Success and Friendships

[jaymbrs]

I'm trying to learn the balance between maintaining long time friendships with those who have made stupid decisions and are failing financially, hitting me up to borrow money or just moving on to befriend others who are my (w)age. For ex. one of them has decided to have unprotected sex and have multiple kids that has put him in a severe financial bind. Dude cant do anything anymore. One the one side, I ask myself if that's my problem. Of course not. But then on the other he is my friend since high school and if I can foot the bill here and there, might as well. I also got another friend who has just become a flat out loser. Cant keep a job, gets arrested all the time and smoke too much weed. He's also a longtime friend and he didnt start messing up like this until after his father passed away. My other friend and I have tried helping him by setting him up with job interviews, letting him know his drug usage really affects his judgment and makes him a pain in the ass to be around but he has passed on everything we've said and done for him. Part of me feels for him but then I realize I'm not a trained psychologist and that's when he needs.

I'm not rich by any means however I am living comfortably, making investments and climbing the good ol corporate ladder but hanging out with these guys make me feel like I'm surrounding myself with people I don't need to be surrounded by and that I need to move on to hanging with other more successful people. But on the other hand these are the guys I grew up, my wingmen, and the guys I play sports with. I guess if it werent for Covid there may be a chance we'd be at the bar getting digits and/or playing in some rec sports league.

Any advice or insight is appreciated.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I'm trying to learn the balance between maintaining long time friendships with those who have made stupid decisions and are failing financially, hitting me up to borrow money or just moving on to befriend others who are my (w)age. For ex. one of them has decided to have unprotected sex and have multiple kids that has put him in a severe financial bind. Dude cant do anything anymore. One the one side, I ask myself if that's my problem. Of course not. But then on the other he is my friend since high school and if I can foot the bill here and there, might as well. I also got another friend who has just become a flat out loser. Cant keep a job, gets arrested all the time and smoke too much weed. He's also a longtime friend and he didnt start messing up like this until after his father passed away. My other friend and I have tried helping him by setting him up with job interviews, letting him know his drug usage really affects his judgment and makes him a pain in the ass to be around but he has passed on everything we've said and done for him. Part of me feels for him but then I realize I'm not a trained psychologist and that's when he needs.

I'm not rich by any means however I am living comfortably, making investments and climbing the good ol corporate ladder but hanging out with these guys make me feel like I'm surrounding myself with people I don't need to be surrounded by and that I need to move on to hanging with other more successful people. But on the other hand these are the guys I grew up, my wingmen, and the guys I play sports with. I guess if it werent for Covid there may be a chance we'd be at the bar getting digits and/or playing in some rec sports league.

Any advice or insight is appreciated.

What if they made a few bad turns but don't ask you for anything?

 

[jaymbrs]

What if they made a few bad turns but don't ask you for anything?

I don't think it would make much of a difference. It's their negative energy that I feel weighs me down. The negative energy they give off due to problems they themselves are creating.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I don't think it would make much of a difference. It's their negative energy that I feel weighs me down. The negative energy they give off due to problems they themselves are creating.

A few bad turns and mishaps dont equal negative energy. The guy could be driven and filled to the brim with drive and positivity. Add a negative crab like mentality girlfriend to that and his life got dragged down. He gets rid of the girl still a positive driven man. Hes just lost some time and backslid a bit. It's interesting to see how you view it.

You bring a guy like that around folks who "havent made alot of mistakes", theyll look down on him and inject negative energy and negative comments. He may be much more driven and positive than them.
Can you see the other side?

 

[Black Widow Void]

I don't think it would make much of a difference. It's their negative energy that I feel weighs me down. The negative energy they give off due to problems they themselves are creating.

While on the surface, you assert that their negative energy weighs you down... I'm thinking that subconsciously, it's the exact opposite.

Despite your epiphany, you've still chosen to surround yourself with this type. No one is truly altruistic. You're 'getting something' positive out of this. I suspect that surrounding yourself with this contrasting type will allow you to see yourself in an additional positive light.

 

[Machine10033]

It’s all up to you ? In my life I threw all of my old friendships away because of similar concerns. As I turn 40 i regret that..... those people who knew you before you forged your path are important. I have made new friends but can never rehash or laugh about the memories I had growing up... when times were simple. By biggest regret in life was going to deep into self improvement and buying into discarding people that “ at the moment” are not providing any value.

 

[jaymbrs]

While on the surface, you assert that their negative energy weighs you down... I'm thinking that subconsciously, it's the exact opposite.

Despite your epiphany, you've still chosen to surround yourself with this type. No one is truly altruistic. You're 'getting something' positive out of this. I suspect that surrounding yourself with this contrasting type will allow you to see yourself in an additional positive light.

