys agree? coffee dates are being used by many people already is what i think. do something different. come on. if 8/10 guys on this site uses it again and again, don't you think they'll figure it out?
I mean, every girl being asked out, again and again and again on first date is, coffee...

 

[LovelyLady]

i don't know... i have a conspiracy theory.
I have a reason to believe that chicks are well aware of these sites existing... don't you guys agree? coffee dates are being used by many people already is what i think. do something different. come on. if 8/10 guys on this site uses it again and again, don't you think they'll figure it out?
I mean, every girl being asked out, again and again and again on first date is, coffee...

This is correct. A coffee pre-screen "meeting you to see if I want to date you" is appropriate for that stage of your interactions - but coffee together from a kiosk at the zoo or art museum (or some other interesting place) is much more fun. Sharing an enriching/fun experience takes the pressure (and boredom) off from it feeling like yet another job interview.

Also, I suggest you be mindful of the drivetime. If you are walking 2 blocks and expecting her to drive 1/2 hour, she is more likely to flake. It is more courteous to pick a location about halfway for both you, is noticed and appreciated. We girls pay attention to these small details/indicators.

Also, perhaps try being more specific as to when you want to get together. If you are vague about If... when... (and have not offered up the where either) you are putting her in the position of planning your "date". That means she sets the "frame" as you guys say here. A lot of us women don't want to be the pursuer/man/framesetter, and will pass on meeting you if you handle things this way. She has very little informaton on the type of man you are, so she will pay very close attention to the subtleties of how you handle things.

 

[dannyegg4575]

so glad we have some honest women on this site...

a fresh perspective

 

[My Name is Nobody]

I

Example today:

Me: Blah blah blah Let me know if you're free to meet and grab a cup of coffee sometime.

Her: Blah blah blah Coffee? Not possible at this time...

What has been working for me is something like this

Me: "Let's go grab some cofee at blah blah blah... unless you are too busy to go out with a stud like me"

Her: ok

C&F my friend, that's all I have to say.

 

[Mr. Me]

coffee dates are being used by many people already is what I think. do something different

There's a PURPOSE to having that coffee date.

In real life, when we meet someone, we see them in person. We get to interact with them a bit and can see if we like the way they look, the way they act, the way they speak, the way they smile, etc. In short, we can see if there's chemistry or not. It's then when we decide if we'd like to explore this person some more or not.

Online, we don't have that. We have poor representations of a few pictures and emails or a phone call or two. But these are devoid of real life chemistry. Therefore, the real life meet has to be set up to see if chemistry does exist. You have to like her AND she has to like you too.

Too many times people have fallen in lust or love with emails and their vision of what the other person is like, and go ahead and arrange 4 hour dates over dinner or whatever, only to have a bad date where it just didn't work out and they suffer being stuck through the event plus add injury to insult with its financial cost. Do that several times and you see why it's a wrong approach.

Here comes the coffee date! It's reasonable: why should a guy commit to anything more with someone he hasn't even met yet! You have to meet first to see if you like each other enough in real life so as to know if you'd like to have a date!

Inexpensive and short, it's not really even a date. It's to meet and gauge interest and chemistry. During it, you're there to see signs that she's interested in you and not just coming to meet someone because she's bored. You want to listen and watch for any red flags, like if she is bitter about men or has other issues she doesn't handle well. You want to see that she looks close enough to her photos - no surprises.

If chemistry's not there, no biggie, you're done by the time more or less you've finished your coffee and you're out four bucks.

And when they don't wish to meet over coffee, that's great! You've weeded out a possible golddigger or rigid person or spoiled brat.

Word of caution: even when arranging a coffee date, say at Starbucks, if she tries to upgrade the venue ("Starbucks? Oh no! Let's go to 'Cafe De Paris', they have much better coffee there! And it's charming too!") then she's telling you it's more about the place for her then it is about the function or purpose of meeting you.

 

[DJorBUST]

I'm very impressed with how mr.me summed up the coffee date. Exactly my feelings! My decision to use the coffee date actually comes from several failed dinner date experiences which, as he stated, are long and costly.

 

[DJorBUST]

I'm very impressed with how mr.me summed up the coffee date. Exactly my feelings! My decision to use the coffee date actually comes from several failed dinner date experiences which, as he stated, are long and costly.

 

[armadon]

Coffee dates are lame and overused. I just went out with a chick I met online and on Sunday we went hiking. Only cost was gas to get to the mountain. When I found out she was cool I took her to lunch afterwards.

