Struggling to open up to people

[Monkey]

Don't know why but lately I'm having a really bad time opening up to people in social situations. Sure, with certain people and friends I know well I'm ok - I can talk and laugh all night but with most others I'm really finding it difficult.

I can be sat with a group of people, making the odd coment here and there but inside I'm screaming. I'm fed up with people seeing me as the quiet guy but its damn difficult to shake.

I'm such an inventive, funny guy with lots to offer, nothing like I portray, but I feel theres a wall around me that needs to be broken down.

 

[SLIKKER_THAN_AVG]

Do you mean opening up as in sharing your feelings that are deep down? or opening up to people in general?

It can be hard, because some people are born..with more of an outgoing nature than others.

One thing you might wanna do is to get a job that requires you to approach people and converse with them on a regular basis.

At first you may only do it because its your job..but jobs have a funny way of rubbing off on peoples personal lives as well. It can never hurt to develop the old interpersonal skills.


Tons of other stuff that you can do but maybe this is one you havent heard of before

Peace

 

[matius]

Start on the inside monkey. I am like you, but what I realize now is that you get trapped in a cycle. The cycle in my eyes:

A tragic situation occurs beyond your control. The negative energy that this event creates gets lodged in your heart, which later invades your mind. You remember that even before that time, you weren't a social creature...so what are you besides depressed and confused?

During this time, you realize you're creative and bright. You know this and nobody else knows this. You have lots to offer but they don't know. So you become open to insults, abuse and accusations...Why, you don't open your mouth and tell your story.

During the time you spend in paragraph two, you start making yourself feel better by fabricating your reality to better suit your ego. You are of course headed in the wrong direction. But you have to have some way to kill the pain. As you over analyze you become more warped and in your own world. Society deems you as loner, loser, stoner or joke.

You become even more confused and depressed. You feel happy, but down at the same time and there doesn't seem to be a way out of it. But you do have so much to offer. Can you ever connect with somebody? Why can't I connect with somebody? Is it because I'm so much smarter than everyone else? No, it's just that you don't invoke the right vibes...

Throw a bit of paranoia into the mix and we have a legitimate problem. Something to be figured out so we can enjoy our lives and to look at tomorrow in a much brighter light.

How you say?

Go exercise. Lose your insecurity as best you can. See yourself bigger inside. Walk up and say hello? Talk about something, anything...meaning get something you're interested in. Stop thinking about yourself...get immersed in your work, school and career. Slow down...but speed up. Lose the fear of speaking with other humans since we are all in the same ball. Forget about your competition with other people, realize that it's only you that has to grow...and only you that has to grow bigger than the former you.

 

[Monkey]

You know, when I have a few drinks I'm completely 'cured' of this problem. People cannot believe how different I am when I've had a couple of drinks, I'm so warm, witty, charming and I say what I want.

I know I'm letting myself down bigtime by making people think I'm just an idiot with nothing to say for himself. Its not me.

 

[matius]

Yeah, I know exactly bro. Absolutely, but when you think about it...all you need is you - not them - in order to be comfortable on the inside. So if any of that makes you unhappy you need to revise and step up - change those negatives into a big box of positives. This way, you know you are being true to yourself.

Having a drink to speak is not what you want. You want to be feeling good and get what you want when you are sober. It requires work and it's not an overnight process.

With both people and women > I feel like I'm getting ready to start meeting people left and right now because I've been dropping dead weight (insecurities, past, heat) like bombs lately...I'm not quite there yet, but you should have seen me a year or two ago...people gave me the strangest looks because I was so trapped and worried on the inside.

This might not describe you at all G, but I'm possibly sharing a story in parallel.

 

[Toke]

Well monkey, I'm with you.

One of the first things people say to me after they meet me is "Boy, you're quite!" or something to that extent.

When I was a kid, people just told me I was shy. I guess thats more of an accurate word for it, I spend more time thinking than I do talking.

I have many friends, but trust me, it was a long and hard road making them. Sometimes, on my bad days I even have a hard time talking to them.

Over the past year or so, I've been slowling improving myself. I started to read, a lot. I've already found this to help, as it gives you something to talk about. I quit playing video games, and instead I go to the gym. I took myself from about 35% body fat, to about 10%. Right now my abs are starting to show, and I look the best I ever have.

Chicks come onto me all the time, but I usually mutter something back to them and go on my way, not even thinking I should be hitting on them as well.

I, like you, am just fine when I'm drunk. But thats precisely why I dont drink, I was a pot head for years, dont for a second want alcohol to get the same grip on me that pot did (I've lost many family members to it).

Lately I've been considering SSRIs, or something of the sort. I figure its anxiety that stops me. This little fear that usually pops up when I least want it to. The second I walk into work I feel my heart begin to flutter. Samething happens when I pick up the phone, if its my best buddy I'm not too worried, but if its someone I hardly know, or even tech support I start to mumble and ****.

Anyone know if SSRIs help for this? I know the whole being quiet thing is the main factor into my depression. I figure its worth a shot, at least.

 

[matius]

I'm a slow drinker today, what are SSRI's?

 

[Toke]

You know... like prozak and stuff

 

[SLIKKER_THAN_AVG]

I wouldnt say that. it depends. BEing quiet is sometimes that persons natural charater and drugs wont take care of that..its the person themselves..

HOWEVER

Depression IS a chemical inbalance..but there are other things that lead to it than just being quiet...its your call.

