Struggling with Jealousy/Insecurity.......

[gixxer]

Hey Guys, I've got some really interesting things going on in my noggin lately.

As a lot of you will know from my recent posts I've started dating someone. This is my first relationship in 3 years and first ever since getting the DJ thing down. I've been with a lot of women over the past few years and my dating/hooking up game is pretty strong. My LTR game, however, seems to be lacking

I understand the principles of keeping a woman attracted in an LTR, but what I'm struggling with is jealousy and insecurity. It seems that when I don't know where she is and what she's doing I automatically assume she's up to no good. I have no eveidence to base this on whatsoever.

I realize that I can't communicate this to her in any way and even avoid asking her what she's doing or has done on nights I don't see her. I don't even want to start the conversation for fear I'll say something insecure or AFC.

I fully realize that this is an inner game issue on my part that I need to deal with. I'm also concerned, however, that my pre-occupation with supressing these feelings will lead me to overlook some important feedback or allow me to be easily manipulated by her.

I was completely indifferent to this girl up until the point we started getting more serious. I really didn't care what she did up to this point. Once things got going I went from DJ to AFC with regard to caring what she was doing or being worried if she was trustworthy.

I guess my question is: how does one continue to be challenging, aloof, indifferent and detached once an exclusive relationship gets started? If there is someone on here that knows how to keep these type of feelings in check I'd be very interested to understand what your frame is.

gixx

 

[WestCoaster]

Good questions

As always, I've noted that I've shared the same feelings of insecurity and jealousy and will use my previous AFC background to hand out knowledge.

Where insecurity/jealousy stems from, I'm not sure, each person has a different background. My belief is it is the thought that if you are dumped or it breaks up, you won't be back in a relationship and you'll be lonely or feel like a loser. I could be wrong there.

So the first thing you have to do is remove the belief that being in a relationship is the end-all and that it defines you. Once you do that, you'll be relaxed. I think it's very important that one learns how to live with themselves before they get into any kind of LTR. At some time or another, we'll all have to live by ourselves.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Take the relationship for what it is: something that's nice that's come along, and also something that could easily blow up tomorrow. Women are odd creatures, they'll break up over minor stuff. Understand this.

Also, realize that this woman may be better than many out there, but there are always many more equal to or better than her. That will help alleviate "oneitis."

Women like relaxed, confident guys. Aloof is not a good way to be, but light-hearted is a strong quality.

 

[IronFar]

One of the issues that I believe you might be encountering is the "DO NOT FAWK THIS UP" uptightness that grips you as you give a s#*t.

Just let yourself go as you were before. I am NOT advocating that you don't show or have feelings - those are inevitable. I AM saying to ditch the idea that this is "perfect" .

Just be as you were. You can let this go as easily as the other 20 h0s.

DO NOT BE SCARED TO LOSE.

 

[joekerr31]

YOU have to KNOW that YOU are the prize.

That's one of the things ive learned. Women smell insecurity from a 100 miles away. THEY KNOW whether you'll put up with their crap before you even do.

But if You see Yourself as the prize, then you'll stop worry if she's screwing around. And she'll START worrying about whether she's meeting your needs.

Your jealousy comes from seeing yourself as a loser who somehow managed to land the prize. and you're worried that some "winner" is going to come along and steal it from you.

This has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you (assuming that shes giving you no reason to in any way worry about her cheating).

J

 

[Slickster]

I guess my question is: how does one continue to be challenging, aloof, indifferent and detached once an exclusive relationship gets started? If there is someone on here that knows how to keep these type of feelings in check I'd be very interested to understand what your frame is.

Here's what I do...

Whether I'm involved in an exclusive relationship or not I always (try to) maintain the same attitude when I'm out and about. I'm a very friendly person and I am always interested in meeting new people. I regularly speak to strangers in almost any social setting. Many of these new people I meet are women.

The benefits of this are many.

1. It keeps your head on straight in regards to your relationship. If your chick is acting up or being a drag you are well aware of the countless other options. On the other hand you meet a lot of messed up women too and you really appreciate the one you have.

2. It keeps your social skills and DJ skills sharp. How many guys have you heard say that they've just gotten out of a LTR and their skills with women are gone?

3. Being in a relationship is actually the best time to improve your DJ skills. If you are an honest guy (one who isn't out to cheat on his girl) you are in a prime position to learn how easily you can win women over when you approach them without an agenda. There is absolutely no pressure on you because you're already hooked up. Things that seemed difficult while you were a single dude just seem to happen with no effort or thought at all.

4. Your current woman realizes how friendly and great of a guy you are. Everyone likes you and she feels lucky to have you and shows it too. Don't hide the fact that you like to meet other women from your girl. Talk to chicks right in front of her. Don't be rude and flirty. Just friendly. Watch how much better your girl behaves when she sees how easily she could be replaced.

5. You build a huge social circle. You meet women, you meet their friends, and on and on. One day you find yourself single again and presto you have a dozen women interested in you because they already know how great of a guy you are.

6. Finally, you don't feel insecure or jealous about your current girlfriend. You realize that you are a great guy. You are the man in fact. You know it. She knows it. And if she wants to do something to mess things up between you two, then let her. Better to find out stuff like that sooner than later. If she wants to have guy's as friends - great! You start to realize that this whole thing is a two way street. She has other guy friends just like you have other girlfriends. She shouldn't be dating those guys or doing anything that makes you uncomfortable just like you wouldn't do that to her. You maintain a level of respect. If she does something that you don't like or don't feel comfortable with then don't be afraid to tell her. Don't be a jealous fool. Just simply tell her that you aren't comfortable with the situation. Remember - ONLY TELL HER ONCE! If she is a good woman then she will do what ever she has to do make things right between you two. If not and she keeps acting up then its time you started looking at your other options.


Gixxer I think alot of your problems stem from oneitis. Its okay to be stoked about your girlfriend. Just remember that even though you are exclusive you have to keep your eyes open to the world around you.

Hope this helps.

Slick.

 

[WestCoaster]

Read Allen

Allen Thompson is a great writer, very astute and I'm thankful he provided this site to the public. The problem is everyone rushes to the message board, while not reading the important articles and DJ Bible. It's all there. Instead of asking guys on the boards -- who are having the same "oneitis" and AFC problems -- read Allen.

Here he is on the topic of jealousy. It's great stuff:

http://www.sosuave.com/articles/jealous.htm