Coffee dates have turned into the cheap man's movie/dinner date, everyone ****ing does them. You're now just the average guy that women don't want.

 

[DJorBUST]

Hiking? Are you kidding me? If the woman turns out to be ugly or has a horrible personality, why would I want to spend hours hiking with them. And if coffee is the poor man's movie/dinner, then what does that make hiking? A homeless man's coffee date?

 

[00Kevin]

In this case you should qualify her at a coffee house before wasting your money on a date.

I used coffee dates all the time to increase my numbers. If you don't like the girl you can just finish your coffee quick and vacate.

I would however NOT take the hoe to starbucks. Take her to a very simple coffee house where it only costs at most $2.00.

oh and do yourself a favour and order a strong coffee and not a gay carmel thing with a wad of cu-m on top.

 

[00Kevin]

Coffee dates are lame and overused. I just went out with a chick I met online and on Sunday we went hiking. Only cost was gas to get to the mountain. When I found out she was cool I took her to lunch afterwards.

Coffee dates have turned into the cheap man's movie/dinner date, everyone ****ing does them. You're now just the average guy that women don't want.

In the case of internet dating that is exactly what you want. You want the first time to be lame and simple. It is how you act on that date that makes you the man.

A real man goes on a date to qualify a woman. First he checks her body out and then questions her personality. Most AFCs are far too afraid to qualify a woman and because of that they get bored.

 

[armadon]

In the case of internet dating that is exactly what you want. You want the first time to be lame and simple. It is how you act on that date that makes you the man.

A real man goes on a date to qualify a woman. First he checks her body out and then questions her personality. Most AFCs are far too afraid to qualify a woman and because of that they get bored.

There is no chance of being the man if she never agrees to your coffee date. What guys are failing to realize is that there are a ton of guys reading sites like this. How to pick up women. All these sites say take the chick out for coffee to see what she's like and so you don't waste money. Gee lets see what that means. She's getting asked out for coffee all the ****ing time now. YOU are not original, YOU are just another average joe.

Hiking? Are you kidding me? If the woman turns out to be ugly or has a horrible personality, why would I want to spend hours hiking with them. And if coffee is the poor man's movie/dinner, then what does that make hiking? A homeless man's coffee date?

You fail to notice that cheap and poor are two different words that don't mean the same. Women are on to the whole coffee date idea and why guys are doing it.

 

[armadon]

i don't know... i have a conspiracy theory.
I have a reason to believe that chicks are well aware of these sites existing... don't you guys agree? coffee dates are being used by many people already is what i think. do something different. come on. if 8/10 guys on this site uses it again and again, don't you think they'll figure it out?
I mean, every girl being asked out, again and again and again on first date is, coffee...

HAHAHA I didn't even see this. At least someone else gets it.

 

[Mr. Me]

There is no chance of being the man if she never agrees to your coffee date.

So what would you think about a woman you've never met, who doesn't care to meet you, who in fact refuses to want to meet you, unless you offer her more than a coffee outing?

And what do you do when you invite a woman you've never met before to go hiking with you, then she shows up and she's 40 pounds more than her photo and not as good looking and on the drive she whines about things and takes umbrage at just about everything you say because she's completely humorless, and you're thinking, "this isn't the way she came across in her emails/phone calls" and then she tells you she has five kids at home?

I met someone the other night - and she actually stunk. Bad odor. Yuck. Can you imagine being stuck in a car with her?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Pulling off a coffee date separates the men from the boys. A guy on a coffee date has to rely on his abilities (character, charisma, conversation, etc.), not the venue. It allows him to be his best self completely while determining whether or not the woman merits seeing again at a different venue.

 

[DJorBUST]

Mr. Me -> Well, if you take armadon's suggestion and go on a hike with her, at least you can air her nasty ass out to relieve the "odor" :crackup:

I think the division here is pretty clear. The people who are suggesting that you need to switch up the venue and be "different" don't realize that there are many ways to be different than simply changing the site of your encounter. They play into this game that women have sold us that you need to take them all to nice expensive restaurants and buy them roses and pay for everything and blah blah blah. I am PURPOSELY choosing the cheaper, alternative because I have been on several recent dates that have cost me a lot in terms of time and financial investment and I'd prefer to bypass that with a nice, simple meeting over a cup of joe. Any woman who isn't up for that has already told me where her priorities are. In the above example, I mentioned one girl who flat out rejected the idea and another who said she would "LOVE" to and can't wait to meet me. I've already weeded out the low IL woman from the high IL woman (see anti-dump). I'm finally learning