Stumbled upon a way to contol my anger

[Atom Smasher]

Just by chance, I stumbled upon a way for me to get a good measure of contol over anger and over my being upset with people, along with that accompanying feeling of feeling reactive and out of control.

One of my weaknesses is that when a woman acts insulting, superior, or disrespectful I tend to feel a very deep anger and disgust. I recognize that my feeling itself is valid for her appalling behavior, but the DEPTH of feeling is too intense, and works against me. Rage, even if not expressed, is always an over-amplification of justifiable anger or displeasure with someone.

What I do is this:
I imagine a steel measuring stick, similar to one of those steel rulers with the numbers and lines stamped in, just floating in the air.

I then visually see my anger level in the form of a color along the entire stick (100%). I simply move my anger level from 100% on the stick down to 50%. That's it. Nothing more.

What happens is that suddenly I'm able to handle my anger in a rational, strategic and tactical way, and I definitely feel that it gives me a sense of control in the situation. I no longer feel reactive, but rather I feel justified in my anger, but equipped to do something effective about the situation.

Try it and let me know if it works for you. I didn't read about this anywhere, I just started imagining it one day and it worked great. I'd like to know if it helps others or if it's just something that is peculiar to me.

 

[change11]

Interesting I'll give it a try.

Would you care to share any other tips you have? Been working on myself a lot lately and I've found that as a child I (and my parents) never learned to truly deal with issues. I always try to ignore them and push them out of my mind. So they never get resolved just pushed aside and when they come back up it's always anger. It's funny, the issue may not even make me angry per say but when I try to ignore it (which obviously is only a temporary fix) it comes back as anger. Everything comes back as anger.

I like punching my steering wheel and throwing rocks into the river near my house haha. But definitly could use something more constructive.

 

[5string]

Atom

If it works, it works. Good for you.

My wife said some things to me on Sat night that bothered me greatly. She did not say it out of anger. It was just some sh!t that I didnt want to know. I just looked at her and asked her "why do I need to know that?" She was a bit bewildered by the comment. She then realized that she p!ssed me off and needed to be more careful. I really pinned her ears back. There was no fighting. Eventually, I just went to bed and tried to forget about it. Yesterday, there were no further bad feelings or issues and now it's all gone.

Time does heal. Even if it's only a short time.

BTW. I bought her a long overdue engagement ring yesterday. She was still beaming about it this AM.

 

[Atom Smasher]

5,

Unfortunately for me, I've always been a "slow burner". In the past, if ever a girlfriend pissed me off It would take a very long time for my anger to dissipate, far longer than average. I think it's because I'm a sensitive guy at heart and I would feel deeply hurt (would someone please cue up "Feelings" in the background?) I would always try extremely hard, but in the end the anger had to run its course.

My ruler trick works because it visually shows me that I can calibrate my anger to an appropriate setting. That usually means eliminating the feeling of being "helpless" to do anything about it, and brings me to a place of considering what I can actually do about it.

I'm glad you're able to bounce back quickly. Women seem to be great at blurting out things without ever running it through their mental filter, and then they're bewildered as to our reactions. They're children, first and foremost. Now I'm angry at your wife, darn it, for giving you a hard time!

Amazing how those sparkly objects will appease, heh heh.

What does the phrase "pin her ears back" mean? I'm all for pinning female body parts back, but never tried the ears.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Interesting I'll give it a try.

Would you care to share any other tips you have? Been working on myself a lot lately and I've found that as a child I (and my parents) never learned to truly deal with issues. I always try to ignore them and push them out of my mind. So they never get resolved just pushed aside and when they come back up it's always anger. It's funny, the issue may not even make me angry per say but when I try to ignore it (which obviously is only a temporary fix) it comes back as anger. Everything comes back as anger.

I like punching my steering wheel and throwing rocks into the river near my house haha. But definitly could use something more constructive.

Even by your name here on this board it sounds like you're very intent on improving yourself. I applaud and respect that.

It's extremely difficult (but not impossible) to overcome the family dynamic. I was always the same way, and growing up I was deathly afraid of my mother who was very rageful, out of control and unpredictable. In later years I figured out that she didn't have a clue how to deal with her frustrations, until they built up in her and blew. I was the only boy with three sisters, so I usually got the brunt of her wrath. One day when I was a baby she grabbed me by the throat and started choking me till I started to black out.

I remember standing on the car seat with my dad the next day, telling him that mommy tried to kill me last night. He blew it off as nonsense.

So I learned to hold things in and be afraid to deal with them as they needed to be dealt with. For me, in my child's mind, the risk was death.

Chance, I'm a big believer in baby steps. If I were you I'd find a mild issue that needs resolution. Not something earth-shattering, just something that makes you feel a little uncomfortable discussing. Bring it up to the person, but hold your own frame.

Frame control is key. Family members pounce because they easily sense your trepidation, and that sense is a powerful weapon to keep you in control.

You need to find that very mild issue, and bring it up CASUALLY and in a detached way, as if you absolutely expect it not to be questioned. There must be zero emotional stake in it for you. It must be your frame and your frame only, impenetrable by others' frames.

Again, it should be a very minor issue, like "Hey, these bags go in this drawer" and then immediately start talking about something else, like it's no big deal but you had something to say and you said it.

I have gone from being run roughshod over by my three sisters and my domineering mother to holding my own frame with them. I have made myself bullet-proof, simply by finding one tiny thing to start with and dealing with it dispassionately. Agin, the key is to come from a stance of "Of course my frame is the correct one. How could it possibly be any different?" You don't actually SAY that, but you have that attitude.

I'm writing this as I'm rushing out the door, so it may not be my best work, but you get the picture. Baby steps, hold your frame, remove emotion, know that your point is VALID and will be accepted by others, accepted as valid even if they disagree with it. You must develop the attitude that you are willing to stand alone with your beliefs if need be. You do not need others' approval. You are willing to stand alone.

You are punching your steering wheel because you feel you have no control over these situations. You do have control, you can take the reins and deal with these issues. You will sometimes step on toes, and when that happens take out the Atom Smasher brand yard stick, see your reaction at 100%, slide the color up to 50%, and then you will know that you can moderate your reaction from helplessness to "I can now examine my options, and proceed on my own terms."

Gotta run. I hope some of this helps.

 

[5string]

Atom

By "pinning her ears back," I meant I just looked at her, was direct, and said "what do I need to hear that for?" She knew right then that she messed up. In another context, I also took her upstairs later on that evening and "pinned her ears back." hehe

You are also spot on that women, more often than men, tend to talk before their brains kick in. No question about that!

 

[metoo]

I usually just spit on her. Works wonders for her future behavior, or at least, on the range from which she dares to act thusly.