 

[drixsa]

monkey

dunno how u recieved master status

but practice jus talkin to random ppl

on the train, hallway, whatever

and though it could seems tempting dont resort to alcohol to solve those problems

 

[STR8UP]

Shyness doesn't exist.

It's called social anxiety and it sucks. Most people have it from time to time. If it's too bad you may want to talk to someone who specializes in getting you over it (it's a learned response, you aren't born with it).

 

[A1SteakSauce]

social anxiety

You *are* born with it. There's a Harvard Professor named Jerome Kagan who got famous documenting this in toddlers. However, your brain changes based on your thoughts, actions, and internal biochemstiry. You can overcome it with thinking (cognitive) treatment, doing (behavioral) treatment, or attacking the biochemistry (SSRI's) etc.

I've tried all three approaches. SSRI's work well and it is just plain fun being popular and outgoing if you spent your life being shy, that's all I can say. But they can kill your sex drive. Also, they can wear off or lead to long-term side effects similar to tardive dyskinesia, "serotonin syndrome," or annoying short term ones (too numerous to mention).

Cognitive/behavioral treatment is equally effective, just harder work. I think this site is really about that. It's changing your thinking and actions related to a specific objective of getting women. As everyone here knows, it works. It costs less, has no side effects, doesn't impair your sex drive, and doesn't wear off. After my experience with SSRI's, St. John's wort, and 5HTP, I think this site is the best long-term solution.

A1

 

[Brodie]

I've been a little shy my entire life, but it never effected my relationship with women. I couldn’t tell you how many times people would sarcastically say something like, “shut up!”. Oh! Funny! Like I never heard that one. But I never had a problem with dating until I started growing bored of doing the same old things with friends. Same old routine. Same hang out. Day in and day out. After a while I didn't have anything creative and funny to say without being unwittingly offensive to at least one person before the night was through. Pretty much why I was quieter with new people around, which pissed away my chances of getting to know new people and keeping my personality out there. You might just need to change things up a little in the routine; Do new things and take your hobbies to a different level, but without going so radical that you're lost.

 

[God Of War]

FIght!!!!!
FIGht!!!!!!!!!
FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What you are going through is simple an illusion. Your mind is telling you that you are weak when in accuallity you're stronger than anything on earth. Your mind will feed you bull$!!! all day because it knows that you'll believe it. The bad part about it is that these thoughts about depression, guilt, shame, and regret are all BLUFFS!!!


What makes me upset is that people CHOOSE to believe them. It's like this!


(1) A thought enters your mind
(2) You choose to believe it
(3) Your heart reacts by creating a feeling that corresponds with the thought.
(4) Because your heart has accepted this as truth it generates enough fear to freeze you, love to lift you, hate to anger you, or hope to inspire you.

Imagine this!

If you hold your breath long enough you'll die
If you stop fighting the negative thoughts AND replace them with positive ones, eventually you'll give up on life.

 

[matius]

If you stop fighting the negative thoughts AND DO NOT replace them with positive ones, eventually you'll give up on life.

Right?

 

[Bob da man]

ssri not the way to go

I was on an ssri for about a year and a half.

You don't just start taking these things and feel better. It takes months for them to take effect.

And you aren't prescribed an ssri for a short period of time...try a year at minimum! & yes, the side effects are a major drag: lack of sex drive (I actually had a chick I met while taking them dump me because she couldn't get me off orally, thinking she was doing something wrong! believe me, she gave a great bj but the meds just kill it for you).

Oh, and while you're on them, no drinking! If you do, it defeats the purpose of taking them to begin with. Having a drink or two loosens you up? Then if at all possible, go with that.

There's a book, I forget the author but the title is Learned Optimism. In it, he writes about the 'ABCDE' concept

a-adversity
b-belief
c-consequence

& here's where the change takes place in how you think

d-dispute
e-evaluate

When something causes us emotional pain it is often not because of the event itself but rather our estimate of it, and this we have the power to change, but it takes time.

 

[Ian1983]

I think you described me at the beginning of the post. I'm quiet as hell (inc. friends...and even when drunk), not overly confident except when training. I literally say a tenth or less of what I'm thinking (but when I do talk...its mainly to make strange noises cause I try and be funny, or the odd attempt at wit, which most people don't get unless I explain a concept...think too much). The noise thing is starting to make me think about what I say more now actually (well mummble anyways). I'm told I give a intimidating impression off (the quiet thing really got that going), which drives people away, then comes the odd noise and people don't know what to make of me...other the nutter
Personally I see my self as weak and it drives me, although it has the above draw backs...plus nil gf's on the record. Should really try and over come it and start approaching women more, but I don't see what I have to offer someone..pathetic aren't I.

Along the same lines of wanting to share my self with someone, want it, but not going to happen till I talk to people more and give myself a kick in the arse.

 

[Monkey]

I've just started taking St Johns Wort, after alot of research over the last couple of days, and will see how it goes. I've realised that this lack of confidence when meeting new people is actually caused by feeling slightly depressed. Somedays I'm fine but on the down days I just want to stay away from people or close myself off from them.

When I have a drink those feelings go and I'm totally able to open up and show people who I really am, but obviously drinking isn't a solution.

As I said I have no problem at all having successful relationships with women and friends its just I'm struggling to create that initial rapport with strangers and people I don't know so well.

 

[God Of War]

Guess what?

The same strangers you have a problem opening up to more than likely have the exactly same condition. We are trained to build defenses and hold back out of fear of the unknown.