Stuck in my own head

[Genesis5]

Hey dudes,

It's been a long time since I've posted here - but I always valued advice, given it's a great tool to boost self confidence and remember who you are as a man.

Anyways, I am currently 2 1/2 years deep into a relationship, live in girlfriend (that is a little dependent on me) and I cannot seem to find myself not fantasizing about other women. I know it's normal.. however, I seem to be living a double life for myself. When I was single, carrying multiple plates I had so much drive for myself. I was motivated all of the time. I was busy with work, hobbies, other women, etc. My self confidence was off the charts. But now, after the honeymoon phase has gone away... I find myself stuck in my own head. I fantasize about friends, co-workers, ex-girlfriends, everything but my current girl. I get insecure about myself, not sure if I'm doing things right, etc

Has anyone ever been in a long rut like this?

I know getting validation from other women is a "beta" thing. But for whatever reason, when I do, my drive goes high with it.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

She might have your balls man. In a god LTR you will be pounding her constantly and getting positive affirmations.

 

[Asmodeus]

This is a common occurrence in a relationship from what I understand... However, perhaps you should tell us more about the relationship dynamics. Do you and your girlfriend have difficulties? Has she changed in some ways, in looks or attitude? Are you having what you would define as a good sex life with your girlfriend?

 

[Genesis5]

Our relationship is fine. She offers everything I need, would be an awesome mother, caretaker etc. Our sex is great, it's just missing something. And I don't think it's a physical thing.

To be honest, when I first met her she had a great job, made great money, and always had a drive for what she did. She then hurt her back about a year a 1/2 ago and ever since has held no job, or no real desire to move with a career. I'm not 100% how she's supporting herself but for me, it's a huge turn off. Is that a wrong reason to be turned off? It's gotten to a point where she never really leaves the house (but she does a ton of stuff, like clean, house projects etc) but it just got old. I don't really have any desire to advance on her sexually, it's become a 'meh' thing to me.

Something about her has changed and I'm not 100% sure why it's changed for me.

So now, selfishly, I have been looking outward. The rush comes back when I get the attention of other women, but I know it might be for the wrong reason. I'm not looking for pity, just looking to see if anyone else has gone through this kind of thing and what steps they took to go in either direction.

 

[Killakittie]

I also don't hold any attraction for women with no ambition or drive for self improvement so I think your on to something here.

My relationship with my son's mother was a picture perfect one, but she was perfectly content with living life without money, and had no desire to push herself. I'm highly driven and it caused is to break up but we still remain great friends today.

 

[ZTIME]

Our relationship is fine. She offers everything I need, would be an awesome mother, caretaker etc. Our sex is great, it's just missing something. And I don't think it's a physical thing.

To be honest, when I first met her she had a great job, made great money, and always had a drive for what she did. She then hurt her back about a year a 1/2 ago and ever since has held no job, or no real desire to move with a career. I'm not 100% how she's supporting herself but for me, it's a huge turn off. Is that a wrong reason to be turned off? It's gotten to a point where she never really leaves the house (but she does a ton of stuff, like clean, house projects etc) but it just got old. I don't really have any desire to advance on her sexually, it's become a 'meh' thing to me.

Something about her has changed and I'm not 100% sure why it's changed for me.

So now, selfishly, I have been looking outward. The rush comes back when I get the attention of other women, but I know it might be for the wrong reason. I'm not looking for pity, just looking to see if anyone else has gone through this kind of thing and what steps they took to go in either direction.

Hell yes!! I think tons of guys have gone through a ton of these situations. Me too.

I try to say this a bit here on SS: "We can not diagnose the girl, she's not the OP. You are".

So let's look at you for a moment and leave her out as much as we can. You decided to stay with her and ultimately its your choice to leave or stay.

1. When you think about your friends and other women, do you see yourself happier with them or in their situation?

2. How were you 2 1/2 years ago compared to today? (Physically, mentally, and financially)?

3. Is there any reason why you believe that her or anyone else's influence in your life should change who you want to be?