I am getting somethign positive out of it, as machine mentioned above, I'm still able to have discussions about the things we did growing up. However that seems to be all these friendships are about, just remembering the past. And I started questioning if that was a legit reason to remain friends with those who are going down different (and IMO wrong paths). That was pretty insightful as well @Machine10033 . My thoughts are very similar to yours in that I'm just self improving and since my longtime friends have chosen to go down these paths, I no longer believe we need to be as associated with each other as we once were. Neither is able to afford to go out as often anymore. 1-2 times a month if they get permission from the GF or if they have some money for a few beers. These were guys who use to be able to drop $100 on a bar tab per weekend. I know times change but it's tough seeing how I'm the only one who can still do this. One of them just told me he cant afford the league dues for a softball team we were going to join. I'm at a cross roads and do appreciate the insight from you guys.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I can relate to your thoughts 100%.

Sometimes we can reconnect with friends and pick back up, and eventually, it's like there was never any gap. Other times (once the familiarity of speaking about old times is gone) it becomes evident that there's no longer any commonality.

Personally, I make a comfortable living. My oldest pal easily makes three times as much. He should never feel guilty about this. In my early 20's, I made choices (choices that were more "fun."). He, on the other hand didn't have as much fun, but was responsible enough to plan ahead.

I mention the above because your friends also made choices. If people want to get ahead, there's always a way. Many years ago when I was in college, I didn't manage my money well. If I had a date, I'd sell plasma or sell a few cassettes/LP's to the local used record store for funds.

Could I have asked my folks or a friend for a few bucks? Of course, but they didn't create the problem. I did. When I had funds, I could be overly extravagant and not think of the next week ahead. It wasn't up to my folks or friends to finance my bad money decisions. I got tired of living like that and as a result, made some positive changes.

The point I'm attempting to make is that you don't 'owe' your friends. In fact, if you continually provide them with a safety net, they'll never be driven to make positive changes.

 

[Seductions_Mad_Scientist]

I'm trying to learn the balance between maintaining long time friendships with those who have made stupid decisions and are failing financially, hitting me up to borrow money or just moving on to befriend others who are my (w)age. For ex. one of them has decided to have unprotected sex and have multiple kids that has put him in a severe financial bind. Dude cant do anything anymore. One the one side, I ask myself if that's my problem. Of course not. But then on the other he is my friend since high school and if I can foot the bill here and there, might as well. I also got another friend who has just become a flat out loser. Cant keep a job, gets arrested all the time and smoke too much weed. He's also a longtime friend and he didnt start messing up like this until after his father passed away. My other friend and I have tried helping him by setting him up with job interviews, letting him know his drug usage really affects his judgment and makes him a pain in the ass to be around but he has passed on everything we've said and done for him. Part of me feels for him but then I realize I'm not a trained psychologist and that's when he needs.

I'm not rich by any means however I am living comfortably, making investments and climbing the good ol corporate ladder but hanging out with these guys make me feel like I'm surrounding myself with people I don't need to be surrounded by and that I need to move on to hanging with other more successful people. But on the other hand these are the guys I grew up, my wingmen, and the guys I play sports with. I guess if it werent for Covid there may be a chance we'd be at the bar getting digits and/or playing in some rec sports league.

Any advice or insight is appreciated.

I've been thinking about similar things recently bro.

Preemptively I apologize if anything I say comes across as insensitive. These are just some things I think.

1) you are not culpable for the habits of your friends. f they do drugs, that's not on you, if they get out of shape, thats not on you, if they don't learn and grow that's not on you. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

2) IF and only IF you feel you can seperate your friends behaviour and yours perfectly or near perfectly, then you can stay friends with them.
If you feel your being dragged down by them then the best case scenario is you dont fully cut them off but you just keep grinding and by the necesitty of non-transferability of time ( i.e. you only have so much time and energy in a day) they will fall off. Just keep moving.

3) I was casually dating this girl who is unfortunately very easily triggered by political ****. The relationship died because we just couldnt get past the glass half full vs. glass half empty mentality. It's unfortunate cuz she was cool but just in a bad place mentally. However I'm on a crazy come up right now and can't afford to have anything slowing me down. This car needs to go a fast as possible so im not about to throw several hundred pounds in the trunk unnecesarilly.

4) Most people are not successful over a long time scale. If your goals are really that big you gotta understand the factors effecting your probability of being as susccesful as youd like. The obvious metaphor would be a dude who has a chance to be a pro athlete but eats ****ty food. his inherent chance of short term success as an athlete is still probably higher than an average dude but hes not helping his long term goals with that diet.

Cheers

 

[Scars]

You are the sum of the 5 closest people you hang out with the most.

Take that information and do what you will with it.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

You are the sum of the 5 closest people you hang out with the most.

Take that information and do what you will with it.

This is the reality of the situation, unfortunely. I commend the posters in this thread for not immediately suggesting to "get rid of them" which is a typical response you'd see on other "manosphere" forums like RSD. It's hard to let long-term friends go, especially when they are struggling.

I wouldn't ghost them completely, but be very careful about how you let them influence you, and don't do anything that will enable them to keep making ****ty life decisions.