4. Are you to the point where you're making excuses to not come home because you can't relax, and you don't want to be bored with the same routine?

5. Is there any fire left inside of you to change your life for the better today (this has nothing to do with her).

My friend, once you fix yourself and get motivated, she'll either follow your lead or she won't. Then your decession will be simple.

 

[Genesis5]

@ZTIME:

1.) Yeah, but sometimes the grass isn't always greener as they say?

2.) Physically not as buff as I am today, financially I am much better off today, but mentally I was literally on my A-Game and I felt fan ****ing tastic about myself.

3.) I think a part of me feels trapped. But it's not really her fault - or at least I don't believe it is because I always believed that you are a result of your own actions.

4.) I'm making excuses not to have lame (I'm not really into her) sex sometimes. But then I get high and forget about all that and just nail it. She's here 24/7 and I work from home as well so that does not help.

5.) If there is a fire, it's a slowly dieing ember.

 

[ZTIME]

@ZTIME:

1.) Yeah, but sometimes the grass isn't always greener as they say?

Sure, but sometimes it is. Fear of letting go is actually the same as fear of moving forward.

2.) Physically not as buff as I am today, financially I am much better off today, but mentally I was literally on my A-Game and I felt fan ****ing tastic about myself.

I'm assuming that in some aspects of your life, you're not on your "A-GAME". Who controls this?

3.) I think a part of me feels trapped. But it's not really her fault - or at least I don't believe it is because I always believed that you are a result of your own actions.

True, which means that it's actually your actions which make you feel trapped. What is it you're doing to make you feel this way?

4.) I'm making excuses not to have lame (I'm not really into her) sex sometimes. But then I get high and forget about all that and just nail it. She's here 24/7 and I work from home as well so that does not help.

The fastest way to kill attraction or desire is to have it available 24/7. It's like loving ice cream and opening an ice cream store. Soon you find yourself getting high just to stomache it.........Wait! You just said that!

5.) If there is a fire, it's a slowly dieing ember.

Well at least your honest with yourself, which is the biggest step to help yourself. Find where the fire went. I mean on the inside. You're not a product of your surroundings, You are a product of you and your actions......Wait!You said that back at #3.

Truth is, a bunch of posters can tell you what's wrong with the girl or your life or a whole miriad of things. The end product of you will ultimately come from your diagnoses of you and the actions you take to win and keep the fire burning.

At least that's the way I see it!! BE BLESSED!

Responses in your post .

 

[Yewki]

She then hurt her back about a year a 1/2 ago and ever since has held no job, or no real desire to move with a career... It's gotten to a point where she never really leaves the house... I don't really have any desire to advance on her sexually, it's become a 'meh' thing to me.

So now, selfishly, I have been looking outward.

No I would not say you're being selfish at all. Granted I don't know the extent of her injury, but it sounds like she's become lazy and complacent. This would make her the problem, not you.

You need to take action otherwise this is just going to get worse. Do you want it to blow up years from now, or start dealing with it now? She's going to keep mooching off you and probably expect you to carry her all the way through retirement... while she does nothing. Talk to her about her plans and ambitions, hint that you're not happy with how she's going about her life. If you're not happy and she doesn't change you should be willing to walk.

 

[sodbuster]

She's moved into "wife" mode. Not wanting to work, etc. Is that what you want ? If not, change it

 

[grayclif]

If it were you (i.e. a man) with a sore back and 1 year unemployed she'd likely be nagging the shiat out of you, i.e. that you need to get off your lazy bum and find a job.

I'd tell her exactly that: get off your ass and find a job.

No excuses.

It's all about equal opportunity for men AND women right?

In her eyes you would be a pathetic poor excuse of a man. And all her friends would know it.

Another reason why one should never move in with a girlfriend. I had to say it cause it's one of the first things you learn on this site along with spinning plates.

How much longer in the lease?